When I Say No, I Feel Guilty (15 page)

SELF-DISCLOSURE

The second skill that must be mastered in order to communicate effectively is SELF-DISCLOSURE. Assertively disclosing information about yourself—how you think, feel, and react to the other person’s free information—allows the social communication to flow both ways. Without self-disclosure, the following up of free information would make a conversation very stilted, give the impression that you are playing the role of an interrogator or district attorney, or simply prying into the other person’s life without sharing any of your own experience.

Prior to studying the social assertiveness dialogue that follows, let’s first take a few moments and see how we can discriminate free information from other conversation and briefly discuss what self-disclosure is.

If you have just been introduced to someone new at a social function (better still, you have introduced yourself), you might ask that person, for example: “Do you live near here, Mary?” If Mary replies, “No,” she has given you zero free information about herself. If, on the other hand, she replies: “No. I live in Santa Monica right near the beach,” she has given you two bits of information that you did not ask for. First that she lives in Santa Monica, and second, in all likelihood, she likes the beach and goes there often. You also might get the free information that she is married, has three children,
two dogs, and is simply waiting at the social function until her husband arrives. In any case, what do you do with the free information when you are given it? How do you follow it up both to get to know Mary better and let her know more about yourself? There are two ways to follow up free information someone gives to you. You might, in Mary’s case, simply ask her what Santa Monica is like. This obvious course prompts Mary to tell you a lot about Santa Monica, but probably very little about Mary. In order to facilitate the social communication process, you have the option of asking Mary what she thinks of Santa Monica. For example, you might begin a question to her with self-disclosure: “I’ve never lived in Santa Monica, but friends have told me that it is a great place. How come you decided to live there?” This type of follow-up on free information is really directed more to the topic of Mary than the topic of Santa Monica. Other examples of free information might be that Mary makes ceramics, is taking a night course in typing, owns her own surfboard, is single,
etc.
Following up clues as to Mary’s interests could emphasize getting more information about ceramics, typing, surfing, or being single. The follow-up of these clues, on the other hand, may emphasize how and why Mary liked or got into ceramics, typing, surfing, or still being single. In either case, whether we emphasize ceramics or how ceramics relates to Mary, we have the assertive option to choose either direction.

To complete our half of the social communication, it is necessary also to give information about ourselves to the person we are relating to. As in following up free information we are given, we have the option to talk about the subjects that interest others or about ourselves in relation to those subjects. Self-disclosure of the latter type may be as simple as saying, “I really don’t know much about ceramics. Is it something you can explain or do you have to do it?” or “I’ve never talked to anyone before about ceramics. What’s it all about?” or “I haven’t been able to find time to do a lot of fun things like that. How do you manage it?” By disclosing information about yourself in responding to the other
person’s free information, you make it easier for him or her to prompt you for further information on your own interests, lifestyle, or even your problems.

In teaching people to recognize free information, follow up on it, and use self-disclosure, I use two practice exercises that I developed in the spring of 1970 at the Sepulveda V.A. Hospital. The first exercise is to pair off with an arbitrary partner and simply practice following up free information that the partner gives. The person learning to recognize free information does not offer any free information or self-disclosure. Instead he concentrates solely on recognizing and following up on the free information his partner gives him. After a sufficient amount of practice with both partners reversing the roles, the second exercise is used. In this one, the learner is instructed that for each bit of free information his partner gives him, he is to give one bit of self-disclosure back. After both partners have practiced the skill of returning information for information given while still prompting further information, they are allowed to engage in the process simultaneously. In this last step, if the conversation is observed, it appears as a very animated, engaging discussion with no hint of stereotyping or that both partners are employing learned skills.

In teaching people to assertively communicate with each other in social situations, someone invariably makes a statement like: “I think that the interchange between people isn’t something you can artificially create. It’s either there or it isn’t. Practicing to talk to someone systematically is phony and mechanical!” I usually avoid a long, detailed discussion of the problems you can get into with such a preordained viewpoint. Instead, I point out its similarities to the observation of the little old lady, who upon watching Neil Armstrong make his giant step for mankind, was asked by a reporter if she, one day, would like to go to the moon herself. Her reply: “If God meant us to go to the moon, he wouldn’t have given us TV sets so we could watch it from here!”

