Where I Found You (30 page)

‘Please tell me you’re joking.’ James was standing in the kitchen and had almost choked on his cup of coffee when Maggie had told him what she was thinking. Sam and Liam could be heard playing football in the garden with Harvey, blissfully unaware that their holiday plans had been called into doubt.

The grim look on Maggie’s face should have been enough to tell him that there was no punch line, but for avoidance of doubt she shook her head and then held her breath.

James stuttered as he grappled with his response. His half-formed words came out as little clicks that would have made Maggie smile if the subject under discussion hadn’t been so grave.

‘No, Maggie,’ he said quickly when his power of speech returned.

His reaction wasn’t unexpected and she couldn’t blame him but cancelling the holiday completely had been her starting position. She was holding out for a compromise.

‘What if we put it off for a few days?’

‘No!’

Undeterred, Maggie stood her ground. ‘James, if you had seen how Ted was struggling physically as well as emotionally … He’s already had a fall and if he can’t look after Elsie then that’s the end of their fifty-odd years together.’

‘I know it’s harsh, Maggie, but maybe that’s for the best. I’m sure if Elsie was in her right mind she would be saying the same thing.’

Maggie wasn’t quick enough and James glimpsed a shadow passing across her face.

‘It
is
what Elsie wants, isn’t it?’ He sounded less exasperated now; he knew he was winning the argument.

‘Only because she knows Ted needs more help and that’s why I want to stay here.’

‘But there’s only so much you can do, Maggie. You’ll have your hands full in a couple of months anyway.’

‘Yes, in a couple of months,’ she repeated as if he had missed the point. ‘My hands look pretty empty now.’ She waved her hands at him in frustration, only vaguely aware of how crazed she must look. ‘Ted thinks the baby survived and we suspect her medical records were falsified. If Tess was adopted and we can find her then I’m hoping Elsie can find some peace – or at least stop focusing on the most painful period of her life.’

‘She has Alzheimer’s, Maggie,’ James said as kindly as he could. ‘You’re never going to put her mind at rest.’

Maggie’s lip began to tremble. ‘It will help. It has to.’

James put down his coffee and didn’t say anything until he had stepped close enough to hold her arms in case she started flailing again.

‘I know how strongly you feel and how much you want to help, but seriously, Maggie, you’re clutching at straws. You need to put yourself first – and if not you, then think of the baby. If Ted had a fall then isn’t there a risk you could hurt yourself too?’ James was getting better at reading Maggie and caught another look on her face. ‘What happened to him exactly?’

She rested her forehead on his chest and listened to the steadiness of his heartbeat. He was far calmer than she. ‘He wouldn’t tell me at first but I finally got it out of him.’

‘And?’

‘Elsie had gone into the bathroom and left the taps running. When he heard the water spilling over he rushed in and frightened her. She launched herself at him and they both ended up on the floor.’

‘That could have been you!’

‘I know.’ Her heart filled with dread as she anticipated what would come next.

‘And I know you don’t want to hear this but … maybe you need to become less involved.’

Maggie lifted her head and waited for the tears that were welling up in her eyes to trickle down her cheeks. James had promised her no more tears but he needed to know what this was doing to her. She knew it wasn’t playing fair but she was desperate. ‘I can’t do that, so please don’t ask me,’ she said. ‘I’m willing to accept that it was a bad idea to suggest cancelling the holiday but I won’t desert them completely, not when they’re both more alone than ever. They barely have each other.’

A pair of strong if slightly calloused hands cupped her face. Two thumbs wiped away her tears. ‘As long as you’re careful and you let other people do their bit too. I don’t see why their daughter couldn’t come down from Scotland a couple of days early if he’s struggling that much. Or what about the other one in America? I know it’s far, but it’s getting desperate.’

‘Don’t get me started,’ she said with a low growl. ‘Nancy was happy enough to be spoilt by her parents but now she has a family of her own, she’s turned her back on them. How she can live with herself, I’ll never know.’

There was an awkward pause as they both became painfully aware of the parallels in James’s life. The last time they had spoken about Judith was when Maggie had repeated her conversation with Kathy but James had refused to listen. Maggie had been prepared at that point to bide her time, time for James to miss his mum and for Judith to appreciate exactly how seriously he had been affected. But at that moment there was a void crying out to be filled.

