When I'm Gone: A Novel (12 page)

MAY

CHAPTER 12

Luke slathered the last bit of chocolate frosting from the can onto the angel food cake. May’s birthday request. Luke hated canned frosting, but he wasn’t up for an attempt at homemade. Once all the crumbs were concealed under another layer of frosting, Luke checked in the family room to see who wanted to give the chocolate-covered spatula a lick.

“Hey, is that up for grabs?” Natalie peeked around the corner and snatched the spatula out of his hand. She was wearing her favorite pair of jeans, the ones with a hole in the knee that hugged her hips and rear in precisely the right way. A clingy blue V-neck T-shirt set off the deep blue of her eyes.

“Hey! I usually charge a kiss.” He laughed, pretending to reach for the utensil.

Natalie swiped a finger full of frosting into her mouth. “Mmmmm,” she mumbled. “Totally worth it.”

“Pay up, hot stuff.” He took a step closer. She smelled like her favorite shampoo and body lotion. A smudge of frosting clung to the corner of her mouth. Luke wiped it away with his thumb, tipping her chin up at the same time. He’d loved that face almost as long as he could remember, and it only grew more beautiful with age. The fine lines on her forehead, between her eyes, and around her mouth were subtle, a delicate record in flesh of the life they’d lived together.

“I love you, Nat,” he whispered, watching her lips, wanting to kiss her as much as the first time he’d gotten up the nerve as an eighth-grade boy. He ran his tongue over his lips and met hers gently. They fit perfectly, her head tipped to the right, his to the left.

“I love you too,” she said, the words flowing out over his lips in a warm wave. Luke put his hand around her waist and pulled her in close, her body pressing against his. Her lips parted, and Luke’s fingers threaded through the loops on her jeans. She tasted like chocolate.

The doorbell rang in the background. Luke groaned as Natalie pulled away, placing one last kiss lightly on his tingling lips.

“You’d better get that,” she whispered and took another step back. Somehow Luke knew she wasn’t heading for the door.

“They can wait. Don’t go,” he begged, but her hand slipped out of his, their fingertips brushing as she backed away. The doorbell rang again. Luke ignored it. He wanted to go after her, but his feet wouldn’t budge. Natalie took another step backward and another, the darkness from the dining room swallowing her whole. “Natalie! No!”

A swirling blackness flooded in around him, touching his skin, filling his mouth with each breath until he couldn’t take in any more air. The room turned dark, and terror wrapped hands around his throat so he couldn’t scream.

A hand on his shoulder shook him, and Luke started awake. It took a moment to understand his surroundings. The family room, kitchen, door to the dining room, cake on the counter only half-frosted, Natalie’s latest letter across his chest.

“Daddy, everybody’s here.” May knelt beside him on the couch dressed in a blue tulle skirt and matching shirt with sequins. It was a present from Grandma Terry. Not something Luke would pick for a nine, almost ten-year-old girl, but May couldn’t resist the sparkles. Her hair hung over her shoulders in two semirespectable braids. It had taken months of practice, but he was getting close to proficient.

“Sorry; I dozed off.” He tugged on one of her braids affectionately. “You can get the door.”

“Will got it,” she chirped before kissing his cheek. The noise from the hall moved toward the back of the house. Annie stuck her head through the doorway.

“Hey there. Heard you fell asleep on the job.” She hugged a thin cardigan around her torso, far more dressed up than he was used to seeing her in his house. Her straight-legged jeans brushed the floor with each step, short hair pinned back from her face with bobby pins. Her eyes lingered on the letter pressed to Luke’s chest, and a little frown tugged at the corner of her mouth.

“Yeah, sorry. I think I taste tested a little too much of the frosting and it put me in a sugar coma.” Luke laughed it off, trying to forget the very real dream he’d been sucked out of.

“That cake looks like it could use a little help.” This time her frown was playful. He glanced over at the white cake, half-covered in chocolate frosting with little bits of cake mixed in it.

“I never turn down free help,” Luke said, folding Natalie’s letter quickly and putting it in his front pocket.

“Free? Who said it’d be free?” Annie laughed. “Hey, do you have an apron?” She gestured to her fancy getup.

“I’m sure I still have some in one of the pantry closets. Let me look.” Luke crossed from the couch to the white bifold doors against the back wall of the kitchen, opened them, and rummaged through a box of fabric, pot holders, and bibs till he grabbed a long thin string of fabric that appeared to be an apron ribbon. “Here you go!”

