What You Really Really Want (15 page)
Read What You Really Really Want Online
Authors: Jaclyn Friedman
Wearing Sexy Clothes/Being Flirtatious
Dive In:
Declare Opposite Day. The idea here is to try something new in order to discover how well your current approach is working for you, or if another one might feel more true to yourself. There's no right answerâjust notice whatever you learn.
Dive In:
List five sexual things that seem both risky to do and appealing to you. They can be things you've done before or things you've never triedâanything from going out in a hot skimpy outfit to asking a partner to tie you up to hooking up with a stranger. Now circle the one that's most appealing to you, and also circle the one that seems the riskiest (these may be different items on your list, or the same one). For each circled activity, ask yourself the three questions on the preceding page and write out your answers. List all the bad things that could happen if you do this thing (risks can be physical, emotional, financial, etc., and affect both you and other people); then assess how likely it is for those bad things to happen and think of anything you can do to reduce those risks. Then list all the potential good outcomes and assess how likely it is for them to happen. You don't need to make a decision about whether or not it's worth doingâjust notice your feelings as you complete the exercise.
LISTEN TO YOUR INTUITION
Myth:
People will assume you're “easy” or you “want it.”
People will assume you're “easy” or you “want it.”
Reality Check:
If people make assumptions about you based on how you dress, whether or not you like to flirt, or if you get down on the dance floor and make out with someone in public, that's their business. Just because you are expressing yourself sexually in public doesn't mean anybody has the right to expect that you'll take it further sexually with them or with anyone else who happens to be around. As stockbrokers say, “Past performance is not an indicator of future results.”
If people make assumptions about you based on how you dress, whether or not you like to flirt, or if you get down on the dance floor and make out with someone in public, that's their business. Just because you are expressing yourself sexually in public doesn't mean anybody has the right to expect that you'll take it further sexually with them or with anyone else who happens to be around. As stockbrokers say, “Past performance is not an indicator of future results.”
Beyond that, research shows that predators look for targets that seem vulnerable. When you hear people say, “Rape
isn't about sex; it's about power,” that's what they mean. You can't “cause” someone to sexually abuse you by being too sexy. Sure, you may turn someone on enough that they'll try to hit on you for sex, but if they're not a rapist, they're not going to simply lose control and assault you. Sexy vs. modest isn't the distinction predators make. They're much more concerned with whether you look strong vs. whether you look vulnerable, and you can project either of these regardless of what you're wearing or who you're flirting with.
isn't about sex; it's about power,” that's what they mean. You can't “cause” someone to sexually abuse you by being too sexy. Sure, you may turn someone on enough that they'll try to hit on you for sex, but if they're not a rapist, they're not going to simply lose control and assault you. Sexy vs. modest isn't the distinction predators make. They're much more concerned with whether you look strong vs. whether you look vulnerable, and you can project either of these regardless of what you're wearing or who you're flirting with.
Might some people (who aren't dangerous) make assumptions about you if you're wearing something they consider “provocative”? Yes, that's a risk. As we discussed above, you weigh the risks with the rewards, and everyone's threshold is different. And perhaps your goal is to have others find you provocative. And that's okay, too. That doesn't give anyone the right to mistreat you, and it doesn't make you “easy.” It simply makes you
you
.
you
.
On the other hand, if you're dressing or acting “sexy” because you think people will like you more, or for any reasons that have more to do with someone else's expectations than with what feels right to you, that won't get you any closer to what you really really want. In fact, the further you stray from your authentic self, the less likely you'll be to attract the kinds of people into your life that you genuinely want to meet.
I would rather be inside with apple cider and a copy of
War and Peace
. That's just the kind of person I am. When I look at pictures of myself from several years ago, when
I was wearing the hair, and miniskirts, and stiletto heels, you know, it was like my uniformâthat was the fake part. That was the inauthentic, here-I-am-performing-what-I-think-sexuality-is part. It just wasn't natural to me. Which isn't to say I'm not a sexual person. It just feels fake for me to do that.
{Gray}
War and Peace
. That's just the kind of person I am. When I look at pictures of myself from several years ago, when
I was wearing the hair, and miniskirts, and stiletto heels, you know, it was like my uniformâthat was the fake part. That was the inauthentic, here-I-am-performing-what-I-think-sexuality-is part. It just wasn't natural to me. Which isn't to say I'm not a sexual person. It just feels fake for me to do that.
{Gray}
Also complicating the matter is the question of what, exactly, constitutes “sexy” behavior or dressing. Jessica Valenti, founder of
Feministing.com
, wound up in the center of a controversy when she wore a perfectly work-appropriate fitted sweater to a meeting with former president Bill Clinton, somehow inspiring a firestorm over how she used her breasts to draw attention to herself in the (incredibly tame) group photo taken at the event.
3
Feministing.com
, wound up in the center of a controversy when she wore a perfectly work-appropriate fitted sweater to a meeting with former president Bill Clinton, somehow inspiring a firestorm over how she used her breasts to draw attention to herself in the (incredibly tame) group photo taken at the event.
