What to Expect the Toddler Years (128 page)

Occasionally, team your imaginations. Although it’s usually best
not
to interfere when a toddler’s playing well by him or herself, don’t hesitate to suggest joining imaginative forces when your child seems receptive. Be a big train and a little caboose, a grown cat and a baby kitten, a horse and a rider, a doctor and a patient. Play house, farm, hospital, Dumbo, Pinocchio, or whatever—but always let your toddler decide the course you take.

Supply the props. Though imagination comes from within the mind, it may be stimulated from without. Select toys and playthings from the lists on pages 56 and 330 and the box that begins on page 366.

One caution:
Children who consistently live in a fantasy world or who reenact the same fantasy over and over to the exclusion of other play may need some help. Consult your child’s doctor about this “imaginary” problem.

Acouple of generations ago, gender roles were as clearly defined in most homes as they were on
Father Knows Best
and
Leave It to Beaver.
There were mothers, who wore aprons, wielded a dust cloth and a vacuum cleaner (sometimes simultaneously), and made sure their families had full stomachs and matching socks. And there were fathers, who wore suits and ties or overalls, carried a briefcase or toolbox, and made sure their families had roofs over their heads and enough bacon for Mom to cook up with the eggs every morning.

Today, the picture’s not as clear. On television, and in homes, traditional roles are no longer the norm. They’ve given way to a potpourri of different, but acceptable, scenarios: Mom works at home, Dad works outside the home; Dad works at home, Mom works outside the home; Mom and Dad both work at home; Mom and Dad both work outside
the home; or, in a great many cases, Mom and Dad don’t live in the same home, Dad’s not in the picture at all, or there are two moms (or dads) instead of a mom and a dad.

Yet, although many of the stereotypes that were popular in the sitcoms of the fifties and sixties have been shattered, the remnants linger in many homes. While Mom may work as many hours as Dad outside the home, she may still do the Mrs.-Cleaver’s-share of the housework. While both parents may have limited leisure time outside work, Mom may spend more of it cooking, doing laundry and dishes, driving, and providing child care. And if she’s a single mom, she may have no time to herself at all.

To be sure, there are homes where gender roles have been completely overhauled with equality in mind—where fathers spend just as much of their free time changing diapers, reading bedtime stories, loading the washing machine, and cleaning the toilet as mothers do, regardless of who works outside the home. But even if you’ve come a long way, Mom and Dad—and especially if you haven’t come quite as far as you feel you should—passing on an egalitarian view of gender roles to your children still poses quite a challenge. To meet this challenge, take some very specific steps:

Set an equal example.
Making a conscious effort to divide housework and parenting equitably (taking into account what each partner does best) will leave a lasting impression on your child. But in your attempt to raise your child without gender-based stereotypes, be careful not to try and erase in his or her mind the differences between the sexes. Men and women
are
different—in many wonderful ways—and that’s to be celebrated.

Nurture nurturing.
You don’t have to be a mommy to offer a shoulder to cry on or a lap to snuggle in—any more than you have to be a daddy to roughhouse or teach kickball. And you don’t have to be a little girl to enjoy a good cry or a snuggle, either. Encourage sons as well as daughters to hold the bottle for the baby or offer a toy to a tearful playmate. Children who grow up seeing that both men and women are nurturing have a far better chance of becoming nurturing parents themselves—whether they’re girls or boys. Allowing little boys to express their feelings, rather than urging them to “tough it out,” will help them to grow into caring, sensitive men—and caring, sensitive spouses and fathers (see page 224).

Praise courage and strength.
Cheer girls and boys equally when they get to the top of the monkey bars, catch a ball, or go on the merry-go-round. Don’t hesitate to play rough with your little girl, as long as she enjoys it. By the same token, avoid such play with a little boy, if he doesn’t.

Take the gender taboos out of toys.
No toy should be considered inappropriate because of traditional sexual stereotypes; girls who want to play with balls, blocks, and trucks should be allowed do so, as should boys who want to play “house” with dolls or teddies. At the same time, don’t push a toy on a child (or deny a toy) in an effort to break traditional sexual stereotypes. Boys who favor trucks shouldn’t be coerced into playing with dolls; girls who favor dolls shouldn’t be pressured to play with trucks (see page 221).

Look for equality in books.
Try to find storybooks in which both men and women are doctors, engineers, scientists, teachers, and construction workers, and in which daddies and mommies participate fully in parenting and household work. But don’t be too zealous about screening stories for sexual stereotypes; your child stands to lose out on some of the world’s greatest literature if you do.

Open your toddler’s options.
Help your toddler to grow up feeling there’s nothing he or she can’t do—that everyone can aspire to the vocation of their dreams. Let them know, too, that being a doctor or a firefighter or an architect doesn’t preclude being a parent.

If you’re a woman raising a toddler on your own, providing positive male role models will obviously be more difficult. Besides looking for fictional examples of nurturing males in the books you read together, it’s also a good idea to try to find a real, live, loving, and caring male role model for your toddler to spend time with. Whether this person is a friend, a relative, or a teacher, spending time with him will make an enormous difference in your toddler’s perception of males. The same, of course, in reverse, would hold true for a father raising a toddler without a mother in the home. For more on raising a child on your own, see page 788.

By 2
¹
/
₂
years,
*
your toddler . . . should be able to (see
Note
):

identify 1 picture by naming

put on an article of clothing

jump up

name 6 body parts

identify 4 pictures by pointing

Note:
If your toddler has not reached these milestones, consult the doctor or nurse-practitioner. This rate of development may well be normal for your child (some children are late bloomers), but it needs to be evaluated. Also check with the doctor if your toddler seems out-of-control or hyperactive; highly demanding, stubborn, negative; overly withdrawn, passive, uncommunicative; sad, joyless; unable to interact with others. By this age, children who were born prematurely have usually caught up to their peers.