Where There's Smoke (17 page)
"Busy day yesterday prying teenagers out of the brand new cars they insisted on wrapping around trees. Sleeping now."
"Alone?” She wanted to slap her hand over her mouth the second she heard the word aloud.
Seth's sleepy gaze sharpened. “Yes, alone. Want to check?” He stepped back and gestured toward the bedroom. “Is that why you came over instead of called?"
"No. I-I—” Lauren had little experience backpedaling. “I'm sorry."
"I know what made you say it. You don't trust me."
"I found this.” She reached in her coat pocket and pulled out the slip of paper.
Seth paled, a sure sign of guilt. “Where did you get that?"
Lauren's heart split right in two on the spot. “The question is where did you get it? It was in my lamp. The one you gave me for Christmas."
"It couldn't—she must've...” He glanced over his shoulder.
Was she in there? Fury welled up in Lauren until she realized he was looking at his jacket near the door. He walked over to it, pulled a slip of paper out of the pocket, showed it to her, a duplicate of the paper she'd found. The girl had wanted to make sure he had her number, to give it to him twice. How could one little paper cause so much pain?
"Did you call her?” She hated how her voice came out, all weak and needy. She'd vowed to never need a man again. And Seth ... he'd seen what she'd gone through when Eddie cheated on her. How could he do this?
"No, I didn't call her. She was just a salesclerk.” The admission from his own lips hurt more than the paper, and standing was suddenly a struggle. She didn't want to look at him, no matter how contrite he looked. “I swear, Lauren, the only thing I did wrong was not tell her I had a girlfriend. I swear it."
"Why didn't you?"
He stepped back and opened the door wider, dragging one hand through his hair. So he was upset. Good. So was she. “Come on in."
She hesitated. “I'm not sure—"
"Lauren, there are some things we need to talk about."
She nodded and walked past him into the apartment. Those words were never a good sign, especially when accompanied by the panicked look in Seth's eyes.
She steeled herself. This was going to be bad.
Childishly she thought she shouldn't have come over, but to be honest, she knew that decision only advanced the inevitable by a few days. He didn't sit and she got the impression he didn't want her to, either. She could be contrary and sit anyway, but she might want to beat a hasty retreat.
Let him start. He had more experience, and she needed her energy to shield herself. She was not going to cry.
"The thing is, Lauren—"
"Oh, no.” She held her hands out. “Don't do this like you do the others. It's me, Lauren. Do it quick, like a Band-aid."
He had the grace to look sad. “Okay, here it is. I can't do this."
She dropped her hands to her sides and turned away, fiddling with the dusty top of his lamp; anything not to look at him while he broke her heart. “Which this?"
"Us this.” He flipped a finger between them.
"Because everyone knows?"
He made a noise and nodded, looking at the floor. “Partly. It's not making it easy."
"Did my dad say something?” What was she doing, stopping him? If he wanted to leave her, she needed to let him go, not find ways to make him stay. She wouldn't keep his love that way.
"Yeah, but ... look, Lauren, I'd already decided this before that night at the hospital."
That punched all the breath from her. He'd decided. If she hadn't hurt so much she would have railed against the lopsidedness of the conversation, but she couldn't even take a deep breath, much less form a riposte. How could this hurt so much?
"I'm no good for you, Lauren. I haven't got it in me to be faithful to you, and I don't want us to end like that. Like Eddie."
Her knees gave out and she dropped to the couch, her head in her hands. She would not cry, she would not cry. She gathered herself using every ounce of pride she possessed. “You're basing this on your reaction to one girl,” she finally managed. Were there other phone numbers hidden away somewhere?
"This time, yeah, but geez, Lauren, you know.” He walked around the breakfast bar, braced his hands against it. “You've chewed my ass enough times. I've never been able to stay faithful to anyone. It's only a matter of time before I cheat on you, too."
Unless he loved her enough. Which clearly he didn't. She looked up and he didn't look away. “Did you cheat on me?"
"No! No, God, no.” He walked around the bar, dropped to his knees and put his hands on her lap. “No. Do you believe me?"
