What Would Mr. Darcy Do? (12 page)

He smiled with relief—another false alarm. “When you would not look at me in the church, I was concerned. I am glad to know that it was groundless.”

Elizabeth laughed. “I was
trying
to pay attention to the rehearsal!”

“Whereas I myself have long since given up on paying attention to anything else when you are present!” His gaze warmed. “I recall once, last November, when you came into the library at Netherfield while I was reading there. You selected a book to read—some Renaissance poetry, if I am not mistaken—and I recall spending fully half an hour concentrating on turning the pages of my book at appropriate intervals so that you would not discover how much your presence distracted me.”

“You were quite successful, then, as I was typically oblivious to any of it!” said Elizabeth with some chagrin. “Even then, so early in our acquaintance, you had noticed me?”

“It took me very little time to notice you, but a great deal of time making an effort
not
to notice you.”

“You fought it so? When, then, did you begin to love me? I can comprehend your going on charmingly when you had once made a beginning, but what set you off in the first place?”

“I cannot fix on the hour, or the spot, or the look, or the words which laid the foundation. It is too long ago. I was in the middle before I knew I had begun. Can you name the moment when you first realized that you loved me?”

“Easily—it was in Lambton, at the inn; I had just told you of Lydia’s folly. You said you were leaving, and I assumed that you wanted to avoid any further association with me. I thought that I should never see you again, and that was when I knew that I loved you.”

“You should have known by then that you could not be rid of me so easily!”

“Please recall that I had, at that point, hardly begun to reassure myself that you still cared for me at all! I am almost afraid of asking what you thought of me, when we met at Pemberley.”

“I felt nothing but surprise at first. Well, in truth, my very first thought was that I had somehow conjured you up from thin air, since you had been very much in my mind all that day.”

“As you had been in mine, but I had the excuse of being at your home, and hearing about you from your housekeeper. But why were you thinking of me?”

He took her hand and looked at it gravely. “You would no doubt be startled, my love, to know how frequently you were in my mind then.” He paused, remembering that afternoon, and his decision to reach Pemberley a day before the remainder of the party in order to have the opportunity to privately exorcise Elizabeth’s ghost from his home. It was the first time he had been there since Kent, and he had spent so many hours imagining her by his side there that he knew his return would be a painful reminder of the fact she would never be his. Finally clearing his head from the constant refrain of
she has never been here; she never will be here
during his ride to Pemberley, and then almost the minute he dismounted, he discovered that she
was
there.

He thought with mortification of the figure he must have cut then, covered with road dust and no doubt stinking of horse. “When I came across you there I was certainly at my least presentable, not only in appearance but in my complete inability to hold a coherent conversation—and what did you think, seeing me so?”

Elizabeth colored and laughed. “I was far too preoccupied with my own embarrassment to give a thought to your position! I thought you would believe I was throwing myself in your path, and I certainly did not expect any consideration from you at all!” She paused, then added, “But I must admit I did notice how handsome you looked.”

“That, my dearest, sounded suspiciously like a provoking comment! But back to the past, before my resolve weakens, I have often wondered about the letter I wrote you—did it soon make you think better of me? Did you, on reading it, give any credit to its contents?”

“At first reading, I tried to dismiss it all as falsehood, but almost immediately I recognized the justice of some of your points, especially as regarded Wickham. I grew absolutely ashamed of myself, I, who had been so certain of my perceptions; and I bitterly regretted the accusations I had made to you. It took somewhat longer for me to admit that your role in separating Bingley from Jane, while unsupportable from my point of view, was at least capable of a different interpretation than I had given it. I had already realized, even before receiving your letter, how poorly I had treated you; that, in presenting me with the compliment of your affections, you deserved at least politeness from me.”

“Perhaps if I had been more polite and respectful toward you, that would have been true, but as it is, I deserved the full measure of your anger for my behavior that night.”

“You came in for more than your share of it, sir, since you unknowingly presented your proposal at a time when I was already fully exasperated with you. Colonel Fitzwilliam, only that afternoon, had let slip something which confirmed your role in Bingley’s decampment from Netherfield, and I was quite preoccupied with that when you arrived.”

