Where Secrets Lie (10 page)

She almost called out for Katie to go wake up their mother, but another flow started, and she gritted her teeth against the cramp that accompanied it. When it ended, she could see pieces in the toilet that looked like clots of blood. She flushed the water and did not look into the bowl again.

She pulled a bath towel off the rack on the wall, rolled it into a tight cylinder, and laid it against her stomach. She placed her forearms on the towel and leaned over, which forced the towel to press against the waves of cramps that continued to rack her body.

Sara shut her eyes and willed the sun to come up and, with its rise, bring her mother to her side.

~

Lee situated another pillow beneath Sara’s head.

“
How’s that, honey?”

“
It’s good, Mom.”

Sara was ensconced in her bed with every imaginable whim within her reach. The novel she was reading and her favorite magazines lay next to her on the bed along with the remote control for the television, which usually resided in her parents’ bedroom. A steaming cup of chicken broth, a glass of apple juice, and a plate of saltines were on the nightstand as well as a dainty antique silver table bell, which Lee always gave to them whenever they were sick.

Lee had discovered the bell at a flea market when the girls were still quite young. They were supposed to ring it when they wanted to call for her, but Lee was so adept at anticipating their needs that they rarely got the chance to use it.

Lee kissed Sara on the forehead. “Use the bell if you want anything, I’ll be downstairs.”

“
Ok, thanks.”

Sara was sore from the day’s ordeal, but mostly, she was tired and dazed. That morning, when the sun was just starting to come up, she called out for Katie to wake up their mother. Lee took one look at Sara and whisked her to the hospital without hesitation.

Jack wanted to drive them, but Lee thought it would be better for Katie to go about her day as usual and not be privy to details about what was happening with Sara. They told Katie that Sara needed to see a doctor because her period was abnormally heavy. Jack stayed home and got her off to school. Lee promised to call him as soon as she had news.

The entire drive there, Lee spoke to Sara in a soothing tone although Sara had no recollection afterward what words Lee uttered. Sara felt lightheaded the whole time and found it impossible to focus on what her mother was saying, so she closed her eyes and allowed her mind to drift. No matter what happened now, her mother would take care of it.

Once they arrived at the hospital, Lee took a hold of Sara’s hand and never let it go. She held onto it when she filled out those annoying forms they gave her on a clipboard, while they sat stranded in the uncomfortable waiting room chairs, and throughout the eventual examination that confirmed Sara had indeed miscarried.

Of course, Sara already knew that’s what happened, knew it that morning when she was alone in the bathroom. Even so, the doctor’s acknowledgement stunned her. She sat on the exam table with her mother holding fast to her hand, watched while the doctor and her mother conversed, and didn’t hear a single word they said. She didn’t cry. She didn’t think. She stared straight ahead, motionless and numb.

~

There was a quick tap on Sara’s half-opened bedroom door, and Anne appeared in the doorway.

“
Your mother said I should just come up.”

“
Sure, come on in.”

Sara moved to the middle of the bed. Anne dropped her backpack on the floor and sat on the bed next to Sara.

“
So what happened to you? I was worried when you didn’t show up at school.”

“
Oh, my mom had to take me to the doctor. Heavy period, no biggie.” That wasn’t so hard after all.

“
So you’re ok?”

“
Yeah, sure.”

“
What’d the doctor say?”

“
I can’t remember exactly, some medical gibberish. They gave me pills and told me to rest through the weekend.” At least most of that was true.

“
So you’ll be back to school on Monday?”

“
Yep.”

“
That’s good cause it’s really boring there without you.”

Anne reached into her backpack and pulled out some papers.

“
I brought your assignments. I knew you’d freak out if you missed anything.”

“
Thanks, Anne.”

Sara started flipping through the pages.

“
Sure, I can’t vouch for Spanish though. I had to ask Janet since she’s the only kid I know who’s in that class with you, but you know how flaky she is.”

“
I’m sure it’s ok.”

Sara continued to look through the assignments, grateful for the distraction. Anne got fidgety.

“
Well, your mother said I shouldn’t stay too long.”

Anne got up and gave Sara a quick hug.

“
I’ll bring your class stuff again tomorrow.”

“
Ok, that’ll be great.”

Anne grabbed her backpack and left. About fifteen minutes later, Jack poked his head into the room.

“
Mind if I come in?”

“
Of course not, Dad.”

Jack pulled a flower arrangement out from behind his back.

“
I thought this might cheer you up.”

“
Thanks, Dad, those are really pretty.”

Jack looked around the room.

“
Where do you think I should put them?” he asked.

They both glanced at the overflowing nightstand.

“
The dresser’s good,” Sara said.

Jack put the arrangement on the dresser next to the television and pulled the chair from Sara’s desk over to the bed.

“
So, how’re you feeling, honey?”

“
Pretty good.”

“
I’m glad to hear that. Can I bring you anything?”

“
I think Mom’s got everything covered.”

Jack grinned. “Yes, I suppose she does.”

There was a knock at the door.

“
Come in,” Sara said.

Brian entered the bedroom.

Jack stood up. “I’ll let you two visit.”

“
Dad, you don’t have to leave.”

Brian stayed near the door.

“
I need to get back to work anyway. I just wanted to check in and make sure you were all right.”

Jack kissed Sara’s forehead.

“
I’ll see you when I get home tonight, ok honey?”

“
Sure, Dad.”

