When Reason Breaks (19 page)

Emily nodded. Instead of packing up for class, she stared at the library's large, glass doors closing behind her friends. As she relaxed her gaze, the panes' sharp edges faded and the overhead lights illuminated the dirt and imperfections. Her eyes watered since they were held wide open for so long. A hard blink pushed the tears out, but she wiped them away with the bottoms of her sleeves before anyone noticed.

The next day after school, Emily perched herself on the edge of Sarah's bed as they waited for the pregnancy test results.

“It only takes a few minutes,” Sarah said from the doorway of her bathroom.

Emily nodded. “I don't want to check yet. Stay here with me.”

“Okay.” Sarah sat next to Emily. “So, how late are you?”

“I don't know. Maybe a week.”

Sarah rubbed and patted Emily's back. “Have you used protection every time?” she asked.

“Yes.”

“But you still think you might be pregnant?” Sarah asked, cocking her head.

Emily shrugged her shoulders. “I'm late. At least I think I am. I don't know. I guess I don't keep track of it very well and the days seem to blend together. I think I should have gotten it by now.”

Sarah sighed. “Have you told Kevin?”

“No. I don't want to say anything if it's all in my head.”

“If I were a betting girl, I'd put my money on negative. Sometimes my period is off when I'm stressed or I'm exercising too much,” said Sarah. “Or you could be overly anxious and thinking the worst because you've got really bad PMS this month. When I get PMS, I think the world is ending in a different way every half hour. I'm a hot mess.”

Emily laughed. “You're never a hot mess.”

“I told you. This all takes work.”

“But, what if I am, Sarah?” A few tears slid down her face.

“Relax. You could be ruining your makeup for nothing. Let's check.”

“Wait another minute,” said Emily. “Abby's really pissed at me, huh?”

“I think she's more hurt than mad. She doesn't know how to say it, but she misses you, too,” said Sarah. “And she's always been like the line-leader, you know? She always has to be president of the club and captain of the team. And then you were the first one to have a real boyfriend. I mean, she's happy for you—she really is—but she's probably a little jealous, too.”

“So, she doesn't hate me?” asked Emily.

“No, and I'm sure she'll understand when she has a boyfriend, which could be soooon,” sang Sarah.

“Really? Is she dating someone?”

“They're talking, but I've been sworn to secrecy for now,” said Sarah. “Time to check, Em.”

Emily stared at the carpet while Sarah moved into the bathroom. When she returned to the doorway, she smiled and announced, “It's negative.”

Emily flopped back on the bed, her arms thrown above her head.

Sarah joined her on the bed, lying on her side. “I knew it. You were worried for nothing.”

“Overreacting as usual, I guess. At least that's what Austin would say. I don't know. I guess now that I think about it, the chances were slim. It's not like that's all we do, and when we do, we're careful. I don't know why I got the idea in my head, but once it was there, I couldn't get rid of it.”

“Are you relieved?”

“Yes, I'm definitely relieved.” Emily placed a hand on her stomach. “But I feel empty, too. Is that weird?”

“No, that means you're hungry and not because you're pregnant. Come on, let's raid the fridge.” Sarah rolled off the bed and pranced out the door. Emily followed her, sauntering downstairs with one hand absentmindedly resting on her belly.

A car rumbled in Emily's driveway on a Saturday afternoon. She pried herself off her bed and shuffled to the window in time to see Abby's brother dropping her off in the driveway. Emily's heart surged. Weeks had passed since Abby declared she was done trying and Emily needed to work at saving their friendship. Emily had initiated small talk at school and alternated where she sat at lunch, but it wasn't enough.

They no longer swung side by side, holding hands to maintain a rhythm. They were out of sync and almost entirely disconnected, which was almost impossible to fix without serious effort. But, Abby was here, in her driveway, unannounced.
I can't believe she's here
.

Emily was about to run downstairs when Austin walked
out of the house. He marched straight to Abby, bent down, and kissed her on the mouth.

