Where Words Fail (11 page)

“Wh-what do you mean?” I felt the color drain from my face as I stumbled over the words. Losing my brother wasn’t something I really wanted to talk about, especially with him, but I guess it’s better to know what he wants than to have to assume for the rest of my life.

“Since I got sick and knew it was a possibility that I wasn’t going to make it through all this crap, I’ve been writing her letters. You know, different letters for different times in her life, but then I thought about it... If mom and dad knew they were going to die and asked what we would want them to do, you know what I’d say?” I shook my head. “I’d want to hear their voice again and see them talking to me... So every day I come in here for an hour and set up the video camera in the booth. Then I either read a letter I’ve written to her or I sing her a song. I record it on the camera and am putting it on disk for her to go along with the letters.”

I rushed back towards him and buried my face in his neck so he wouldn’t see my tears. Alex was by far one of the most amazing people ever. Coming from someone who knows what it’s like to lose the most important people in your life, he came up with the perfect way to let Izzy remember him. Alex’s hands slid up and down my back trying to comfort me as I sobbed.

After I settled down he showed me what he had been working on. There were
tons
of disks, all but a few had an envelope attached to it with Izzy’s name written on the front. All of them were encased in a large wooden box that held photos of everyone together as well.

“There’s some in there for you too, but they correspond with the disks for Izzy that they are attached to. I know I’m asking a lot of you Abby, and I know that I could always let her go with Cara’s parents, but I know you can do this. They agree with me and told me to let you know if you need them for anything they will be here in a heartbeat.”

“This is amazing, Alex. You are amazing.” Alex lifted his hand to my face and wiped the tears away that were streaming down my face.

“I just wish I could have done this for Izzy before Cara died too.”

What could I say to that? I was with him when Cara died. It was horrible, but unless you spend every day thinking about what’s going to happen when you die, you’ll never be as prepared for it as Alex is now.

Jameson

I’ve only been away from touring and music for seven hours, and I’m already having withdrawals. I’m not sure what I’m missing more, the music and the crowd or the fact that until a few days ago, it felt like I was part of a large family.

I miss the excitement of the day leading up to the show. I missed the screams of the fans. I missed horsing around with AJ and Jason. Those guys made me feel at home. They made me feel safe. Safe isn’t something I am used to. I think Abby is what I miss about the tour the most. After not seeing her in nine years, that small dose of her was like a hit to a junkie and left me craving more.

Growing up, the only time I felt safe was when I was with Abby. She always seemed to know when I needed her and was there for me. The day I met her I couldn’t keep my eyes off her. I felt crazy watching her pick up her stuff off the floor after some asshole knocked her in the head with his locker.

After staring at her for about ten times too long to be normal, I went over and helped her with the rest of her stuff. I didn’t know who she was or how old she was but based on the fact that she looked scared shitless, I would’ve put money on her being a freshman. Turns out I was right. She was beautiful. I started apologizing while helping her but when I finally looked at her, I lost every thought in my head. It was like she was hypnotizing me with her eyes. They were this deep emerald green color that left me stunned every time she looked at me. It’s crazy that they still have the same effect on me almost ten years later.

When I got off the plane, I headed straight to my mom’s house. She wouldn’t have forgiven me if I hadn’t. I told Abby the first night we went out that I was a mama’s boy... I wasn’t lying. I’d do anything for her. Hell I had to give Abby up to keep my mom safe. When I showed up, she swept me up in a hug so tight I could barely breathe.

What I didn’t expect when I showed up to my mother’s house was Evan and his current flavor of the month. Where I had trouble getting over one girl, Evan had trouble getting rid of his fast enough so he could get under the next one. He always told me after I left Abby that the quickest way to get over someone was to get under someone else.

He didn’t understand why I couldn’t move on. He never let himself get that close to anyone, which kept him from getting hurt like I did, so I guess I could see the appeal in his type of relationships. I tried it for a while after I left Abby behind, but my head was still so wrapped up in her I couldn’t get past it. Evan would keep his woman around for a few weeks, maybe a month or two but I couldn’t. I would keep them around for a night or two and send them away after that. No numbers, no feelings. It worked

I had gotten over my initial “Gunna kill Evan” feeling. I no longer thought he set this up on purpose. I was even wrong to think that he would put me through that. He finally sent Jan or Pam, I don’t remember her name, home and we helped mom cook dinner and we all talked.

Walking into my apartment, I realized how alone I felt now. There was nobody there to greet me when I walked through the door. Not even an animal to look forward to. I dropped my bags next to the door and sank into my couch and flipped the television on. A couch, a TV, a coffee table, a lamp, a dresser and a bed. That’s what was in my apartment. No plants, nothing personal was set out. All my photos were in a box in the bottom drawer of my dresser. Those were pretty much just photos of Abby and me and a few of Evan, my mom and me when we were younger.

I’m sitting here flipping mindlessly through channels trying to find something that catches my attention, but I can’t. I can’t because my mind constantly switches to Abby. What’s she doing right now? Is she ready to talk to me? Is she still mad at me?? Ugh, I’m such an idiot, of course she’s still mad at me. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s plotting my murder right now. Ok, maybe not murder, but I wouldn’t be surprised to get a call saying I was being a replaced.

