What You Do To Me (Unexpected Love) (25 page)

             
“Mommy, did
Daddy
love us?” I
felt
pain in my heart that she would think her dad didn’t love her
. At that point, I was
fighting back tears.

             
“Lil, of
course,
your daddy loved you, you were his baby girl. He loved you and your sisters, more than you know.”

“Then why
didn’t
daddy
ever
tell us? Sophie’s daddy tells her all the time he loves her.” Tears
were
now streaming down my face and I
couldn’t
get any words out with the lump in my throat. “Uncle Derek always tells us he loves us.”
I
felt
my heart breaking and I
realized
I
hadn’t
stopped to think of how the girls were affected by my relationship with David. I stayed with
him,
thinking
that
I was helping the
girls, but
in
reality,
I was harming them by subjecting them to our toxic relationship. I finally
swallowed
the lump down.

             
“Baby, everyone who meets you loves you. I love you more than you will ever know. I know your daddy loved you, but you have so many more people in your life that love you, Uncle Derek, Lexi, Papa and Grandma. Don’t ever worry about not being loved, because you are more than loved.” I held Lily
until
she fell asleep and then
I
cried. I cried because I hated myself for allowing my child to feel that she wasn’t loved and it was my fault. Holding
her,
I realized I couldn’t let anyone back into my life that wasn’t already there. This conversation showed that allowing the girls to get attached and having it taken away because of me
,
would
hurt them or having someone in their lives who
couldn’t
love them like their own
,
would
make them feel not good enough. I
couldn’t
have Lily ever questioning whether she
was
loved or not again. I finally cried myself to
sleep,
still holding Lily.

             
I woke up early the next morning, at
first,
just
lying
there watching Lily sleep. I eventually got up and decided I would make the girls a big breakfast like old times
. Walking into the
kitchen,
I saw
my cell phone on the charger and I pick
ed
it up for the first time since early yesterday morning.
Geez
, Derek wasn’t kidding, I had eighteen missed calls from him and four
voicemails.
Lexi had called twice and Alex called three times and sent three texts. I open
ed
up my texts and read what Alex sent.

             
I’m trusting Lexi got you home safe,
so
call me when you feel up to it.

             
That was sent around 2 a.m. after going out with Lexi.

             
The second,
Call me I need to hear your voice and I can’t stop thinking about you.
And the last was sent last night,
Call me, I feel like you are avoiding me today.
Let’s talk about the phone call last night.

             
That
is
the thing
.
I
didn’t
want to talk about
the
phone call I
couldn’t
remember and I
couldn’t
have
him
in my life. I
didn’t
know how to tell
him that
,
so
ignoring
him might
just be the easiest thing to do.
If only I was able to say that to him.

             
While I was making pancakes and waiting for the girls to rise from the dead, Lexi
walked
through the door.

             
“Morning, w
hat smells so good?” She
said,
as she walked
through the entry of the kitche
n
.

             
“Coffee?” Holding a mug in the air
and
not waiting for a
reply,
I
poure
d
her a cup. “Pancakes and sausage, I haven’t made a good breakfast in a
while.”

             
“Your guilt
breakfast.
What
are you guilty
about?
” I hate
d that she knew
me
so well, but I couldn’t
tell her what Lily said
to me last night,
because
it still hurt
to think about.

             
“Guilt for the fact they have been eating cereal and toast every
morning.
I need to step up a bit in the mom department.”

             
“
Whatever,
Mom of the Year, please if cereal is the worst crime you commit in the parenting
world,
you’re good.”

             
“
What is up with
the early morning visit? Not really like
you
and you know it,”
I
said,
looking her right in the eyes.

             
“Well, you didn’t return my
calls,
and I’m guessing
Derek’s either,
since he called me three separate times yesterday.
I’m just m
aking sure everyone is still breathing in the Porter household, which you are, so I’ll head to work.”

