Where Love Grows (16 page)

They could just as easily leave his buggy here. Her house was within walking distance. But his last whispered words had been “I'm getting my buggy,” just before she had smiled at Teresa, giving her another hug before slipping out of the barn.

That Thomas was driving her home instead of walking wasn't a problem. It was the look on his face that was troublesome. All evening he had been that way. Even when he laughed at the right places, Susan knew something had changed. But what exactly?

Girls with their bonnets pushed back moved past her, climbing into the halted buggies. Most of the horses held their heads high, occasionally rearing back on their hind feet before the driver loosened the reins and calmed them.

Could it be the girl Thomas had been talking to this afternoon? She was up to no good. Or perhaps it was Thomas who was up to no good—just as he'd been up to no good the evening she'd caught him kissing Eunice. But this time she was going to trust Thomas until she knew otherwise. That was what
Mamm
and her sisters would say to do, and they were right. There was probably a perfectly logical explanation. This time she wasn't going to fly off the handle. She was going to keep her emotions in check.

Through the shadows Susan caught sight of Thomas's buggy approaching. At least his horse didn't have that dashing streak his master had. Freddy was unexcitable and calm—descriptions that would feel
gut
when used to describe a man. Maybe those qualities would filter down to the horse's driver someday.

Thomas, of course, didn't like his horse. He was always complaining about how slow Freddy was. So what did Thomas want? A horse like James drove—high strung and able to pass every buggy on the road. But a body couldn't always have what he wanted. For one thing, such a horse wasn't what Susan wanted. And Thomas seemed set on having her in his life.

“Hi again,” Susan said as she climbed up into the dark buggy. Thomas's familiar form took shape as she settled into the seat.

“Turning a little chilly tonight,” he said, letting out the reins.

Freddy started forward, shaking his head. Thomas slapped the reins hard on his back. Freddy jerked his head up but didn't increase his speed.

“Summer's about over,” Susan offered. “I should have brought my shawl.”

“Getup!” Thomas shouted through the open window, but again he got no better response.

“I like your horse,” she told him. “Freddy has a calming influence in an unstable world.”

Thomas laughed. “How do you figure that? I'd give a lot for a decent horse, but I can't afford one yet. Plus
Daett
says the high strung ones are harder to keep.”

“I still like him. I always have.”

“Well, I don't, and I'm the one who drives him.”

“I think you ought to be thankful for what you have,” Susan said. “Look at us. We're both older, past the age when most young people wed. It's time to settle down, and a decent horse will fit right into the plan.”

“Look whose talking now!” he snapped. “You were the one who threw things up in the first place. If it had been up to me, we'd already be married and settled on your parents' place.”

“So you don't think you had anything to do with our breakup?”

“Please, Susan, do we have to argue about this? I'm tired tonight.”

“So you don't want to hear that I'm finally planning to join the baptismal class? I thought you would be glad to hear that.”

He sighed. “I thought that was a given, Susan.”

“I said I was
thinking
about it before. I never said I would for sure. And the way you were acting this afternoon with that girl who was visiting has me troubled. I'm trying not to say anything about it, but I can't help it.”

“So you're worried about me and a girl again?”

“So you noticed?”

“I saw you giving her evil glances all evening.”

“Thomas, I didn't. That is your guilty conscience seeing things.”

“And why should I be feeling guilty about talking to Wilma?”

“Oh, so that's her name. I saw you talking to her this afternoon at my house. All cuddly and cozy on the couch.”

He slapped the reins and stared into the darkness.

“Do you have anything to say about that?”

Thomas was silent. Finally he said, “Susan, I think you're right.”

“About what?”

“About Wilma. And maybe about a lot of other things. To tell you the truth, I'm tired of all this back-and-forth stuff with you. I'm tired of you bringing up Eunice time after time. You'd probably even bring it up after we married! I can almost hear it the first time I might come home late from a trip into town. I'm ready to call it quits. I think meeting Wilma and having fun with someone who wasn't suspecting me of anything did me good. Made me think of some things I should have thought of a long time ago.”

“You're dumping me, Thomas? Is that it?”

“See what I mean? You'll always be putting the blame on me.”

Freddy shook his head, glancing over his shoulder before turning into the Hostetler lane. Thomas stopped by the house but made no effort to get out. The silence stretched between them while Susan gathered her thoughts.

“Will you explain yourself better, Thomas? I've been trying to make this work. I don't want to act like I did the time I caught you with Eunice. Maybe there is some
gut
reason you were talking with that girl, with Wilma.”

He sighed. “There's no reason
you'd
ever call
gut
. I really think we should part in peace, Susan. If we got married, you'd be doing it because it's expected, not because you really want to. And I'd be doing the same thing. Sure, I want to take over your
daett
's farm. Learn to run the place like your father does. Such a life would be wonderful—at least I've always dreamed it would be. But perhaps I've been wrong. Or perhaps there are other things I want more. I think I need to stop pretending.”

