What if I Fly? (27 page)

“We both made mistakes, this isn’t all you’re doing. I shouldn’t have turned you away. We wouldn’t be where we are now if I had just believed in us.” She kisses his lips and he holds her to him, “For that, I am so sorry.” She runs her hand down his chest, “While you’re here, you’re mine. I don’t care about the rest. If this is all we can have, a night here and there, I’ll take it. It’s better than not being with you at all.”

“Jules, I just want to be with you. I can’t live like that anymore. I don’t feel guilty being here. We belong together.”

His hand caresses her face, and he runs his fingers down her body, his hand coming to rest on her stomach.

“You had a baby in there.” Will shakes his head. “I had a dream you were pregnant once…a few months after I last saw you…you looked so beautiful…”

Julia’s heart stops.
He dreamt I was pregnant when I was carrying Liam?
Will moves his hand in a circular motion around her abdomen.

“Julia…I feel another sin coming on.”

“Another one?” She raises an eyebrow. Will nods and rolls on top of her, kissing her deeply. “Ah… this is why they invented confession, I get it now.”

Will smiles and she wraps her legs around him.

“Jules, we’re going to keep those priests busy.”

Close to eight o’clock, Julia runs downstairs for food and water. This whole day has been surreal. Will is in her bed, after all these years, and her country is under attack. She wonders what’s going on in New York, Washington, DC and
god only knows where else
, but she doesn’t want to break the blissful spell they’re under by turning on the television. She knows she’s in denial, trying to keep reality at bay. It’s just too awful…so many innocent lives snuffed out.

She wants to check on Liam before he’s asleep for the night, but suspects she missed that window. Julia picks up her cell phone to call her mother and sees she’s missed three calls and has two voicemails from Ellie.

What’s going on?
She listens to the first message.

“Jules, it’s Ellie. Is Will there with you? I’ve been trying to reach him all afternoon but his phone is off. He called me earlier this morning and asked me to watch his dog for the next few days...He wouldn’t tell me who he’s with so I’m taking a chance here. If he’s with you, please have him call me.”

Her brow furrows and she presses the button to listen to the next message. Ellie wouldn’t call here looking for Will unless something was very wrong.

“Jules, it’s me again. It’s an emergency. We haven’t heard from Peter all day. We can’t get through to his cell, and he hasn’t called anyone in the family. If Will is there, and dear Lord I hope he is, please have him call me.”

Julia looks at the time the last message was received. Ellie called an hour ago. She runs up the stairs.

“Will, where’s your phone?”

“In the car, why?”

“Ellie left two messages on my phone. She’s been trying to reach you all day.” He’s visibly confused. “It’s about Peter.”

***

Will’s heart stops.
Peter?
He didn’t call Peter this morning because his brother is on vacation this week, and then he saw Julia and...
My brother is supposed to be on Martha’s Vineyard with Sloane. What’s going on?
Surely someone has been in touch with Sloane. He pulls on his pants and undershirt and runs to his car, grabbing his cell phone.

Julia is waiting for him downstairs on the couch and his hand shakes as he presses the power button and turns his phone on. When he called Ellie earlier to ask her to watch Max, she was her inquisitive self, wanting to know who he was with, but he evaded her questions, turned off his phone and left it in his car, not wanting anyone to disturb his time with Julia.

Oh my god.
He’s missed thirteen calls, most from his sister, a few from his parents.

Not one from my brother.

He calls Ellie immediately and she picks up on the first ring.

“Where the fuck have you been? Will, no one has heard from Peter today. He hasn’t called anyone.” His sister’s voice is panicked, her breathing rushed.

“Ellie, take a deep breath.” He runs his hand through his hair, “Pete’s on vacation this week. Has anyone heard from Sloane?”

“Yes, she’s on the Vineyard. She’s been in touch with Mom and Dad all day. She’s freaking out. He flew back to New York last night. He had to go back to the city for an early meeting this morning, and was supposed to fly back to the island this afternoon.”

Will closes his eyes, and can feel the blood draining from his face, his heart sinking. No. There has to be a reasonable explanation why his brother hasn’t called. Where could he be?

