Whatever It Takes (3 page)

With a scream, I jolt and realize I fell asleep with the melting ice cream in my hands. I close my eyes and rest my head on the couch, but quickly reopen them. All I see is my baby boy and I can still hear that skin crawling voice.

“
Sweetness?”

I snap my head to the right to see Jake walking towards me. I look back down at the milky ice cream as I feel Jake’s arms wrap around my shoulders as his chin rest
s
on my shoulder.

“
I heard you scream. What’s the matter?”

His voice is gentle and I feel as if he really wants me to tell him what is going on. I just don’t want to put another burden on his shoulders.

“
Just a bad dream,” I tell him. He reaches down to take my ice cream and leaves for the kitchen. Jake returns and holds out a hand for me to grab. I do so and he leads me back to the bedroom. We lie down and cuddle together with my back against Jake’s chest.

“
Want to tell me about it,” his breath caresses my ear.

I squeeze my eyes closed, but that image pops up again. I roll over to face him and squeeze into my favorite spot.

“
Sometimes, I just wish I could forget it all. It haunts me no matter what I do.”

Jake holds me tightly to him as he takes a shaky breath. I close my eyes and feel the pulse in his neck against my forehead.

“
I want to help you, but I don’t know what to do.”

“
Just being here helps.” I feel as if I  am lying, although I am not. It is true that his presence helps me, but sometimes, I wonder if its enough. I focus on the heat coming off of Jake’s body and allow myself to fall asleep.

My leg is bouncing up and down as I sit at the high-rise table at Coffee Beans. Bells jingle and I glance up to see Kyle walk in the cafe. Kyle is the type of guy who will help you out when you need it but won’t ask any questions. His way of thinking is if you want him to know, then you’ll tell him. Otherwise, he won’t ask.

He waves and walks over to take a seat across from me. I hand him the black coffee that I bought earlier for him.

“
Hey Em. Happy Birthday,” he says with a nod of appreciation as he takes his coffee.

“
Hey. Thanks.” I cradle my coffee in-between my hands. Kyle reaches out a hand and places it on my knee to steady it.

“
What’s going on? Why are you nervous?”

None of my new found friends know of my past. However, I do know that Kyle’s mom went through the exact same thing that I’m going through right now with the nightmares. It came up one evening when we were hanging out. I don’t know if I should proceed with my plan or not because I feel as if it would be an act of betrayal to Jake. I take a deep breath.

“
How did she get rid of the nightmares,” I ask, looking down at my coffee.

Kyle clears his throat in a way that conveys he knows what I’m talking about. He squeezes my knee and I glance up at him as he returns his hand to his coffee. Curiosity and concern fill his eyes as he gazes at me. When Kyle answers, I know this was the right thing to do.

With a deep breath, he says, “She went to therapy and talked with my dad about it. I know that her therapist told her to always be upfront with her feelings and what she was going through. That was especially important with my dad because he went through it with her. He might not of had the nightmares, but he still went through a grieving process. Her therapist told her that being open with him should help a lot. I believe that did help her the most.

“
Her therapist wanted her to write down her fears and her nightmares so they could analyze it. Mom didn’t like that though. Instead, she just talked it through with my father and her therapist.  Please tell me you aren’t going through this Emily.”

“
Going through what,” I hear Jake voice behind me. He kisses the back of my head and starts to massage my shoulders, which are extremely tense. Kyle glances back and forth between Jake and I.

“
Nothing love. I’ve got to get back to work. My break is over.”

I stand up, give Jake a kiss on the cheek and leave the two men. Work fuddles by as Kyle’s words cloud my mind. After messing up two orders, my manager ordered me home. After cleaning up, I walked out back.

Instead of going home, I text Abella, Hannah, and Kyle to let them know that I am ready. They have something planned for my birthday.

Minutes later, Kyle pulls up  in front of the cafe. I slide into his car and off we go. Honestly, I’m not in the birthday mood. Nonetheless, I allow Kyle to whisk me away. Not caring where we are going, I close my eyes and don’t open them again until

The moving car stops, it is clear that the party has already started. Music vibrates its way outside and Kyle and I get out of the car. I loop an arm through Kyle's and we walk inside. Immediately I'm handed a drink. Maybe this is exactly what I need to forget about today.

The alcohol falls effortlessly down my throat and someone hands me another. Kyle gives me a puzzled look, but I ignore him. After about thirty minutes of heavy drinking, I wonder why Jake isn't here. Pushing through the crowd of  people that I vaguely know, I find Kyle.

Slumping against him, I yell over the music into his ear. He points a finger across the room and in walks Jake. One look into his eyes and I have to turn away from his powerful gaze. My heart is aching and I want nothing more than a shot of whiskey.