“While I, in my abominable pride, believed you to be wishing, expecting my addresses. Can you believe my vanity?” he said with a remorseful smile, and kissed the palm of her hand.

Elizabeth laughed lightly. “I can believe it quite well, since it was not so many months until I was indeed wishing for your addresses! I have often wondered if, had I recognized your inclination earlier, I would have been able to look beyond my prejudices to find the good in you sooner.”

“Elizabeth,” Darcy said with great seriousness, “you did me the greatest of favors in refusing my first proposal. Not only did you teach me a much needed lesson about how my behavior looked to the world, but it also allowed me the very great privilege and joy of knowing that you have now accepted me out of affection, not merely for the place I could offer in society, which is why I expected your acceptance then. I would not be deprived of that for the world, my love.”

He wondered if she realized just how vulnerable he felt when he told her of his feelings and her importance to him, and he leaned over and kissed her tenderly in search of that reassurance he could find only in her touch.

She put her hand lightly to his face and said, “Since
I
 would not be deprived of
you
for the world, I must thank you for allowing us a second chance after my behavior in Kent.”

“How could I have let you go, once I saw you again?”

Their lips met again, and Elizabeth closed her eyes to further savor the exquisite sensation that ran through her. She could feel Darcy’s attempt to restrain himself, and all too soon he pulled away, leaving her still hungry for his touch. She was slightly comforted to discover that his breathing was somewhat ragged as well.

“Elizabeth, may I ask you a question?”

“You seem to have done so several times in the last few minutes, and I do not believe I have objected so far!” she teased.

He lifted a hand to cup her cheek. “You never actually answered me when I asked why you wished to move the wedding forward,” he said, his gaze intent on her.

Elizabeth felt her breath coming more quickly. “Oh, dear. How precisely am I to answer that without being provocative, Mr. Darcy?”

His eyes darkened, and he allowed his fingers to trail along the line of her jaw. “You managed to use my name perfectly well in church earlier, my love.”

“Who is being provocative now?” Elizabeth struggled to keep her voice from trembling as she involuntarily responded to his touch.

“Should I stop?” His lips caressed her neck, then moved agonizingly slowly to the tender skin below her ear. She clutched at his shoulders for support. “Elizabeth?”

She felt his need echoing her own and, hearing the plea for permission in his voice, shuddered as his arms came around her. “Do not stop,” she said huskily into his ear. “Please do not stop.”

Giving up any vestige of control, he pulled her to him, and she rejoiced in the feeling of his body against hers. She moaned his name, further kindling his need, and his mouth met hers with a fiery passion that stirred her deeply. His hands on her back encouraged her to press herself against him, and she felt every inch of her body crying out for his touch.

How long they lost themselves in each other’s arms was unclear; Elizabeth only knew that it ended too soon, and she found herself leaning against his shoulder. “So much for behaving,” she said shakily.

“So much for not being provocative!”

“What do you mean? I was quite careful not to say anything provocative!” she cried.

He laughed. “Do you not know how much you provoke me simply by being near me, looking at me, smiling at me?”

“I believe that I am being held to an impossible standard!” she teased.

“Leaving me in an impossible position, madam, which is why I favor making you my wife as soon as possible.”

She leaned back and met his eyes. Raising an eyebrow, she said, “Thursday, then?”

He smiled. “I believe that I can survive until then, given an adequate number of kisses to keep me going.”

“And what, pray tell, would be an adequate number, sir?”

He paused as if to consider, reveling in the sense of freedom and lightness that he experienced only in her arms. “I will tell you when you we get to it,” he said, suiting his actions to his words by recapturing her mouth. “But I hope you were not planning on getting home soon.”

