What The Heart Wants

One
 

The call came in the deepest hours of night when, if you watched out the window, you could see the sun slowly starting to break through the black sky. It was an insistent, shrill ringing that dragged her out of bed, groggy. Her mother was in the hallway, bleary-eyed in a hot pink silk robe already making her way to the land line phone that practically never rang anymore.

“Somebody better be dead,” her mother said, turning on the kitchen light and pulling the receiver off the cradle. “Hello,” she said in a clear, alert voice.

Annabelle watched her mother’s pale brown eyes go wide and a hand came up to cover her mouth and she knew, without question, that someone was indeed… dead.

Annabelle grabbed the kettle, filled it and turned on the burner then got tea cups and saucers. Viv came to sit next to her a few minutes later. “Mam is dead,” she said simply. The name had a vague sense of familiarity like when you hear the name of someone you went to grade school with- twenty years later. A long buried memory flashed of a woman with short hair and tan skin holding a bouquet of flowers.

“Mam?” she asked.

“Yes. Your great aunt Mam. From Pennsylvania. She had a heart attack a few hours ago.”

Hannah shifted in her seat, uncomfortable. “I’m sorry, Mom.”

Viv waved a hand in dismissal. “She was a bit of a recluse. Never much kept in touch with any of us. It is a shame though. She wasn’t that old.” Viv placed her cup in the sink, not having drank any of it. “We need to be present at the reading of the will. Apparently Mam left us each something.”

“Okay,” Anna said, sipping at her tea despite the swirling feeling in her stomach. Death had always been an abstract, strange and horrifying concept to her, never having lost anyone herself. And even though Mam was never anything but a blurry time-soaked memory, she felt the feeling of loss for the first time.

“Vivvy, come back to bed,” a man said from the doorway. He was naked from the waist up, mid-forties with charming salt and pepper hair. Bob or Barry or Bill. Some B-name. Anna stopped keeping track of her mothers boyfriends a decade ago.

“I’m coming Billy. There was a death in the family,” she told him, her eyes watering.

And then Billy rushed to the rescue, pulling her to his chest and murmuring in her ear before leading her away to their room. Anna looked away, uncomfortable. That was her mother, always the damsel in distress.

Anna never really learned to have much in common with her mother despite having been close all her life and currently enjoying the adult friendship that the mother-daughter relationship turns into when the latter springs into her twenties. Where Viv was vivacious, full of life and charm, and a healthy adoration of men, Annabelle was shy, reclusive, and insecure around the opposite sex.

Anna dragged herself to sleep when the sun was coming up, dreaming of heirloom salt and pepper shakers or old family photo albums.

--

The drive had been long. Viv chattered away at a conversation with little to no help from Anna. It was a talent Annabelle had always marveled at. She felt awkward in the stiff black dress Viv had picked out for her and made her wear. She had protested that they were going to a reading of a will at a lawyer’s office, not a funeral. But Viv insisted, saying it was Mam’s wish to not have any kind of service did not negate their right to wear mourning clothes.

Mr. Burke was an elderly man of frail stature and glasses entirely too large for his face. He had kind, yet distracted eyes that constantly looked like he was thinking of something else and perfectly matched the chipper light blue walls of his office.

“My deepest condolences for your loss ladies,” he said and Anna started to reconsider her notion that all lawyers were soulless vampires. “Lets get down to business then,” he announced, shuffling around some papers for a moment. “For Miss Vivian Goode,” he started, looking up to at Viv. “your aunt has left you her collection of porcelain teacups with the hopes that you will love them as much now as you once did.”

Anna handed her mother a tissue as she started to get sentimental and weepy. “She used to have me over for little tea parties before she moved away,” she explained, wiping her eyes.

Mr. Burke gave Viv a tight-lipped smile before turning to Anna. “And to my great-niece Annabelle,” Mr. Burke went on, smiling kindly at her. “I bequeath the entirety of my estate including, but not limited to, my farm, my house and all of it’s contents not otherwise dispensed of, and my car. This is sent with her fondest hopes for your continuing her legacy.”