The following dialogue is a sample demonstration
exercise used in my assertive therapy groups. Although its style and content are set up for younger people in dating situations, the skills of recognizing free information and following it up with self-disclosure have been used just as successfully in social situations involving recently divorced men and women of all ages, social situations with no sexual roles involved, such as getting to know new neighbors, people meeting at parties, as well as new social relationships between men or between women.

Dialogue #3
Pete and Jean model the social conversation
skills of FREE INFORMATION and
SELF-DISCLOSURE

In this dialogue Pete and Jean are modeling the follow-up of free information for a group of Sacred Heart Academy and Cal. Tech. students on a weekend encounter series at the University of California at Santa Barbara. The dialogue centers around social conversation problems that young people have in dating.

Setting of the dialogue: Pete is just picking up Jean at her home for their first date.

PETE
: Hi, Jean.

JEAN
: Hi, Pete, how are you?

PETE
: I’m fine, how are you?

JEAN
: I feel like having a good time.

PETE
: Great. So do I.

JEAN
: Let’s go, I’m all ready.

PETE
: Okay, let’s walk. It’s only four or five blocks and we can talk as we go.

JEAN
: Okay.

PETE
: What did you do today? Anything spectacular?

JEAN
: No,
I just studied all day
. [FREE INFORMATION] [Note #1. Jean responded that nothing exciting happened today, i.e., “No.” Then she gave free information that she was studying—a high probability behavior for a student, but not always to be assumed.
Students do other things besides studying. Pete could then ask: (1) What does she usually do when not studying, (2) What sort of exciting things have happened to her lately, (3) What is she studying for, and (4) Why was she studying at this particular time.]

PETE
: What are you studying for?

JEAN
: I’ve got
two
tests coming up next week. [FREE INFORMATION about schedule]

PETE
: What classes are you taking the tests in?

JEAN
: Shakespearean literature and biology of reproduction. [Note #2. Pete could respond to Jean’s statement in two ways: (1) Impersonal, or (2) Oriented toward her personal interests. The first would be a response such as “Tell me about Shakespearean drama.” The second would be more personally oriented, i.e., “How did you become interested in Shakespeare?”]

PETE
:
Gee, I like theater
. What a combination, Shakespeare and reproduction! I know why you’re interested in reproduction. How come you’re interested in Shakespearean drama? [SELF-DISCLOSURE]

JEAN
:
My mother was a drama major in college before she met my father
. I guess I picked it up from her. [FREE INFORMATION about parents]

PETE
:
My family never had any acting talent
. How do you feel about your mother giving up acting?
I think it would be neat to have someone close to you who knew all the Broadway and Hollywood people
. [SELF-DISCLOSURE]

JEAN
: I think it would have been nice,
but I like her the way she is now, taking care of Dad and the family
. [FREE INFORMATION about mother]

PETE
: Do you think that’s your lifestyle—homemaker and all that?
Sometimes I think that must be a real bore for a woman
. [SELF-DISCLOSURE]

JEAN
: I don’t know. I know I don’t want to get married yet.
I want to see what I can do on my own
. [FREE INFORMATION about personal goals]

PETE
:
I feel the same way, I want to be independent for a while
. What would you like to do, be an actress? [SELF-DISCLOSURE]

JEAN
: Maybe.
If I’m good enough to be successful at
it
. What are you studying for? [FREE INFORMATION about self-doubts]

PETE
: I haven’t decided yet whether to be a brain surgeon or a streetcar conductor.

JEAN
: Funny! Funny! That’s so old it died a natural death.