The blood drained from Emily's face. She rested her forehead against the chilled window pane and gripped the sill. Abby slid into Austin's car and they drove away.

Hours later, Emily noted the sounds of Austin's return: the car's engine going dead, the slamming of doors, footsteps striding down the hallway. When Austin shut his bedroom door, Emily sprang out of bed and called Abby.

“How long have you been dating Austin?”

“Hey, Em. So nice of you to call me after all this time,” she said. “Well, we've been texting for a while and decided to get together since he'd be home this weekend.”

“Why didn't you tell me?”

“Because we haven't been talking much.”

“I know, but he's my brother.”

“Even more reason not to tell you right away. You'd probably think it was gross or he's too old for me or whatever, so I didn't want to say anything unless we were serious.”

“Are you serious?”

“Not yet, but I like him a lot.”

Emily wanted to be happy for them, but a pit lay in her stomach. One of her best friends came to her home and ignored her, like she was the slightest in the house.

“You didn't even come inside to say ‘hi' to me,” said Emily.

“You didn't come out to say ‘hi' to me. You could've opened your window or waved or something.”

“I know.”

Abby sighed. “Em, what did you want me to do, invite you on our date? That would've been awkward, don't you think? And even if I did ask you to hang out with us, you would have said no, as usual.”

“That's not fair,” Emily whispered.

“Really, Em? How many times have you blown us off? You have a boyfriend, fine, but sometimes you say no and stay home, doing
nothing
. And how many times have Sarah and I asked you what's wrong?”

“Oh sure, you told me to down some energy drinks or take a pill and snap out of it. Very sympathetic. Thanks.”

“Yes, I'm blunt, but that's nothing new, and that's not the problem here.
You're
the one who disappears into the library and makes excuses when we invite you out.
You
haven't called me in weeks. You didn't even tell me about what happened at Sarah's house. Yeah, she told me, but
you
didn't.
You've
been acting like
I
don't matter, but
I'm
the one who's doing everything wrong? Give me a break, Em.”

Abby stopped to catch her breath. Emily stayed quiet.

“You don't know how many times Sarah and I talk about you, trying to figure this out,” said Abby. “What did we do? Or did something horrible happen and you're afraid to tell us?”

Emily cried into the phone. “It's not you. Nothing horrible has happened to me.”

“Then, what is it?”

“I don't know.”

“What do you mean? You're the only one who can know.”

“I don't know, everything's all messed up, and maybe it's
all my fault, but when I saw you today, I thought everything was going to be okay, but you weren't here for me.”

“Okay, now you sound like you're jealous or something.”

“Of course, I'm jealous. We were in a relationship first. We've been best friends since kindergarten and you come to my house and don't even say hello. You want to hang out with my brother instead of me. Yeah, I'm jealous. Why wouldn't I be?”

“So, let me get this straight, you're
jealous
that I'm dating your brother?”

“Yeah, and I guess what I'm really saying is I don't want you dating my brother.”

“You can't tell me what to do, Em.”

“But you can tell me and everyone else what to do?”

“I never tell you what to do. I tell you how it is. There's a difference,” said Abby. “You know what? I'm tired of being blamed for everything. I'm done.”

Minutes after Abby hung up, she posted a vague yet attention-getting comment about “that awkward moment when one of your best friends professes her love for you.”

“Aw, does this mean you and Emily kissed and made up? I hate it when my girls are fighting,” wrote Sarah. “Love you both!”

“Um, no, like I mean she
really
professed her love for me, I think. It was weird. I'll text you.”

A string of comments followed, but the one that caught Emily's attention most was from Olivia, who sits in Emily's seat when she has lunch with Kevin. She wrote, “I guess getting
Kevin to hook up with her was a waste of time. Maybe Sue Huntington, that tomboy freshman, is more her type.”