“Has anyone tried his office?”

“Of course, we couldn’t get through.”

“The phone lines are jammed in New York.” He rubs his hand over his eyes, “He might not be able to get through to anyone today. There’s nothing we can do tonight, Ellie. If we haven’t heard from Peter by noon tomorrow then we need to make a plan. I’ll drive to New York and find him myself.”

“Okay. Keep your phone on. And tell Jules I said hello.” Ellie hangs up and he stares at his phone.

What the hell?

“Ellie said to say hello...?” He turns to Julia, confused, “How could she possibly know I’m here? We haven’t talked about you in years.”

“Will, what’s going on with Peter?” Her eyes are filled with concern.

“I don’t know what to think.” He leans back on the couch, “He doesn’t work downtown. They said on the radio earlier that so many people have been trying to reach family and friends in the city and can’t get through. Something about the cell towers not being able to handle the volume of traffic.”

“That makes sense. He should be able to reach you tomorrow.”

“Yes…” he pauses. “Julia, how could Ellie possibly know I’m here?”

“I bumped into Ellie a couple of months ago. She’s been here a few times with the kids since then. She took Liam to the zoo the day I saw you at Starbucks and I told her we had coffee together. I guess she put two and two together?”

He nods his head. He’s not surprised Ellie didn’t tell him she saw Julia. They don’t tell each other much anymore.

“You know, she misses you, Will. She said things haven’t been good between you two in years, but she never told me why.”

“I miss her too,” he sighs. “It’s a very long story. Another time, okay?”

“Of course.”

Peter is missing?
Manhattan must be chaos today, but wouldn’t he be able to reach someone…somehow?
Email? Text message?
He doesn’t have a good feeling about this. He’s trying to stay calm, but he’s scared. He’s absolutely terrified something horrible has happened to his brother.

“Let’s see what’s going on now,” Julia says, turning on the television, then grabs the blanket from the back of the couch and throws it over them.

Will turns to her, so thankful they found their way back to one another.

“I love you, Julia,” He holds her face in his hands and can see his love reflected in her eyes. Nothing feels better than loving someone with your whole heart, and knowing they feel the same for you. His heart is swelling with emotion, his eyes brimming with tears.

“Always,” she smiles, then reaches out and touches his face. “Will, if you go to New York tomorrow, I’m going with you. I want to help.”

“Thank you, Jules. Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that.”

They are quiet while the President addresses the nation. “Today, our fellow citizens, our way of life, our very freedom came under attack in a series of deliberate and deadly terrorist acts. The victims were in airplanes or in their offices. Secretaries, businessmen and women, military and federal workers. Moms and dads. Friends and neighbors. Thousands of lives were suddenly ended by evil, despicable acts of terror.”

He pulls Julia close to him, his eyes fixed on the television. “This is a day when all Americans from every walk of life unite in our resolve for justice and peace. America has stood down enemies before, and we will do so this time. None of us will ever forget this day, yet we go forward to defend freedom and all that is good and just in our world.”

“Will, we live in a nation at war.” Julia wipes her eyes. “How do we fight a war against terror? Who are we fighting exactly? Some fundamentalist group scattered around the globe?”

He shakes his head. It does seem hopeless.

“An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind…my Gram used to say that. No one wins when revenge is the goal. Yet something has to be done…”

Will holds onto her tightly.
His country is at war, his brother might be a casualty, and he’s sitting beside the love of his life.
He’s not alone anymore. He can never go back to the life he was living before today.

They stayed up well past midnight. He asked to see more pictures of Liam and Julia pulled out a couple of photo albums. They went through the photographs together and he studied each one intently, memorizing each picture, imagining he was there with them while Julia shared stories about their lives in Italy.

“Liam is a well-travelled little man. Been all over Europe and speaks two languages.”

“He speaks two languages?” he asks, amazed.

“Kids are sponges. They pick up languages so much faster than adults when they’re immersed in the culture. It took me at least six months to learn Italian, and I wasn’t fluent by any means. Now I am.”

“Where was he born?”

“Verona.”

“You stayed in Verona?”

