What She Left for Me (6 page)

Jana remembered drilling her mother about that issue when she’d obtained a copy of her birth certificate for her driver’s license.

“Why isn’t my father’s name on this?” she’d asked.

“He didn’t want to be a part of your life, so I saw no reason to list him.”

“But he
is
a part of my life,” Jana protested. “He helped to create me. He can’t just
not
be a part of who I am.”

“Your father had nothing to do with any part of your life,” her mother replied bitterly. “His money may have seen you placed in good schools, may have bought me a decent business to run—but he had nothing to do with you. He didn’t want you, and if I’d been sensible, I would have gotten an abortion.”

Her mother’s words—in their cold, no-nonsense manner—crushed Jana. She felt haunted by them, and it wasn’t until she met Rob that Jana felt she could begin to heal. Rob helped her see that the past couldn’t be changed, but the future could be completely altered. Jana saw hope in that.

“A lot of good it did me,” she said, going to her bedroom.

Like the other rooms, this one had been reduced to nothing more than a generic setting. A bed and dresser were all that suggested its purpose; tomorrow morning even those things would be taken away. The room would be stripped of the last remnants of the McGuires.

Jana slipped out of her clothes and then pulled on an old T-shirt and crawled into bed. She reached across to where Rob used to be, an old habit she hadn’t yet found a way to break. She stroked the pillow, thinking of the times they’d stay up late talking. Rob had always fascinated her with the things he knew. It had been part of the reason she’d been attracted to him in the first place. That and his loving nature, his sympathetic heart, his devotion. When he’d asked Jana to marry him, she had jumped at the chance.

“But it was all lies. His love was a lie. He didn’t love me. He couldn’t have loved me and walked away with another woman.”

And if Rob’s love was a lie, then maybe God’s love was a lie as well.

Jana stared blankly in the darkness. A sliver of light slipped in through the side of the blinds, making eerie shadows on the ceiling and walls. She wanted to pray, but the words wouldn’t come. Instead, the fear that maybe God wasn’t at all who she thought Him to be haunted her every thought.

Surely if God was really the loving Father Jana believed, He would have protected her from this horror that had become her life. And if God loved her, as Rob had always assured her, why would He allow her to be hurt like this? Jana thought of the baby in her womb.

“I’d never let my child hurt like this. If I had the power that God has, I would never allow anything bad to happen to my children.”

So that made God indifferent, at least in Jana’s mind. It made Him no different than her mother.

It was a terrifying conclusion for Jana. How could she have been so duped? How could both Rob and God have so completely fooled her?

“I used to think I was fairly smart,” she said with a sigh. “I thought because of my upbringing that I would be cautious . . . I thought I understood so much more than I do.” She pounded her fists into Rob’s pillow as though the action could somehow relieve her misery.

“I don’t understand any of this! Why is this happening?”

****

Those questions were still on Jana’s mind as she loaded her car the next day. Keith Ribley, the man who’d bought her furniture, had come with a large truck and the help of three other men. To Jana’s surprise, she learned that the man was the father of one of the church members. It became increasingly clear that her church family had come to the sale and bought up most everything solely to help Jana on her way.

For some reason it made her feel guilty instead of loved. Maybe that was because Jana wanted no attachment to these people or to God . . . yet both seemed to continue imposing themselves on her.

Even this morning, Jana’s first instinct had been to pray, but in anger she had refused.
God doesn’t care about me,
she had determined.
If He cared, He would have kept all of this from happening.

She saw several cars pull into the church parking lot and wondered what was happening. She couldn’t remember anything being on the schedule; then it dawned on her that the new pastor was probably coming.

Jana tried to ignore the additional vehicles that arrived. Maybe the church members were coming to help the new pastor move in. Maybe there would be a potluck dinner afterward. She pushed the notion aside. It hurt to imagine life going on for Hope Bible Church of Spokane. Months, years from now, no one would even remember that Rob and Jana McGuire had pastored the church.

For reasons beyond her understanding, that thought hurt almost as much as Rob’s desertion. It was here at this church that Jana had felt a sense of family for the first time. And even though Rob had discouraged her from getting close to people, Jana had known their respect and consideration.

“Jana!”

She closed the trunk and turned to see a large group of people crossing the lawn between the church and parsonage. Kelly and Joey were leading the way.

“We wanted to come and say good-bye and to bring you a few things,” Kelly called.

Gary Rhoades and his wife, Mary, came alongside Kelly and Joey. “We wanted to send you off properly,” Gary said. His tone was serious, but he offered Jana a smile that bespoke compassion and genuine concern.

Jana stiffened.
I won’t let myself get hurt again. I can’t care about these people.
She wanted to send them all away. To chastise them for something that wasn’t even their fault.

Bill had finished unloading the furniture from the house and came to join the group, as did his helpers. Gary looked to Kelly and nodded. Kelly in turn looked to Roberta Winsome.

The older woman motioned to a younger man, whom Jana knew was her grandson, to come forward with a large sack. “I’ve made you some goodies for the trip,” Roberta announced. “There’s also some extra to take to your mom and great-aunt. Thought it might help you feel better not to go to them empty-handed.”

Jana felt dumbfounded and for a moment had no idea what to do or say. Were these people for real? Did they honestly think to comfort her with baked goods? She immediately regretted her sarcastic thoughts. They were trying their best—it wasn’t their fault. She had to get a grip on her emotions, but it was as if her hands were too slick to hold on to them.

“We also pitched in to get you a few things to remember us by,” Kelly said, coming forward with yet another sack. “There are a few books we picked up for you and some other things we thought might bring you comfort.”