‘Your mum probably deserves better too.’

‘No, Maggie.’ His voice was resolute. ‘Mum didn’t spoil, she smothered, and it’s only now that I’m beginning to appreciate how much she took over my life. I won’t let her back in if there’s even a remote chance she could threaten our life together.’

James hugged her close and she felt safe within the protective circle of his arms. His heart was beating a little faster now but she couldn’t keep quiet. She couldn’t bear the thought of another mother being denied access to her child for a moment longer.

‘Her actions were indefensible but not unforgiveable,’ Maggie whispered. ‘When she phoned social services she barely knew me and hadn’t been ready to accept me.’

‘I know when she phoned, Maggie, and it doesn’t make it any better.’

‘But it does,’ she said, raising her voice and her head towards him. ‘Her actions were borne of ignorance not malice and she’s learnt some harsh lessons since then. I’m not saying you have to make your peace with her right now but it’s not good to harbour so much ill feeling. It’s your decision, but couldn’t you at least let her know that you’re willing to start building some bridges when you get back off holiday?’

‘You’re right. It
is
my decision.’ James had taken a step back and put his hand on Maggie’s protruding stomach. ‘And my decision is not to let anything or anyone threaten this new life.’ As if in response, a rogue hand or perhaps a foot pushed against the taut wall of flesh that kept her baby safe from harm.

‘I know but wouldn’t it be good if—’

Out in the garden, Liam and Sam’s voices were getting louder. There was a dispute erupting over whether a goal had been scored and James pulled back from her. ‘Wouldn’t it be good if we didn’t start the holiday with an argument? I need to go and sort the boys out.’

‘James, please!’ The boys weren’t the only ones raising their voices now, but she was determined to stand her ground.

James had been moving towards the back door but he turned to face her again. ‘It’s not going to happen, Maggie. Not now, and not when I get back,’ he growled. ‘I can’t forgive her. Don’t you see what’s happening? She’s still driving that damned wedge between us. Do you want her to get what she wants?’

‘She might have wanted to break us up once but—’ Maggie didn’t finish the sentence she wished she hadn’t started. She had picked up the sound of Harvey panting and the scent of fresh earth and macerated grass too late.

‘Dad?’ It was Sam’s trembling voice.

‘Are you and Maggie going to get divorced?’ Liam added.

James spun around but not quick enough to catch his youngest son who rushed out of the kitchen as fast as he had arrived. Liam remained stock-still.

‘No, son, of course not; there’s absolutely nothing to worry about on that score. Grown-ups are allowed to have disagreements just like you and Sam. It doesn’t mean I don’t love Maggie, I do. With all my heart.’ He had turned his head towards Maggie as he cast his last remark towards her. ‘I’d better go after Sam.’

James’s footsteps, closely followed by Harvey’s, receded into the distance and silence fell in the space between Maggie and Liam. ‘Everything’s fine,’ she assured him.

‘Dad’s not speaking to Nana Judith, is he?’

Maggie took a few tentative steps towards him. She listened acutely for any telltale signs that Liam was backing away. He wasn’t. When she was close enough to feel the air from his harsh breaths, she reached out and found his shoulder. Tracing her hand upwards, she stroked the side of his face. ‘Your dad’s angry with her at the moment. She did something which even she would agree now was very silly. It’s probably a good thing that they stay away from each other for a while. I should have known your dad was still very angry about it.’

‘What did she do?’

Maggie hesitated. She didn’t like keeping secrets, her own parents had been very open with her when she was growing up, but she didn’t want to say something that might harm Liam and Sam’s relationship with their grandmother. ‘You know, Liam, I could tell you but I would think Nana Judith is upset enough as it is. It might make her feel worse if I told you.’

She had pulled away her hand and, in response, Liam rushed towards her and wrapped his arms around her waist. Where once he would have buried his head in her chest, now he rested it on her stomach. She leant down and kissed the top of his head.

‘If you do get divorced, will the baby have to live with us?’

Maggie laughed despite herself and Liam raised his head.

‘I promise you here and now that we are not getting divorced,’ she said candidly, ‘so the baby is staying here with me and your dad.’

