What to Expect the Toddler Years (278 page)

Give it to your toddler straight—but simply. Honesty is always the best policy when it comes to giving a toddler answers to life’s tough questions, but it’s an especially good policy now. Explain the separation to your toddler before it actually happens, and before he hears it from someone else or begins to sense that something is horribly wrong (because everyone is whispering, crying, or shouting). Sit down as a family, if possible, and tell your toddler, in words that he can understand, that “Mommy and Daddy aren’t happy together. We keep fighting all the time and just can’t stop. We think it will be better if Daddy and Mommy don’t live in the same house. We can take better care of you that way.”

Make it clear that Daddy will still be Daddy, and that your toddler will still see him—just that he’ll be living somewhere else (assuming you’re the one with custody). Avoid saying “Daddy’s going away” or “Daddy’s leaving,” which may make your toddler fear that each time
you
leave the house, you may not come home, either. (See the next question for help in a family where the departing spouse won’t be around.)

Don’t toss the term “divorce” around casually. Most toddlers have no idea what it means, and may envision it as even worse than it is. And don’t be specific about the disagreements that have led up to it; the details could be very upsetting to a toddler.

Expect confusion. Your toddler may not react at all at first because he doesn’t really understand what you’re saying. It may not be until
after
the changes actually occur that this will all begin to register for him. That’s when he may start to ask questions. Provide the answers he needs and use his questions as springboards for more discussion about both the facts and his feelings.

Let him see that he’s not alone. Reading your toddler books on divorce written for very young children will show him that there are other children in the same situation. So may taking him to a support group for young children going through divorce.

Let him know that he’s still loved by both of you. Seeing that your love for each other ended may make your toddler
worry that you could stop loving him, too. He needs reassurance from both parents that your feelings for him haven’t changed and never will—and that you won’t abandon him (if one parent abandons the family, see page 796).

Honor promises and stick to agreed-upon schedules—if not for each other, then for your child, who needs to know that he can trust his parents. But make exceptions when it’s in your toddler’s best interest (one parent might give up a visitation so that the child can attend a special family event with the other parent, for example, then get a make-up visit). Don’t make exceptions or threaten your child when he misbehaves (“If you don’t behave you can’t see Daddy”). Seeing a parent should be an unconditional right.

Ease the time warp. Toddlers don’t see time the way adults do. Waiting until Saturday to see Daddy can seem like waiting a lifetime. So try to schedule frequent visits with the noncustodial parent, at least at first, and make the waiting time more tangible, for example, by counting the days on a large wall calendar with special stickers affixed on visiting days.

Stick to the same old same old. Familiar rituals and routines provide a sense of order and control at a time when a child feels helpless and out of control. Keep as many of the traditions your toddler has come to know—from cuddling in bed Sunday morning to reading
Goodnight Moon
before bedtime to Tuesday is pizza night—intact and unaltered. Discuss with your former spouse the importance of keeping with tradition at his new place, too, so that there will be as much continuity as possible when your toddler starts moving back and forth between homes. It will also make it easier for the child if you can replicate his belongings in Dad’s home (the bed, the linens, the booster seat, and so on) as much as is practical.

Exorcise any feelings of guilt. The first reaction of many children, particularly naturally self-centered toddlers, to divorce is “What did I do to make this happen?” It’s important to make it very clear to your child that he is not responsible for what is happening, that nothing he did made it come to pass—and that nothing he can do will change things back to the way they were.

Deal with denial. Some children go through a period of denial. They pretend that their parents’ split-up really isn’t happening, that Mommy and Daddy really love each other and will get back together. Respond with sensitivity to this denial, telling your toddler that you understand his feeling that way—and that he can pretend if he wants to—but that pretending won’t make it so.

Don’t thrust your toddler into the new. If he’s never spent a lot of time with his father, don’t suddenly send him off to live with Daddy part of the time; long stretches away from the primary parent should be avoided at first. The process of moving toward overnight visitations or joint custody should build gradually, starting with short periods alone with Daddy, then extended periods during the day (some of this time spent at Daddy’s home), then finally, a trial overnight. The child doesn’t have to sleep in the noncustodial parent’s home to be close to him; they can spend time in the evenings and then return to separate homes. When it’s time for overnights to begin, they should last no more than one or two days at first.