Where Love Has Gone (42 page)

The defiant look came into her eyes that I’d learned to recognize. “Would you like to know what we were doing when Mother found us, Daddy?” she asked. “Would you?”

I didn’t answer.

“We were both naked in bed. He was lying down and I was on my hands and knees. Do you know what I mean, Daddy? I was trying to make it so he’d want me again and I wouldn’t have to go.”

I began to feel sick inside. It must have shown on my face, because the defiance crept into her voice now.

“You know what I mean, Daddy, don’t you!” she said softly. “But you don’t like to think it. Not even to yourself. You still like to think that I’m the same little girl you left six years ago. Well, I’m not. You don’t like to think that I know about such things—all the ways there are to do it. But I do. You don’t like to think that your little girl would do all those things. But I did.”

Her voice began to rise slightly and a faint hint of tears came into her eyes. “And I did them over and over and over. As many times as I could!”

She was staring into my eyes and the knots in my stomach were growing tighter and tighter. “You don’t like to hear that, do you, Daddy?”

I didn’t answer. I couldn’t.

“Mother came in through your old room. Remember how you used to come from your room into mine? That was the way she came. Only that room is Rick’s now—was Rick’s. She pulled me off the bed and dragged me down the hall to my room and locked me in. I was crying. I told her Rick and I were going to get married, but she wouldn’t listen to me. I’d never seen her so angry before.

“Then she went downstairs to the studio and I stayed on the bed until I heard Rick’s door open. I heard his footsteps on the staircase and I knew that he was going down to talk to her. I got dressed as quickly as I could and I left my room through the bathroom, which Mother had forgotten to lock.

“I crept downstairs as silently as I could. I heard Charles and Violet in the kitchen, on the other

side of the house. Then I stole down the hallway and stood outside the studio door, listening. I could hear almost every word they said.

“I heard Mother tell Rick he had just one hour to get out of the house. Then Rick said that he had enough on both of us to tell the whole world what whores we were. Mother told him that if he didn’t leave he’d wind up in jail for—” she stumbled over the word—“statutory rape.”

There was a rustle in the court.

“I heard Mother laugh then, and say that she’d expected something like that from him, how much did he want? And Tony laughed too. That was more like it, he said. Fifty thousand dollars. Mother told him he was crazy, that ten thousand dollars was all she’d give him. Twenty-five then, he said. ‘All right,’ I heard Mother say. And then I went crazy!”

The tears came into her eyes and began to spill down her cheeks. “I went real crazy! All I could think of was that she was doing it again. The same thing she did with everybody that I liked. The same thing she did with everyone who liked me. She was sending Tony away!

“I pushed open the door and screamed at her. ‘You can’t do it,’ I screamed. ‘You can’t send him away!’ Mother looked at me and told me to go back upstairs to my room. I looked at Rick and he told me to do what my mother said.

“Then I noticed the chisel on the table near the door. I picked it up and ran at Mother. ‘You can’t send him away,’ I shouted. ‘I’ll kill you first!’

“I raised my arm and struck at Mother, but like from nowhere Rick was suddenly between us, the chisel sticking out of his stomach. He stood there, put his hands to his stomach. ‘Jesus Christ, Dani, why did you have to go and do a stupid thing like that?’ he said. Then I saw the blood coming out between his fingers and I ran past him to Mother screaming. ‘I didn’t mean to do it! I didn’t mean to do it, Mommy!’

“‘I know you didn’t, baby,’ she said softly, over and over. ‘I know you didn’t mean it.’

“She said we’d tell everyone that he had been hurting her, and that I’d done it to protect her. Then nobody need ever know what went on between Tony and me. She told me over and over, to make sure that I’d say the same things. Then I covered my face with my hands and the door opened and Charles came in.”

They were clinging together now, both crying. I stared at them. It was almost like looking at a stereopticon slide without the viewer. Like two separate pictures of the same person. They looked so much alike, the same tears rolling down their cheeks. Mother and daughter. One and the same.

It was almost as if I were mesmerized. Then, suddenly, it seemed as if the spell were broken.

Dani’s eyes were dry now, though Nora still wept.

