What Happened to Hannah (39 page)

After I sent you away that night Karl started making noises and moving across the floor. I was terrified that he’d come around and blame me for what you’d done. I hit him in the head with the pan again. But once I started I could not stop. Not until I realized I was hitting something soft not hard anymore.

I couldn’t believe what I’d done, how coldly evil I was and what a relief it was that he was gone. I couldn’t confess to Father Paul or beg God’s forgiveness for some time because I felt no remorse. Still I knew I would go to hell and be there with Karl forever if I didn’t. So I went to Father Paul and we talked.

He taught me so much, Hannah. He showed me what an ignorant woman I was. He called it unenlightened but it was ignorance. I was a stupid and fearful woman. He showed me how hurtful it can be in so many different ways. He gave me books to read and I learned to drive so I could go to a special doctor in Charlottesville. I tried to get Ruth to go but she did not like him. She did not like men at all.

Mostly I learned about you though, Hannah. All the times you stood between me and Karl, when I believed it was the evil in your blood rising up to meet his, it was you defending me, like a Guardian Angel. And I should have been the one defending you. You and Ruth both. I know that now. I know you were defending us that night and that I was wrong to condemn you and send you away.

I know now. But it was many months before I learned that the evil in Karl was not in his blood but had been put there by someone else. His own daddy is my guess. And for all those months I let the police look for your body even though I knew you weren’t dead. By the time I realized the mistake I had made I was too ashamed and embarrassed to admit it. To the police, but most of all to you. I allowed everyone, including your sister and my priest to believe Karl had done something to you.

I write this letter because I am still a coward. Because I need to beg your forgiveness and I am afraid you won’t give it. Not because you are not able to forgive because God and I have seen you do it often enough, but because I do not deserve it.

I have tried to make up for my sins with Anna. I have given her the love I have always felt for you but was too weak and afraid to show you. But I am certain that I will never sit with my Lord God until you are able to find it in your heart to forgive me. I pray someday you can.

Your loving mama

It was the ninth day of an August heat wave in Baltimore. Fuses were short and tempers were exploding all over town. Newscasts were full of reports of road rage, elderly victims with heat prostration, and power outages that kept the circle revolving—like a dog chasing its tail.

At Benson Insurance & Investments where the power didn’t waver and the AC blew like a nor’easter in January, one particular temper had been simmering—and boiling over from time to time—since early June.

“You fired Jim?” Joe’s voice on the phone didn’t sound as disapproving as much as surprised.

“I asked him to leave, yes. I told him I’d give him a good reference and help in any way I could, but I’m sick of him drooling down my neck and expecting me to make him a partner. I hate that sense of entitlement some men have. I mean, what makes them think everything has to be their way solely because they’re men? What happened to give and take and compromise and stuff like that? Give a little, get a lot, you know?”

“Are we still talking about Jim Sauffle?”

Were they?

She hadn’t heard directly from Grady in almost two and a half months.

The morning she and Anna left, the Steadmans and Biscuit joined Don and May James to wave them off. With the car packed up, with barely enough room left over for driver and niece, they were being passed from one person to the next for hugs, and Grady . . . cheated. He kissed her—like she was going off to war.

The kids made embarrassing noises and the other adults smiled and looked at one another like it didn’t surprise them at all.

And all he said was, “I’ll see you soon.”

She was halfway home before she’d collected enough thoughts in her head again for a proper response. “How soon?” It took her the rest of the trip to realize he was talking about driving the U-Haul up for her—eventually.

Since then, he hadn’t called once. Not even to see how Anna was settling in. Though, to be fair, the girls had been Skype-ing practically all day everyday and he’d peeked in over Lucy’s shoulder several times to say hello to Anna—but he never passed a message on for her. And she missed him. More than she thought she would.

Well, she’d learned to live without him once before, she could do it again.