Luke tossed the apron across the room and Annie caught it. She shook out the wrinkles from the oversize white apron and froze.

“Do you have another one?” Her voice quavered like she was about to cry. She turned the apron around. It was Natalie’s Mother’s Day apron, with all the kids’ hand- and footprints on it. They’d made it with Natalie’s mom before Clayton could walk. Luke turned away before he could remember the last Mother’s Day together before the diagnosis.

He cleared his throat and searched more carefully this time, selecting the apron he used when grilling. It said something stupid like “Kiss the Cook,” but it was better. May’s birthday was the first big family celebration since Natalie’s death, and though they were all putting on a convincing impression of having fun, the fewer reminders of what was missing, the better.

For Luke, remembering was hard in a different way. On days like today, Luke missed the old Natalie—his wife, mother of his children, the woman he thought he knew. But in order to miss her like that, he had to push all of his questions aside.

As for Andy Garner, Luke had gone as far as finding him on Facebook, but the guy’s account was set to private. He hadn’t come to the funeral, but Natalie used to take the kids to visit him. On Facebook, all Luke found was a picture of a man, who must be Andy, in a hat and sunglasses holding up a large silver fish. Dr. Neal, in contrast, remained a mysterious figure, and all efforts at digging up information had come to a halt as Luke focused on planning May’s party.

Suddenly Annie was beside him, a hand on his back between the shoulder blades. That was her normal spot now. Her liberally displayed affection used to bother him, but he was starting to remember how nice it was to be comforted by another living human. There’s only so much comfort that notebook paper could provide.

“I’ll put this back in here. It’s special. I wouldn’t want to get it dirty.” She placed the folded apron into the bin and slipped the new one over her head. “Besides, this is more my style, don’t you think?” She modeled the red-checkered apron with hands on her hips.

Luke chuckled. “Oh yes. Very chic.”

“Will you tighten this for me?” She’d already wrapped the strings around her waist three or four times and tied them in the front, but the neckline sagged low, providing little protection for her top half. Annie turned around and stared at her feet, exposing the metal buckle at the base of her neck. Luke took a step closer, suddenly overly aware of how she smelled like flowers. He wiped his hands on his pant leg and reached for the aluminum clip. As he grabbed it, Brian’s deep voice interrupted.

“Where do you want me to put this salad, babe?” Brian didn’t wait for a response and instead tossed a green plastic bowl on the kitchen island, where it bumped against the already pathetic cake. “Nice apron.” Brian laughed, making his way across the kitchen. He ran his index finger along the words printed on the fabric sagging across her chest. Kiss the Cook. Grabbing her chin roughly with his thumb and forefinger, Brian whispered, “Don’t mind if I do,” and planted one right on Annie’s mouth.

Annie’s head jerked back at first, but Brian didn’t seem to notice. He wrapped one hand around her waist, pulling her into him just like Luke had dreamed about doing with Natalie. It took Luke a moment to realize he was still holding the clip on Annie’s apron.

He dropped it and backed away, staring at the ground, wishing he didn’t feel a swell of jealousy in his chest. He told himself that he wasn’t jealous because Brian was kissing Annie. He was jealous because he could never kiss Natalie ever again.

Annie pushed Brian away, out of breath.

“Brian!” She slapped his shoulder. “There are children present!”

“Who, Luke?” Brian nuzzled Annie’s cheek with his nose. “I’m sure he’s figured out the birds and the bees by now.”

Annie glanced over her shoulder, cheeks flushed and worry lines around her eyes. Luke had become far too familiar with that look on her face. He was getting good at reading Annie. The more time they spent together, the less she felt like this image he had of Natalie’s best friend and the more she seemed like her own, three-dimensional person, a complicated puzzle for which he didn’t have all the pieces.

“There’s beer in the fridge if you need to cool down, loverboy,” Luke joked in an attempt to make Annie feel better. He’d never figured out the whole dude-bro thing, but he’d been around long enough to know how to fake it. “Annie promised to help me finish this cake.”

Brian spun Annie out like a professional ballroom dancer, and her laugh echoed through the kitchen. Clayton must’ve heard it from his bedroom because seconds later there was a chorus of stomping feet on the stairs.

“Annie!”
A little blond head bobbed up and down in a blur through the kitchen, leaping into Annie’s arms. “I missed you.”

