When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? (19 page)

PEDRO: And good advice it is. Well, let’s get started. Here’s a question from Elaine Trickier in Frog Balls, Tennessee. She writes, “Doctor, my car seems to hesitate a little when I accelerate from a red light, and I’m afraid it will stall. What should I do?”

PEDRO: That’s right. Don’t ask the doctor. How would he know? That’s obviously a question for a mechanic.

PEDRO: For having her question used on Don’t Ask the Doctor, Elaine Trickier will receive a free rectal thermometer by Recto-Swell, the last word in rectal thermometers. See the new Recto-Swell line of monogrammed thermometers at leading rectal equipment dealers in your area. Try Orifice Max or Browns Personal Items for Inside the Rectum.

DOCTOR: Recto-Swell is a good one, Pedro. Sometimes I use mine when I’m cooking a turkey.

PEDRO: Great idea, Doctor. Well, folks, that’s it for today. Tune in again tomorrow when Dr. Ned Gittles will answer the question, “How can I increase my soybean yield?” on America’s favorite medical advice program, Don’t Ask the Doctor.

Stay tuned for Video Magazine, as beauty expert Mavis Davis shows a young albino girl how to keep her hair from turning prematurely brown. You’re tuned to Elaine and Joe’s Radio Network.

IT’S NO USE USAGEUSE

I object to the use of usage when it’s used in place of use. There’s nothing wrong with using use; it’s been in use a long time and I’m used to it. It isn’t

that usage isn’t useful; I simply have no use for its current usage. The use of usage should be consistent with good usage: I’d prefer to say, “My use of the Internet” rather than umy usage.” If I meant it collectively, I might say, “American usage of the Internet.” But so far I haven’t meant that.

And, as I’m using space on usage, I’ll use some more on utilize. Using utilize instead of utilizing use is one of those attempts to make things sound more important than they really are. Sports announcers do that all the time; they misapply big words: “He’s not utilizing all his skills.” They don’t understand that an athlete doesn’t utilize his skills, he uses them. The coach utilizes his players, but the players use their skills. Don’t use utilize when you should be utilizing use.

MAKING A DIFFERENCE

Another sports-announcer crime is the use of the word differential when they mean difference. “There was a twelve-point differential at halftime.” No. Sorry. There was a twelve-point difference. Differential is a mechanical or mathematical term. And by mathematical I don’t mean Knicks 55, Pacers 43. Difference and differential are different. Go Knicks!

ON THE LINKS

It also annoys me that people sometimes claim to see a linkage when they actually see a link. I think link is fine. Linkage reminds me of my car’s transmission. In fact, I think my car’s linkage is located somewhere near the differential.

STOPPAGE

Stoppage is another ungainly word. The most frequently heard euphemism for a labor strike is work stoppage. Apparently, labor strike sounded too Marxist for

loyal Americans. But stoppage sounds like an obstructed bowel. And stoppage is much too close to sewage for my comfort.

OUTAGE

Usage, linkage and stoppage remind me of outage. This is a word I simply dislike. It’s an awkward, ugly word. Outage. It sounds like something that’s done when a gay person’s identity is revealed. But actually its most frequent use is in describing a loss of electricity: power outage. We used to say power failure, but I guess Americans don’t like to admit failureeven when it’s manifest. Regardless, we ought to find a better way to answer the question, “What happened to the lights?”*

*I recently heard the following sentence on CNN: “Because of high winds, about 250,000 people in New England are without power.” I thought, “Gee, when you think about it, about 275 million people in the United States are without power. They just aren’t aware of it.”

UNCALLED-FOR EDITORIAL COMMENTS:

WHO’S RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS?

When reporting a bombing by some radical group, the news media will often inform us that “No one has claimed responsibility. “Why is this wording used instead of “No one has taken credit”?To save the feelings of the dead people’s relatives? The people who did the bombing surely see it as credit. Let them have their moment in the sun. Look at all the trouble they went to.

UNFORTUNATELY, THEY ALL GOT OUT ALIVE

Here’s another gratuitous editorial appendage often heard on the TV-news coverage of a fire or an accident: “Luckily, no one was hurt” or “The good news is no one was injured.” I consider those to be editorial comments. After all, I may not think its such good news that no one was hurt. Fm entitled to decide for myself whether or not injuries to strangers are good or bad news. I may prefer hearing, “It’s a shame no one was hurt.” It’s entirely possible. Please save the commentary for the editorial page.