“I went back there when I was pregnant. I wanted to be there for so many reasons,” she looks into his eyes, “I thought about you all of the time, Will. You were with me throughout my pregnancy, on the day he was born, and every day since. You are a part of me.”

“I’ve tried so hard to forget you Julia, to accept my life as it is, but not a single day has passed that you haven’t cross my mind. My wedding day was one of the worst days of my life. I felt like a fraud. Pretending to be happy, to be in love. I remember walking to the water and wondering where you were. What you were thinking about, if you ever thought about me.”

“Now you know.” Julia clasps his hand, “I thought of you every single day.”

“Ellie didn’t go to the wedding.” He lies back on her bed, “That’s what happened between us. She said she couldn’t watch me ruin my life. She was right. I made a huge mistake.”

“Will, I’ve always known you didn’t marry her for love. You married her to pay for your sin.” Julia places a finger under his chin, turning his face toward her, “I think you’re paid in full. It’s time to stop punishing yourself.”

“I agree. Now I have to get out of this mess.”  

Chapter Twenty-Two

Something’s different
. Julia begins to stir, her eyes slowly opening. She’s not alone in her bed. She feels Will’s arms around her and she runs her hand along his chest. She isn’t dreaming, he’s really here. She grins ear to ear and looks into his eyes.

“Good morning, beautiful.” Will leans down to kiss her.

“Good morning…How long have you been up?

“I don’t think I ever slept. I didn’t want to close my eyes and wake up to find you gone. That being with you was a figment of my imagination.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” she smiles, then remembers he’s waiting for a phone call. “Any word from Peter?”

“Nothing yet.” Will puts his phone down on the nightstand, “Come here.”

She rests her head against his chest, and listens to his heartbeat in the warmth of his embrace.
It doesn’t get much better than this
, she thinks, then cringes. Peter could be dead and all she can think about is how good it feels to be in Will’s arms again.

“Try his number,” she whispers. “See if you can get through.”

“It’s ringing!” he says and they both sit up.
One. Two. Three. Four. Five.
Will’s face falls. “Voicemail.” He dials Peter’s apartment, then shakes his head, “No answer.”

“That doesn’t mean anything. For all you know he’s helping with the rescue efforts. He could be anywhere.”

“Then why hasn’t he called? He has to know we’re worried sick about him. Julia, I have a very bad feeling about this…I think he’s gone…”

“We don’t know what he’s gone through in the past…” she checks the clock on her nightstand, “twenty-one hours, Will. Don’t give up hope.”

“I can’t wait around anymore, I need to do something.”

“Then let’s go.” She climbs out of bed, “Let’s head to New York now. Why wait six more hours?”

“I need to stop at my house and change, grab a few supplies. See my parents.”

“I’m going to stop and see the baby before we go. I’ll take my car and meet you at Ellie’s.”

“I’d like to meet Liam…if that’s okay.”

She figures if Will hasn’t noticed the resemblance after seeing two hundred pictures of Liam, then he’s not likely to make the connection in person, though how he can miss the resemblance is beyond her. Maybe he’s in denial and doesn’t want to believe he’s missed so much of his son’s life.
Or maybe he just believes me
, she thinks, her heart sinking.

They pull up to her mother’s house around eight-thirty and Julia’s sure Liam’s been up for a couple of hours by now.

“Mom? Liam?” She walks into the kitchen, “Where are you two?”

“We’re back here honey!” her mother calls from the patio.

“It’s hardly changed,” Will says, looking around the kitchen.

“Not much does around here.”

Liam runs into the kitchen, wearing his Batman pajamas, and flings himself at her legs.

“Mama!”

“Hey sweetie pie.” She leans down and scoops him up, “You’re feeling better I see!”

“Yes, but Gran said I don’t have to go to school today.”

She kisses his cheek, suddenly very nervous.
What was I thinking bringing Will here?
Will’s staring at Liam, his mouth half open, his eyes glazed over.

Her mother walks into the kitchen and freezes in her tracks.

“Will.”

He snaps out of his daze and turns toward her mother.

“Hi Carol,” he kisses her on the cheek. “It’s good to see you again.”

“You too, Will,” she says robotically, “Julia?”

