What to Expect the First Year (101 page)
Read What to Expect the First Year Online
Authors: Heidi Murkoff
Let's face itâbeing a parent isn't easy, and there are some days when it's really, really hard: the days when you're beat, you're drained, when your little one is testing every reserve of self-control you have, and you're edging closer and closer to the breaking point. You feel like you might snap ⦠and maybe, you have that impulse to spank. The impulse is a normal one, only natural when you consider that you're only human (as is your baby). And it's especially natural if spanking was used for discipline by your parents when you were growing up (didn't you grow up just fine?). Spanking is, after all, a time-honored disciplinary tradition, passed from generation to generation in many families.
But nearly all experts agree: It's time to retire spanking for good. Hitting a child (spanking, slapping, or otherwise lashing out physically) is, research shows, an ineffective way to discipline. For one thing, it sets an example of aggression most parents wouldn't want their little ones to follow. Numerous studies show that children who are spanked are more likely to use physical force against peers, and later against their own children. Another strike against spanking: It represents the abuse of power by a very large, strong party (or bully) against a very small, comparatively weak oneâdefinitely behavior you don't want modeled on the playground later on. Finally, spanking may discourage a child from repeating a misdeed, but compliance comes from fear of another spanking, not from the development of self-disciplineâwhich after all, is the ultimate goal. Unless you plan to follow your little one around for life, he or she will have to learn the difference between “right” behavior and “wrong” behavior, not just the difference between behaviors that result in spanking and those that don't.
The most important reason not to spank or otherwise strike: It can hurt your baby. Physically, it's just too easy to cross the line from a swat or a slap to something more harmful. Emotionally, spanking can take a toll, too, shaking a little one's sense of security and sometimes eroding the bond between a parent and child. Can a child grow up happy, healthy, and well adjusted despite a few spankings? Absolutelyâbut with such a compelling case against spanking, why go there at all?
The best policy: Make no-spanking the policy in your homeâeven on those especially hard days (and there will be many more ahead to test you). For best results, use other, more effective, and less risky discipline strategies.
And the same goes, even more emphatically, for shaking a baby. Many parents who would never consider hitting don't think twice about shaking, especially in the heat of the moment. But shaking a baby is extremely dangerous and could cause serious injury to eyes and/or brain, or even death. So never, ever shake a baby.
Can't imagine where to start when it comes to choosing discipline strategies for a baby who's not even old enough to understand the rules, never mind follow them? Keep it direct, simple, and easy to follow through on:
Catch your child doing good.
By calling attention to good behavior, you'll be asking for more. So comment about the nice way your baby turned the pages in a book (instead of trying to tear them), say thank you when your baby hands you a toy to put back on the shelf, offer praise when he plays quietly with a stacking toy while you sort the laundry, applaud all efforts to put shredded cheese into her mouth instead of strewing it on the floor.
Make the discipline fit.
When your baby pulls all the books off the bookshelves, have him or her hand you each one to help you put them back. If your baby throws blocks around, take them away for now. If your baby bites your arm, put him or her down promptly, firmly saying, “No biting. Daddy can't hold you when you bite.”
Divert attention.
For most babies, especially young ones, what's out of sight is quickly out of mindâmaking distraction an especially smart discipline strategy now. She's throwing a fit on the way to the park? Divert her (fortunately limited) attention to two squirrels playing on a tree. He's banging a block against your painted pine dining set? Pull out a toy that won't chip the chairs, like a stuffed dog. With distraction, everyone wins.
Use your serious voice.
When you're telling your baby no, tone matters. Mean what you say, without being mean. Bring down your usually high-pitched, singsong, playful, baby-friendly voice an octave or two to get your little one's attention and to let him or her know that you're all businessâand the adult in the room. Be firm but matter-of-factâscreaming can scare your baby, and too much screaming can eventually be tuned out.
Laugh it off ⦠sometimes.
Humor can actually work wonders under certain circumstancesâand it's a discipline strategy that can be used to defuse countless potentially explosive scenarios. Use it liberally in situations that would otherwise lead you to exasperation, for instance, when baby refuses to allow you to put a snowsuit on. Instead of doing battle over screeches of protest, head off the struggle with some unexpected silliness. Suggest, say, that you put the snowsuit on the dog (or on yourself), and then pretend to do so. The incongruity of what you're proposing will probably take your baby's mind off objections long enough for you to get him or her suited up. That sticky face needs a cleanup, but just spying the washcloth is a nonstarter? Win baby over with funny songs (“This is the way we wash the face, wash the face ⦔) or outlandish play-by-play commentary (“Here comes the cleanup monster” as the washcloth swoops down and “gobbles” the jelly-smeared cheeks) or make goofy faces in the mirror to distract from the dastardly deed. Just make sure you don't laugh when the situation demands a serious approach.
Sometimes, anger can get the best of even the most loving parent. But if you feel you can't control your anger and that losing control leads to hitting or shaking, if one slap leads to another, if the slap is hard enough to leave a mark on your child or aims for the face, ears, or head, or if you strike out under the influence of alcohol or drugs, you should talk about your feelings and actions with your child's doctor, a family therapist, or another helping professional, or talk to someone at Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline (1-800-4-A-CHILD) as soon as possible. Though you may not have seriously hurt your child yet, the potential for physical or emotional damage is there. Now is the time to get some professional help, before an angry outburst leads to something more seriousâeven if that something serious isn't physical but verbal abuse.