Their relationship had been doomed from the very beginning. It wasn’t meant to be. The people of Clearfield needed Grady and he would never fail them—she admired that about him. And unfortunately, while she’d put many of her ghosts to rest in Clearfield, she simply couldn’t live there again. Plus she had responsibilities of her own, employees who were counting on her . . . and there was Joe.

Still, she was going to miss Grady. The quick intelligence in his green-hazel eyes, that wonderfully stupid smile that warmed her like the coals of a campfire . . . that strange magic in him that spoke to her heart and soothed the mistrust in her soul.

“Hello?”

“What. Oh. What did you say, Joe?” She rubbed at the tense dull throb across her forehead. “Sorry.”

“Are we still talking about Jim Sauffle?”

“Um. I don’t remember. How was Anna’s practice? Did you go to watch again today?”

“I did. And I’m glad she doesn’t mind because I very much enjoy watching her.”

“She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”

“She is, indeed, very graceful. And her new coach waved me down to the track. He says she’s very talented and in just the few weeks she’s been with his team she’s improved and now runs in the upper five percent. She’s very much self-motivated and he has great hopes for her.”

“Was she there? Did she hear all this?”

“I told her after.” He chuckled. “She blushed.”

“Tell me you’re not falling in love with her, too, Joe.”

“I can’t. Next to you I think she’s one of the finest young women I’ve ever known.”

Hannah wasn’t altogether sure how or what she felt about her mother these days—except that she’d done a good job of making up for her sins with Anna.

Her legacy to Anna was not that of the beaten and downtrodden but that of a resilient spirit determined to live in peace and of a woman aching to love and nurture and protect the family she was always meant to have.

Anna had, at first, been hurt to think Hannah preferred going to jail than staying with her but once the lies and nightmares were explained, the importance of truth between them discussed and the promise to be there for each other made and sealed with a hug, Anna recovered.

Anna forgave easily and she loved her for it.

Hannah tried to forgive her mother. She did. Some days she was more successful than others—if she used every ounce of understanding and empathy she could muster. On those other days, she couldn’t quite make it and the pain and resentment and anger came anew. But she kept trying.

“She reminds me a great deal of you, you know.”

She frowned. “Right. I’m graceful. I can’t hold a pencil and answer the phone at the same time. And I’m not sweet. I’m tired and grumpy—”

“I’ve noticed.”

“Sorry. I heard this guy on the radio today saying it was the barometric pressure pressing . . . or not pressing on our brains when the weather is like this that makes some people cranky, but who knows? Hopefully, it won’t last much longer and I’ll be back to my old happy self.”

“I’ll look forward to it.”

She laughed. “You know you
could
argue with me and tell me you hadn’t noticed how crabby I’ve been.”

“I’ve never lied to you before, why would I start now?”

“You wouldn’t. And I depend on you for that. So, did you call to tell me about Anna’s practice or did you want me to bring takeout when I swing by to pick her up?”

“Yes. Anna. I told you she had a good run.”

“Yes, you did.”

“I did.” Silence. “But I don’t need food tonight. I’m going out with friends. Later.”

“Okay. That’s great. Which friends? I can pick Anna up early if you want.”

“No, no. It’s a late dinner.”

“With who?”

“Ah. They’re new friends. Well, old friends, new in town. Tell me what are you planning to do about Jim?”

Hannah leaned back in her chair and began to wonder if Joe’s medications had lost their shelf life. “I don’t know. Hire someone to replace him, I guess. I might promote one of the junior analysts. Ken Lyman. I like him. He’s sharp. What did you think of him when you were here?”

“He and young Jack would both do well, I think, with—”

“Dammit.” A noise in the outer office sparked her temper and sent her blood pressure soaring. “Joe, I have to go. Tell Anna I’ll be there soon.”

“Is something wrong?”

“One of the idiots who works for me forgot to lock the front door like I asked, and now some other idiot has walked in. Why would you have to explain to someone that when most of the lights in a building are out for the night, it means we’re not open for business? How tough is that to figure out?” She paused before opening her office door. “I’ll be there soon.”

