What You Really Really Want (27 page)
Read What You Really Really Want Online
Authors: Jaclyn Friedman
HOT OR NOT
Dive In:
Fill out a Yes/No/Maybe list! The Yes/No/Maybe list was invented by the kinky community (more on that in chapter 8), but can be used by anyone. It's a list of sexual activities, and your job is to mark down one of three responses to each: Yes, I love (or would love) to do that; No, I really don't want to do that; or Maybe,
I'm not sure if I want to do that (or it depends on the circumstances). Y/N/M lists are a great way to get in touch with your turn-ons and turnoffs, the better to communicate them to your partner. So fill one outâthis one is good for starters:
www.wyrrw.com/ynm
. (Note: All Y/N/M lists are likely to include sex acts that make you think,
Ew!
or,
Umm . . . people
do
that?
That's the point. Just say no to those. This isn't a dare, or a checklist of things you ought to want to do. It's just a way of getting to know your own desires better.)
SAFE IS SEXY
Dive In:
You guessed it: Practice having this conversation using your chosen role-playing method. Do it a few times, asking your conversation partner to give different kinds of answers each timeâthe kind of answers you hope to hear, the kind you fear you'll hear, perhaps answers you've received before but wish you'd responded differently to. Do it until you feel comfortable saying what you need to to feel safe and in control in the situation.
DIRTY TALK
Telling your partner(s) what turns you on can feel terrifying if you haven't done it much before. It can feel incredibly vulnerable:
What if they laugh at me? What if they're disgusted? What if they turn me down?
Even before that, it requires you to admit aloud that you have desiresâand not just generally “desire,” which can be challenging enough, depending on your background, but specific, personal, sexual desiresâones that someone else should care about. Yeesh.
What if they laugh at me? What if they're disgusted? What if they turn me down?
Even before that, it requires you to admit aloud that you have desiresâand not just generally “desire,” which can be challenging enough, depending on your background, but specific, personal, sexual desiresâones that someone else should care about. Yeesh.
And yet. Like Mick Jagger sings in the old Stones classic, you can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find you get what you need. Or, as my mother always taught me about negotiations, “Ask. The worst they can do is say no.”
Which is all to say, you picked up this book in order to find your way to a more fulfilling, you-centered sex life. And you can't get it if you don't tell your partner what you want in bed. You don't have to be bossy or insultingâoffer suggestions in the spirit of collaboration, using the Nice Person Test. Don't you want to hear about things that would make your lover happy? Well, any good partner does, too. Don't assume that any of us feels like we know what we're doing, especially with a new lover.
Now, it's entirely possible that you want some things that make you nervous to talk about. Maybe you have fantasies or desires that seem taboo to you. We're going to get more into those in chapter 8, but for now, just know that you don't have to tell your partner everything at once. Start with stuff that seems less riskyâthat you like more pressure, or less, or a little over to the left? Yes, that's the spot. And if you were to go in kind of a circle? Ahhhhhh . . .
It's also likely that some of the time, you won't know what you like until you try it. Then the question becomes: Are you enthusiastic about finding out if you like it? If the answer is yes, let your partner know that while you're into trying it, you're not sure how you'll feel about whatever it is that you're doing. That way, your partner will be better prepared if you do wind up having a negative response. If you're not into even finding out if you like something, that may well be your intuition speaking. Don't let anyone talk you into trying things in bed if even the trying doesn't appeal.
Also, you can change your mind! Just because you ask your partner to go down on you doesn't mean you can't also say “stop.” Maybe you thought you'd like it but it feels too intense. Maybe it felt great but now you want to do something different. Maybe you've got a leg cramp. Doesn't matter. Desires are always changeable and revocable. A good partner should understand that, but if you're not sure yours does, you can check in with them about that at any time.
“My partner and I both deal with chronic pain, and often when we are having sex, positions need to change often,” says Jenn, age twenty-four.
At first, we were clumsy about it, and everything had to stop, and we'd reposition and have to get going again with diminished energy. When I'm the hurting party, I tend to just exclaim something ridiculous, like “ow” or “cramp!” and start laughing like crazy. We're at a point now where “ow” is not a problem word anymore, it's just a signal, and we laugh and keep going. What used to take what seemed like forever is now pretty seamless. The laughter helps.