             
“I talk
ed
to Derek last
night.
He
called the house phone and yes, we are still breathing. Hey
,
isn’t tonight your hot date? You better call me with all the details and if the call is
tomorrow,
I’ll understand.” I sho
t Lexi a wink.

             
“Yes
,
it’s tonight and you know I love to kiss and
tell,
so don’t worry. You’ll hear everything. I don’t need to be drunk
to spill my sexcapades.” She
threw
an evil grin
at me
and I immediately
frowned
. “Hey, why the long
face?
I
’
m happy for
you,
and Alex sounds like a great guy. I can’t wait to meet him.”

             
“There will be no
meeting,
Alex.
I’ve decided it’s way
too
soon to bring anyone into the
girl’s
lives,
especially
someone who can’t lov
e them as their own.”  Lexi would
understand
th
at
,
she
would
want to protect the girls too.

             
“Did he say that, that he couldn
’t love the girls?” Her face had
hardened a bit now.

             
“Not exactly, but not many guys can, and I’m not going to chance having them get attached
and him not
care about
them,” I
said,
feeling sure I was
making the right choice.

             
“Listen, you need to tell him
and
let him have the chance to decide if he can be a part of your life and the
girls.
Don’t
make
the decision
for him.” Lexi walked
over, set the coffee cup by the sink,
and hugged
me. “I have to go,
but
if you want to talk more about this, I’ll stop by after my date. I love
you,
Abbs, give him
a chance to choose.”  She turned and headed
for the door. I
k
new she was right, but I couldn
’t talk to Alex about my
fears. I
didn’t
even know if he
wanted
a relationship like that and
I’d
feel like an idiot bringing it up if he
didn’t
. It
was
just easier to ignore him.

             
Ignoring Alex was hard. That
morning,
I had the same six arrangements
delivered to the house
like the ones from days ago. This time, there was a note card attached.
You never said your favorite so I sent the same
again.
I know your favorite is in the
re some place. Call me xoxo Alex

             
The girls and I spent the day out of the house enjoying the park, nature walks and lunch along the boardwalk. We didn’t get home
until
much later than I had planned, but it was a great day. The girls ran upstairs for their bath and I booted my computer to upload the pictures from the day. When I plugged in my SD card, the pictures from the weekend loaded first. My heart stopped when I saw the pictures from the Tigers game. I couldn’t take my eyes off the pictures after the game with Sam, Derek, Alex and myself. 
In
the first
picture,
we were not looking at the camera, but
instead, each
other, but on the second one, he was still looking at me. His
eyes fixed on me and were
not moving. I thought for sure he turned to look at the
camera too. I scrolled back to the
meet and
greet,
and
I saw
the same thing. The two pictures with the band Alex
,
wasn’t
looking at the camera, he was staring right at me.
Looking at the pictures, I felt a pain in my
chest;
I couldn’t help but wonder if I was doing the right thing, I couldn
’t help
staring
at him in t
he pictures.  I had to force him
from my
thoughts,
as Lily and the twins
yelled
to me that they
were
ready for their bath.  Hearing their voice
reminded
me that it
wasn’t
about me, but about
my
three girls upstairs. My
feelings didn’t
matter an
ymore,
because
I had
to put them first.

             
The next
morning
the girls woke
me,
knowing that
later,
they would be going to my
parent’s house
for the night. I
worked
one to two night
s
a
week,
so my
dad
could
have the night off. He
was
so much
a control freak
like me, and not overseeing the
day-to-day
running of the
pub, drove
him crazy, but me being t
here
made
him fine with leaving for the night
.

             
Th
e girls
dragged
me out of b
ed and down the stairs and we went
on with our summer morning routine. The girls chat
ted
with Derek on Face Time as I sip
ped
my coffee and read one of my mag
azines. I said a quick hello to Derek and go
t the girls ready for my parents. After
lunch,
I drop
ped
the girls off at my parents and head
ed
out to the hiking trails to get a run in before heading to work
at
the pub.