“Now that you know the truth, Daddy,” she asked quietly, “do you feel better?’

I looked deep into her eyes. I don’t know what it was I saw there, but the knots in my stomach disappeared. I knew the truth. I don’t know how I knew it, because she still hadn’t told it, but it didn’t really matter now. Because this was the way Dani wanted it. Because this was the way it would have to be. And because I still knew deep inside that she hadn’t committed a murder.

The judge ordered a ten-minute recess. When he came back into the courtroom we all sat quietly while he gave his decision.

“It is the decision of this court that the State of California retain custody of the minor, Danielle Nora Corey, as recommended in the petition by the Probation Department. Therefore she is hereby remanded to the custody of the California Youth Authority and will be delivered by the probation officer to them at the Northern California Reception Center at Perkins, California, for the standard diagnostic period of six weeks. Then, at the end of that time, and with their agreement, she will be transferred to Los Guilicos School at Santa Rosa, California, where she will undergo rehabilitation as proscribed for a period of not less than six months. At that time the court will consider the petition to remand her into the custody of the maternal grandmother which is now must reluctantly deny.

“The minor, Danielle Nora Carey, is hereby declared a ward of the State of California until she reaches the legal age of eighteen or until she is so discharged by this court. The parents of this minor are hereby instructed to make arrangements with the Probation Department to pay to the State of California the sum of forty dollars per month for each month the minor remains in custody of the State.”

The judge rapped the desk with the gavel, then turned to Dani. “Los Guilicos, Danielle, is a very fine school, and if you behave yourself and show that you are making every effort to redeem yourself, you will have nothing to fear. If you cooperate with them, they will cooperate with you and try to return you to your home as soon as possible.”

We all rose and he passed majestically into his chambers.

“You will be able to visit Dani tomorrow,” Miss Spicer said as she led Dani to the door and opened it. Dani looked back at us for a moment, then went through. The door closed.

Nora began to cry. Dr. Weidman put an arm about her and she leaned her head against his shoulder as they started out.

Gordon came over to me. He was smiling. “Well, it didn’t turn out so badly after all.” I stared at him.

He looked at me sharply. “He could have put her in custody of the state the full time, until she was eighteen. This way there’s a good chance she’ll be out in six to eight months.”

I didn’t answer as he walked after Nora.

Then an old hand pressed against mine. The old lady looked into my eyes. There was an understanding in her own. “Thank you for everything you tried to do, Luke,” she said gently. “I’ll try to take care of her when she comes home.”

“I know you will, Mrs. Hayden. I’m sorry. About Nora, I mean.”

“It’s all over now, Luke. We all did everything we could. Goodbye. And good luck.” “Thank you.”

She went on out into the corridor. I looked up the staircase. They had all disappeared. I hesitated just a moment, then went down the corridor and around the hallway to the girls’ probation office.

Miss Spicer was at her desk when I got there.

“I have to go back to Chicago this afternoon,” I said. “Could I see Dani now instead of tomorrow?”

“I’ll see if Dani wants to see you,” she said politely and left the office.

I just had enough time to light a cigarette before she was back with Dani. “You can talk in here,” she said. “I’ll wait outside.”

The door closed behind her. I held out my arms and my daughter came into them. “I’m sorry, Daddy,” she said.

“It’s all right, Dani,” I said softly. “It took me a long time to get it, but now I understand.”

She looked up into my face. “You don’t hate her so much that you’d want to see her in the gas chamber, do you?”

“No, Dani,” I said. “I don’t hate her at all now. Not anymore. I used to be afraid of her but now I just feel sorry for her.”

“She’s always got to have somebody who loves her more than anyone else, Daddy. Everybody does. You have your wife. She loves you more than anyone else.”

“And your mother has you, Dani.”

Her eyes were suddenly shining. “Someday maybe you can come and visit me. Or I can come and visit you.”

“Someday,” I said.

The door opened. “I’m sorry, Dani, but the time is up.”

Dani reached up and kissed me on the cheek. “You’ll write to me, Daddy?” I kissed her forehead. “I’ll write to you, baby.”

I watched her walk down the hall, her tiny heels with their metal taps clicking against the floor.