Anna felt a hysterical laugh tickle the back of her throat. She looked over at Viv whose eyes were suddenly dry and wide. She didn’t really even know the woman. She had met her maybe once in her entire life and she was deciding to leave her everything? Was she really that much of a recluse that she never made a closer connection with anyone more suitable that she could leave the farm to? Anna didn’t even know what her great aunt’s legacy was, let alone how to continue it.

Viv recovered first, leaning forward and reaching across the desk to place her hand on Mr. Burke’s sleeve. “This is all very unexpected as you can imagine,” she said, her face at once sad and perplexed. “Annabelle is not prepared to run a business or tend a farm. I’m sure you understand. We were wondering if it was possible for you to handle the sale of the estate,” she concluded and the words were like a fist to Anna’s stomach.

It came as a blinding reminder that, despite being twenty-two and more mature in many ways of her mother twice her age... and because she had never broken out on her own and blazed her own trail that forced her mother to acknowledge her as something other than her property, she was always going to be treated like a child.

She was about to open her mouth when Mr. Burke shook his head. He placed a hand over the one Viv had on his arm. “Unfortunately Miss. Goode, Mam foresaw that possibility and placed a clause in here preventing the sale or proceeds to benefit the young Miss. Goode in the event that she chooses not to run the farm and business.”

Viv’s eyes betrayed anger for a split second before she covered it. “But Mr. Burke, she is just a child…”

“No,” Anna heard her voice break in, shocking herself and her mother. “I’m not. I’m an adult and this is my decision. And I am going to do it.” As soon as the words were out of her mouth, she felt a sweeping sickness fill her belly. She felt nerves working their way to the surface of her skin, making her feel shaky and frazzled. What was she doing? A part of her wished she could just suck the words back in, but another part was growing in strength and was excited about the possibilities.

“Annabelle Cheri Goode,” her mother broke in, making her cringe at her ridiculous middle name. “you don’t know what you are saying.”

“I do,” Anna said, her voice quieter but firm. “I do know what I am saying and I would like to give this a try. Worst case, it doesn’t work out and I come back. But I want to try. Mam wanted me to try.”

They left the office twenty minutes later. Annabelle had a manila folder filled with documents and two sets of keys. Viv walked in vicious silence, her heels pounding into the pavement with more force than necessary. As soon as they got in and closed the car doors, Viv swirled in her seat. “What the hell do you think you are doing, Annabelle?”

Anna hung her head for a moment, taking a deep breath. “I know you don’t understand Mom…”

“Damn straight I don’t. You didn’t even know the woman for God’s sake. You have no reason to continue her so-called legacy.”

“But what about mine?” Anna said. “What about my future? I am not getting anywhere here, Mom. I have worked at a coffee shop since I was I was sixteen.”

“I’ll send you to college. You could…”

“Wrack up thousands in student loans to not be able to get a job in my field. Like everyone else I know with degrees who are serving tables. The world isn’t full of the opportunities it used to be. So why shouldn’t I at least try to take the opportunity that Mam has given me? Maybe I could be successful. And if not, at least I tried.”

Viv was silent for a moment. Anna could feel the rush of emotions her mother was feeling. But Viv shocked her by grabbing her hand. “Okay. I get it. I remember needing to get out from under my parents roof. And it was a hell of a lot younger than you are now. I’ll support you on this. But you can always come back, okay? No questions asked. You don’t even need to call. Don’t stick it out if you’re miserable to just save your pride.”

Annabelle smiled. Her mother knew her well.

--

She stood in front of the mirror, her velvety chocolate colored hair perfectly parted down the center and pulled into pigtail braids on either side of her delicate face. She brought the scissors up just above her collarbone, took a deep breath, looking into her green eyes for courage, and cut fifteen inches off each side.

