What Remains of Me (17 page)

She'd always been like this, a monster, even though Kelly was just seeing it now—bloodred eyes shining, the cleaver swinging.

Kelly said, “You killed her. You killed Catherine.”

“Give it back!
Give the heart back!
”

Monster-Mom slashed at her with the cleaver. The blade connected with Kelly's chest and she couldn't breathe she couldn't . . .

Kelly gasped herself awake, panting in Jimmy's tiny spare bedroom, sweat pouring down the back of her neck, her hand to her own throat, trembling all over.
What a dream,
she thought.
What an awful dream
.

Kelly glanced at the dresser—at the bright numbers on the digital clock. 4:32
A.M.
A countdown. She tried closing her eyes, but she couldn't go back to sleep. Not now, not yet.

She switched on the lamp next to her bed, crept over to the small closet in the corner of the room, and slid the door open. At the bottom of the closet, she'd stashed her empty suitcase. But it wasn't empty, not really. She unzipped it, removed the framed picture of Catherine and then, the heart. She hadn't even looked at it since arriving here at Jimmy's, but she noticed now how frayed the red ribbon was at the front, how faded the fabric.

Who had given this to her mother? Why had she kept it so long?

From the living room, Kelly could hear Jimmy snoring. He'd never made it to the bedroom, but that was okay. He was a very heavy sleeper.

Kelly headed into the kitchen, anger pulsing through her, Mom's phone call echoing in her mind and that dream . . . that dream.
A monster all along . . .
She dropped the Valentine heart in the sink, opened it, and turned the hot water on full blast until the box started to fall apart, the stale chocolates destroyed, the entire sink filling with steaming water, drowning it. When she turned the water off, the box was in pieces, the chocolates floating. Ruined forever. A pang of guilt tugged at her—
Why had Mom kept this box for so long?
But she brushed it away. She wasn't Mom. Not anymore. She didn't deserve Kelly's guilt—not even a pang of it.

Kelly drained the sink. She scooped the chocolates out and dumped them in the trash can underneath, along with the remnants of the box, tied off the trash bag, sneaked out the front door and tossed it in the Dumpster around the side of the house. Sometimes, it was good having a dad who was such a sound sleeper.

When she slipped back inside, Kelly found herself remembering a time when she and Catherine had been around eleven, left alone by Mom for a few hours in the afternoon, feeling like grown-ups. Kelly had immediately turned on the TV. Flipped the channel to
All My Children
—a show she used to love, mainly because Mom had said it was too mature for a girl her age.

Catherine, meanwhile, had gone snooping in their mother's closet and, as usual, she'd been the one to make the day's big discovery. “
Kelly!
” Her sister had shrieked her name so loud, she'd thought something awful had happened. But when Kelly had rushed into the room, she had found Catherine on the floor, an open cardboard box in front of her. Kelly had asked what was in it, but her sister had been struck silent. All she could do was point at it.

In the box was a stack of black-and-white postcards showing the same young woman in four different outfits: a bikini, a nurse's uniform, a spangled, strapless evening dress, and a sexy farm girl outfit, complete with pitchfork. In the corner of the cards was the phone number of a talent agent and the name of the busty blond actress in the photos: Rainy Daye. It had taken Kelly a lot longer than Catherine to recognize Rainy Daye as Mom.

“
Wow,
” Kelly had said. “
It's like we never really knew her
.”

“You know what, Kelly? I don't think anybody really knows each other.”

“Except you and me, right?”

“Except you and me.”

Kelly opened the nightstand drawer and reached in, to the very back until she could feel the delicate chain of Catherine's necklace. Watching herself in the mirror, she carefully slipped the chain around her neck and fastened it. The golden heart glittered at her throat, the chain resting against her neck. It made her feel beautiful. Kelly would never take the necklace off. She would wear it forever, Catherine's secret. She would keep it with her always.

Kelly touched the two small diamonds at the base of the heart. She stared into the mirror, smiled at the girl she was turning into.