PETE
:
I know it’s bad, but it’s my favorite joke
. Have you heard any good ones? [SELF-DISCLOSURE]

JEAN
: No,
all I remember are elephant jokes
. [FREE INFORMATION on taste in humor]

PETE
:
They’re great too
. Maybe you know some I haven’t heard? [SELF-DISCLOSURE]

JEAN
:
I want to talk about you instead
. What are you going to do when you graduate? [SELF-DISCLOSURE]

PETE
: Do you always interview all your dates this thoroughly?

JEAN
: Come on. What are you studying?

PETE
: I give up. I’ll admit it. Aerospace engineering.
Just another one of the warmongers!
[FREE INFORMATION about political sensitivities]

JEAN
: It’s not that bad.
But you don’t look like an aerospace engineer
. [FREE INFORMATION]

PETE
: How should I look?

JEAN
: (Giggling) You look more like a linebacker for the Rams.

PETE
:
I thought so
. You’re a jock lover. [SELF-DISCLOSURE]

JEAN
: What are you complaining about?

PETE
: You’re right! What am I complaining about?

Disclosing private information about ourselves to other people is a very effective assertive skill, not only in social conversation but also when there is conflict between yourself and another person. Private feelings, worries, even lack of knowledge or indecisiveness cannot be dealt with by other people by their denying or disregarding the truth of your feelings. Someone else cannot make you feel good about doing something, for example, lending them a car, if you just plain worry
about lending your car to anyone. You may balk at lending a car to someone and invent many reasons why you cannot lend the car at that particular time without ever admitting—even to yourself—that you feel worried and upset when you lend it out; the perfect “reason” not to do something you don’t want to do. You may even worry when you know there is nothing to worry about. Whenever you have lent the car out in the past, nothing bad has happened. Such logic is beside the point. Your feelings may be irrational, but they are still your true feelings and must be respected.
Unfortunately, we seldom respect our own feelings of worry and uncertainty
. We might reason that we “should” not feel worried when someone wants to borrow our car. Instead of honestly saying either “No” with no explanation or “No, I get too worried when I lend my car to anyone,” we invent reasons that sound more acceptable to ourselves. The type of voluntary self-disclosure I have been emphasizing is, of course, about things we assume we should hide: dislikes, worry, ignorance, fear,
etc.
Voluntary self-disclosure is not to be confused with the vomiting up of confessions of lack of self-worth having involuntary, automatic, almost conditioned characteristics. Your voluntary disclosure of negative factors about yourself and your own ready acceptance of them is probably the most potent and effective assertive skill in preventing manipulation and ensuring your own peace of mind. If other people react to your assertive disclosure of your inner self and worries by trying to convince you that you “shouldn’t” or have no right to feel that way, your reply is simple and direct: “Perhaps so, but that’s still the way I feel.” Such an open and honest response is impossible to deal with manipulatively. When you make such a self-disclosure, the person you are interacting with must respond to you on the same level of honest personal wants or not deal with you at all. As we will see in many of the dialogues to follow, the appropriate use of voluntary self-disclosure is effective in dealing with manipulative used-car dealers, clerks, door-to-door salesmen, businessmen, mechanics, fellow employees, bosses, friends, neighbors,
relatives, parents, and our children, as well as a means to improve our social communication and conversational skills.

So far, I have talked mostly about our verbal behavior with other people. The aim of systematic assertive practice is to present a person who is self-assured, adept in dealing with other people in conflict, and confident. Your assertive impact upon other people will likely be ineffective if at the same time you show observable anxiety cues. We all know people who say one thing but whose body says another. While others may not be able to put their finger on the cues that tell them we are anxious, they are still able to interpret them correctly. The most obvious cue that you are nervous in dealing with someone else is a lack of eye-to-eye contact. When you give a positive verbal message to someone but also appear anxious, that person will pay more attention to your nervousness than to what you tell him. Your chances of communicating what you want will be lessened since anxiety, in our Western civilization at least, is considered abnormal behavior and the model we use to deal with abnormal behavior is that used when we are confronted by an intoxicated person—a drunk. Most of the population will humor anyone displaying any signs of abnormality. Commitments made will usually not be honored but used only as an expediency to quickly deal with and dispose of the anxious person.