She looked into his dark eyes, those eyes she loved, searching for betrayal and finding only sorrow. “I want to."
"Believe me, Lauren. I just—it's just a matter of time before I hurt you."
She laughed roughly. “We already jumped that hurdle."
"You know what I mean. It's better this way."
She would not beg, she would not argue. She'd humiliated herself that way with Eddie. She wouldn't repeat the mistake with Seth. If he wanted it over, she'd walk away. As soon as she could stand up.
She nodded and sat back, wiping her hands on her thighs and avoiding his eyes. “All right. All right.” She took a deep breath, waited for him to move back before she stood. “I d-don't w-want to see you for awhile, okay?"
"Fair enough.” He crossed the room, hands deep in his pockets. “Are you okay?"
"I'll be fine.” But she didn't know how she could be when she didn't even have a best friend anymore. “I'll leave it to you to tell your family. I'll tell my dad."
"Wait!” Seth hated to see her like this, crushed. He hadn't seen her this way since Eddie, and even then, it hadn't seemed so bad. He never thought he'd hurt her like this. Maybe he'd jumped the gun here. He surely thought the earlier they split up the less painful it would be, but that wasn't proving to be true. Maybe he was wrong. But it was too late to undo what he had done.
"Let's hold off on telling everyone,” he said.
"Why?” She whipped her hair back to glare. His gut clenched when he saw tears in her eyes. “In case we get back together?"
"No, I mean—if we just keep away from everyone, no one will have to know. They just found out we're together, and the very next time we're not. It might be confusing."
"Imagine that.” She folded her arms over her stomach.
"You know what I mean."
"So you want them to have time to get used to the idea before you snatch the rug out from under them."
"I'm just saying, why go out of our way to explain it to them? They'll just try to get us back together, and I really don't want to deal with that, do you? You saw what Mom tried to do when your parents broke up. It was a disaster."
"But you're not my father and I'm not my mother."
"You think it would be any less painful?"
She looked up at him. “I'm not going to pretend to be your girlfriend because you're afraid of your family."
"We're not pretending, just avoiding."
Just when he thought she'd see it his way, she scowled. “This is about my dad, isn't it? Did he say something to you? Because I'll talk to him."
"It will be hard facing your dad,” he admitted. “But you know my mother once she gets an idea."
She shook her head. “What you're asking is too hard."
"No, it's not. All I'm asking you is to not tell anyone we broke up. I'm not asking you to throw yourself all over me, or even see me."
She leaned back against the door, one hand on the knob. “I guess I'm trying to figure out why you think I owe you anything."
That pulled him up short. “You don't. You don't owe me anything. It would make it easier on you.” And wouldn't make him look like a failure.
"I'll think about it,” she said, as she reached for the door.
"Are you going to be all right?” he asked softly.
She stopped but didn't look at him. “Just peachy. Good bye, Seth."
Lauren gripped the steering wheel and glanced in the rearview mirror at the gaily wrapped gift Sandra had sent to Valerie. Lauren had been driving it around for a week now, not wanting to see anyone, to explain why she cried at the drop of a hat, why her eyes were always shadowed even though she went to bed at eight every night. She couldn't tell anyone she lay awake missing Seth, wanting to hear his voice. Half the world thought they were still together, the other half never knew they had been.
She couldn't stand how locked up she'd become, ramming all her emotions down, not letting anyone see her true feelings, her true heartache. She should be used to it; she'd hid her feelings from Seth for years, but now that she'd released them, bottling them up again was too hard.
And now she had to face her mother, something she'd been avoiding, and Seth wouldn't be there to talk it over with when it ended, as it usually did, badly.
She pulled onto her mother's street and slowed. A familiar car was parked in the driveway behind Valerie's, but it didn't belong there.
Oscar's car.
If Oscar and Sandra intended to drop by, why did Sandra give the gift to Lauren instead of taking it herself? Would Sandra be upset that it had taken Lauren so long to make the delivery?
Lauren pulled up in front of the neighbor's house instead of in front of her mother's house, keeping Oscar's SUV between her and the front door. Something wasn't right here. Usually when Oscar and Sandra went someplace together, they took Sandra's sedan. Why would Oscar be here alone?