3
On the other hand, some of us find that clothes that make us feel sexy fail to get read as such, even in settings where we really want them to: “Feeling sexy when you're buttoned up to the middle of your neck is really hard,” says Enoch. “When I go to parties, I want to show more skin, but I also want to say,
Hey, look, I'm also trans.
We are told that the only way to feel sexy, as people with female-assigned bodies, is to show as much of that body as possible. It takes a lot of work to get out of that.”
Hey, look, I'm also trans.
We are told that the only way to feel sexy, as people with female-assigned bodies, is to show as much of that body as possible. It takes a lot of work to get out of that.”
So have some fun. Play with your look and your behavior in ways that make you feel good, but try to let go of worrying “what people will think.” Because you don't have any control over that anyhow.
Dive In:Declare Opposite Day. The idea here is to try something new in order to discover how well your current approach is working for you, or if another one might feel more true to yourself. There's no right answerâjust notice whatever you learn.
If you usually dress in clothes that make you feel sexy (whatever those clothes look like to youâwhat matters is how they make you feel) when you go out socially, put on an outfit that mutes your sexuality the next time you go out. But if you usually are more low-key, put on an outfit that makes you feel sexy and go somewhere in it, projecting confidence. Either way, pay attention to how you feel as people respond to you. Do you feel more or less like yourself than you usually do?
Or
put on your “Opposite Day” outfit and go somewhere in it acting as though you feel confident, even if you don't. Sometimes you fake it until you make it. And sometimes you discover you're not faking it as much as you thought you were. Notice how you feel as people respond to you. Does the outfit become more comfortable as you wear it, or less so?
put on your “Opposite Day” outfit and go somewhere in it acting as though you feel confident, even if you don't. Sometimes you fake it until you make it. And sometimes you discover you're not faking it as much as you thought you were. Notice how you feel as people respond to you. Does the outfit become more comfortable as you wear it, or less so?
Or
put on your “Opposite Day” outfit and wear it around your house in private. Then, with the outfit still on, sit down and imagine wearing it somewhere public with confidence. Write about what it would feel like, and how you imagine people would respond to you.
put on your “Opposite Day” outfit and wear it around your house in private. Then, with the outfit still on, sit down and imagine wearing it somewhere public with confidence. Write about what it would feel like, and how you imagine people would respond to you.
Ultimately, what's important is knowing how to separate the real risks from the hype. And to learn how to evaluate your risk tolerance, which is unique to you. There's no mathematical
formula to determine your limits, but there are three simple questions you can ask yourself that always apply:
formula to determine your limits, but there are three simple questions you can ask yourself that always apply:
â¢
How bad will it be if this situation doesn't turn out well?
For example, if you've always wanted to try out a sex toy with your partner, and the worst-case outcome is rejection or social awkwardness, you may be more willing to do it, but if your partner wants to have unprotected sex, that can put you at risk of STDs (and possibly pregnancy), so you may be less willing to do it.
How bad will it be if this situation doesn't turn out well?
For example, if you've always wanted to try out a sex toy with your partner, and the worst-case outcome is rejection or social awkwardness, you may be more willing to do it, but if your partner wants to have unprotected sex, that can put you at risk of STDs (and possibly pregnancy), so you may be less willing to do it.
â¢
How good will it be if it goes my way?
Often when evaluating risk, we get caught up in the worst-case scenario. But it's important to also weigh the potential benefits if the risk pays off. Take relationships, for example. If there wasn't something worthwhile at stakeâlike pleasure, love, adventure, or intimacyâwe wouldn't be tempted to take the risk in the first place. If the potential payoff means more to you, you may find you're more willing to take larger risks.
How good will it be if it goes my way?
Often when evaluating risk, we get caught up in the worst-case scenario. But it's important to also weigh the potential benefits if the risk pays off. Take relationships, for example. If there wasn't something worthwhile at stakeâlike pleasure, love, adventure, or intimacyâwe wouldn't be tempted to take the risk in the first place. If the potential payoff means more to you, you may find you're more willing to take larger risks.
â¢
How likely is it that something bad or good will happen if I do this “risky” thing?
Using the information out there, as well as your own experience and the experiences of others you trust, make an assessment of how likely the outcomes are that you both fear and desire. Are there ways to pursue the rewards you're after without exposing yourself to these risks? Be sure to factor in things you can do to reduce risk, like always practicing safer sex or letting someone know where you're going and when to expect you'll return.
How likely is it that something bad or good will happen if I do this “risky” thing?
Using the information out there, as well as your own experience and the experiences of others you trust, make an assessment of how likely the outcomes are that you both fear and desire. Are there ways to pursue the rewards you're after without exposing yourself to these risks? Be sure to factor in things you can do to reduce risk, like always practicing safer sex or letting someone know where you're going and when to expect you'll return.
Dive In:List five sexual things that seem both risky to do and appealing to you. They can be things you've done before or things you've never triedâanything from going out in a hot skimpy outfit to asking a partner to tie you up to hooking up with a stranger. Now circle the one that's most appealing to you, and also circle the one that seems the riskiest (these may be different items on your list, or the same one). For each circled activity, ask yourself the three questions on the preceding page and write out your answers. List all the bad things that could happen if you do this thing (risks can be physical, emotional, financial, etc., and affect both you and other people); then assess how likely it is for those bad things to happen and think of anything you can do to reduce those risks. Then list all the potential good outcomes and assess how likely it is for them to happen. You don't need to make a decision about whether or not it's worth doingâjust notice your feelings as you complete the exercise.
