What Matters Most (13 page)

Yes he could, Nick realised as he steered his truck out of the driveway. Hadn’t he watched his entire life while his mother let Ian Calhoun use her, humiliate her, denigrate her—and Nick—all in the name of the love she professed to feel for the bastard? Yeah, he had, and that was enough of a lesson to keep Nick from feeling any more pain at Josh’s casual dismissal as Nick drove to his hotel. He could be packed and on the road in less than an hour flat.

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Nice?
Josh’s stomach roiled and dipped. His ankle throbbed as he’d whacked it against the doorframe when he’d rounded the corner. If he hadn’t had something to lean up against, he would be flat on his ass right now. He might as well be, as off balance as he felt. What was he doing, messing around with a guy who wasn’t gay? Sure, he’d entertained lots of fantasies about converting a straight guy to the dark side, but really, it had always only been a fantasy.

After all, how would he ever be able to trust a man who’d spent his life prior to Josh having sex with women? Who was to say this imaginary man would never want another woman, when they’d been enough for him in the past?

The sound of the front door closing, a soft snick that seemed more ominous than an angry slam, snapped Josh out of his brooding. He twisted to stare down the hallway, frowning hard enough that it hurt his forehead. It would have been nice if Nick would have at least put up a token argument against leaving, but Josh hadn’t really expected one. Nick was his fantasy come to life, and all those doubts came to life as well. If he’d had any questions about whether or not Nick was seriously interested in him as a
person
and not as an
experience
, Nick’s parting words had made it plain what the answer was. Josh was just something different, the forbidden, or maybe even a toy. He didn’t want to be any of those things. He
wanted
to be somebody’s world.

“Are you going to stand there and pout all day now that you ran him off?”

“I didn’t run him off, I cut him free. He isn’t even gay.” Josh shifted and his shoulder slid against the doorframe, scraping skin before he steadied himself. “You heard him, he was using me.”

Evan tipped his head to the side, his eyes darting back and forth as he looked at Josh, as if he were studying every centimetre of his face, looking for God only knew what. “He said
was
.”

Josh didn’t even have the energy to snort. “
Was
as in, he already got sucked off, and he’s seen Annabelle, probably Rory, too for all I know. Then you found out who he was—

how?”

“Licence plates.”

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“Oh.”
Well duh.

“It wasn’t much of a stretch from there,” Evan said. “And once I thought there might be a connection, I could see the resemblance between the three of them.”

“Yeah.” Josh shivered then eased himself to the floor then dropped the last foot or so gracelessly so that his ass slapped the floor hard. He leaned his head back and closed his eyes, too tired to keep worrying about everyone else for once. Annabelle might hate him, Rory might, too, and Justin was going to do a bunch of screaming and yelling, and Evan…

well, he’d do whatever he’d do. Seeing him go after Nick had reminded Josh of the fact that Evan had almost as much of a temper as Justin, once he got riled. Except Justin wouldn’t have stopped and got off Nick. He’d have used Nick’s face for a punching bag—again.

“Josh.”

He didn’t even have to energy to be properly startled by Evan’s voice coming from only inches away. He might have twitched, barely.

Evan brushed fingers over his cheeks then his forehead before gripping Josh’s chin.

“Josh, open your eyes. Talk to me, please. You kept the secret about Crane to protect me and Justin both. Were you trying to protect us along with Annabelle and Rory by keeping Nick’s identity a secret?”

“And Nick,” Josh admitted. “How could I explain who he was without admitting how I found out? I didn’t know at first, but once I heard about Ian leaving the ranch to a previously unknown son, and remembered Nick asking me questions about Annabelle and Rory, it kind of just clicked. I knew then why he’d sought me out. Which, before you ask, was because he’d apparently been here a few days or something. Long enough for him to know who his sibs were, anyway. He saw me and Annabelle go into the XXchange and followed us in. Decided to seduce me to get info about Rory and Annabelle.” He finally opened his eyes and saw that Evan was sitting on the floor directly in front of him. Evan didn’t look mad at all. “Why aren’t you mad?”

Evan shrugged. “I don’t think it’s my place to get angry about this. Nick isn’t my brother, and I know you only did what you thought was best—although I think you might be wrong about Nick.”