No woman can quite explain the overwhelming urge to change their hair when going through some sort of life change, especially seeing as they almost always end up regretting it. But they always seem to continue the practice regardless.

The scissors made a swishing sound and the braids fell to the floor. Anna felt an immediate sinking feeling in her stomach and chest. It wasn’t regret exactly, but something akin. She hadn’t thought it through enough. The hair just tickling her shoulders framed her face well, making her deep green eyes look bigger. Her head felt strangely lighter and she shook her head side to side and ran her fingers through the new style to see how it felt.

Hannah glanced around her bedroom with its yellow walls now bare and childlike. It felt strange to know she would be leaving and never coming back to this place where she once held slumber parties, where she cried over a boy for the first time, where she grew up… although she had always had the private feeling that she never quite belonged.  All the same, she had never left for longer than a few days put together in all her twenty-two years.

Picking up her parakeet cage, she reminded herself that this would be an adventure, that it was time to stretch her wings, that there was nothing at all to feel completely and utterly nauseated about. She strapped the cage into the passenger seat and the bright green parakeet chirped uncertainly. “Alright, Phillip, let’s go find our new home.”

She had put in her two weeks notice at work and felt sad knowing she wouldn’t see the people whose faces she had become accustomed to for six years. Viv had in turns been furious, absolutely forbidding her to go one moment, then coming home the next day with cardboard boxes she had stolen from behind the grocery store. Anna spent a an hour or so a day, carefully packing away her entire life and placing it in her old green hatchback.

In the end, she had hugged Viv for a long time, both of them crying as she promised to call and climbed into the driver’s seat and pulled away before she changed her mind. She talked nervously to Phillip for the first hour of the drive, her nerves a pounding, palpable, continual uncomfortable feeling.

Though she had spent her entire life in New Jersey, she had only ever crossed into Pennsylvania for school field trips to the museums and zoo. And though she had a great grasp on geography, she had never truly realized how large Pennsylvania really was.

The further into the state she got, the more she second-guessed her decision. Or, at least, her lack of research and preparedness. Having spent her entire life in a rather busy suburb, her expectations had been based on her personal experiences. There had never been many farms in her area. And the ones that did exist grew only pumpkins and hosted hay rides at Halloween, or were pick-your-own apple orchards. And like the towns around them, they were always busy, packed with families looking to show their spoiled, technology-addicted children the wholesomeness of a farm. But only for a few hours before they wanted to get back to their televisions and video games.

This was entirely different. The further she drove, the fewer cars there were on the road, the more spaced out the houses got. Cultivated yards eventually gave way to long stretches of fenced greens- many with grazing horses or cows. Further still, the farms transitioned from animals to crops. Many fields had their plots overturned, rich brown dirt exposed and smelled quite strongly of manure. Some were ahead of the season, their fields sprouting with sturdy little seedlings, hoping for steadily warm weather and a healthy dealing of rain.

She was over four hours into her drive when the soothing female voice of her GPS announced she was entering Stars Landing. Anna sighed thankfully. She knew from her research that Mam’s farm was situated on the outskirts of Star’s Landing. She was almost there.

Driving into the town center, Annabelle had the amusing realization that in the boonies… they seemed to use the word “town” generously. Parallel on either side of the road, small shops were situated, some connected in long stretches before giving way to independent establishments. She immediately noticed a bookstore with comfortable looking sofas visible through the large front bay window, connected to a market with wooden stands out front overflowing with juicy-looking peaches. A quaint looking diner with window boxes overflowing with happy yellow daffodils was next to an ancient looking hardware store. Down the road a bit she saw a gas station with a mechanic shop in the same lot. Most of the shops escaped her notice though she would swear she saw the words “Town Psychic” out of the corner of her eye. She immediately dismissed the idea, blaming her road-tired eyes. A small town like this seemed more the place to find devout church-goers than people wishing to have their cards read.