When Autumn Leaves: A Novel (14 page)

Those first few days, she tried to convince herself it was nothing more than mere flirtation, a crush, harmless enough in and of itself. In believing this, she allowed herself to pursue it, pursue him, mentally. She lived in a state of perpetual day-dreams, surprising herself with the scope of these fantasies and the excuses her mind invented to bring the possibility of being with him that much closer. Ana had to see him, even if he didn’t see her. She had to give her eyes another image to wrap her dreams around.

Ana had never been much of a gardener. She had meant to become one, really had wanted to, when they first bought the house years ago, but she had just never made it a priority. She occasionally bought potted plants from the grocery store or the local hardware store, but it never went further than that, for the same reason they never had pets: it was too much of a commitment for their already busy lives. But now she was thinking of starting a small kitchen garden. Ana loved to cook, and it would be really nice to have some fresh vegetables and herbs available right outside her back door. She even managed to convince herself that really it had very little to do with Finn, that seeing him at the nursery was just a bonus. Her mind, like anyone else’s on the precipice of morality, was a marvel at justifying.

On Ana’s next day off after she made this decision she paid a visit to Bellaverde Nursery. It had taken her too long to decide what to wear. Of course she wanted to look good, but she absolutely could not look like she had tried to look good. And she could hardly explain to Jacob wearing stiletto boots to the nursery. Subtlety was the key. Jeans, white tank, silk scarf—French style—and a pair of ballet flats.

Surprisingly, Jacob had shown a lot of enthusiasm towards her idea about the garden. He even wanted to go with her, a suggestion that made Ana’s mouth grow dry and her stomach roll over. She held him off on the pretense that she needed some alone time, which, she supposed, was not far from the truth.

On the way there she calmed herself by slipping a Lori Carson CD in the player. She leaned back into the headrest and centered her breathing. Bellaverde was on Caradoc Road, not quite out of the center of town. There were other businesses there, like Silvermoon, Ana’s favorite clothing boutique. Unlike other commercial areas of Avening, the lots along Caradoc were much bigger, and the houses that sat on it were some of the oldest and most impressive in Avening. They were mostly rambling Queen Annes in a wide array of dazzling colors.

Ana pulled her car through the tall fence around the parking area just in front of the entrance. There were a few other cars there, which momentarily caught her off guard. In her fantasies, of course, she and Finn would somehow find themselves alone. She made one final check of her appearance in the rearview mirror, an action even she thought silly, and got out of the car.

She walked slowly through the graveled entrance, marveling at the arched trellis and the blooming, fragrant flowers that wound their way around almost every inch of it. She wished she knew more about plants, and hoped she wouldn’t say something stupid. But she knew she would, somehow, screw everything up. She had never mastered the art of being demure or casual. Whenever she tried to be, she came across as ridiculous and she knew it, knew by the awkwardness that settled around her and made others smile at her in a “bless her heart” kind of way. She would just have to try to be herself, her best, most cool self.

The arch opened up to a vast area of table upon table of potted flowers and plants. Finn kept it all very organized and labeled, and soon Ana began to realize the displays were divided into sections of trees, shrubs, annuals, and perennials. There was also a good selection of pots, tools, and architectural elements. From somewhere in the distance, Ana heard the flow of water, and over that, from speakers set in hidden locations, Alison Krauss was playing. Ana, who had never in her life stepped into a nursery, felt strangely at home.

She looked at the various customers and wondered where Finn might be. It suddenly dawned on her that he might not be around at all. But something told her he was here, and close. She walked over to a table on which sat a plant with gorgeous purple flowers. She moved her face in towards it and delicately lifted the petals to her nose, taking a deep breath in.

“Viola odorata. It smells wonderful, doesn’t it?” Suddenly Finn stood there before her, in old jeans and a thin gray T-shirt. Ana could hardly believe it, but he looked even more handsome than he had when she first met him. He was the kind of man that looked better a little dirty. He had the beginnings of a beard, which suited him completely.