Fuck it, I’m just going to text her.

Jameson-Just wanted to make sure you made it home safe.

I hit the send button after antagonizing over it for a good ten minutes. I hated not knowing what to say. I know what I want to say, but I’m not going to have that discussion over the phone let alone a text message. When my phone beeped to let me know I had a text my hands were shaking so bad I can hardly hold it.

Abby-Yup...

Awesome. I got a one word message. It might as well say ‘hey asshole, you’re fucking fired. Go kill yourself.’

Jameson-I’m glad you made it ok.

Abby-Huh imagine that... ur glad I’m ok... where was all ur concern 9 years ago... or even 3 wks ago... u couldn’t just leave well enough alone could u

Ouch... Yeah if I have a job after tomorrow I’ll be surprised.

Jameson-I’m so sorry Abby.

Abby-Fuck off asshole

Jameson-We need to talk about what happened Abby. Believe it or not I never meant to hurt you.

Abby-what part of that did you not understand?

Jameson-You said last night we could talk.

Abby-Yeah and like some people I know... I actually keep my promises but I have 2 much 2 deal with here to be able 2 deal with ur bullshit 2...

Jameson-Ok, I get it... I’ll be ready to tell you everything whenever you’re ready to hear it. Just let me know

Abby-Yup...

I decided to try something different and sent her another message.

Jameson-Alone in this Bed. Framing Hanley.

Abby-Really. You wanna play this game? Ok... Wasting all These Tears. Cassadee Pope. Goodbye!

Abby

God that man is infuriating! How fucking stupid could he be. Seriously... I never meant to hurt you? Umm, well... Maybe you shouldn’t have left me. At least not without saying goodbye. I think what hurt the most was never knowing what I did to make him leave.

I spent my first day home playing with Izzy and getting settled in. It was great. I mean, after I was done crying with Alex in the studio that is. Then Jameson had to go and do something stupid like text me. That idiot ruined my night. I tossed and turned all night long because of it.

This morning everything just got that much better when Ben called me and told me that Jameson and I needed to record the new song as soon as possible. I guess the video that the label recorded of it from the show already had over a million hits on YouTube. Crazy, right? You would think I’d be more excited about recording this song. But recording this song means having to spend time with Jameson and spending time with Jameson is not something I want to do right now.

When I texted Jameson to let him know what we needed to do he was more than eager to come out. Alex, on the other hand, was not even mildly impressed. He’s wanted to kick his ass for nine years now and now that he has the chance, he’s not strong enough to do it. Needless to say, his ego is now bruised, and he’s been sulking for the past hour. It wouldn’t be so bad but Alex was going to be the one recording us.

I threw my hair up into a messy bun and headed to clean the stalls in the barn with Izzy while Alex puts his hour in at the studio. We waited for Jameson to show up. I love that Izzy is into everything that Alex and I are in to. She lives for music and horses. I can’t believe she starts first grade in a week. She’s excited, but she said she would rather be home schooled so she could go back out on tour with us when we do. I have a bad feeling that that is going to end up happening sooner or later.

“Ab, Jameson’s here.” Jason dropped a bale of hay in front of a stall door and headed back out to get another.

“Hey Abby...” Jameson came around the corner and nearly tripped over the hay Jason had just dropped.

“Don’t have the studio for twenty minutes so make yourself useful.” I didn’t even look at him. I couldn’t. It still hurt too much. He finally realized I wasn’t going to talk to him either right now so he went and found Jason and AJ and started hauling hay in.

“Izzy,” Alex hollered from outside the barn. “Grandmas here!”

“Grandma! Awesome! Aunnie come see her. She misses you too!” I agreed, and she jumped off the bucket she had been standing on. Grabbing my hand, she pulled me running towards the driveway. I love how excited she gets to see her grandparents, but it makes me miss my parents even more.

“Hey Mary.” I kissed her on the cheek after Izzy got done jumping all over her.

“Oh my dear, I’ve missed you while you were gone.”

“So I heard. I’ve missed you too. What brings you out today?”

“Well, Alex called me this morning and asked me to take Izzy for a bit, and well... I couldn’t resist my favorite baby girl. So we’re going to do a girl’s day out and get some stuff for school.”

“Oh.” I looked at Alex and tried to figure out why he asked her to take Izzy? All we were doing was recording. “I thought we were taking her school shopping.”

“Don’t worry Abby, I’m only getting her a few things. You guys will still need to take her too.” We finished talking and loaded Izzy into the backseat before heading to the studio.

The air was tense to say the least but at least Alex didn’t start a fight, and Jameson didn’t drag me away kicking and screaming to talk. We got in, recorded and got out.

I could see Jameson eyeing Alex, trying to figure out what was going on with him. Alex had excused himself at least six times in an hour to go to the bathroom. Since I heard him throwing up last night, I figured that was what he was doing today. He had told me they upped his medication, and it was making him sick.

When we finished up, Jason and AJ headed to their apartments. We had renovated the top floor of the barn into four apartments so we could all stay together if we wanted. For a while they all had their own apartments and only stayed here when we were recording but soon Tuesday, Jason and AJ decided this was home. Derek’s apartment was never really used because he had a girlfriend and I wouldn’t allow drug use on my property.