She was overreacting. Maybe Sandra's car was in the shop. Maybe Oscar had come to pick up something for her dad. She opened the car door, got the gift out of the back seat and headed for the house.
She balanced the gift—what was it, a lead box the size of a TV?—on one hip and rang the bell. Nothing. No sound coming from inside the house other than the echo of the bell. Strange. Two cars were in the driveway. Where had they gone?
She shifted the box and knocked. And waited some more. Finally, with a growl of aggravation, she set the box down and looked for the house key onto her key ring. She'd made it over here; she was not going to lug this gift around anymore. She'd leave it in the hallway and wouldn't deal with her mother. Everybody would be happy.
Just as she'd found the key, her mother swung open the door, breathless, eyes bright in welcome.
Weird.
"Lauren! So good to see you!” She leaned forward and gave Lauren a brisk hug, catching her off balance. Who the hell was this woman, and what had she done with her mother?
"I—brought you a present from Sandra and Oscar.” She motioned to the box on the porch. “But since Oscar's here..."
Her mother's smile grew even brighter. Something was going on. Valerie was too cheerful. “He just came over to pick up a few things for your dad."
Just as Lauren had thought. But before the relief set in, she asked, “Why didn't Dad just come get them?"
Valerie's smile faltered. “It's been hard, Lauren. He's been like an ostrich the past few years, burying his head. If he can't see it, it's not there. He's having a hard time adjusting."
Lauren was sure it was true, but she didn't see Mitch sending his best friend on an errand for him. Her dad was no coward. She took a closer look at her mother. As usual, her clothes and hair were impeccable, but the sparkle in her eyes, the puffiness of her lips—and was that whisker burn on her throat? Lauren had seen the picture often enough this past month, when she looked in the mirror. She recognized the look of a woman who'd been thoroughly loved.
Dear God.
Oscar came down the stairs then, smiling and carting a suitcase. Her mother's. Were they were going somewhere?
"I just came to get a few things for your dad,” he said, indicating the suitcase he set on the floor. Lauren winced at his overly friendly tone. Her skin crawled as she looked at the man she'd known all her life. Her mother's lover. Hadn't they ever heard the line about protesting too much?
"Nice of you,” Lauren managed. She turned back to the porch to drag in the gift Sandra had wrapped so nicely for Valerie, for the woman who was sleeping with Sandra's husband. Lauren was certain of the signs. She had experience with it, after all.
Her mother made some exclamation over the gift, something about, “shouldn't have,” but Lauren focused on the body language of the two. Her rational mind didn't want to believe this was true, but she couldn't deny the reality.
The two of them barely looked at each other, kept a careful distance. How long had this been going on? How long had they hidden their relationship from everyone? If Lauren hadn't dropped by in the middle of the day, their liaison would still be secret.
One Lauren would keep. How could she tell her father or Sandra? They would be destroyed, another family torn apart. Could she bring that about?
She hated her mother, hated Oscar. How could they be so selfish? She and Seth had been selfish, yes, but they hadn't had any other attachments. They hadn't hurt anyone else. If anyone found out about Valerie and Oscar, how many lives would be affected?
Valerie opened the box to find a kitchen appliance of some sort, and she exclaimed over it as if Sandra had given her the Hope diamond. What an actress. Lauren swallowed back every accusation that sprang to her lips. Let them think they were fooling her. She needed time to process this revelation in any case.
"I'm sure Oscar will let his wife know how much you liked it,” she said, and saw the alarm flash in Valerie's eyes. How could Oscar tell Sandra without admitting he'd seen her? She'd let them worry about that. Now Lauren had to get out of here before the desire to lash out choked her.
"Going so soon?” Something between eagerness and desperation colored Valerie's voice.
Lauren backed out the door, every muscle, every tendon tensed to flee this horrible scene. “I have to get back to work."
"Will you be seeing Seth?” Now that was desperation in Oscar's voice.
"Not today.” And even if they were seeing each other, she couldn't tell him. What would Seth do if he knew Oscar was cheating on Sandra? “You'll probably see him before I do."