Getting Kevin to hook up with me?
A wave of nausea rippled through Emily's body. She rushed to the bathroom and heaved into the toilet, but nothing came up. She sank to the floor and pressed her face on the cold tiles until her stomach unclenched and her body felt cool all over.

But another thought forced her into the fetal position: on Monday, Luís the tech-geek-spy would see all the posts, which means so would her dad. And then she'd have to explain what was true, and what wasn't, and she really didn't want to talk to Pop about
any
of it. And no matter what she said, she'd probably be shipped off to a boarding school. She buried her face in her hands and rocked from side to side until she could breathe normally.

After peeling herself off the floor, she gawked at the computer. Kevin had joined the conversation, posting comments in her defense. She considered posting something, but didn't have the energy. Her phone buzzed constantly as Kevin texted and called her.
Tomorrow
, she thought as she shut down the computer and turned off her cell phone.
Tomorrow, I'll talk to Kevin. He has some explaining to do
.

The next morning, Emily's family went to church without her, leaving her to deal with her “painful cramps.” When they left, she texted Kevin to come over. She raced around the bedroom, shoving clothes into drawers or tossing them into
the hamper. Anything else was piled into corners, chucked into the closet, or shoved under the bed. That done, she turned to getting herself ready.

When the doorbell rang, she lifted her bedroom window and yelled down to him that the front door was open, but to close and lock it behind him. She stood in the middle of her room and waited. Her pulse raced. She breathed deeply a few times before he entered through the door. He walked straight to her, reaching out to hug her, but she pulled away.

“Em …,” he started.

She cut him off. “I need to ask you something, and I want the truth.”

“Okay,” he said.

“Promise?”

“Promise. Scout's honor,” he said, raising three fingers.

“You were a Boy Scout?” She was skeptical.

“No, I can't support anything that doesn't support my dads. I had to learn how to start fires on my own,” he said and grinned.

“This isn't a joke,” she responded.

“I'm serious, but fine, I get it. I just wanted to make you smile a little …”

“Was our first kiss a setup?” Emily blurted.

He stood quiet for a while and then said, “I just promised not to lie to you, so I won't.”

Emily shook her head. She thought she wanted to hear it, but now she wanted to cover her ears.
No. Please, no
. She
almost begged him to lie to her, but he opened his mouth and said, “Yes.”

She crossed her arms and forced herself to remain upright.

“Was this summer a setup, too?” She wrapped her arms around her middle and buried her fingertips into her sides.

“No.”

“I don't believe you,” Emily said. She sat on the bed, pressed her palms into the mattress, and shut her eyes. Kevin kneeled in front of her, resting his hands on either side of her.

“I'm not lying,” he said. “Don't be mad, Em, please. I wouldn't have kissed you if I didn't like you. That's the truth. So, yeah, Abby said you liked me, and she encouraged me to do it, but it's not like she forced me. I wanted to, just like I wanted to see you over the summer. After you dropped me and all, I probably wouldn't have even tried again if Abby didn't suggest it before she left for Italy.”

“She what?” Emily said, snapping her head up.

“Yeah, she was like, ‘Hey, you should text Em if you're bored.' ”

Emily pushed him away. “Is that why you texted me? Because you had nothing better to do?”

“No, that came out wrong. It was like a friendly nudge in your direction. It wasn't all Machiavellian. Nice one, right? See, I'm not
always
daydreaming about you in class.”

Emily shook her head and closed her eyes again.

“Sorry. Not funny,” Kevin said and then inched his way
onto the bed next to her. “She wanted us to get together, don't you see? It was just like the notes she used to pass people in elementary school that said, ‘Do you like so-and-so? Check one' and then there were three boxes with ‘yes,' ‘no,' and ‘maybe,' and then she'd set up a play date at recess.”

Emily opened her eyes and smiled slightly at the memory.

“She wasn't trying to be sneaky in a bad way and hurt you. And, you know what? I'm glad she played matchmaker with us.” He reached for her hand. She let him and shifted her body toward him.