KELLY MADE IT THROUGH THE FIRST HALF OF THE DAY, BARELY. THE
low point was Miss Collins's English class, when she fell asleep at her desk in the middle of a pop quiz. Miss Collins, a skinny, pursed-lipped woman whom Bellamy claimed was still a virgin at thirty-five (“
I can tell these things. Trust me.
”), had been so annoyed with Kelly she hadn't woken her. As a result, she'd awakened with a snort in the middle of the next class's pop quiz, enduring their laughter as well as that of her following class, American history, when she'd walked in bleary-eyed and twenty minutes late.

It was all she could do to make it through to Mr. Hansen's science class—and for that, thankfully, she was awake and on time. Bellamy showed up a few minutes after her, hair and eyes shiny as ever, notebook clutched to an electric blue V-neck sweater Kelly had borrowed from her once—a Dior. She looked happy and rested, as though she'd been able to squeeze in a spa visit between the fourteen-hour-long acid trip and school starting this morning.

“Long time no see, Miss Marshall,” said Mr. Hansen, who had greeted the just-as-long-absent Kelly with a curt nod.

“Yes, Mr. Hansen, it certainly has been a while.” Bellamy said it so sweetly, without a tinge of sarcasm in her voice as she headed to her desk, handing Kelly a folded-up piece of notebook paper as she passed. A few of the boys in the back row snickered, but Mr. Hansen just stared after her, his face reddening slightly, powerless to speak. How could he, after all? She hadn't said anything wrong.

Kelly touched the heart pendant at her neck, Catherine's necklace, which, in a way, made up for the rest of what she was wearing—the tired flannel shirt, the green corduroy pants from JCPenney that Mom had bought her a year ago, when she was three inches shorter and at least a size smaller. No, the necklace fit. It always would. It wasn't Catherine's secret anymore. It was hers now, and to touch it reminded her of the changes in her life. Big changes. Wonderful ones.

Something hit her in the back of the head. Spitball. Kelly heard them laughing behind her, Pete Nichol, Randy Butler . . . Evan Mueller, barking like a dog. Her face reddened, Vee's voice in her head.
Tell him to go fuck himself
. It drowned out the other voice, the tiny, timid voice that always told her to pretend it's not happening, ignore it and it will go away.
Ignore them
. But she couldn't. Mr. Hansen scribbled on the chalk board, oblivious as he wanted to be, oblivious as he always
was to the pain of students he didn't care about. The invisible ones in cheap clothes who didn't get good grades, whose parents weren't rich. The ones, like Kelly, who didn't matter.

The chalk knocked and squeaked against the blackboard. Another spitball hit Kelly on the arm. She spun around, glancing quickly at Bellamy, busying herself with her notebook and then at Evan Mueller. She stared him down.

Slowly, he brought his index and middle finger up to his mouth and stuck his tongue through the crook between them, his eyes half closed, his face lewd and ugly. Kelly's stomach clenched up.

“Freak,” he whispered.

She said, “Go fuck yourself.”

The boys stopped snickering. Bellamy's eyes widened. Her hand flew up to her mouth.

“What did you just say?” Mr. Hansen said.

And she turned to him—that look in his eyes, a mixture of anger and shock, something else mixed in too. Was it fear? She could hear the rest of the class, whispering to each other, Phoebe Calloway in the front row saying, “Uh-oh . . .”

“They threw spitballs at me.” Kelly's voice was quiet, calm. “So I told them to go fuck themselves.”

Silence settled in fast—like someone throwing a towel over a birdcage. For a long moment, everything froze. Time stopped. The air in the room turned thick and still.

“Go to the principal's office,” Hansen said.

“Okay.” Kelly slipped the note from Bellamy into her pants pocket and stood up. She dared to look at the row behind her as she did—at those boys staring up at her with shocked, unblinking eyes and then, at Bellamy.

Bellamy smiled.
Way to go,
she mouthed.

Kelly walked out of the classroom, her back straight. A different person.
Perfect
. As she walked down the hall to the principal's office, she removed the note from her pocket, read:

JAILBIRD PARTY TONIGHT AT VEE'S.

BE THERE.

“WELL,” JIMMY SAID AS HE PUT ON HIS BLINKER AND TURNED UP
their street, “I guess you've got a few days off from school.”

