What She Left for Me (34 page)

“Taffy and I rented a flat in London. Uncle Cal was appointed as assistant to the U.S. ambassador, and he and Taffy would spend a good deal of their time there. Taffy thought it wonderful fun for us to find the perfect place and decorate it together. I must say it was a nice diversion. I have very pleasant memories of our time together. London was a fascinating town.”

“I’d like to go there someday,” Jana said wistfully.

Eleanor stared at her oddly for a moment. It had never even entered her mind that Jana might enjoy such a thing. “We’ll have to do it, then. Maybe next summer when the baby is old enough to endure a trip like that.”

Jana smiled. “Do you really suppose we could?”

“I don’t know why not. I’ll have the business sale finalized by then, and we’ll have plenty of money. I’d imagine even Taffy would want to go.”

“I couldn’t picture us making the trip without her.”

“Neither could I.” She let her mind drift back to those weeks in London. “Taffy made London seem almost like a fairy tale.”

****

There was something about London that spoke to Eleanor. Maybe it was the ancientness of the city—maybe it was the regal sense of royalty and pomp. Whatever it was, Eleanor found that London held a sort of balm that she had not expected.

They managed to find a lovely Georgian apartment with a large number of suites and sitting rooms. Taffy was pleased.

“We’ll be able to entertain here in grand order,” she told her niece.

“I think it’s beautiful,” Eleanor replied, studying the architectural design of the room. Someone had gone to a great deal of trouble to create an artistic trim in white marble. Grand columns looked like they were built right out of the wall, stretching up on either side of the fireplace and ending in a detailed pilaster that blended right into the room’s crown molding. The details gave the high ceilings a character all their own.

Taffy fingered the draperies. “I think these will do. They aren’t all that old.”

Eleanor glanced at the heavy gold damask. “I think they make the room look regal.”

Their days in London were spent adding their own personality to the new home, as well as keeping up with the right parties and people. Eleanor was fascinated by all that took place. She spent her days shopping on Oxford and Regent streets, and occasionally when Taffy was buying for Cal, they would go to Saville Row. Fortnum and Mason was Taffy’s favorite place for specialty foods, and she and Eleanor shopped there religiously before each special tea or party.

Eleanor loved the ambiance of London and occasionally made her own way, walking in solemn study of various churches and palace homes. Her favorite was Westminster Abbey, where she imagined the history of England playing out. Nothing was as charming or wondrous as her time in London.

Neither was it as painful and detrimental.

Eleanor gradually became aware of problems between her aunt and uncle. Taffy was unhappy with Cal for several reasons. His mood had changed. He was drinking more and indulging in gambling, which constantly worried Taffy. His philandering was also more evident. More than once Taffy caught him in the arms of the maid or housekeeper. She also began to hear stories from their friends, and the details were quite troubling.

After several weeks in their new home, Eleanor began to hear arguments between her aunt and uncle. She’d never experienced this before and it concerned her greatly. She tried to talk to Taffy about it, but the woman wouldn’t see her burdened with such misery.

“I’ve known what kind of man I married since the day we said ‘I do.’ But I had hoped he might change,” Taffy told her seriously. “Remember this before you marry, Eleanor. Don’t go into a relationship believing you can make a man any different than he is.”

“I don’t plan to marry,” Eleanor said, realizing she meant it. She hadn’t given such matters much conscious thought, but now it seemed logical. “But neither,” she added, “do I intend to live with any man.” She shook her head, remembering how hopeless she had felt the day her mother had admitted to merely living all those years with Eleanor’s father.

“I suppose the thing for us to do is put our hearts back on the proper path,” Taffy told her. “I’ve long been remiss in seeking God.”

“Seeking Him for what?” Eleanor asked. She still had horrible memories of that foster home where God had been sorely misused.

“Let’s have some tea—maybe go to Harrods afterward,” Taffy suggested. “I’ll tell you all about it over something wickedly delicious.”