PUT ON A HAPPY FACE

And I could also do without these grim, mock-serious facial expressions and sad voices the television-news people affect when reporting these so-called tragedies. Diane Sawyer is one of the worst offenders. She lowers her voice dramatically and puts on this really sad face and tells you all about the baby who died in a washing machine. If you weren’t listening carefully, you’d think the goddamn “tragedy” happened to her. Is that good? I don’t think so. Just let me have the news, please; I’ll get Meryl Streep to handle the sad faces.

THOUGHTS ON “THOUGHTS”

Another empty sentiment concerning the death of people; you hear it on the news, and you hear it in real life: “Our thoughts are with the family. “What exactly does that mean? Sympathies I can understand; prayers, as ineffective as they are, I can understand. But thoughts? Why thoughts? What kind of thoughts? Just thoughts? Like, “Gee, he’s dead”? How does that help?

When first reporting on Michael J. Fox’s Parkinson’s disease, one newslady announced that “Everyone’s thoughts are with Michael.”Well, I’m by no means happy that he’s sick, and he happens to be one of the few

celebrities I genuinely like. But to be perfectly honest with you, for most of the day my thoughts were definitely not with Michael. I wish him well, and I admire the way he copes. But at any given moment, my thoughts are probably on pussy.

THE EXPLICIT TV CHANNEL

The satellite service I get has this great channel, Explicit TV. Its not nearly as limited in content as the standard channels you see. Here are a few excerpts from their program guide:

DAYTIME DRAMA

Harper Darrow and Mary Jane Crotchjockey star in the continuing story of hardship, sorrow, fear, pain, disillusionment, guilt and suicide in a blue-collar family living in a run-down neighborhood. Don’t miss the acclaimed daytime drama Fuck This Shit. In tomorrow’s episode, Velma is given a cesarean section by Nick and Artie, two neighbors who are handy with tools, only to discover that she wasn’t really pregnant. (Partial nudity, heavy drinking, spousal abuse, despair, home-improvement tips)

PUBLIC SERVICE PROGRAM

Every evening at seven-thirty, citizens and consumers get a chance to sound off and air their complaints. Don’t miss Blow It Out Your Ass!, with consumer ombudsman Susan Dorkalot. If you have a complaint to register, be sure you call in, talk to Susan, explain your grievances and complaints and then listen carefully as she bellows, “Blow It Out Your Ass!” (Con games, larceny, gullibility, anger, hostility)

FINANCIAL NEWS

Every evening at six o’clock, catch the Wall Street buzz on Money Talks, Shit Walks. Tonight, Ron Insana interviews Windfall Profitz III, one more worthless cocksucker who makes his living on Wall Street. Don’t be left behind in the fast-changing world of business and finance. Keep up-to-date by watching Money Talks, Shit Walks, brought to you by Pennington-Craymore: Wall Street scumbags since 1869. (Greed, envy, arrogance, predatory males)

OLD-TIME COMEDY FAVORITES

Comedy rules the house on Wednesday night with four of your all-time favorites in a row. First, on Mork and Mindy, Mork is caught performing cunnilingus on a gumball machine. The fun begins and the gumballs fly when Mindy tries to work Mork’s tongue loose, gets sexually aroused and has her first quintuple orgasm. (Gum-chewing, moaning, Lord’s name taken in vain)

Then, on All in the Family, Archie Bunker kills a nigger, blames it on a spic and two chinks and hires a yid lawyer to bribe the judge. Don’t miss the laughs as two guineas beat the shit out of Archie just for the fun of it. Meanwhile, police arrest Michael for pimping out Gloria to Louise Jefferson for a mixed-race, dyke gangbang in the back of George’s dry cleaners. (Racism, bigotry, vaginal bruising)

After that, on I Love Lucy, Ricky pays Ethel twenty dollars for a quick hand job in the broom closet, but things get really hilarious when Fred is caught placing a kosher knockwurst in Lucys asshole. Things get worse when Ricky’s nightclub show is canceled as twelve members of the band come down with anal warts and have to play standing up. (Nudity, sex, sphincter jokes, bogus Latin music)