First thing he'd said to Kelly since he'd picked her up at the principal's office. She wished he'd said something different:
It wasn't your fault. All you did was fight back, for once
. Something like that. “I didn't do anything wrong,” she said. “I didn't deserve to be suspended.”

He shrugged. “Principal said you swore at some boys in the middle of science class.”

She started to say something, then stopped. She looked at her dad's bowed shoulders, his scarred hands on the wheel. He got beat up for a living—threw himself off of buildings and set himself on fire, did whatever directors told him to do, no matter how much it hurt or how long the pain lasted, just so some stupid actors could look brave. Jimmy didn't fight back. Not ever. How was he supposed to understand? She remembered the hush that had fallen over the classroom as she walked out, the way Bellamy had smiled at her, the way she'd
understood
. And tonight, a party. A
Jailbird Party
. Kelly was going. She'd sneak out of the house if she had to. She'd wait 'til he was passed out, and then she'd hitch a ride . . .

“I've got a shoot tonight.” Jimmy said it like he'd been reading her mind.

“Huh?”

“Low-budget piece of crap, which means there won't be too many retakes. But I probably won't be home 'til tomorrow morning.” He gave her an awkward smile. “No parties at the house.”

“Is it okay if I spend the night at a friend's?”

Jimmy sighed. “Tonight?”

“I . . . um . . . I get kind of scared staying home alone.”

He looked at her for a few seconds. “You need a ride there?”

“No. She can pick me up. But . . . Uh . . . I may need cab fare for the morning.”

“Sure.”

Kelly bit her lip to keep from smiling.

He pulled into the driveway, turned off the car. “Kelly?”

“Yeah?”

“You're just going to spend the night with one girlfriend, right?”

“Huh?”

He turned to her, watched her face in such a way it forced her to look up and meet his gaze. “No more messing around with McFadden's kid,” he said. “No more trouble. Promise?” It was as though all his features were sinking, the watery eyes sadder than ever.

“I promise.” Kelly said it in a tone to match the look in his eyes. “I won't mess up again.”

He kept watching her, his face changing, Kelly hoping harder and harder for him to look away, for the lie to take.

I blew it
.
He doesn't believe me
. “You . . . uh . . . you okay?”

“You're wearing it,” he said.

“Huh?”

He pointed at the necklace. “I . . . I thought it was gone.”

Kelly exhaled. “No, Catherine gave it to me.”

“She tell you where she got it?”

Kelly shook her head.

Jimmy's face relaxed. He started to roll up his car window. “I had a hell of a time getting the jeweler to put those two diamonds on there. He thought it looked better with just one and he was kind of a picky bastard.”

She stared at him. “It's from you?”

He stopped. Looked at her. “Had it made special. A diamond for each of my little gems. I picked them out and everything. See? That one on the right is just a little bit bigger. That's you.”

Kelly blinked a few times. Said it again. “You were the one who gave Catherine that necklace.”

“Not just Catherine. Both of you girls. I'd have given you two necklaces, but I couldn't afford it, so I did the next best thing.”

“She never told me. She . . . she acted like it was some big secret.”

“I don't know why she'd do that.”

Kelly sighed. “Me neither.”

“Catherine stayed with me for a few days after one of her fights with your mother. Do you remember that?”

“She disappeared a lot. Never told us where she was going.”

“Well, one time she came here. I bought her that necklace. Gave it to her in exchange for a promise that she'd give your mother another chance. I told her to share it with you.”

Kelly shook her head. “I don't know why she never told me. I wouldn't have made her share the necklace if she didn't want to.”

“Well,” he said. “Your mother never liked me buying things for you kids. She thought you'd get spoiled.”

Kelly rolled her eyes. That was Mom, all right.

“At any rate, I'm glad you're wearing it, Kelly,” he said. “I'm glad Catherine gave it to you.”

“Me too.” She smiled at him. Jimmy. Dad.
I'm only lying for your own good
.

Jimmy opened his car door, started to get out. “Listen, when you go to your girlfriend's tonight, make sure and get the homework assignments from her,” he said, over his shoulder. An afterthought. “Suspended doesn't mean you're out of school forever.”