“Which was why you had him pinned to the bed.”

“I got mad,” Evan huffed, running his hand through his hair. “Didn’t think, just heard him admit he’d used you, and lost it. But he said he was using you, and I don’t think he WHAT MATTERS MOST

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meant what…what happened between the two of you today.” Evan looked at the hand he’d shoved through his hair and grimaced before continuing. “I think he was talking about before, whatever happened between the two of you. I mean, come on, Josh! Think about it!”

“Think about what?” Josh snapped. “How stupid I was to blow him when I knew he

was the kind of man who had no qualms about using me? To want him so fucking bad even though he’s told me he is straight, that he was just playing a part? He’s been hanging around, following me, waiting for a chance to pin me down and try to get more information—”

Evan grabbed his shoulder and shook Josh hard enough that his head popped the

doorframe. “Don’t be stupid,” he hissed while Josh stared at him, stunned by the physical reprimand more than the words. “If he wanted information about his siblings, don’t you think he could have found another way to get it? For that matter, he could have told Annabelle who he was—”

“No.” Josh had thought about that, and had intended to ask Nick to confirm his

suspicions. “Think about Ian’s will. I’d bet there’s some fucked up clause in there nullifying the entire thing if Nick has anything to do with Annabelle and Rory.”

Evan considered it for a moment. “Maybe. Probably. Then why come here at all?”

“Curiosity,” Josh answered without hesitation. “Nick is definitely a curious man.” Or had been, until Josh had sucked his dick.

“Maybe,” Evan said again. “But why hang around? And Josh, you didn’t see his face when you told him to leave.”

No, he hadn’t, because he would have burst into tears if he’d seen that calculating look, or revulsion in Nick’s expression.

“Josh.” Evan shook his head and looked so sad suddenly that Josh’s chest went tight with the force of repressing a sob. “You said you wanted someone like…you wanted a relationship like the one Justin and I share, and now Annabelle, too. I’m telling you, Nick saw you and he looked at you like you were everything good and worthwhile in this world.

Then you dicked out on him, and it was like a wave of pain crushed him and put him back together without any hope left in him. In the blink of an eye he went from this caring guy to emotionally null. The look on his face when you told him to go was—”

“Stop!” Josh shouted, his voice breaking. “I couldn’t have hurt him, I don’t mean anything to him!” And now
he
hurt so bad inside he wanted to curl up and die. Nick didn’t give a shit about him, he couldn’t—

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Evan made a sympathetic noise and pulled Josh into his arms. “But you
did
, Josh, and I’m sorry, so sorry, but you need to know you just threw it all away.”

Nick called his foreman to inform him he’d be back at the ranch in two days. He

packed what little he’d brought with him then made the second call he needed to, dreading it. His mother knew how to lay on the guilt, and if she ever even suspected he’d so much as thought about another man, she’d drag him to the church and have his ass in a confessional so fast he wouldn’t have time to protest. Right after she told him what an abomination he was and how he was going to burn in Hell. She loved him, but she loved her religion more, having found comfort in it after Ian Calhoun seduced her and tossed her aside. Nick couldn’t blame her for it, but he didn’t share her enthusiasm at all. It was a sore spot between them, but she was still the only family he had, wasn’t she? Annabelle wouldn’t hate him any less than she did just because they shared half the same DNA, and Rory would likely follow her lead.

And Josh had told him to leave, so there wasn’t any reason for him to hang around any longer. Nick stuffed down the emotion that threatened to surface. He wasn’t going to let himself feel anything from now on. He’d go back to the occasional date with a woman to get laid and forget about Josh and all the things he wanted to do to the man.

Nick snorted and zipped up his grooming kit. He didn’t even
know
what he wanted to do to Josh. Or what he wanted Josh to do to him.
Had wanted Josh to do to me. No more.
But Nick’s heart and brain weren’t paying attention, because both seemed to race at the thought of touching Josh, being touched by him.