There's a flip side, too. Being comfortable with sexual communication is the only way to ensure you'll feel comfortable setting boundaries. If you can't talk about what you want, it makes it that much harder to talk about what you
don't
want. I know that I often hesitate a little bit before I set a sexual boundary, because I hate disappointing my partners. Thing is? They're hardly ever really disappointed, because I get sexual only with people who care whether or not I'm having a good time, and there are plenty of things we can do that make us both happy. But even if you're disappointing your partner, isn't that better than squelching your own desire and never trying to get it fulfilled?
don't
want. I know that I often hesitate a little bit before I set a sexual boundary, because I hate disappointing my partners. Thing is? They're hardly ever really disappointed, because I get sexual only with people who care whether or not I'm having a good time, and there are plenty of things we can do that make us both happy. But even if you're disappointing your partner, isn't that better than squelching your own desire and never trying to get it fulfilled?
Dive In:Fill out a Yes/No/Maybe list! The Yes/No/Maybe list was invented by the kinky community (more on that in chapter 8), but can be used by anyone. It's a list of sexual activities, and your job is to mark down one of three responses to each: Yes, I love (or would love) to do that; No, I really don't want to do that; or Maybe,
I'm not sure if I want to do that (or it depends on the circumstances). Y/N/M lists are a great way to get in touch with your turn-ons and turnoffs, the better to communicate them to your partner. So fill one outâthis one is good for starters:
www.wyrrw.com/ynm
. (Note: All Y/N/M lists are likely to include sex acts that make you think,
Ew!
or,
Umm . . . people
do
that?
That's the point. Just say no to those. This isn't a dare, or a checklist of things you ought to want to do. It's just a way of getting to know your own desires better.)
Once you've done that, it's time for another practice conversation! Using any of the role-playing methods we went over earlier in the chapter, practice telling your partner (a real one or a hypothetical one) about one thing that turns you on and one thing that turns you off. If you're up to it, and you have a current sex partner or a friend who's willing, have them fill out the same Y/N/M list you did, and compare and discuss your answers.
We talked about managing risk some in chapter 4, but now we're adding a new twist: another person to manage it with. Depending on your partner in play, that person can be an ally in keeping you both safe from STDs and pregnancy, or an obstacle. I encourage you to find out which one they are as soon as you can.
At risk of being redundant, I can tell you that it really does help to know what you want in terms of safer sex practices before you enter this negotiation. (For a comprehensive resource on your safer sex options, check out this Scarleteen article:
www.wyrrw.com/safersex
.)
www.wyrrw.com/safersex
.)
Once you've got that down, the next step is to find out where your partner is at and what the two of you can agree on. You can do this up front, or you can do it as you go along (as your partner starts to go down on you, you could hand them a dental dam, for example).
Talking about STD status can be a little trickier. If you have an STD that your partner could catch, you have to decide if/ when, and how to disclose that to your partner. We'll be diving into this in chapters 8 and 9, but I think the Golden Rule applies here: Do unto others as you'd have them do unto you. Wouldn't you rather know if you're at risk of catching something from having sex with your partner? Well, unless there are extenuating circumstances (like fear your safety will be at risk if you tell), that goes both ways.
One time I had a one-night stand where I brought someone home and things quickly got heated. Just as we were about to do something that involved swapping fluidsâand as I was perched on top of themâthey said, “When's the last time you were tested?” I had a pretty good idea of my status but had not ever been tested (fully because of my own fears), and my response was “I'm clean.” We then proceeded to have a lot of unprotected sex. I consider myself extremely lucky that neither of us contracted anything from that experience, and frequently tell that story when I am speaking to youth about why it is so important to have safer sexual activity conversations prior to being in the heat of the moment.
{Scout, twenty-five}
{Scout, twenty-five}
Even if you have no known diseases, it's a great idea to bring up the topic before you get naked, because you can't assume your partner will tell you if you don't ask. (It's also possible your partner will lie, which is yet another reason to practice safer sex even if neither of you has any known diseases, but most people will tell you what they know if asked directly.) It's hard to make questions about disease sexy, so it will feel more like an interruption of the mood the hotter and heavier you get. And there are some very particular questions to ask. Here's what I use:
â¢
Do you have any STDs?
If the answer is yes, ask follow-up questions about what your partner is doing about risk reduction, but also feel free to put off getting down until you do whatever research is necessary to make you feel comfortable with the risk. Or perhaps you'll decide you're not comfortable with the risks, so sex is off the table with this person.