“Liam, this is my very good friend Will.”

“Nice to meet you.” Liam raises his eyes, a little shy, and holds out his hand.

Will smiles and bends down, shaking his son’s hand. He’s hypnotized and continues to stare at Liam.

“Nice to meet you too. Your mom tells me you like baseball.”

“Want to see my baseball cards?” Liam’s face lights up, and Will nods, smiling. He grabs Will’s hand and pulls him down the hall to Julia’s old room, which is now his room.

“Julia, what the hell is going on?” Her mother whispers, pulling her into the dining room.

“Mom, I don’t know where to begin. I haven’t told him so don’t say anything.”

“Jules, do you think he doesn’t know?” Her mother is in shock. “Did you see the look on his face?”

“Mom, he saw hundreds of pictures of him at my place and never registered an ounce of recognition.” Carol raises an eyebrow and shakes her head. “We’re going to New York City. His brother is missing.”

“You’re going where? Out of the question, Julia! It’s dangerous. You’re a mother. You have forfeited the right to do foolish things.”

“Mom, it was my home for years, and it’s probably the safest place in the country right now, other than DC.”

“Julia, what are you doing with him? Sweetheart, I know how much he means to you but he’s a married man!”

“I’m going to tell him about Liam once he files for divorce,” she meets her mother’s gaze defiantly, hands on hips. Julia doesn’t want to think of herself as someone who would have an affair with a married man. But this is Will! He’s the father of her child! She’s not breaking up a happy marriage.

“He said he’s getting a divorce?”

“Not in those exact words.”

“Julia, please,” Carol throws her hands up in the air. “Be sensible.”

Indignant, she walks away from her mother, down the hall to Liam’s bedroom. They’re facing each other, looking at this year’s Red Sox team. Seeing Will and his son sitting on the floor together, so alike, her breath catches in her throat.

She never thought this moment would come. She never believed Will would meet his son. The sight of them together, doing something they might’ve done, had he always been a part of their lives, paralyzes her in the doorway.

“He’s my favorite.” Liam points out Pedro Martinez, and Will picks up the card.

“Hey, mine too!” Will gives him a high five.

“I like Trot Nixon, too. Mama doesn’t like his last name. She said that’s the name of a crook.” Will laughs and ruffles his hair, and Julia forcibly snaps herself out of her trance.

“Well, it is!” she says and enters the room, kneeling on the floor beside him. “Sweetheart, I’ll see you in a few days, okay? I have a lot of work to do, but Gran will take good care of you, and I’ll call you every day. Promise.”

“Okay, I love you Mama.” He wraps his arms around her neck and squeezes tight.

“I love you too.” She kisses his cheek.

Liam turns to Will, “Want to watch a Red Sox game with me?”

“You bet.” Will looks into Liam’s eyes, “Have you ever been to Fenway?”

“No! But my mom has. Have you?” Liam’s face lights up with curiosity.

“I go all the time. Maybe you and your mom can come with me sometime.”

“Please, oh please?” Liam turns to her, his eyes pleading.

“That would be wonderful.”

Julia’s quiet on the drive to Ellie and Kevin’s house and wrings her hands, feeling torn. She feels so guilty about lying to Will. She wants to tell him the truth, but she has to wait until she knows he’s really leaving Avery. Once the papers are filed she’ll tell him. She keeps repeating that to herself like a mantra,
once the papers are filed, once the papers are filed
…

“Are you okay?” Will asks, squeezing her knee.

“I just miss him, that’s all.”

“He’s a great kid, Jules. I’m glad I got to meet him. Thank you.”

“He really liked you too,” she smiles weakly, staring out the window, then turns to study Will’s profile.

Seeing them together was unsettling, more than she imagined it’d be. They were so comfortable with one another, so…happy. The magnitude of the lie she’s told is a weight pressing on her heart.

Dear Lord, what have I done?

Ellie’s eyes are swollen and puffy when she opens the door, but her face lights up when she finds Julia standing beside Will.

“Two of my favorite people, together again.” She pulls them inside the house and wraps her arms around her brother. “I am so happy to see you two, you have no idea! I’ve waited years for this.”