It was resolved between them that Darcy would approach the parson regarding performing the wedding, and Elizabeth would attend to the details of the actual ceremony. The burden of this was much reduced by Mrs. Gardiner, who, as soon as she heard of the revised plan, offered her services in organizing the event. “I shall quite enjoy it, my dear, and you are making it so very simple by keeping things quite small. We need no rehearsal, as we are all
quite
in practice on weddings, and I am certain that I will need only mention the prospect to your cook, as she is still so offended that Jane’s wedding breakfast is to be held at Netherfield that I am sure she will produce a veritable feast!”

Elizabeth was all gratitude for the assistance, for she had discovered to her chagrin that her early feelings of relief after scheduling the wedding were rapidly being superseded by mounting anxiety and uneasiness, though precisely about what she was not entirely certain. She found herself becoming almost uncivil, and developed a sudden sympathy with Mrs. Bennet’s fits of nerves. She began to feel the chief advantage of the changed wedding date was that it would be done with that much sooner, and was glad to escape from company when it finally came time to retire for the evening.

It was long past midnight when she awoke in panic from a nightmare.
She was back at Hunsford with Darcy, only this time, she was the one confessing her love to him, and he was rejecting her in the strongest possible terms, stating his dislike, demeaning her very character, refusing to grant even the smallest degree of warmth. Her devastation was complete…
She pressed her hand against her mouth, tears running down her face. It was only a dream, she told herself firmly, but she continued to tremble. She was not accustomed to allowing herself to be vulnerable to the opinions of others; although she had the facility for making friends easily, she could also part with them with much of the same ease, and her wit provided an easy defense against most forms of criticism. Nothing had prepared her for the deep-seated need she felt for Darcy’s affection, and it alarmed her.

She reached for a handkerchief to dry her tears, and as she raised it to her face, discovered it to be the long-cherished one of Darcy’s, reclaimed from its exile in her father’s desk, but never returned to its rightful owner. She found herself clutching it for comfort, much as she had in the days when she was most uncertain of his regard.

Hunsford… how could she ever have justified her behavior that day? She could see now he had come to her that day with this same sense of need and vulnerability, and she had completely failed to recognize it. He had even tried to express it in his own unfortunate way by telling her the great obstacles his feelings had to overcome before he could make her his offer, but his proud words about the inferiority of her own state and her connections blinded her to anything else.

Her words came back to haunt her—
From the very beginning, from the first moment I may almost say, of my acquaintance with you, your manners impressing me with the fullest belief of your arrogance, your conceit, and your selfish disdain of the feelings of others, were such as to form the ground-work of disapprobation, on which succeeding events have built so immovable a dislike; and I had not known you a month before I felt that you were the last man in the world whom I could ever be prevailed on to marry.
She shuddered to think of the pain she must have caused him. With her newfound insight into the depths of her love for him, she recognized for the first time that, in addition to the misjudgment of him which she had long since acknowledged, she was also guilty of a great cruelty, with her only excuse being a lack of understanding for which she could no longer forgive herself.

And yet he had forgiven her, and even her pitiless words could not keep him from writing that memorable adieu in his letter the next day—
I will only add, God bless you.
He had changed his manners since then, but, as she had once noted to Wickham, he had never changed in the essentials—his fierce loyalties, his love for his family and his home, his disdain for any sort of deceit, his quick mind, his formidable standards for his own behavior.
Love is certainly a humbling experience,
she thought.
I hope it becomes easier with time.

***

“Dearly beloved, we are gathered together here in the sight of God, and in the face of this congregation, to join together this Man and this Woman in holy matrimony; which is an honorable estate, instituted of God in the time of man’s innocency, signifying unto us the mystical union that is betwixt Christ and his Church; which holy estate Christ adorned and beautified with his presence, and first miracle that he wrought, in Cana of Galilee; and is commended of Saint Paul to be honorable among all men: and therefore is not by any to be enterprised, nor taken in hand, unadvisedly, lightly, or wantonly, to satisfy men’s carnal lusts and appetites, like brute beasts that have no understanding; but reverently, discreetly, advisedly, soberly, and in the fear of God; duly considering the causes for which matrimony was ordained.”