“I missed you too, bud.” Annie kissed the top of his head and gave Clayton a hug that could crunch bones.

“It’s been less than a day. I don’t think that counts as long enough to miss someone,” Brian said under his breath.

“I missed you too, Mr. Brian,” Clayton said before shoving his pruned fingers in his mouth.

Brian cocked his head to the side like a dog hearing a sound for the first time.

“Huh?” He chuckled and ruffled Clayton’s hair. “I missed you too, kid.”

Annie smiled up at her husband in a way Luke had never seen. He’d seen embarrassed, entertained, happy, and annoyed, but at this moment she looked proud. Snuggling Clayton in tighter, Annie headed for the cake.

“You want to help me decorate May’s cake?” she asked. “I’ll let you lick the spoon.” Propped on Annie’s hip, Clayton nodded emphatically.

Brian stood in front of Luke, suddenly dropping his jokester demeanor.

“So, Luke, I have a huge
favor
to ask of you.” He’d found a beer from the fridge and opened it already. The way Brian emphasized “favor” made the muscles in Luke’s shoulders tighten.

“Sure. What’s up?”

“I don’t know if Annie told you or not, but I’m interviewing for a new job right now.”

“A new job? Like a promotion within the police department?”

“No.” Brian took a swig. “Not with the police department at all. It’s with this private security company.” He smoothed out his button-up shirt—always put together, tidy, efficient.

“Oh, that sounds . . . great.” Luke raised his eyebrows and pretended he knew what a job in “private security” entailed.

“I’m trying not to get my hopes too high, but I’m pretty excited about the opportunity. More flexibility, more perks, more money.” He said the last part quietly.

Luke shuffled his feet and tried to figure out where the whole conversation was heading. “Sounds exciting,” was the best he could muster.

“It’s cool stuff, like Secret Service for rich people.” He finished off his beer in one long drink. “So, anyway, I needed some personal references, and it couldn’t be anyone from the station. I wondered if I could, maybe, put your name down? They might call you, ask some questions. You up for that?”

Brian placed a heavy hand on Luke’s shoulder, and Luke could see why the police officer was good at his job. If you’d committed a crime, Brian standing over you with his dark eyes, thick muscles, and knowing smirk would make you want to pee your pants. He wasn’t a man you said no to easily; besides, it sounded like the position would be good for Annie. No more late nights, less danger, better salary.

“Yeah. Sure. Put me down. I’d be glad to help out.”

“Great.” Brian slapped his hand down on Luke’s shoulder one more time. “They might not even call you, but if they do, let me know. Okay?”

Luke nodded as Annie walked up.

“Jessie’s here. Should we order the pizza?” she asked.

“I already did. I need to pick it up from Sammy’s. I’ve got a coupon somewhere.” Luke searched through the countless pieces of paper held to his fridge by various-size magnets. Natalie had a requirement for students who took a trip during the school year; they had to bring back a magnet for Mrs. Richardson. Over twelve years of teaching, she had quite a collection. She could tell the story behind each and every one. “You guys okay staying with the kids?”

“Uh, how about you give me the coupon, and I’ll pick up the pizza?” Brian yanked the slick square of paper out of Luke’s hand and pulled a large key chain out of his pocket. “I’m not much of a babysitter.”

“Sure.” Luke grabbed a couple of twenties out of his wallet and handed them to Brian. “That should cover it.”

“K. Shouldn’t take long.” Brian retucked his shirt into his belted jeans. He took one step and then turned, like he’d forgotten something. Grabbing Annie’s arm, he flipped her around and dramatically threw her toward the ground, his arm stopping her right before she hit the floor. Then he kissed her.

Will and May watched from the table with a chorus of “ewwwww,” which only seemed to encourage Brian to dip Annie down farther, like they were in a movie. When they finally parted, Annie was gasping, and the kids were laughing harder than they had in weeks. Luke wasn’t sure if he was imagining things, but he could’ve sworn Brian gave him a little look after letting Annie go—a look that said, “I can do this because she’s mine.”

“That was so gross,” May said, still laughing. She was having fun on her birthday, and for a moment she wasn’t missing her mom. As Luke watched May, she caught his eye, and her smile fell. The room was filled with laughter and celebration, all for her, but her eyes were asking him a question—is it really all right to be this happy without Mom?