Ana wondered what she should do with her hands, so they moved in a variety of awkward positions before one settled on her hip and one on her bag. “Finn, hi! You startled me. I . . . umm . . . yes, it does smell wonderful.”

“What brings you here, Ana? I thought you said the whole plant thing wasn’t for you?” Finn was smiling.

Ana panicked: had she said that? She supposed so, but why on earth would she have? “It isn’t.”

Finn raised his eyebrows and with that there was no pretense, no excuses as to why she was there. They looked into each other’s eyes in silence. This is a dangerous game, thought Ana. She broke out into a wide grin. “Well,” she said finally. “Jacob and I were thinking of starting a little kitchen garden. I don’t know how successful we’ll be, but we thought it would be really nice to have fresh vegetables just outside the door.”

“Really.” Finn crossed his arms. He wasn’t buying it for a minute. “Well, then come over here. We have a section I think you’ll be interested in.”

Ana followed him through a maze of plants to six tables off to the side. The sign above read The Kitchen Garden.

“I don’t believe it!” exclaimed Ana.

“Oh yeah, I had a feeling you were coming, so I set up this little area just for you.”

Ana knew he was joking. Wasn’t he? “Well then, thank you, I’m flattered.”

Finn smiled broadly and ran his hand through his hair. It was kind of a girly thing to do, but the way he did it seemed rugged and nonchalant.

“Seriously, though, around this time of year a lot of people get the very same idea as you. It’s hard for most people to grow things from seeds, so we started these plants weeks ago. Is there anything you want in particular?”

Ana could think of about a million things she wanted in particular from Finn, but she restrained herself. “Listen, Finn, just give me the run-of-the-mill, first-time-out package. Really, I trust you,” she said, looking straight into his eyes. At that Finn looked away. Her heart began to pound. Had she been too forward? Had she put him off?

She thought he might have said something else, but he began to pull various plants from the tables. “Hey Vic!” he yelled to a young man spraying some plants. “Grab the dolly, will you?” Ana stood by silently and watched him work, her skin tingling with irresistible anxiety.

A couple of minutes later, Vic returned and Finn began loading plants onto the cart. “So, here you’ve got basil, cilantro, rosemary, dill, chamomile,” he said to her over his shoulder. “Those are your herbs. Here are tomatoes, squash, beans, lettuce, peppers, onions . . . That should be a start. Vic, put those by the front. I’ll ring it up later.” Vic, cheerfully obedient, disappeared with the loaded cart, leaving Finn and Ana alone again. “Would you like some coffee or tea? We could have some out back. We could talk about taking care of all of this stuff.”

Ana, hugely relieved by the invitation, smiled and realized that she was actually batting her eyes, which she stopped. Immediately. “I’d love that.”

“Great, follow me.” Finn led her to a green door and opened it. Inside was a small office with a desk and a computer, and a counter with a sink. Finn flicked the electric kettle on and pulled two mugs from a shelf above. “Hope peppermint is all right with you, Ana.”

“Yeah, sounds good.”

“Why don’t you go out here?” Finn said, opening another door off to the right of the room. It led out to a small patio, completely shaded by a white canvas awning, under which was a round wooden table and two wicker chairs. “Let me make the tea. Just make yourself comfortable and I’ll be out in a minute.”

“Are you sure, Finn? I don’t mind waiting with you. I’d feel weird just sitting there while you do all the work.”

“Please, Ana, go outside and enjoy the weather.”

“All right.” Ana settled herself on one of the chairs and began flicking through a magazine he had on the table. When she looked up, she could see him through the window, opening his huge filing cabinets to pull out leaflets, lining up mugs and spoons on a tray. Was it her imagination, or were his hands shaking as he poured? Ana looked quickly back down at the magazine as the patio door opened again.

“Here we go,” Finn said as he set the tray down on the table.