The familiar words of the wedding service washed over Elizabeth as she stood next to Jane, who was as radiant as any bride could be. She was fully determined to enjoy the occasion, regardless of her earlier frame of mind. She tried to listen thoughtfully, contemplating her own state, but her thoughts kept slipping away. For once she could not blame Darcy for her inattentiveness, since he, for the most part, was looking at no object but the ground. A slight smile of affection came to her lips as she watched him; she knew how greatly he had been dreading standing up in front of this great crowd of people, and she took no offense at his withdrawn behavior, but only wished she could send some comfort to him from across the aisle. Even as she thought this, he raised his eyes to her.

“Wilt thou have this woman to thy wedded wife, to live together after God’s ordinance in the holy estate of matrimony? Wilt thou love her, comfort her, honor, and keep her in sickness and in health; and, forsaking all other, keep thee only unto her, so long as ye both shall live?”

Bingley’s firm response, “I will,” echoed throughout the church.

Elizabeth’s gaze remained caught by Darcy’s as Jane’s turn came.

“Wilt thou have this man to thy wedded husband, to live together after God’s ordinance in the holy estate of matrimony? Wilt thou obey him, and serve him, love, honor, and keep him in sickness and in health; and, forsaking all other, keep thee only unto him, so long as ye both shall live?”

“I will,” responded Jane in a tremulous voice.

Elizabeth’s heart skipped a beat as she thought of saying those same words the following day, and all they implied. Darcy’s steadfast gaze comforted her, reminding her he would be with her, and that their separations were coming to an end. She lost herself in contemplation of their future, nearly missing her cues in the ceremony, and was glad when she could finally take Darcy’s arm to follow Jane and Bingley from the altar.

***

“Well,” said Mrs. Bennet, as soon as the family settled themselves at Longbourn after the wedding breakfast, “what say you to the day? I think everything has passed off uncommonly well, I assure you. As for my dear Jane, I never saw her look in greater beauty.”

“It went very well indeed,” agreed Mrs. Gardiner. “It was a testament to your fine planning, Mrs. Bennet.”

Mrs. Bennet, who was in very great spirits, was not to be suppressed. “Next it shall be your turn, my dear Lizzy! We must begin our planning soon—there is so much we must do!”

Darcy glanced at Elizabeth, who was feeling uncommonly anxious about the discussion, well aware that her mother would take her news neither well nor with dignity.

“Well, we have not wished to distract you in any way from your planning from Jane’s wedding, knowing how much depended on you,” Elizabeth temporized. “We have been proceeding with our own planning in the meantime, however.”

“Without any input from me? I see no reason you could not have waited!”

Elizabeth cast a helpless look at Mrs. Gardiner. “We could not wait because we plan to marry very soon, in fact, tomorrow,” she said, bracing herself. She wished that Darcy were not present to see the mortifying explosion that was sure to come.

“Nonsense, nonsense! Lizzy, I swear you delight in vexing me! I know you must be teasing me!”

Darcy decided it was time to come to Elizabeth’s rescue. “I assure you she is doing nothing of the sort, madam. We will be married tomorrow; the plans have been set,” he said in a voice that brooked no argument. Elizabeth glanced at him gratefully.

Mrs. Bennet, who was still sufficiently in awe of her future son-in-law to be taken aback, especially when he spoke in such a manner, said weakly, “But… your trousseau, you cannot be married without your trousseau! Oh, Lord! And there are many guests to invite, and planning…”

“We want only the immediate family present, and, as we will be going to London directly after the wedding, I can address the question of a trousseau then,” Elizabeth said placatingly.

“You cannot do that after the wedding! It must be before, it must! Oh, you have no compassion for my nerves, Lizzy!” Mrs. Bennet turned to her husband, whose attention was deep in a book, and cried, “Oh! Mr. Bennet, you must help me! Lizzy wants to marry Mr. Darcy tomorrow! You must make her change her mind!”

Mr. Bennet raised his eyes from his book, and fixed them on her face with a calm unconcern which was not in the least altered by her communication. “My dear, I thought that you wanted Lizzy to marry Mr. Darcy.”

