What to Expect the Toddler Years (39 page)

“My son has always loved his bath, and he isn’t afraid of water at all. So I can’t understand why he’s suddenly refusing to get into the tub.”

As you’ve probably already noticed, refusals of every kind are big in the second year. A toddler may refuse to eat, refuse to wear a coat, refuse to go outside, refuse to come back in—simply for refusal’s sake, without apparent rhyme or reason. Of course, the reason is his struggle for independence. The following tips may help get your toddler back in the tub—or, at least, help you find other ways to clean up his act:

Rescind your restraining order.
If you’ve been using a safety seat in the bathtub, it may be his curtailed movement, and not the tub itself, that your toddler objects to. Giving him free run (or wiggle and splash) of the tub may complicate bath time, but it may also put an end to his resistance. Make sure his newfound freedom doesn’t jeopardize his safety, however, by observing the tips on page 643.

Bring on the bubbles.
And the nontoxic soap foam or soap crayons (though make sure you use a non-irritating soap, especially if your toddler is female, since girls are more susceptible to vaginal or urinary-tract irritation. Using a liquid baby bath to make bubbles is probably the safest way to go.) Throw in the fleet of plastic boats as well as the funnels and cups or any other waterproof diversion you can come up with. Let the toys and fun—and not the washing—be the focus of tub experience. Instead of announcing bath time with, “Time to get in the tub,” announce it with, “Look at all these bubbles! How are these boats going to get through?” or “Would you like me to paint tiger stripes on you with this funny soap?”

Schedule a change.
If bath time comes at an unexpected hour, rather than at the accustomed battle time, it’s possible that your toddler’s surprise may ease his opposition. Admittedly, a change in schedule may mean that your child won’t be getting clean when he’s his dirtiest (if bath has been switched to mid morning instead of after dinner, for instance), but in the short run that’s better than not getting clean at all. Until he becomes more amenable to bathing and bath time can return to a more sensible time slot, a quick session with a washcloth on the more glaringly grimy areas can get him passably clean before he gets into his pajamas.

Try a little togetherness.
The rub-a-dub-dub may be more appealing if there’s more than one in the tub. Mommy or Daddy make perfect tubfellows; if being nude around your toddler makes you uncomfortable, don a bathing suit. (It’s important to remember that small children won’t—and can’t—tolerate the kind of water temperature adults prefer, so don’t crank up the heat for your own comfort.) An older sibling or a friend on a play date make ideal bathmates, too (prior parental permission suggested). A companion’s enthusiasm for bath time might “spill over” to your toddler.

Hit the showers.
If it’s being in the tub that distresses your toddler, let him accompany you in the shower instead.
Wearing a shampoo visor (see page 154) will help keep the water out of his eyes and make the overhead stream less threatening. Adjusting the water-flow rate to gentle, if that’s possible, will also help, as may holding your toddler until he feels confident enough to stand under the shower on his own. A rousing round of “It’s raining, it’s pouring” can provide a playful note. As with tub water, shower water should be warm, rather than hot, for toddlers.

Throw in the towel.
If all your efforts fail to persuade your toddler to get into the tub, don’t resort to force—the trauma of which could instill in him a long-lasting antipathy toward bathing. Give up on the bath for the time being, and switch to sponge baths temporarily—using a washcloth, not a sponge (which could pose a choking hazard.)

Occasionally, a child’s fear of the tub is rooted in an event—he slipped and banged his head, he got water in his eyes, he urinated into the water and your reaction (or the incident itself) confused and/or frightened him. If you can pinpoint the source of your child’s aversion to baths, try to talk to him about the matter, letting him know that you really understand how he feels. And give him a chance to work out his feelings before trying to get him to go back into the tub.

“We started toilet training our daughter at twelve months because she seemed ready. She was cooperative and somewhat successful for over two months, but suddenly she seems to be rebelling. Now she won’t go anywhere near the potty and we feel frustrated.”

At twelve months, the novelty of using a toilet, teamed with your fledgling toddler’s still relatively easygoing nature, made her potty putty in your hands. But that was then, and this is now. Now the novelty’s over—toileting is no longer a lark she enjoys voluntarily, but a chore she’s being pressured into performing. Over too, alas, is the golden age of agreeableness. Instead of being eager to please, your toddler may now be out to displease. It may also be that you were the one who was trained in the first place. You put her on the potty after meals, the minute she squatted or grunted, or when she awoke after a nap. Now she’s not as willing to be manipulated.

Trying to control your daughter at an age when she’s programmed to resist control is bound to result in failure and frustration for both of you. Coercion won’t yield a potty-proficient child any sooner than a laissez-faire attitude will—in fact, coercion could lead to constipation, if your toddler begins to rebelliously withhold the source of conflict in order to retain control of the situation.

Instead of showing concern over her lapsed bathroom skills, accept that toilet learning was initiated prematurely. Drop the matter entirely for now—without even a whisper of parental grumbling. Continue to remind your child about the concept of using the toilet by pointing out that you (and other family members and friends) go on the potty; letting her join you in the bathroom (“See, Mommy is making . . .” and use any term you and your family are comfortable with to describe this biological function, for example, urinate, sissy, pee-pee, number one); occasionally pointing out to her “big” children who don’t wear diapers (without telling her that she’s a baby for wearing them); and by reminding her cheerfully that when she’s a big girl, she won’t wear diapers, either. Continue to keep her potty-chair available. If she
asks to use it, then by all means let her; if she doesn’t, wait until she’s good and ready—which could be months from now, or a year, or even longer.