Jack patted Brian on the shoulder when he walked past him. He left the door ajar.

Brian sat on the chair Jack had vacated. He leaned forward, so his forearms rested on his knees, and his hands dangled down. He dropped his head and looked up at Sara.

“
My mother told me you had a miscarriage, is it true?”

Sara nodded.

“
I didn’t know what to think. I was afraid they were just telling me that to cover up an abortion.”

“
No, it wasn’t an abortion.”

“
I’m glad. After she didn’t tell me about talking to your mother…”

“
Did she explain that?”

“
She said she was waiting for my father to get home so they could talk to me together. She didn’t realize your mother was going to set everything up so quickly.”

“
I guess that makes sense.”

“
I’m just glad she told me the truth about this.”

Sara nodded. Too bad she hadn’t found a way to do the same.

“
I’m sorry, Brian.”

“
About what?”

“
Everything.”

“
It’s not your fault, you didn’t do anything wrong.”

Sara’s eyes teared. If Brian caught even a glimpse of the depth of her betrayal, he would never be able to look at her again.

~

A couple of months ago, winter still held them in its frosty grip even though the calendar declared spring was almost upon them, so Sara took her book to the Triangle. She read there for almost an hour before Seth showed up. He was beaming.

“
You sure do look happy,” Sara said.

“
That’s an understatement.”

“
Well, don’t keep me in suspense. What gives?”

“
I got the internship!”

“
At the ranch?”

“
Yep.” Seth gave an excited nod.

“
Oh my God, Seth, that’s awesome.”

Sara jumped up from her chair and hugged him. Seth picked her up and twirled her around. Sara laughed. When Seth put her down, they broke their embrace, but Seth held onto Sara’s arms near the elbow.

“
I knew you’d be happy for me.”

“
Of course, I am.”

“
I couldn’t wait to tell you. You were the first person I thought of.”

“
I’m glad, it’s really great news, Seth.”

“
It is, isn’t it?”

“
Yeah, it really is.”

The next thing Sara knew, they were kissing. One of Seth’s hands slid into her hair. The other moved to the small of her back and pressed her to him. When she felt his tongue, hers responded of its own accord.

Sara was in a dreamlike state, aware and yet disbelieving. The intensity of the moment entranced her. Without hesitation, she surrendered to the impulse to allow Seth to guide them wherever he chose to go.

When he pulled her with him to the floor, she offered no resistance. Her body sank into the contours of his. As he ran his hands along the length of her, uncovering and exploring her bare skin, she pressed herself against him and matched his movements.

This is real, resounded in her head. This is real.

~

In her bedroom, the day of her miscarriage, Brian reached for Sara’s hand and held it tightly. Sara closed her eyes, and her body went rigid. With his touch, she felt the keenness of her betrayal, and a surge of accompanying guilt. She did not want to hurt Brian by pulling away, but it took all her willpower to refrain.

There was a light tap on the open door, and Katie came into the room.

“
Mom said I should come up and keep you company.”

Brian stood up. “I guess I better go.”

“
Ok,” Sara said.

Brian turned toward the door. “I’ll come by tomorrow.”

“
You don’t have to do that.”

Brian’s head snapped around. Sara could see she’d wounded him, and she tried to temper it.

“
I think I’ll be too tired, I’d be lousy company.”

“
I’ll call then.”

Sara gave him a slight nod. Maybe she could handle that.

Once Brian left, Katie pushed the chair aside and crawled onto the bed with Sara. They lay side by side on their backs, and Katie placed her hand, palm upward, on Sara’s thigh. Sara laid her palm against Katie’s, and their fingers intertwined.

“
I was scared for you,” Katie said.

“
I’m sorry.”

“
I wish I could’ve gone with you.”

“
Me, too.”

Sara knew Lee would never allow that. Lee quarantined them during mishaps as though the events were infectious, and she alone was immune. Although the sisters always managed to reconnect, they never dared to breach their mother’s protective borders, even in her absence.

“
Mom told me you were there a long time,” Katie said.

“
Yeah, I was.”

“
Did it hurt?”

“
No, not much.”

“
And you feel better now?”

“
I do.”

“
Whatever was wrong… it’s not coming back, is it?”

Sara’s eyes teared. “Nope, it’s gone for good.”

“
I’m glad.”

Sara squeezed Katie’s hand. “Let’s watch some TV.” She reached for the remote.

~

Sara returned to school and tried to behave as though nothing had changed when, in reality, nothing would ever be the same. Even though she and Brian continued to date, her heart was no longer in it. Whether Brian was aware of her sins or not, she had still committed them, and she was not willing to harm him further by confessing them now. Her culpability was her burden to bear alone.

Although she had only been with Seth once, it marked the end of their friendship. Sara was overcome with guilt, and the only way she saw to atone for it was to ensure nothing like that ever happened again. She never returned to the Triangle, and she avoided Seth whenever possible.

It was a couple of weeks before she ran into him, and when she did, he tried to engage her in conversation as though nothing between them had changed. When Sara remained distant, Seth went with the flow and left her alone. She never even considered informing him of her pregnancy.

Initially, Sara decided to tell Brian about the possibility he was not her baby’s father. However, when Brian started talking about getting married and getting through it all together, Sara gave in to her fear of being pregnant alone and kept quiet. She rationalized her baby was likely Brian’s since she had only been with Seth the one time, and she glossed over the fact Seth had not used a condom.