“You've been pretending that you like me?”

“No, I didn't mean it to sound like that. You're a wonderful girl, Susan. You'll make someone a wonderful
frau
someday. But not me. You're too good for me, Susan. I guess it's time I admitted it.”

“Please, Thomas. I'm not saying anything like that. I just don't want you looking at other girls like Eunice and now Wilma. Not while you're seeing me. And certainly not after we're married.”

Thomas looked away. “I'm sorry about Wilma, but it came so easily. She was so much fun to be with this afternoon. It left me wishing you and I had that.”

“But we had it once, Thomas. You know we did. You had my heart back in our schooldays...and a long time after. I mooned over you like the lovesick girl I was. Maybe I overreacted by running out to the
Englisha
world when you kissed Eunice, but I'm trying to do better…to not jump to conclusions. And I know we can make this work. Especially with Teresa and James as an example. It's their wedding day, Thomas. Let's not let anything get between us tonight.”

“Susan, please.” He touched her arm. “I'm sorry, but I can't do this anymore. We can't go on like this. I'm too tired of trying.”

“So it
is
Wilma?”

He looked off into darkness before answering. “I don't know. Maybe. I might as well be honest with myself and you this time. Perhaps it will turn out differently with Wilma than it did with Eunice. Wilma's a wonderful girl, Susan.”

Susan bit her lip and reached for the side of the buggy. She climbed down and waited a moment, listening for the sound of his voice calling her back. But Thomas said nothing.

“Good night,” he finally said as Susan moved toward the house. “And I really am sorry.”

Susan held back the tears as she walked across the lawn.

He called softly after her, “Susan! I really am sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you.”

Without looking back, Susan pushed open the washroom door and stepped in, knocking her knee against the wooden leg of the bench. She cried out in the darkness. With tears pouring down her face, she found the kitchen door, opened it, and went inside. Throwing her shawl on the floor, Susan collapsed into a chair. She wept hard but silently as the light of the kerosene lamp above her played on the walls and on her white
kapp.

Soft footsteps approached.
Mamm
's voice came to her softly. “What's wrong, Susan?”

“Thomas just dumped me—and on Teresa's wedding night.”

“Oh, Susan, I'm so sorry.”
Mamm
's arm came around her shoulder.

“He was talking with another girl this afternoon. And right in our house!”

“Now, now,”
Mamm
said. “Perhaps it's not all that bad. You've been through this before.”

“But this time it's truly the end. Thomas is already thinking of another girl. Why does this have to happen?”

Mamm
sighed. “You always were such a high-strung girl, Susan. You take things so much harder than some of the other girls did.”

“How am I supposed to take this?” Susan lifted her head. “My boyfriend from my schooldays, the one I imagined all these years I would spend the rest of my life with, turns out to be a flirting twerp who says I'm wonderful but can't keep from wishing he was seeing someone else. Are all men like this?” Susan looked up at her
mamm
's face.

Mamm
hesitated before answering, “They aren't, Susan. You know they aren't.”

When Susan said nothing,
Mamm
drew her close. “Susan, please. I know you're taking this—whatever happened with Thomas again—hard. You're that way, I know. Your
daett
is a man, and he isn't like Thomas. He has loved us for many years now.”

Susan groaned. “I think the whole world is nothing but a bunch of rotten people. If I didn't know any better, I'd go running back to Asbury Park again. But what a joke that was. All the good that happened is I brought home Teresa, who thinks we're all sweeter than summer's honey. She doesn't think anyone in the entire community could ever be bad.”

“Teresa has had plenty of her own troubles, Susan. You know she has. But I'm glad to hear you're not leaving us again, even if you think it's over with Thomas.”

“It is over,
Mamm
. This time it really is. I can't seem to find a boy who loves me.”

Mamm
touched her shoulder. “You'll find love again, Susan. You're too wonderful a girl not to. If you don't want Thomas, we'll stop insisting you see him. How your
daett
will handle this, I don't know. I guess he can keep Steve over for another season.”

Susan got to her feet. “So what is
Daett
going to do about the farm? This will affect him a lot.”

“I don't know. But don't worry about the farm. We can sell it, I guess. Keep a few acres for the
dawdy haus
.”

“I'm sorry,
Mamm
. I tried but it didn't work out.”

“I know, Susan. And now what you need is a good night's sleep. We have plenty to do tomorrow with cleaning up after the wedding.”

Susan stood up and hugged her
mamm
. They walked to the stairway door and then parted ways. Susan found her way up the steps in the darkness, running her hands along the wall until she found the doorknob to her bedroom. She climbed into bed weeping bitter tears and thinking about Thomas. And about James and Teresa. They would be lying tonight in each other arms. Why couldn't she find that kind of love?

T
he morning after the wedding, the chores were done and breakfast had been served an hour before. The sun was climbing into the sky. Out in the yard, Menno and Steve were loading the last of the collapsible benches into the black church wagon. Standing back when they were done, they surveyed the empty barn.