Our quartet of madcap sitcoms concludes with Leave It to Beaver, as Beaver and Wally fall out of a maple tree while masturbating each other. Imagine everyone’s surprise when they land smack on top of a flustered June Cleaver, who is giving Eddie Haskell a blow job under the tree. (Pee-pee jokes)

FRONTIER NOSTALGIA

Next week, back to back on Nostalgia Theater, you’ll see two of America’s favorite episodes of Little House on the Prairie. First, the 1975 Christmas show, “A Douche Bag for Clara.” Little Clara comes of age and asks Santa for her own douche bag. At first it looks like a disaster when, out of inexperience, she sticks it in the wrong hole. But Luke, the disturbed neighbor boy, saves the day when he distracts everyone by removing his dog’s vital organs with a stick. Clara later learns to douche properly after several long sessions with old Doc Flathammer.

Then, you’ll see just about everyone’s favorite Little House on the Prairie, the hilarious “Missy Takes a Dump in the Woods,” as our young heroine answers nature’s call while wearing high heels and a long dress. Watch her as she tries to maneuver through bramble bushes and poison sumac. Then, too late, she finds out there’s no toilet paper and has to wipe herself with several pine cones. The fun (and the screaming) begins when she unknowingly pulls the cones in the wrong direction. (Partial nudity, douche lessons, unpleasant language)

DUELING TALK SHOWS

Since last month Oprah had a special show, “Women Who Fake Orgasms,” this month, not to be outdone, Jerry Springer is presenting a nighttime special, “Men Who Fake Bowel Movements.” (Graphic video, foul odors)

DR. PHIL

In a special program, Dr. Phil welcomes famed psychic medium John Edwards to the show and they try to contact dead whores. Then, in a special pre-taped segment, Dr. Phil cures a woman’s fear of flying by throwing her out of an airplane. (Limited intellects)

EVEN MORE TALK

Two fascinating glimpses into the medical world as Montel Williams investigates “Doctors Who Intentionally Give Patients the Siff” and Maury Povich interviews “Twins Who Eat Each Other’s Feces.” (Indigestion)

DOCUMENTARY

Award-winning documentary maker Ken Burns continues his penetrating look at America’s history as he takes on a three-part study, The Great Cabbage-Fart Panic of 1860. The disaster, which lasted an entire summer, took the lives of thirty-five hundred people, mostly from lung diseases. The special sound effects heard required the services of over three-hundred Milwaukee men who were fed only beer and cabbage for seven weeks. Fourteen stuntmen died during the recreations.

MUSIC SPECIAL

Then, Friday at midnight, don’t miss Willie Nelson’s pay-per-view concert, Wankin’ with Willie. Willie kicks off the festivities in great fashion as he gets right into one of his all-time best sellers, “Too Drunk to Jerk Off.”

Then he introduces his guest star, Loretta Lynn, who sings her big hit “Your Love Ran Down My Leg and Now You’re Gone.” Willie then joins her onstage and they warble a pair of romantic love songs: “Kiss Me I’m Coming”

and “You Blew My Mind, Now Blow Me.” The pair’s tandem segment concludes as Willie serenades Loretta with his special new arrangement of “We Kissed and My Balls Exploded.”

Willie then takes the solo spotlight again with his familiar country lament, “I Shoulda Fucked Old WhatsHer-Name.”

And what would a Willie Nelson show be without a good ol’ cowboy song? This time he honors the late Roy Rogers and does an authentic western ballad written by Roy called “It’s Midnight in Montana and I Can’t Get My Dick Outta This Cow.” Home-movie footage of the original incident, taken by Roy’s beloved wife, Dale Evans, adds to the song’s authenticity. His faithful horse Trigger is seen off to the side brandishing a huge hard-on.

The whole shebang then ends with more vintage video, this time from Willie’s first special. Two of Willie’s great buddies, Johnny Cash and Waylon Jennings, both now gone to that big corral in the sky, are seen with Willie as they all deliver a rousing version of that definitive honky-tonk anthem, “Drinkin’ Beer, Takin’ a Shit, and Passin’ Out.”

As the closing credits roll and his band plays “God Bless America,” Willie is seen smoking a big joint rolled in American flag paper.

CONCERNED PARENTS