A lot of times, we have to evaluate risks on the fly. That's when we have to rely on intuition.
We all have intuition. It's that funny feeling you get in your gut about something or someone when you don't really know why you have that feeling and yet there it is. Like when you know who's calling before you look at your caller ID. Maybe that feeling is saying,
Run away.
Maybe it says,
Go for it.
Maybe it says,
Proceed with caution.
Those are all messages your intuition can send you.
Run away.
Maybe it says,
Go for it.
Maybe it says,
Proceed with caution.
Those are all messages your intuition can send you.
As women, we're taught to ignore our intuition. We're told it's a sign of weakness. But nothing could be further from the truth.
I used to be a very intuitive person. I used to wear my emotions on my sleeve at all times. I just had a sense about things. But I got made fun of for being a crybaby or being too “out there,” and so I began just keeping stuff inside, and that was around the time when my sense of noticing danger got warped.
{Mag}
{Mag}
You may be wondering how the Terrible Trio fits in here. Fear, especially, can feel like intuitionâand sometimes it is. Other times, it's been ingrained in us and is holding us back while masquerading as intuition. The best way to tell the difference between a helpful intuitive fear and a fake one that's holding you back is to practice. The more you practice listening to your intuition, the sharper it will become. The exercise at the end of this section will help you do that.
It's also worth checking out Gavin de Becker's book
The Gift of Fear,
which is a great source of information and inspiration on how to sharpen your intuition. De Beckerâan expert security consultantâbelieves that our experience of intuition happens when our brain knows something and wants us to act so fast that it doesn't have time to explain to us why we know what we know. Here's what he has to say about it:
The Gift of Fear,
which is a great source of information and inspiration on how to sharpen your intuition. De Beckerâan expert security consultantâbelieves that our experience of intuition happens when our brain knows something and wants us to act so fast that it doesn't have time to explain to us why we know what we know. Here's what he has to say about it:
What [we] want to dismiss as a coincidence or gut feeling is in fact a cognitive process, faster than we recognize and far different from the familiar step-by-step thinking we rely on so willingly . . . Nature's greatest accomplishment, the human brain, is never more efficient or invested than when its host is at risk. Then, intuition is catapulted to another level entirely . . . Intuition is the journey from A to Z without stopping at any other letter along the way. It is knowing without knowing why.
Unlike generalized fear, which has only the loosest relationship with reality,
useful
fear is always specific. It says,
This particular person is lying to me. Don't go into that particular place right now. Let's get out of here.
Generalized fear can actually be dangerous, because it can be like the background noise at a loud restaurant, which keeps you from being able to hear the conversation you actually want to focus on. When you're afraid all the time, it's hard to hear a specific fear instinct, because the other fear buzzing inside you drowns it out. It may cause you to avoid ever learning enough about the situations you fear to develop the keen intuition that will help you navigate them safely.
useful
fear is always specific. It says,
This particular person is lying to me. Don't go into that particular place right now. Let's get out of here.
Generalized fear can actually be dangerous, because it can be like the background noise at a loud restaurant, which keeps you from being able to hear the conversation you actually want to focus on. When you're afraid all the time, it's hard to hear a specific fear instinct, because the other fear buzzing inside you drowns it out. It may cause you to avoid ever learning enough about the situations you fear to develop the keen intuition that will help you navigate them safely.
Think about it this way: You know that sometimes people get into car crashes. If that knowledge developed into a fear of ever getting into a car, that wouldn't be intuitionâit would be an overgeneralized fear that was holding you back from living your life. It would also make it harder to develop the real automotive intuition you need to keep yourself safe. Instead, if you learned more about the circumstances that made car crashes more or
less likely and started by taking short, safer rides, working your way up to longer rides on faster roads at night, you would have the chance to develop your intuition about when a specific car was about to behave in a strange or dangerous way. And when you felt that intuitionâa funny feeling that a car was about to swerve into your lane, though you couldn't say whyâyou'd be much safer if you listened and responded to it.
less likely and started by taking short, safer rides, working your way up to longer rides on faster roads at night, you would have the chance to develop your intuition about when a specific car was about to behave in a strange or dangerous way. And when you felt that intuitionâa funny feeling that a car was about to swerve into your lane, though you couldn't say whyâyou'd be much safer if you listened and responded to it.
That said, your intuition can also be wrong, if it's based on inaccurate information. That doesn't mean you shouldn't listen to it in the moment. But it's useful to think about what triggered your intuition, after the fact. Did that man seem scary to you because he was wearing a heavy jacket in hot weather, and therefore might have been concealing a weapon? Or was he acting perfectly normal, but he was a man of color, and you've absorbed the false stereotype that men of color are more likely to be dangerous than white men? Checking the assumptions that underpin your intuition (after the fact, when you have time to think clearly) is an important way to make it more accurate, and to refuse to play into dangerous myths at the same time.
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