When they were settled in a small shop with tea and scones, complete with clotted cream and strawberry jam, Taffy continued. “Eleanor, I’ve given this a lot of thought. I was raised to believe in God, you know. I came from a family where God was a fierce judge of all we did or did not do. But over the years, I’ve come to understand that God was something more. God truly cares about us and our hearts.”

“How can you say that? You’ve seen the way people misuse religion and God. You know what those people did to me in the foster home.”

“Yes, but that isn’t what I’m talking about. I’ve been reading some books—books that make me feel much different about God. I’m hoping you might read them too. I think if we can find a small church—not a great cathedral, but rather an intimate gathering of people who believe as we believe—then we might benefit greatly and find our souls assuaged.”

“But what do we believe?” Eleanor asked, putting her china cup down. “I’ve only seen the confusion and penalties of believing in God. I don’t understand Him, nor do I think I want to.”

“But you would give it a chance for me—wouldn’t you?”

****

Eleanor pulled herself out of the memory and looked at her daughter. “I gave her a chance because you know how persuasive Taffy can be. But what amazed me more was she was right. I found myself overcome with a peace that I couldn’t begin to explain as I turned to God and accepted Jesus as my Savior.”

“I didn’t know you were saved, Mom.”

Eleanor let out a sigh. “Something happened. Something that caused me to walk away from God.”

Jana seemed to instantly understand. “My father.”

Eleanor realized the time had come to explain the truth. “Yes.” She halted, not sure that she could or should continue.

“Please, Mom. I need to know.” Jana’s pleading was Eleanor’s undoing.

“I told you that Taffy was growing very unhappy with Cal. He was constantly chasing one skirt and then another. And he wasn’t doing much to hide that fact. We were constantly caught up in the social life that was demanded of us as political figures, but Taffy wanted only to get away, so we began to plan a trip back to the U.S. We purchased our tickets and scheduled the flight for two weeks later.

“Taffy told Cal we were going and told him why. She said he needed time to rethink his priorities and decide for himself if he wanted to make their marriage work. This really surprised me,” Eleanor admitted. “I hadn’t expected such a thing from Taffy. I’d only seen her happy and confident, but then I realized she was just very good at keeping things under control.”

“How did you find out she’d told Uncle Cal all of this?” Jana wondered aloud.

“I overheard them one evening. I couldn’t sleep, so I’d come down the back stairs for something to eat. I was in the kitchen trying to figure out where the cook had put the leftover roast when I heard something upstairs. I lost interest in my snack because I could have sworn it was Taffy screaming. Not in surprise, you understand, but rather in her demands.

“I went up one flight and they were in the hallway having it out. Taffy told Cal he’d embarrassed her for the last time.”

“What did Uncle Cal do?”

“I was afraid that he would hit her or yell back, but he didn’t,” Eleanor said, shaking her head. “Instead, he was speaking softly and sweetly. Cajoling her with his words—acknowledging that he didn’t deserve such a good woman. It made me sick. Here she was pouring out her heart, and he was playing her for a fool. I knew it as clearly as I knew anything, and I wasn’t about to let it go unchallenged. But then, to my surprise, Taffy yielded. She calmed down and allowed him to embrace her and continue to apologize. I went upstairs angry. I was determined that I would never allow a man to do such a thing to me. I was further determined to have it out with Cal the next day.”

“And did you?”

Eleanor looked at her hands. It was an old habit whenever she wanted to avoid the moment. “I tried to catch him before he went to work, but he left too early. Then I thought I might go by his office, but when I showed up, I found out he’d taken the afternoon off. That really made me angry because I was certain he was out seeing some other woman.

“I went back home, and when Taffy told me she had a horrible migraine and was going to bed, I thought it good timing. Cal would come home from his affair and I would take him to task.” She stopped for a moment and forced herself to look at Jana. “But he didn’t come home until late. And when he came home, he was very, very drunk.”

“What did you do?”

“Well, I knew there would be no reasoning with him at that point. He was staggering all over the house, so I helped him to his room. Unfortunately, he thought I was Michelle, one of the maids he’d been fooling around with.” She stopped there, afraid to relive the moment. In her mind she could still hear his slurred speech in her ears . . . feel his heavy breathing against her face.