Do you have any STDs?
If the answer is yes, ask follow-up questions about what your partner is doing about risk reduction, but also feel free to put off getting down until you do whatever research is necessary to make you feel comfortable with the risk. Or perhaps you'll decide you're not comfortable with the risks, so sex is off the table with this person.
â¢
When was the last time you were tested?
Some STDs take up to six months to show up on tests and/or show symptoms. This means that even if the tests show your potential partner doesn't have HIV, they could have been exposed to it in the six-month period before they were tested, and it wouldn't show up on that test.
When was the last time you were tested?
Some STDs take up to six months to show up on tests and/or show symptoms. This means that even if the tests show your potential partner doesn't have HIV, they could have been exposed to it in the six-month period before they were tested, and it wouldn't show up on that test.
â¢
What have been your safer sex practices in the period the test doesn't cover?
Did you use those practices sometimes, or always? And do you know the STD status of whatever partners you've had in that period?
What have been your safer sex practices in the period the test doesn't cover?
Did you use those practices sometimes, or always? And do you know the STD status of whatever partners you've had in that period?
You're looking for two things when you ask these questions:
1. The actual information, which will help you decide how comfortable you are with the STD risks involved with sleeping with this particular person (remember that no partnered sex is zero risk).
2. The way they respond to the questions. Are they impatient with you, or direct and respectful? Someone who can't handle these questions is less likely to be handling their own STD prevention, either. But someone who is open and forthcoming (and asks you, too!) is likely to be someone you can trust to tell the truth and respect your safer sex needs.
As Prerna discovered, even decent partners can find this conversation challenging, but sticking with it can yield great results.
The first time I asked my boyfriend when he had been tested last, he was like, “Uh ... never?” And I was like, “Well, you've had plenty of sexual partners, so you should probably do that.” He was flustered by how direct I was, and by the fact that I was bringing it up at all. The next time, as I was going to visit him, I asked him if he'd gotten himself tested, and he said, “Well, I kinda forgot about it,” and it was a really big internal struggle for me to then be like,
Well, do I let that slide?
But this is something that's really important to me. He's probably fine, but what if he's not? I don't know his former partners. So I stuck to my guns about that. And he did get tested.
Well, do I let that slide?
But this is something that's really important to me. He's probably fine, but what if he's not? I don't know his former partners. So I stuck to my guns about that. And he did get tested.
Dive In:You guessed it: Practice having this conversation using your chosen role-playing method. Do it a few times, asking your conversation partner to give different kinds of answers each timeâthe kind of answers you hope to hear, the kind you fear you'll hear, perhaps answers you've received before but wish you'd responded differently to. Do it until you feel comfortable saying what you need to to feel safe and in control in the situation.
All of this talking-about-sex stuff is hard, in part because most of us have been trained not to talk about sex, and especially not to talk about it with our sexual partners, and
absolutely
not to talk about it with our partners while we're actually
having
sex. This is profoundly damaging, yes, but also profoundly silly. Sex talk can be hot! There's a whole industry devoted to providing people with the opportunity to get off while talking about sex, an industry that nets phone companies an estimated $500 million annually.
2
Sex talk is obviously appealing to a whole lot of people.
absolutely
not to talk about it with our partners while we're actually
having
sex. This is profoundly damaging, yes, but also profoundly silly. Sex talk can be hot! There's a whole industry devoted to providing people with the opportunity to get off while talking about sex, an industry that nets phone companies an estimated $500 million annually.
2
Sex talk is obviously appealing to a whole lot of people.
Direct talk about sex has the unearned reputation of being antisexy, but the truth is that much of the communication I'm suggesting in this chapter can be done in a way that makes you and your partner hotter for each other. And I don't just mean talking about what turns you on, though seriously, that can be a sexy-as-hell conversation, too. Want to check if you've got enthusiastic consent? Try asking in a sexy voice: “Do you like it
when I do that? Does that feel good? I really want to do X; do you want me to?” You get the ideaâit doesn't have to sound like you're negotiating a contract. The important thing is to be clear and make sure you get an answer. And ask again when you're moving on to a new sex act.
when I do that? Does that feel good? I really want to do X; do you want me to?” You get the ideaâit doesn't have to sound like you're negotiating a contract. The important thing is to be clear and make sure you get an answer. And ask again when you're moving on to a new sex act.
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