What to expect when you're expecting (188 page)

Consider taking off. Start looking into your company’s paternity-leave policy. This way, you’ll be sure not to be left out of all the fun after the baby is born.

“Ever since my wife’s became pregnant, she’s been really oversexed. Is that normal (not that I’m complaining)? Is it safe to have sex so often?”

The rumors are true: Some women really can’t get enough when they’re expecting. And for good reason. Your wife’s genitals are swollen with hormones and blood now that she’s pregnant, leaving the nerves down below set on tingle mode. Other parts are swollen, too (you might have noticed), including places (such as those breasts and hips) that can make a woman feel more womanly than ever—and more sensually charged. All of which is normal (as is feeling less in the mood, which many women feel, too)—safe, also, as long as the practitioner has given the sex go-ahead.

Expectant Sex Explained

Sure, you’ve done it before. But have you done it pregnancy-style? Though the basic rules of the game apply when you’re expecting, you’ll find that pregnant sex requires a few adjustments, a little finessing, and a lot of flexibility—literally. Here are some suggestions to get you going in the right direction:

Wait for the green light. She was hot to trot yesterday, but today she’s cold as ice to your advances? As a pregnant woman’s moods swing, so does her sex drive. You’ll have to learn to swing along (and to hold on tight).

Warm her up before you start your own engine. This may go without saying (always), but it’s a must when she’s expecting. Go as slowly as she needs you to, making sure she’s fully charged on foreplay before you hit the road.

Stop for directions. The road map of what feels good and what doesn’t may have changed (even since last week), so don’t rely on possibly outdated directions. Always ask before going in. You may need to tread especially lightly when it comes to those supersize breasts. Though they may have swelled to heart-quickening proportions, they can be tender to even the gentlest touch, especially in the first trimester. Which means you may have to look but not touch for a while.

Put her in the driver’s seat. Choose positions with her comfort in mind. A top pregnancy favorite is her on top, since she can control penetration best this way. Another is her facing away on her side (spooning each other). And when her belly starts getting between you, get around it creatively: Try it from behind with her on her knees or sitting on your lap while you lie down.

Be prepared for rerouting. All roads aren’t leading to intercourse? Find alternate paths to pleasure that you both can enjoy—masturbation, oral sex, two-way massage.

So be there for the taking whenever she’s in the mood to grab you. Feel lucky that you’re getting lucky so often. But always take your cues from her, especially now. Proceed with seduction if she’s up for it and into it, but don’t go without the green light.

Though some women are in the mood throughout their nine months, others find that the party doesn’t get started until the second trimester; still others find desire spikes in the second, only to dip in the third. So be ready to roll with her changing sexual agenda when she goes from turned on to turned off in 60 seconds (frustrating, possibly, but completely normal). Keep in mind, too, that there will be some logistical challenges in mid- to late pregnancy as her body goes from two-seater to semi.

“I find my wife incredibly sexy now. But she hasn’t been in the mood since the day we found out we were pregnant.”

Even couples who have always been in sexual sync can find themselves suddenly out of step in the sack once they’re expecting. That’s because so many factors, both physical and emotional, can affect sexual desire, pleasure, and performance during pregnancy. Your libido may be getting a lift just from liking what you see; many men find the roundness, fullness, and ripeness of the pregnant form surprisingly sensual, even extra erotic. Or your lust may be fueled by affection; the fact that you’re expecting a baby together may have deepened your already strong feelings for your wife, arousing even greater passions.

But just as your sexual overdrive is both understandable and normal, so is her decreased drive. It could be that pregnancy symptoms have leveled her libido (it’s not so easy to lose yourself in the moment when you’re busy losing your lunch, or to get hot when you’re bothered by backache and swollen ankles, or to get it on when you barely have the energy to get up), particularly in those uncomfortable first and third trimesters. Or that she’s as turned off by her new roundness as you are turned on by it (what you see as a sexy round bottom, she may see as a big fat ass). Or that she’s preoccupied with all things baby and/or having a hard time blending the roles of mother and lover.

When she’s not in the mood (even if she’s
never
in the mood), don’t take it personally. Try, try, again another time, but always be a good sport while you’re waiting for your ship to come in. Accept those “not now’s” and those “don’t touch there’s” with an understanding smile and a hug that lets her know you love her even when you can’t show it the way you’d like to. Remember, she’s got a lot going on in her mind (and in her body) right now, and it’s a safe bet that your sexual needs aren’t front and center on her plate.

There’s definitely a possibility that your patience will pay off, most likely in the second trimester, when some women get their sexual groove back. Even if your sex life doesn’t perk up then or if it drops off again in the third trimester (because of an increase in her fatigue or back pain or because of that growing basketball belly) or in the postpartum period (when neither one of you is likely to be much in the mood), don’t worry. Nurturing the other aspects of your relationship (making that love connection without actually making love) will ensure that you’ll eventually be able to pick up where you left off sexually.

In the meantime, don’t push your sexual agenda, but do step up the romance, communication, and cuddling. Not only will these bring you closer together, but because they’re powerful aphrodisiacs for many women, they may just bring you what you’re craving. When one thing does lead to another, make sure you proceed with care and caution (see box,
page 477
)

And don’t forget to tell your partner—often—how sexy and attractive you find the pregnant her. Women may be intuitive, but they’re not mind readers.

“Now that we’re expecting, I just don’t seem very interested in sex. Is this normal?”

Expectant fathers, like expectant mothers, can experience a wide range of reactions when it comes to their pregnancy libidos—some of them bewildering, and all of them normal. And there are plenty of good reasons why your sex drive may be in a slump now. Perhaps you and your spouse worked so conscientiously at conception that sex suddenly feels too much like hard work. Maybe you’re so focused on the baby and on becoming a dad that your sexual side is taking a backseat. Or the changes in your spouse’s body are taking some getting used to (especially because they’re an in-your-face reminder of how your life and relationship are also changing). Or fear that you’ll hurt her or your baby during sex (you won’t) has sent your mojo into hiding. Or it could be a hang-up thing—the hang-up being that you’ve never made love to a mother before (even though that mother happens to be a woman you’ve always enjoyed making love to). Or it could be the weirdness factor that’s keeping you down: Getting close to your pregnant spouse might mean getting too close for comfort to your baby during a decidedly adult activity (even though baby’s completely oblivious). The normal hormonal changes that expectant fathers experience can also slow them sexually.

Confusing these conflicted feelings even more could be miscommunication: You think she’s not interested, so you subconsciously put your urges on ice. She thinks you’re not interested, so she gives desire a cold shower.

Try to focus less on the quantity of sex in your relationship and more on the quality of the intimacy you’re sharing. Less may not be more, but it can still be fulfilling. You might even find that stepping up the other kinds of intimacy—the hand-holding, the unexpected hugs, the confiding of your feelings—might put you both more in the mood for lovemaking. Don’t be surprised, too, if your libido gets a boost once both of you have adjusted to the emotional and physical changes of pregnancy.