“Every time my daughter soils her diaper, she tells me and wants to be changed right away. Does that mean she’s ready to be toilet trained?”

Just because your toddler tells you that she needs her diaper changed doesn’t mean she’s saying she’s ready for toilet learning. Indicating that she’s wet or has dirtied her pants is one of the signs of toilet-learning readiness, but it isn’t the only one. And for toilet learning to be successful, all systems should be “go” (so to speak). See
Chapter Nineteen
for a complete guide to teaching your toddler to stay clean and dry.

“I’d like to encourage my daughter to look at books, but all she seems interested in is chewing on them or ripping out the pages.”

Nobody devours literature or tears through a pile of books or magazines like a toddler. Unfortunately, such behavior is usually spurred on not by a love of words but by a taste for paper or a fascination for ripping. At this age, few children are developmentally ready to sit still for any length of time and quietly appreciate the text and pictures in a book.

However, you should try to take advantage of
any
spark of interest your child shows in books (even nibbling and shredding) and try to fan it into a burning love of literature. To protect the books in your home from destruction while you nurture that fire in your toddler, try these tips:

Invest in the indestructible.
Sturdy “board” books can withstand almost any assault by teeth, gums, or saliva—and are easy for little fingers to flip through. Keeping a large selection of colorful age-appropriate board books within easy reach will invite your toddler to peruse them frequently—and may discourage her search-and-destroy missions in your own library.

Shelve the destructible.
On a high shelf. Or wedge those books (or magazines), which might fall prey to curious hands and eager mouths, so tightly into bookshelves that your toddler can’t pry them loose. But don’t make any reading material (with the exception of rare first editions, antiques, and delicate art books) completely off-limits; let your toddler examine and touch your books under supervision.

Stop destruction consistently.
Allowing your toddler to shred some magazines and newspapers (for instance, those you’ve read) but not others sends a confusing message. Since a child this young can’t possibly distinguish between reading matter that’s ready for recycling and reading material that’s hot off the presses, don’t permit the ripping of either. Be particularly careful not to allow your child to nibble on newspapers or magazines; the print can be toxic.

Redirect interest to the printed page.
You don’t want to give your toddler the impression that reading material is a “no-no,” just that tearing and eating it is. When you catch her in the act of destruction, don’t scold her. Instead, entreat, “Please don’t hurt the book (or magazine).” Then ask, “Would you like to look at it with me?” Sit down with her
and point to and identify a few of the pictures in the book. Read a few sentences to her out loud. If the text is over her head, simplify the words as you read or take the opportunity to bring out a book that’s more age-appropriate.

Redirect the destructive instinct.
If your toddler’s interest in the books she’s manhandling is definitely not literary, try moving on to an activity that might approximate the satisfaction she gets from ripping (such as sorting the dirty clothes, sliding a zipper up and down, or opening and closing a Velcro closure on an old diaper cover). Or if she’s been chewing on the book, ask if she’s hungry. Perhaps it’s just a snack she’s after.

For ways of stimulating a lifelong interest in reading in your child, see page 101.

“Since our daughter discovered how to climb, nothing seems safe—even those things we’d tucked away on high shelves and tables.”

Your toddler’s moving up in the world. As a crawling baby, most of her discoveries were made close to the ground. Pulling up, and then walking, expanded her world vertically by 2 or 3 feet. Now that she’s mastered climbing, the sky (or, at least, the ceiling) is the limit. Take a little ingenuity, add to that your toddler’s stacking skills, and almost everything and anything is within her curious reach. Which is gratifying for your toddler, but, understandably, terrifying for you. Nothing is safe anymore—least of all, your toddler.

Toddler Parenting Rule #1: Nothing is safe—even if it’s on a high shelf. Creative climbing can put nearly anything at nearly any height within a toddler’s reach.

You can’t keep a toddler from climbing, nor should you try. As with any newly chalked up skill, she wants to, and should be allowed to, practice it to perfection. But she’s got to learn that she can’t practice anywhere she likes, that climbing can only take place in safe surroundings and under close supervision. An outdoor play gym is ideal for climbing. So are the scaled-down indoor varieties. Makeshift mountains are more risky, but since you won’t be able to ban them entirely, make them as safe as possible. If your toddler likes to climb on chairs, for example, be sure that the rickety ones are put away for the time being. If your toddler is attracted to the kitchen step stool, move it from the hard kitchen
floor to the living room carpet when she wants to climb. If she likes to pile up books from lower shelves to get to books on the upper ones, or to climb onto the bathroom vanity to wash her hands, get her a small, stable step stool of her own. Show her how much steadier it is than the stack of books. Scan your home for climbing situations that might be dangerous (an open shelf that could give her a foot up to the stove, for instance, or a table or bookcase that might topple when scaled), and try making them less hazardous. But don’t expect to be able to anticipate every possible problem climbing scenario. To protect your little mountaineer, make sure she is always closely supervised. And no matter what she’s climbing on, stand by ready to catch her in case she loses her footing.

“I’m concerned that our daughter’s going to need braces because her teeth aren’t coming in straight.”

No need to start saving up for the orthodontist yet. Your daughter has years of getting and losing teeth ahead of her before it can be determined whether or not she will need braces.