“Goddamnit!” Nick pulled his phone from his pocket and dialled his mother’s line. It was more effective than an ice bath, hearing her strident voice through the phone. After a brief conversation letting her know he’d be returning, Nick turned his phone of and, after one last look around the hotel room to make sure he’d got everything, he closed the door and went to the front office to turn in his key card. Fifteen minutes later, he was out of the county and telling himself he’d be glad to never see Josh again. Maybe eventually he’d even believe it.

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“You’re sure?” Josh asked again, sweat slicking his palms and beading on his brow and above his top lip. His pits felt absolutely drenched, which was disgusting, but it
was
summer in south Texas, i.e., Hell.

Evan nodded again and gave a put upon sounding sigh. “I told you, I
know
what I saw. He looked devastated. If I’m wrong, your pride takes a hit. If I’m right, well, maybe you get a happy ending, huh? Or at least a happy beginning and something to work towards.”

Josh wasn’t sure about that, but if he’d hurt Nick…he just couldn’t stand the idea. And he was still going to be in deep shit with everyone, he hadn’t forgotten that and told Evan as much.

Evan rolled his eyes and nodded. “Well, yeah, they’re gonna be upset, but they love you—well, Rory probably just likes you, but he’s got a soft heart—and Annabelle and Justin will eventually stop hollering and just want you to be happy. I’ll probably catch hell, too, for not telling them immediately, but we’ll get past it.”

“Great.” Josh slumped down in the seat, feeling more like shit than he’d ever thought possible. Now he’d got Evan into another secret, albeit one he wouldn’t have to keep long, but still. His mood plummeted even further when they turned into the parking lot of the hotel Officer Stanton had told them Nick was staying in. The big black truck was nowhere to be seen.

“Shit,” Evan muttered, slowing his own truck down before stopping in front of the lobby. “Maybe he went for a drive to cool off.”

Josh couldn’t even utter a token agreement. He could barely breathe as panic wrapped his muscles in steel bands and squeezed his heart painfully. It didn’t get any better when they got out and walked into the lobby, where the clerk informed them that Nick had checked out almost an hour ago. Josh’s knees went all wobbly on him and little grey dots littered his vision. Only Evan’s strong arm around his waist kept Josh upright.

“Come on, I’ll take you home.” The sympathy in Evan’s voice tore at Josh, making his eyes fill and tears spill over before he could stop them. “Josh, don’t, we’ll…we’ll do something. We can keep this between ourselves for a few days, maybe—”

“No,” Josh croaked, his nose burning and stuffing up at the same time. “No more

secrets. I’ve already fucked up everything. Take me to your place.”

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Evan hustled him outside and gently helped him into the truck. He didn’t close the passenger door, instead halting Josh’s attempts at buckling up by grasping his trembling hand. Josh looked at Evan, or tried to through the deluge of tears.

“You should get some rest, maybe try to call Nick or text him, explain why you told him to leave,” Evan urged, squeezing his hand. “Take care of that first. If you want, I can even talk to Annabelle, tell her what’s happened and why—”

Josh shook his head. “I should have said something sooner. I can’t possibly feel any worse than I do right now, and I am not letting you do what I should have done to begin with. I’ll…I’ll think about calling Nick, once I talk to Annabelle and everyone else I have to grovel to. I just want to get it over with.” Get all the bad parts out of the way so he could figure out what to do. Right now he couldn’t think for the weight of the guilt bearing down on him.

“I don’t think—” Evan began. Josh cut him off immediately.

“It’s my mistake, my choice, my responsibility to make it right. Take me or I’ll get there myself.”

Evan let go of his hand and took a step back, watching him like Josh was a couple of aces short of a deck. “All right, we do it your way, but I’m not letting it turn into a shouting match.”

Josh almost laughed at that. As if Evan could stop either of his lovers from—

rightfully—chewing his ass. He snapped his seatbelt in place then looked at Evan. The man looked serious, and that could cause problems for Evan, Justin and Annabelle.

“I want you to stay out of it no matter what,” Josh said, rushing to finish when Evan opened his mouth to protest. “I have enough guilt to crush me right now, don’t pile more on by arguing with your lovers, okay? I can’t handle it, but I
can
handle their tempers.” He’d had plenty of practice dealing with Justin’s, and he’d calmed Annabelle down from a hissy more than once.