‘But how do you know that for sure?’

‘Listen to me, Liam. Your dad is a wonderful man and he tries so hard to make everyone happy but that’s not been fair on him.’ As Maggie was talking, she could hear footsteps marking her husband’s return but it didn’t stop her from saying what needed to be said. ‘It’s a good thing that he’s finally stopped putting other people’s feelings before his own. I won’t lie to you, it’s going to be a bit of a learning curve for me but that’s not a bad thing, not if it means he’s finally going to be happy for himself.’

‘It’s going to be a bit of learning curve for me too,’ James said. He groaned as he shifted position and it was then that Maggie realised he was carrying Sam on his shoulders. ‘There’s no reason why we can’t consider each other’s feelings and that way we’ll both be happy. I’m sorry, Maggie.’

A glimmer of hope sparkled in the darkness but that was all it was. Maggie had to accept that there was nothing more she could do for now. She would have to pack away her anxieties along with her sun hat and sandals and hope that when she returned there was something left of the mess she was leaving behind to salvage.

21

Elsa’s eyes snapped open to find darkness staring back at her. She didn’t know where she was and her pulse raced as she failed to make sense of the shadows forming in the gloom. Squeezing her eyes shut again, she let her other senses take over. Tentatively, she slid clammy hands across the cotton sheets until her fingers curled around the edges of a single bed. There had only been one time in her life when she had slept alone and the faint smell of lilac confirmed it. Elsa’s lip trembled, she didn’t want to be at Aunt Flo’s house any more; she wanted to go home to her mum. She wanted to be back in the double bed she’d shared with her younger sister, even if she was a conniving little minx who had to be bribed every time Elsa wanted to sneak out in the middle of the night to meet Freddie. The memory felt like a stab to the heart.

‘Oh, Freddie,’ she murmured, wrapping her arms around herself in the knowledge that she would never feel his loving embrace ever again. It was then that she became aware of her sagging body, little more than an empty vessel now. She had never felt so utterly bereft.

‘I’m sorry, I’m so, so, sorry, Tess,’ she said as the first tear trickled down the side of her face. ‘Why did I ever give you up? How will you ever forgive me?’

Her ears strained for answers that would never come. She was going to spend the rest of her life being tormented by memories of abandoning her first-born and as if to give substance to her fears, a long, pitiful howl cut through the silence of the night and turned Elsa’s blood to ice. It had sounded as if it was coming from another room close by but Elsa imagined it was a ghost from the future – her ghost, her future. She couldn’t bear the sound and clamped her hands over her ears but she could still hear the screams – which were now being wrenched from her own lungs. A moment later light flooded the room, silencing her with dread.

‘Don’t be frightened. You’re safe here, Elsie,’ a woman soothed.

With bright light stinging her eyes and tears blurring her vision, Elsa couldn’t see the woman clearly but she could see enough. ‘Who are you? Where’s Aunt Flo?’ she panted.

‘Not far,’ the woman said softly as she perched herself on the edge of the bed. ‘We don’t like to see you so upset, though. Do you think you could take your medicine now? It’ll help you sleep.’

Elsa tried to hide beneath the covers. ‘No, go away!’ she cried. ‘Leave me alone to my misery!’

Maggie’s reintroduction to the blustery British weather at Manchester airport was a refreshing change from the cloying heat of southern France, but the weather wasn’t the reason she was glad to be back on home soil. Her self-restraint had lasted but only just. She and James had avoided mentioning either the Miltons or his parents while they were at the farmhouse, although it was fair to say that his sons had shown significantly less self-control. Liam, in particular, was taking a guilty pleasure in mentioning Nana Judith at every given opportunity. Fortunately his mischievousness entertained rather than annoyed his father and they had all enjoyed what had been a relaxing and yet exhausting holiday.

After disembarking, Maggie had been temporarily separated from James and the boys. A member of the cabin crew had kindly offered to escort her or, to be more precise, Harvey, through the throng of arrivals towards a security door and the great outdoors so the dog could relieve himself. Travelling by plane wasn’t something he was either used to or enjoyed but he had been impeccably well-behaved and made the most of all the fuss and attention showered on him by the cabin crew and passengers alike.