Jana continued to stare at them. She wanted to say something, but she knew if she opened her mouth her words would be harsh—sarcastic.
Why can’t they just go away and leave me be? I don’t want to hurt them.

“And the elders voted,” Gary announced, “and decided you deserved this.” He extended a card. “We’ve given you a sort of severance pay. You worked as hard here as Rob did, and we want to reward you for it.”

Roberta nudged her grandson. “Go put those things in the car. Take Kelly’s bag too.” The young man did as he was told, but still Jana could only watch. She couldn’t even will herself to reach out and take the card that Gary offered.

Kelly seemed to understand and came to put her arm around Jana. “It’s not much, but we wanted you to know how special you were to us. We want you to know that you’re always welcome to come back. We know it can’t be comfortable for you right now, but maybe in time you’ll want to return.”

Jana finally forced out her thanks. “It was kind of you to come.” She took the card, seeing that Gary was growing rather uncomfortable. “I’m sorry . . . I don’t know what else to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything,” Kelly replied. “We didn’t come here for a speech. We came to give you these things and to pray with you. We don’t want to send you off without prayer.” Some of the group nodded, while others verbalized their agreement.

Jana bit her lip.
Prayer? They want to pray with me? Isn’t it a little late for that?

But even as she was thinking this, the people gathered around her. Several of them reached out to touch her, while Kelly looped her arm through Jana’s. Gary suggested they all bow their heads, but Jana could only stare wide-eyed at the group.

I don’t want to hear their prayers or their sympathy.
She was glad now that she’d never mentioned the baby. Gary was already thanking God for having the chance to know Jana. Her heart hardened a little bit more. Was Gary also thankful for knowing Rob? Would he have wanted the young pastor and his wife—wanted to know them and care about them—if he’d known this moment would come?

Kelly was praying now. “Watch over her, Lord. Keep her from harm.”

Keep me from harm? Where were your prayers weeks ago, when my husband was planning all of this? Where was God’s protection from “harm” then?

Even at this time, Jana knew that little by little she was building a wall that would help her survive the pain. If she quartered herself away from people—kept her heart hidden behind a protective shell—she wouldn’t be hurt anymore. And after all, wasn’t this exactly what her mother had tried to teach her?

“Don’t care too much about people, Jana.” Her mother’s words echoed as clearly as if she were standing at Jana’s side. “You’ll only end up hurt. Focus on something that can’t be taken away from you—something you have power over.”

But what was that thing? It wasn’t friendship, because soon enough these people would forget about her and leave her behind. It wasn’t the child she carried, because Jana knew from her own experience that mothers and daughters could be as distant as the east was from the west. What one thing could Jana cling to and know that she could trust?

“Let Jana hold on to you, Lord,” Kelly was saying. It almost seemed prophetic, but Jana refused to yield to that idea.

God can’t possibly care about me. He just can’t. I wouldn’t be standing here now if He was truly concerned with my well-being,
Jana thought.
If these people only knew what a farce it all is—that we aren’t safe or cared for.
She wanted to scream at them all. Yet looking around the circle of peaceful expressions, Jana knew it would do little good. These people were convinced that God did care—that His love could conquer all problems.

I’d like to believe that is true, but it hurts so much right now. Maybe I can think about all of this later. But for now, I’d just as soon be left alone.

The prayers concluded and everyone came up to hug Jana and wish her the best. She found herself offering a weak smile. There was nothing left to do. It was time to go.

“I left the keys to the parsonage on the counter. I . . . well . . . I don’t know if Rob left his set with you. I only had my own.”

“I have Rob’s keys,” Gary said.

Jana drew a deep breath. She should have figured that Rob would have planned for every detail. She moved to the car and opened her door. Kelly remained at her side, although she had released her hold.

“Call me and let me know you’ve arrived safely, okay?” she requested. “Here’s my number and a calling card.”

Jana took the items and stared at them for a moment. “I’m not going that far. Only five hours or so.”

“That’s a long ways for a woman by herself,” Kelly chided. “I’d just like to know that you’re safe and sound. Please?”

Jana looked into her pleading expression. “All right.” She supposed it could do no harm to allow this one bit of comfort.

Fighting her emotions, Jana got into the car and started the engine. She tucked the phone card into her purse and looked at the house one last time.
I thought I was happy here,
she reflected with a sadness that threatened to swallow her whole. “I guess I didn’t know I wasn’t happy.”

Six

At forty-eight, Eleanor Templeton was a refined woman who liked peace and order in her life. She dressed in nice clothing ranging between selections from the department store discount racks and name-brand designers. She went to the beauty shop once every two weeks and had her short, dark blond hair trimmed and occasionally recolored. And she continued to manage her New York business, a large independent bookstore, from this remote location in Montana.

“I’m so excited about Jana coming!” Taffy gushed, fairly dancing around the room. For a woman who was approaching eighty, she certainly had more than her fair share of energy.

“I think it’s a mistake,” Eleanor said, speaking over her cup of tea. “I’ve considered this ever since she called, and I think it’s wrong. What if her husband comes back to make amends?”

“I’m sure the people at the church will give him the address.” Taffy began rummaging through the kitchen drawers. “Where did you put the aprons?”

“They’re in the laundry room cupboard. Why?”

Taffy straightened and smoothed her sweater. The lavender-and-yellow creation trimmed around the neck with wisps of dyed purple rabbit fur was better suited to a teenager, as far as Eleanor was concerned, but Taffy was known for her extravagant sense of fashion. Her long black skirt and ankle boots completed the look, but for the life of her, Eleanor couldn’t figure out why the old woman thought this a sensible outfit for a senior citizen.