What She Left Us (26 page)

She
began to cry then, soft and quiet, and he let her cry, and that was what she
needed, to let the sobs out, for she hadn’t really let it all sink in, that she
was so lost, unsure of it all. She felt so lost.

“I
don’t know anything anymore. I keep thinking of everything I ever did in my
life. All of it. Like arguments with Jenna, or with Mom and Dad, and then I’ll
replay them in my head, and try to search for a clue, anything that might have
said,
you’re not really one of us,
you know? It seems like all of it was
a whole lie. Like I lived for a lie.”

“But,
babe,” Mitch squeezed her shoulders reassuringly, “You haven’t lived a lie.
You’ve had a relatively really good life, right?”

She
sniffled. “Yes.”

“You
grew up feeling loved, yes? They sheltered you and loved you, despite the
divorce?”

“Yes.”

“So,
whatever their reasoning, it’s got to be for a purpose. Do you really think
they would have kept anything from you in order to hurt you? They loved you,
and they must have loved you from day one. You’ve got to remember that, and not
dwell on the past. Okay?”

“Okay?”

“Say
it like you mean it.”

Courtney
managed a weak smile, “Okay.”

“You
know I adore you,” Mitch smiled.

“Why
are you so wonderful to me?” she whispered into his chest.

“Because
you are a wonderful person, and because I love you.” He caressed her shoulder,
kissed her hair, and they sat in the comfort of their silence, as if they’d
always belonged together.

“It’s
like I’ve always loved you, but I didn’t know where you were,” Mitch said. “And
now I have you.”

Jenna
lay back in the chair with her eyes closed. It had been weird going to the
hospital on her own without Courtney the first couple of times, but she was finally
used to it. Sadie had ‘plugged’ her in and her bag was almost full. She brought
her iPod with so she could listen to music since she didn’t have Court to chat
with during the sessions anymore and she was losing herself in the comforting
sounds of Adele when Sadie started to unravel the tubes and tapes.

“We’re
done already?” Jenna asked.

“You
sound disappointed,” Sadie laughed.

“I
guess I was kind of getting into my music,” Jenna admitted.

“It
happens. You know, your iron counts look great, and when Tish did your vitals
she said things are looking good.”

“I’m
so glad. It’s so bittersweet, though, you know? Had my mom had this early
information, she’d be here today. It just sucks really bad. I miss her so much.”

Sadie
touched Jenna’s arm and gave her a warm smile. “I know hon, I know.”

Jenna
sat for a few minutes as was required after she was unhooked, then when she was
ready to leave, she hugged Sadie goodbye and said she’d see her in a few days.
She was beginning to look forward to her visits with Sadie and Tish, which was
kind of weird. Strangely, they were becoming like mother figures to her, caring
for her, offering kind words, showing sympathy during a time of need. It was
something Jenna hadn’t had in a long while, and she needed that.

She
headed to the parking lot and thought about calling Courtney but then
remembered she’d be deep into exams. She had spoken to Darren briefly the week
before, when she initiated the call, and he’d been distant, not at all what
she’d hoped, but then he said he’d had the flu and hadn’t been to training the
previous two days, so she let it slide and told him she hoped he felt better
soon and that she loved him. He’d said it back, but it hadn’t felt real. It
hadn’t even felt good. It felt hollow. And sad. Afterward, she’d cried. She didn’t
know if the relationship was worth fighting for any longer.

It
was a crisp December morning and she had the day off. The sun shown so brightly
and rays bounced from the snow that had fallen the day before. The air was so
clean and clear it took her breath away. It was the kind of day that held
promise, the kind of day that made her feel like she wanted something great to
happen. She thought for a fleeting moment about calling Darren to see if he was
feeling better, to see if he was in a better mood, to see if after they were
done talking, if maybe he would say
I love you, I miss you,
and to see
if she would feel good when he'd say it
.
 

But
that was the thing. She was afraid that maybe it wouldn’t make her feel so
wonderful inside, and right now, the day ahead looked promising, and she wanted
to hold onto that feeling.

So
she dialed Clay. He answered on the first ring.

“Did
you know I was just thinking of you?” he said into the phone.

Jenna
couldn’t stop her heart from flip-flopping at his words.

“You
were?”

“I
was.”

“What
were you thinking about?” she smiled into the phone.

“Just
you.”

“Oh.”

“What
are you up to?” he asked.

“I
just got done with the vampires,” she said. Suddenly, Jenna felt shy, not sure
why she called Clay, not sure what she wanted to say to him.

“Cool,”
Clay said. “Hey, you want to grab lunch?”

**

They
met at a place Clay knew of that was off campus. “Off the beaten-path” he told
Jenna, and it was. It took her nearly twenty minutes to find it, but he
promised her it would be well worth it once she got there. From the looks of
the outside, she wasn’t sure what to expect on the inside. Outside, it looked
like just a little house really, off a dirt road, with a vintage maroon and
yellow sign that simply read
Carina’s Café.

It
was toasty warm inside – a fire crackled in an old-fashioned wood-burning
fireplace, and Jenna immediately liked the atmosphere. It smelled of juniper
and pine, and freshly baked bread coming from an oven in the back. She could
also detect the aroma of cinnamon and nutmeg. Jenna was sure someone was in the
kitchen making some stellar holiday cakes and pies. She already knew she wanted
to bring some baked goods back for Courtney and Mitch. And probably some for
Sadie and Tish.

One
small corner housed a mini gift shop, with handcrafted signs, homemade candles
and chocolates. A hostess stand with handwritten paper menus took over the
other corner. Only about fifteen tables filled the restaurant, yet almost all
of them were occupied and there was a happy bustling apron-wearing woman –
obviously Carina – taking orders and chatting with customers.