She put her BlackBerry in her suit-jacket pocket and worked at twisting her face into something that looked professionally friendly but please-come-back-tomorrow-ish. Halfway down the hall, murder and mayhem occurred to her so she slowed her pace, taking softer steps. She took her phone back out of her pocket and dialed in 911, keeping her thumb on Send as she peered around the corner.

She gasped, dropped her precious phone, and the intruder turned to face her.

“Hi.”

Her lips moved but nothing came out—so she nodded.

“I have this whole speech prepared.” Grady’s voice came low and cautious. “You’re supposed to be excited and ask me what I’m doing here. Maybe you could fake it?”

She laughed. She didn’t need to fake anything. “What are you doing here?”

“I missed you.”

She sighed. God, he was handsome and wonderful and . . .

“This is where you say you missed me, too.”

Hannah nodded. “I do. I did. I’ve missed you, too. A lot.”

“Good.” He took two steps toward her. “Now all you have to do is admit that you love me as much as I love you—and don’t try to deny it.” Two more steps. “I can see it in your eyes . . . I can hear it in your voice. I feel it, as sure as I’ve been of anything in my life.” One last step and he reached out to brush the backs of his fingers down her cheek. “You got away from me once and it tore me apart. It changed me forever. I can’t let you get away from me again, Hannah. I need you in my life. I love you.”

It was, hands down, the best speech she’d ever heard. Much better than the ones she’d dreamed up for him over the years.

“And this is where you say—”

“I love you, too?”

“For starters.”

She bowed her head; took in and let out a deep breath. “Grady, I . . .” She looked up and caught his expression changing from hopeful to confused—as if she’d stabbed him in the chest and ripped out his heart for no reason. She framed his face with both her hands to make the look of pain go away. “I do love you, Grady. I’ve always loved you. I’ve never loved anyone else but you. But . . .”

“But what?”

She looked to his shirtfront for the right words. There weren’t any. “Well, I know love is supposed to conquer all things but . . .”

“Just say it.”

“I cannot live in Clearfield. I know you have responsibilities and a job you like there—”

“That’s it? That’s your big objection? That’s why you’ve been pushing me away?”

“That and I thought I was a murderer. And I was sure that when you found out you’d have to throw me in jail. So there was no point in giving you any hope.”

He took her by the upper arms and pulled her close, wrapping first one arm and then the other around her tight.

“Man, you’re stubborn.”

“Well, you’re annoying.” She didn’t make it sound like a bad thing.

“You’re frustrating.”

“So are you.”

He leaned back and took her face in his hands.

“You’re also very beautiful.”

“So are you,” she whispered as his lips brushed against hers. She went up on her toes to press her mouth to his. He nipped at her lips to punctuate the rest of his speech.

“Here’s the deal— Your friend Joe and I, we’ve been plotting against you . . . for weeks. No, hold still—and listen. He called you to make sure you’d still be in the office so we could talk alone, since Anna lives with you—and because Lucy and I just moved into his guest rooms.”

“You what?” No more kissing, but he wouldn’t let go of her face.

“Shhhh. It’s temporary. We weren’t sure how long it would take me to convince you to let us move in with you.” He grinned. “You told me once that you felt cheapened by the fact that I thought I could bribe you with a hamburger and fries. You said next time I wanted to ask you a potentially incriminating question to bring something with a bigger price tag on it.”

The cold air on her right cheek startled her when he removed his left hand to fish in his pocket and withdraw a princess-cut diamond ring. She barely glanced at it, she was so distracted by the rare uncertainty in his eyes.
Uncertainty
in someone like him—who would have thought it possible?

He took her left hand in his right. “So the potentially incriminating question is this: Will you marry me, Hannah Benson? Will you let me stay with you for the rest of my life? Promise to let me love you forever?”

Smiling, she nodded. “Yes. I promise.”

A brief glance down and he slipped the ring on her third finger, saying, “I’d have come sooner but I wanted to line up a job first. I gave notice and quit my old one three weeks ago.”

“You . . . you’re going to be the sheriff here?”