“I tried to fight him off,” Eleanor murmured. Her words were stuck in her throat. “I tried.” She looked at Jana.

“Uncle Cal raped you?” she asked in disbelief.

Eleanor could see the understanding was beginning to dawn. “Yes,” she whispered.

Thirty-one

“Are you trying to tell me,” Jana asked in horror, “that I’m the daughter of Calvin Anderson?”

“You certainly are,” Taffy said from the doorway.

Neither Jana nor her mother had heard Taffy return. Jana looked at her great-aunt, then quickly turned her stunned face to her mother. Eleanor buried her face in her hands. She was clearly mortified by the situation.

“I’ve waited for years for this truth to finally be discussed,” Taffy said, stepping into the kitchen.

Jana shook her head. “I thought you were at a retreat.”

Taffy laughed, as though they were discussing nothing more important than the weather. “I had the wrong weekend. Guess that’s what I get for trusting myself with the details.”

“I didn’t hear you come in,” Jana said.

The old woman took charge of the situation. “Well, it’s a good thing. This is a conversation that has been long overdue. Now, both of you come out here into the living room. This may take some time, and I want to be comfortable.”

Jana looked to her mother. It was clear that Eleanor just wished they would all disappear. But Taffy was right. This conversation was long overdue. Jana got to her feet and went around to her mother’s side. “Come on, Mom. Let’s go talk this out.”

Eleanor got to her feet, shaking her head. “I didn’t know she knew. I didn’t think anyone knew.”

Jana helped guide her mother to a comfortable overstuffed chair. She waited until Eleanor was settled, almost afraid that her mother might break completely apart. She seemed so fragile. Finally Jana took her own seat on the couch and looked to her great-aunt for answers. Taffy stood for several moments before pulling up an oak rocker and sitting directly in front of both women.

Eleanor finally looked up, and Jana saw there were tears in her eyes. “How long have you known?”

“Practically since it happened,” Taffy admitted. “At least I surmised it to be the truth. Cal was impossible to live with after that day, and you were determined to get back to America and have little or nothing to do with anyone. I knew something terrible had happened, but I thought perhaps it was nothing more than you had walked in on Cal with one of the maids.”

“So after you were raped,” Jana said, turning to her mother, “you didn’t tell anyone?”

“I couldn’t,” she said in a hoarse whisper. “I couldn’t hurt Taffy that way. I couldn’t bear the guilt I felt, and I couldn’t risk having her or anyone else blame me as people had blamed me for enticing my father.”

“You did nothing wrong,” Jana declared. “Not in being molested and not in being raped. It wasn’t your fault.”

“Maybe not, but there are things you don’t understand,” Eleanor said, refusing to look her daughter in the eye. “Things I can’t talk about—things that are just too ugly.”

Taffy shook her head. “Sometimes the details aren’t important to share, but sometimes they are. You have no reason to fear condemnation in this group.”

“Cal didn’t seem to even recognize me,” Eleanor said, her voice still low. “He thought I was there for his pleasure. The entire matter so shocked and sickened me that after my initial attempt to fight him off, I just let him have his way. I didn’t want to scream or cry out because the last thing I wanted to do was attract attention. I didn’t want you to know.” She looked up and finally met Taffy’s gaze. “I let him do what he wanted.”

“Child, you have no blame in that situation. None whatsoever. Cal told me all about the matter prior to his death.”

“He did?” Eleanor was clearly surprised.

“Yes, but let me back up.” Taffy drew a deep breath and her expression took on a look that suggested she was trying to gather her thoughts. After a moment she spoke. “I remember when we flew home and left Cal in London. I had already given him an ultimatum and threatened to separate permanently if he didn’t stop fooling around. He promised he would, but in the days just prior to our flight, he began drinking so heavily that I knew something was bothering him. Like I said, I saw your moodiness as well and figured you’d had some sort of shared encounter. At that point I had no reason to suspect the truth, however.