“Let me get those.” Ana offered, and she stood behind him, placing one hand on the small of his back while with the other grabbing the papers from his arm. It seemed a natural thing to do, though she knew as soon as she touched him that it wasn’t.

“So . . .” Finn said.

“So . . .” Ana responded. They looked at each other in silence. There were words, thousands of them, that Ana wanted to give him. The words had lined up inside her mouth since the day she had met him, but she did not know how to let them go, so she looked at him and said nothing.

“Right. Well, here are the instructions I was telling you about, and there’s even a little diagram there that will tell you where the best place is to plant each thing. We could talk more about the garden, you know, if you have any questions . . . ”

“No. I mean, if I do, I’ll just call you.” Ana squeezed honey onto a spoon, which she then submerged in her cup. And then, without thinking, she took the spoon out and stuck it in her mouth, sucking the remaining bit of honey onto her tongue. Finn’s breathing shifted.

“Ana . . . ”

“Yes?”

“Can I ask you a question?”

“Sure.”

Finn smiled, but Ana wasn’t sure if it was to himself or to her. “How much of you being here has to do with starting a garden, and how much of it has to do with seeing me?”

“My, my, Finn. That’s a bold question.” Dammit, thought Ana. She must be horribly obvious.

“Really, let’s cut the bullshit here. Life is too short to dance around.”

Ana felt suddenly, weirdly, confident. “Why would I do that, Finn? Why would I lay all my cards out on the table like that without being able to gauge where you’re at yourself? That’s not fair.”

Finn’s hands shot up in a conciliatory gesture. “No, I suppose it isn’t. Okay . . . I’ll say it. I can’t stop thinking about you.” He dragged his hand through his hair again; it was clearly a nervous tic of his. “Ever since I met you, I walk around feeling like I’ve forgotten to do something, like I’m missing something. And now that you’re here in front of me, I realize it’s you.” She didn’t think he meant to say so much, but she got the distinct impression that he couldn’t help himself. “This is crazy: I’m married, you’re married, and I don’t even know you really, but being around you, it’s . . .”

“Like striking the head of a match.” Ana finished. Wow, where did that come from? Good one, Ana. She wondered where he got the courage to make such an admission. It was like watching an avalanche.

“Exactly.”

The two of them looked at each other. Ana’s stomach seemed to drop to the floor. Surely there was more to it than that? She didn’t know anything about cheating and she barely remembered courting. She figured they would have danced around it for a while. But Finn was right: now that the two of them were together, it was obvious. She wanted to grab him and kiss him—hard. But her body wouldn’t let her. She was nervous. He was nervous. So they both did nothing, other than sit and look at each other for a while.

“Finn, I love my husband. We’ve been together a long time. We’re a team, we’re a good team.” Ana wanted Finn to know how much she cared about Jacob. She wanted him to know she wasn’t a slut. “A long time ago, we were . . . you know, hot for each other or whatever. But it was nothing like this. This is pretty crazy, this attraction, right? Pretty off the charts?”

Finn looked like he was grasping for the right words too. She was sure he didn’t want to come off as a slimy guy who cheats on his wife all the time. “Ana, I promise you that this not normal. I almost feel like I’ve been drugged. I haven’t been, have I?”

“Finn, if I could bottle this, I would be just about the most powerful woman on earth, I think.”

Finn laughed affectionately, and then there was more silence. Ana knew it was because they had to be so very careful with their words. The quiet wasn’t awkward, just hopeful and maybe a little sad. Finn spoke again, and there was a seriousness to his voice that Ana wasn’t sure she was ready for.

“You do realize, Ana, that now that we’ve actually said it, now that we’ve let it out into the world, there’s just no way we can shove it back inside. But Ginny and I have been together since we were sixteen years old, and Janey isn’t even three yet. I don’t know what to do about this. I suppose the honorable thing is to just stay away from each other, but . . . ”

“I don’t want to do that, Finn.”

“Neither do I.”

Ana smiled, reached across and gently laid her hand on his.