Ellie hugs Julia to her, and whispers in her ear, “Does he know?” Julia shakes her head and mouths,
no
.

“Have you heard anything from Peter yet?” Ellie asks Will and he shakes his head. Her chin trembles, “What if something happened to him, Will?”

“I don’t know Ellie.” Will hugs her again, “One day at a time, right? I’ll find him, no matter what.” Ellie nods and wipes her eyes.

“Where’s Kevin?” Julia asks. She’s sitting with Will on the couch, going through pictures of Peter.

“He finally found a rental car and has been driving all night from Cleveland.” Ellie sighs,

“He should be home in an hour or so.”

“How about this one?” Will holds out a photo. It’s a close up shot and Peter’s smiling. Ellie takes it from him and nods.

“That’s a good one,” she says, choking back a sob.

“Do you have a scanner and printer here?” Julia asks.

“In the study.”

“I’m going to run home and change.” Will rises, “I’ll be back soon.”

“Show me where everything is,” Julia says. “I need a marker, paper, tape.”

“How did this happen?” Ellie walks her into the study, “I’m over the moon excited for you both. Tell me!”

“Fate.” Julia grabs the sharpie and starts writing, “I bumped into him at the deli yesterday after the attacks. Life’s too short, Ellie. I told him I’ve always loved him.” She shrugs, “I’ll be the mistress if I have to, I don’t care! I just want to be with him. Does that make me a home wrecker?”

“Ha!” Ellie snorts, “There’s no home to destroy. The bitch wrecked your home years ago.”

“Will met Liam this morning.”

“What?!” Ellie’s eyes practically pop out of her head.

“Yes, we stopped at my mom’s on the way here.” She turns to Ellie, “It was crazy. I feel so guilty, Ellie. They’re two peas in a pod, totally enamored of one another. They talked baseball.” Julia’s eyes fill with tears.

“And he didn’t realize…?” Ellie asks, stunned.

“Nope,” Julia shakes her head.

“How is that possible?” Ellie’s brow furrows, “Liam is the spitting image of him...”

“I think people see what they want to see.” Julia holds Ellie’s hands in hers, “I hate lying to him, it’s tearing me up inside. When he asked me about Liam’s father, I almost choked. I’ll tell him the truth, Ellie. I will. But what if he hates me? What if he can’t forgive me?”

“Julia, stop. What’s done is done. You have to believe he loves you enough to forgive you. You did it to protect your son. His son!” Ellie cries. “When are you going to tell him?”

“When he files for divorce,” Julia looks her in the eye, “And not one second sooner.”

“Jules, my brother is back,” Ellie smiles. “I see the fire in eyes again. He’s not a zombie anymore.”

“He said I brought him back to life.”

“You did. Now let’s find my other brother in the same condition.”

Julia places the poster on the scanner and prints two hundred copies of the “Missing” sign she created. She picks up the stack of paper and hugs Ellie to her.

“I pray we don’t need to use these, El.”

***

Will and Ellie walk to their parent’s house and their mother greets them in her housecoat, her eyes bloodshot and swollen. She’s aged overnight. A pillar of strength throughout their father’s illness, the idea of losing one of her children is too much for her to bear.

Their father is sitting on his favorite leather chair in the den, a blanket wrapped around his legs. The television is on low, the screen filled with images from the rescue efforts currently underway at what is being called
Ground Zero
.

Ellie kisses her father on top of his head and sits on the couch while their mother paces around the room with her rosary beads.

“They pulled someone out of the rubble alive a little while ago,” his father says, eyes glued to the television screen. “There’s still hope for others.”

“Dad, I’m heading to the city to find Peter.” Will pulls the ottoman next to his father’s chair, and takes his hand. “We haven’t been able to reach him by phone and it’s been more than twenty-four hours.”

His mother sits beside Ellie on the couch and weeps into her hands.

“Mom, we don’t know if Peter was downtown. He could be anywhere. I’ll find him. Has Sloane been able to get off the Vineyard?”

“Yes. She called a little while ago. She’ll be here a little after noon. I’m so worried about her and the baby.”