Then they turned a corner and Dani was gone.

Goodbye, Dani. Goodbye, my little red-faced baby. I remember the day you were born. I remember how I looked inside the glass window and you wrinkled up your tiny face and cried and how I was all busted and fractured inside because I knew that you were mine and I was yours and you were the most wonderful baby in the world.

Wherever love has gone, it goes with you.

It was nine thirty that night when the big jet touched down at O’Hare Airport in Chicago. The cool air came rushing into the cabin as the door sprang open. I was the first one off. I had no time to be polite. I wondered if Elizabeth had gotten my wire.

I almost ran across the field to the unfinished arrival building. I didn’t see her at first, there were so many people around. Then I did, waving and smiling and crying all at once.

I ran to her and the world stopped shaking, the pains all vanished. I held her very close. “I love

you and I missed you,” I said. “And I missed you and I love you.”

Then we went over and I picked up my bag and we went out to the car. I opened the rear door to put in my luggage and saw another bag there. I turned to her.

She grinned at me. “Oh, didn’t I tell you? We have to go to the hospital from here.” “You mean now?”

“Now!”

“Why didn’t you say something?” I yelled. “Instead of wasting all that time. Hurry! Get into the

car!”

“You don’t have to rush. There’s time yet. The pains are only coming about once every hour.”

She looked up at the big electric Benrus over the parking lot entrance. “As a matter of fact, there should be one right about now.”

“Don’t stand there then!” I shouted. “Get into the car.”

She just sat down when it hit her. I saw her face to white and tense, then it passed and her color came flooding back. “See, it wasn’t so bad.”

We made it to St. Joseph’s in nothing flat. The police must all have been out to dinner.

We went in and they took her right upstairs. Fifteen minutes later she was on the rolling table and they were shipping her up to the labor room.

I stood in front of the elevator and looked down at her. Her face was pale but she was smiling. “Don’t look so worried,” she said. “We Swedes don’t make trouble. We just make babies.”

I bent over and kissed her. “You just make sure you’re all right.”

The doors opened and the nurse began to push her into the elevator. “I’ll be all right. Just look out for yourself. Don’t go getting into any trouble now, hear?”

“I hear,” I said as the doors closed.

I walked down the corridor to the room they called The Club. There were several other expectant fathers there. They looked up as I came into the doorway. I took one look around and went back outside. I didn’t feel much like sitting with them. They looked too grim.

I went downstairs and bought another pack of cigarettes. I lit one and puffed a few times, the put it out. I walked down the corridor.

I walked back upstairs to The Club. Even those grim faces were better than nobody. “Nine hours I been here already,” one man said to me as I sat down.

“Yeah,” I said, lighting a cigarette. I looked around the room. All the stock cartoons were on the wall—“We haven’t lost a father yet.” Very funny.

A nurse came into the doorway and all our faces turned toward her as if we were puppets. “Mr.

Carey?” she asked.

“That’s me,” I said, getting to my feet. I felt kind of lightheaded.

“Of all the damn luck,” I heard the man mutter. “I been here nine hours an’ he’s only been here

five minutes!”

The nurse heard him too for she smiled as she walked toward me. “That’s right,” she nodded. “You’re a very lucky man… .”

Jann’s Notes

Ayn Rand, author of
Fountainhead
and
Atlas Shrugged,
was quoted as saying, “Harold Robbins has the most cinematic eye of any author I have ever read. He makes the reader feel he is in the room where the scene takes place.”

Harold Robbins was quoted when discussing his writing with a group of students at NYU, “for me, the goal is always to make the page disappear and speak to my reader face to face as each character comes to life …” Over 750 million readers have had that most intimate experience with Harold Robbins.

After the tremendous success of
79 Park Avenue
as a book, it was brought to life in a mini-series in 1977. It was the most highly rated mini-series of its time, starring Leslie Anne Warren, and was scheduled for a sequel. Unfortunately, the star opted not to play the leading role and we never discovered the conclusion of
79 Park Avenue
. Maybe the “madam for the elite … the rich and famous politicos, celebrities, diplomats, billionaires” will once again appear to tell us her final chapter.