If your spouse shows issues with anger and aggression, or if you feel he or she has the potential to do harm to your baby, physically or emotionally, he or she also needs help from a professional. Call for that help now.
The Eleventh Month
You may have a Baby Houdini on your hands this month, whose major preoccupations are getting into things he or she shouldn't be getting into and getting out of things he or she shouldn't be getting out of. There's no shelf too high and no cabinet handle too unwieldy to deter a 10-month-old baby on a mission of seek and (what seems like) destroy. Accomplished as an escape artist, baby may now try to wriggle out of diaper changes, strollers, high chairsâin other words, any confining (read: safe) situation. Along with great physical advances, which may even include first steps for a few babies in the eleventh month, come remarkable verbal strides. Not in the number of words spoken (a couple, max, if any) but in the number of words understood (as many as 20 to 50). Looking at books becomes a much more interesting and enriching experience as baby begins to recognize and possibly even point to familiar pictures. In fact, pointing (or gesturing with a few fingers, or even the whole hand) will soon become a favorite activity no matter what baby's doingâjust one way he or she is able to communicate quite capably without words.
Sleeping.
Like last month, your sweet dreamer should be clocking an average of 10 to 12 hours per night and taking two naps during the day, each around 1½ to 2 hours long, for an average total of around 14 hours each day. A few babies may start to fight their morning nap this month (probably not in their best interest). If yours does, be sure he or she is getting enough overall sleep.
Eating.
Your cutie will be taking in less breast milk and formula now that solids are figuring more prominently into his or her diet. As the first year comes to a close, baby will likely breast- or bottle-feed no more than 3 to 4 times a day, taking about 24 ounces total. More than that in fluids, and baby's appetite for solids may be drowned. Baby's breastfeeding more than 4 times a day? That's fine as long as there's also room for solids.
Baby will probably gobble up around ¼ to ½ cup each of grains, fruit, and veggies every day (or even more if your baby's a big eater), ¼ to ½ cup (or more) of dairy foods per day, ¼ to ½ cup (or more) of protein food per day, and 3 to 4 ounces of juice per day (optional). Don't worry if your baby is eating more or less than that. As long as he or she is gaining weight and is happy and healthy, there's no need to get caught up in measurements.
Playing.
Blocks, stacking toys, puzzles, peg boards, bead mazes, activity cubes, and other toys that encourage eye-hand coordination are perfect for your 10-month-old. Toys like baby basketball hoops and balls will do double duty in the eye-hand coordination and physical development departments (even if your cutie hasn't quite mastered the slam dunk yet). And speaking of physical development, keep the push toys and riding toys within reach to encourage your little one's get-up-and-go. Role-play toysâespecially ones that mimic mom's and dad's toys (like a play phone or keys)âwill be especially fun for your little one this month. So will musical toys: a toy keyboard, a xylophone, drums, tambourines, bells, and rhythm sticks. And don't forget to provide your budding artist with lots of crayons, washable markers, and chunky chalk for scribbling, though make sure they're nontoxic, since they're likely to end up in baby's mouth, not just on paper.
Ask most pediatricians when a baby should be weaned from the bottle, and the majority will say by the first birthdayâand definitely no later than 18 months. Ask most parents when they actually weaned their baby off the bottle, and many will say ⦠much later than that. There are lots of reasons why parents (and little ones) hang on to the bottle for longer than doctors (and dentists) recommendâreasons ranging from convenience for mom and dad, to comfort for Junior, to less mess for everyone involved. Babies who are used to falling asleep with a bottle, or to nipping from one during the night or early in the morning, and parents who are used to buying themselves a good night's sleep or a later wake-up call, don't tend to be in a hurry to drop the bottle either. Add in the dreaded withdrawal process (rare is the tot who gives up the bottle without a fight ⦠make that, many fights), and it's no wonder there are plenty of 2- and 3-year-olds who still haven't kicked the bottle habit.
But here's the message about bottles most experts would like parents to pay attention to: Weaning at 12 monthsâor as soon as possible after the first birthdayâis best for your baby. And there's no shortage of reasons why. First of all, as with many other attachment objects of babyhood (such as a pacifier, being rocked to sleep, and so on), old habits die hard. And the older the habits (and the baby) are, the harder they are to break. Weaning a fairly flexible 1-year-old is like taking candy from a baby compared to tussling with a strong-willed 2-year-old over the beloved bottleâespecially at naptime and bedtime.
Second, when an older baby uses a bottle, he or she runs the risk of developing tooth decay from bottle-feeding, and not only because there are now teeth to decay. While an infant is usually fed in a parent's armsâand the bottle removed when the feeding endsâa mobile toddler often totes the bottle wherever he or she goes. This drinking-on-the-go and nipping-all-day-long allows the milk or juice to bathe teeth in sugar, with cavities the potential result. So does falling asleep with a bottle, nipping during the night, or falling back to sleep in the early morning hours with a bottle in hand. Another health risk tots over 12 months run when they take a bottle to bed (or otherwise drink one lying down): a greater susceptibility to ear infections.
Third, toddlers who are bottle drinkers often end up drinking more juice or milk than they should, filling up on too many liquids and taking in too few solids. Not only are these toddlers more likely to become fussy eaters (not surprising, since their tummies are always full of juice and milk), but they may miss out on important nutrients. If their bottles are filled with juiceâparticularly apple juiceâthey can also wind up with chronic diarrhea.