Normally, I wouldn’t drink anything strong so the alcohol goes right to my core and it doesn't take long before I'm tipsy.

“
Hey Sweetness.”

Exhausted, I tell Jake to take me home. Once there, he sits on the couch and I make my way over to him.

I toss off my shoes and sit on his lap, wrapping my arms around his neck. There is no better way to do this than to just jump into it. I rest my forehead against Jake’s and close my eyes.

“
There is something I have to tell you,” I slur.

Jake’s hands rest on my hips. “What is it Sweetness?”

“
Earlier at the coffee shop, I was talking with Kyle about what his mother went through. Kyle’s parents lost a baby too. But, there is more that I haven’t told you.”

I take a deep breath and look into those green eyes I love so much. Tears splash onto Jake's t-shirt. Those grass green eyes are full of love and concern. I’m tired of seeing that concern in his eyes every time we talk. It was only going to be there longer if I tell him what has been happening. But with alcohol swishing around in my body, I'm in a talking mood.

“
Tell me what it is Sweetness.”

“
Last night, when you heard me scream, it was because I was having a nightmare.” I struggle with my words, but I push forward. Goodness, I do not want to speak these words. My throat feels closed as the tears continue to fall down my cheeks.

“
I keep having nightmares about the baby. Either someone takes him from me or he’s already dead in my arms. Last night,” I choke on my words. “Last night was different.”

I explain my dream to him and my conversation with Kyle. I see the horror pass through his eyes. We sit there in a stony silence before I speak again.

“
You don’t blame me, do you Jake? Even just a little bit? It’s okay if you do. I just need to know if there is a part of you that blames me for the loss of our precious baby.”

Jake gulps and his thumbs wipe away my tears. His eyes are watery, but not a tear falls. He brings my head closer to his and kisses my forehead.

“
Sweetness, I don’t blame you at all. There is nothing for me to blame on you. I’m so sorry. I’m not sure if I know how to help you, but I’ll do whatever it is you need me to do. Do you think you should see a therapist too?”

I shake my head. “I want to handle this on my own. Well, can talk with you but no therapists. I felt terrible for having to ask Kyle as it is. I don’t want to go ask a stranger for help. Jake, I didn’t even want to tell you. I know you worry about me and I didn’t want you to worry more.”

Jake interrupts, “I do worry about you. I was scared to death that this was going to consume you and that you were going to return to the Emily I first knew.”

“
Was going to?” I ask searching his eyes.

“
Yes. Was. You coming to talk to me, even if you didn’t really want to, shows me that you aren’t going to withdraw. It shows me that you are going to let me help you.”

“
I’m tired of talking. Can we go to bed now?”

Jake holds on to me as he stands up to carry me to our bedroom. I undress and ask if he has heard from Drake today.

“
Yeah, he called me after practice. Why?”

“
He didn’t call me. I’ll just call him tomorrow.”

I throw the covers back and climb into bed with one of Jake’s shirts on. I pull the covers up to my neck and face Jake who is wearing pajama pants. I run my hands over his chest and tell him that I love him.

“
I love you too Sweetness. Thank you for sharing with me.”

“
Welcome.” I give him a sweet kiss and rest my head on his chest. Jake begins to play i
n
with my hair.

“
Promise me that you’ll wake me up if you have a nightmare.”

“
Jake, you need your sleep,” I protest.

“
So do you Sweetness. Now promise me.”

“
I promise.”

Exhausted, my eyes heavily fall.

4

Jake

Drake called and for the fourth time, I was helping him over the phone with his homework. Why Dad doesn’t help him, I'm not sure. I'll have to find out though. I can’t work, study and help Drake every day.

Emily woke me up three times last night. While I am glad she woke me up, I am exhausted. Coach certainly gave me hell for it at practice too. I rest my head on my desk and try not to fall asleep. At least I don’t have to work this weekend. I guess I’ll go out with the guys and kick back since Emily has to work.  I am going to go home and take a nap.

Classes for the day are over and I couldn’t be happier. I  go home, take a nap, and grab a bite to eat. One of the frat houses is having a huge party tonight and we are going. Brad and a few other guys are coming to pick me up. I just finish getting ready when a horn honks. I lock the door behind me and join the guys in the truck.

“
Ready to party Benson?”

“
Absolutely. What’s up?”

“
I'm ready to get laid,” Brad replies with a chuckle. The other guys readily agree. I just smile and change the subject to hockey. We have a game this coming Monday and I am pumped. So far, the entire team has been playing extremely well. Going against our rival had everyone ready to win. Knee deep in plays, the conversation  comes to a halt as we arrive.