The
door behind Jenna opened and a rush of cold air flew in. She turned around and
Clay grinned at her.

“You
found it.”

“Wow.
I haven’t even eaten yet, and I’m in love with this place,” Jenna said.

“Just
wait,” Clay said. “Come on, let’s grab a table, they fill up fast.”

He
touched her on her low back to move her through the tables, and she felt
something spark, something she hadn’t expected to feel, and it shocked her and
excited her at the same time. She wasn’t supposed to feel this way about Clay.
But she couldn’t help it.

“Hey
Carina,” Clay nodded to the woman Jenna had suspected was the owner. “I brought
a friend, who will now be a new regular. Because everyone becomes a regular
after their first time at Carina’s!”

Carina
made her way over and hugged Clay, then reached out to shake Jenna's hand,
“Pleased to meet you, I’m Carina.”

“I’m
Jenna. I love your café already! What a great place!”

“Oh
thanks! You guys like some iced tea or coffee?”

Clay
and Jenna grabbed a table, and he ordered Carina’s special fruit infused iced
tea for them both.

“I
adore this place! I love how the chairs are all hand-painted and mismatched,
and the décor is so unique. How’d you find this place?”

“Isn’t
it great? Just a well-kept secret around campus. Great for breakfast. Carina’s
only open for breakfast and lunch though.”

“It’s
so cozy, and comfortable. Totally like family-esque. You know? Like I could see
families coming here on Sundays after church.”

“Yeah,
I come here a lot. So, how was your treatment this morning?” Clay asked.

“Not
too bad. It’s starting to feel like the new normal, you know? I mean, I go, I’m
bringing music now, and I kind of chill out. Sadie and Tish are great. They’re really
taking care of me. They said my vitals and iron counts are great. I almost had
a meltdown this morning though, thinking about Mom. The holidays – they’re going
to be really hard.”

“I
can understand.”

“It’s
also going to be weird going to see Dad. We haven’t seen him since before Mom
died. He didn’t come in for the funeral. I mean, well, he sent a gorgeous
floral arrangement, and it would have been awkward for him to be there. I know
they loved each other for a while. I just don’t understand why… there’s a lot I
don’t understand.”

“Life
is all about not understanding things I guess. And then figuring it all out as
we get older.”

“I
guess. It still doesn’t make it any easier,” Jenna said.

Carina
came back with their drinks. “Do you guys know what you want?” She placed her
hand on Clay's shoulder.

“Oh,
wow, I haven’t even looked at the menu yet,” Jenna said.

“Do
you want me to order for you?” Clay asked.

“You
know what’s good?” Jenna asked.

Carina
piped in, “Oh honey, do you have to ask – everything’s good! Plus, Clay's in
here all the time. He'll choose right for you.”

Clay
ordered egg-white frittatas with veggies for the both of them and a fruit plate
for them to share. “And two buttermilk spice muffins while we’re waiting please?”

“Good
God Clay, we’re going to eat all of that?” Jenna asked.

“Oh,
yes we are,” he said, “And you’re going to love every bit of it.”

Jenna
laughed, and Carina said, “I’ll be back with those muffins in a few.”

“Thanks
Carina,” Clay said.

Jenna
reached for her iced tea and took a sip. “That’s good, really good.”

“Yeah,
Carina infuses it with blackberries from out back on the property. Picks them
in the summer and freezes them so she has them year-round. The best stuff.”

They
were quiet for a few and then, out of habit, Jenna began tracing her tattoo.
Clay noticed immediately.

“So,
that’s supposed to be your forever, huh? You’re branded?”

Jenna
looked up, startled at having been caught touching her inner wrist and the
tattoo.

“It
might have been a mistake,” she admitted.

Clay
searched her face. “The tattoo?”

“Maybe
the whole thing.”

After
breakfast, Clay said he wanted to show Jenna the property that Carina owned.
During the summer, she opened the outdoor deck overlooking a small lake but it
was closed because of the weather. Still, Clay knew of some of the trails, and
he thought they could take a short hike before heading back toward campus.

Jenna
bought some buttermilk muffins for Courtney and Mitch and two apple scented
candles for Tish and Sadie. She promised Carina she’d be back soon and that she
would bring Courtney and Mitch along as well. She knew Courtney would go nuts
over the food, and Jenna wanted to come back and try some of the lunch
selections.

“Carina
never met a first-timer that didn’t become a regular,” Clay laughed.

Jenna
put her baked goods and the candles in her car and she and Clay started down
the frosted sunny path that led toward the forest preserve. It was the perfect
winter day to be outside and she was so glad she decided to call Clay instead
of dwelling on what Darren might have been doing.

Jenna
wrapped her scarf around her neck and zipped her coat up to the top, and Clay
reached his hand out for her as they came upon a fallen tree branch. She placed
her mittened hand in his and climbed over the tangled trees and brush that were
frozen over. When she made it over the barrier, Clay didn’t let go of her hand.

“So,
do you want to talk about things?” he asked.

“What
things?” she asked, although her heart was doing that flippy move again, the
one that started when he said he was thinking about her earlier that morning,
and continued practically every time he looked into her eyes. So she kind of
knew what ‘things’ he was talking about.

“I
don’t know,” Clay said, “Maybe the fact that I kind of like spending time with
you.”

He
stopped walking then, and turned toward Jenna, placing his hands on her
shoulders lightly. Their breath came out in icy puffs, and the sun all around
them sparkled off fallen snow, making the moment that much brighter, that much
more intense.

Jenna
didn’t know what to say, so she didn't say anything.

“I
don’t want to get in the way of you and Darren. But I don’t think that’s what
you want. Is that what you want?”