“You are trying to vex me! I do not want them to marry tomorrow!”

“Well, I cannot see why they should not. I am perfectly at leisure tomorrow.”

“Mr. Bennet! How can you allow this?”

“My dear, it would seem to me that if two young people insist on marrying in a hurry, perhaps it is best not to question too deeply. Now, madam, I shall be in my library where I may be assured of some peace.”

As Mr. Bennet retreated, Georgiana and Kitty were doing their best to stifle giggles, Mary looked disapproving, and Elizabeth was biting her lip in an attempt to disguise a smile. Darcy, less willing to be the subject of this kind of humor, especially in front of his sister, said, “Mrs. Bennet, may I speak with you privately for a moment?” He sent an amused glance to Elizabeth as he ushered her mother out of the room.

“Mrs. Bennet,” he began in a severe manner, every inch the Master of Pemberley. “I fear you may be subject to some misunderstanding on this matter. The decision on the date was mine. I am not a patient man, and your daughter has kept me waiting a very long time, and I have no intention of waiting any longer. The frank truth is that it is tomorrow or Gretna Green. Do I make myself quite clear?”

Looking most flustered, Mrs. Bennet said, “Of course, Mr. Darcy… I am sorry if I… it is only that Lizzy can be so headstrong at times, and I thought… pray forgive me, but I had assumed that you would want a more proper wedding, but you prefer this… of course, as you wish!”

With a gleam in his eye that Elizabeth would have recognized instantly, he responded, “Had your daughter seen fit to accept me last April, matters might have been arranged differently, but, as you say, she can be quite headstrong.”

Mrs. Bennet’s eyes grew wide, and she said faintly, “Last April… Lizzy… I cannot understand…”

“Well, madam, I am glad that we understand one another. Shall we return to the company?”

As Darcy held the door for her, he shot Elizabeth a triumphant look over Mrs. Bennet’s head. “Well, now that we are all in agreement, are there any other matters that must be addressed?”

Mrs. Gardiner, seeing the stunned look on her sister-in-law’s face, determined that the time had come for some soothing of nerves. “My dear Mrs. Bennet, I hope that you will not think this
too
presumptuous of me, but in my concern for the
many
demands placed on you this week, I took the liberty of speaking with your cook myself about the wedding breakfast. I know she is
most
anxious to go over the arrangements with you, and perhaps this would be a good time.” She gently steered Mrs. Bennet from the room.

Elizabeth eyed Darcy with some suspicion, but also with pride for his confident handling of her mother. “What did you say to her?”

He glanced significantly at the corner where Georgiana, Mary, and Kitty sat. “We discussed our points of view.”

Kitty whispered something in Georgiana’s ear, then, with a look which indicated she thought them both spoilsports, said, “I can tell when we are not wanted.” She swept out of the room, followed closely by the other two girls.

Mr. Gardiner also stood and made to join the exodus. “I think it must be time for me to take my leave as well, unless you want a chaperone,” he said, with a twinkle in his eye. Elizabeth, smiling, shook her head, and he departed.

She stared at Darcy expectantly. He said, “I told her that it was tomorrow or Gretna Green.”

“But that is completely ridiculous. You would never elope!”

“You know that, as do I, but I doubt your mother is sensible of it! Also, I gave her something else to worry about as a distraction.”

“What do you mean?”

He smiled teasingly. “I told her you had refused me in April. She may never forgive you.”

“I’m sure she will not!” cried Elizabeth feelingly. “It is a good thing for my safety that we will be departing tomorrow!”

“It is a good thing for my peace of mind, that much is for certain!” He took her hand and pressed a light but lingering kiss in her palm.

Elizabeth, distracted by the exquisite sensation his casual gesture produced in her, attempted to look composed, but Darcy’s observant eyes did not miss her reaction. With a slight smile, he repeated his action, then continued his attention by touching his lips lightly to the sensitive skin inside her wrist. His gaze growing intent, he murmured, “You may have dismissed your uncle too soon, my dearest, for I fear you may have need of a chaperone after all.”