Where'd You Go, Bernadette: A Novel

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For Poppy Meyer

The first annoying thing is when I ask Dad what he thinks happened to Mom, he always says, “What’s most important is for you to understand it’s not your fault.” You’ll notice that wasn’t even the question. When I press him, he says the second annoying thing, “The truth is complicated. There’s no way one person can ever know everything about another person.”

Mom disappears into thin air two days before Christmas without telling me? Of course it’s complicated. Just because it’s complicated, just because you think you can’t ever know everything about another person, it doesn’t mean you can’t try.

It doesn’t mean I can’t try.

Galer Street School is a place where compassion, academics, and global connectitude join together to create civic-minded citizens of a sustainable and diverse planet.

Student: Bee Branch

Grade: Eight

Teacher: Levy

COMMENTS: Bee is a pure delight. Her love of learning is infectious, as are her kindness and humor. Bee is unafraid to ask
questions. Her goal is always deep understanding of a given topic, not merely getting a good grade. The other students look to Bee for help in their studies, and she is always quick to respond with a smile. Bee exhibits extraordinary concentration when working alone; when working in a group, she is a quiet and confident leader. Of special note is what an accomplished flutist Bee continues to be. The year is only a third over, but already I am mourning the day Bee graduates from Galer Street and heads out into the world. I understand she is applying to boarding schools back east. I envy the teachers who get to meet Bee for the first time, and to discover for themselves what a lovely young woman she is.

*

That night at dinner, I sat through Mom and Dad’s “We’re-so-proud-of-you”s and “She’s-a-smart-one”s until there was a lull.

“You know what it means,” I said. “The big thing it means.”

Mom and Dad frowned question marks at each other.

“You don’t remember?” I said. “You told me when I started Galer Street that if I got perfect grades the whole way through, I could have anything I wanted for a graduation present.”

“I do remember,” Mom said. “It was to ward off further talk of a pony.”

“That’s what I wanted when I was little,” I said. “But now I want something different. Aren’t you curious what it is?”

“I’m not sure,” Dad said. “Are we?”

“A family trip to Antarctica!” I pulled out the brochure I’d been sitting on. It was from an adventure travel company that does cruises to exotic places. I opened it to the Antarctica page and passed it across the table. “If we go, it has to be over Christmas.”

“This Christmas?” Mom said. “Like in a month?” She got up and
started stuffing empty take-out containers into the bags they’d been delivered in.

Dad was already deep into the brochure. “It’s their summer,” he said. “It’s the only time you can go.”

“Because ponies are cute.” Mom tied the handles in a knot.

“What do you say?” Dad looked up at Mom.

“Isn’t this a bad time for you because of work?” she asked him.

“We’re studying Antarctica,” I said. “I’ve read all the explorers’ journals, and I’m doing my presentation on Shackleton.” I started wiggling in my chair. “I can’t believe it. Neither of you are saying no.”

“I was waiting for you,” Dad said to Mom. “You hate to travel.”

“I was waiting for you,” Mom said back. “You have to work.”

“Oh my God. That’s a yes!” I jumped out of my chair. “That’s a yes!” My joy was so infectious that Ice Cream woke up and started barking and doing victory laps around the kitchen table.

“Is that a yes?” Dad asked Mom over the crackling of plastic take-out containers being crammed into the trash.

“That’s a yes,” she said.

*

From: Bernadette Fox

To: Manjula Kapoor

Manjula,

Something unexpected has come up and I’d love it if you could work extra hours. From my end, this trial period has been a lifesaver. I hope it’s working for you, too. If so, please let me know ASAP because I need you to work your Hindu magic on a huge project.

OK: I’ll stop being coy.

You know I have a daughter, Bee. (She’s the one you order the medicine for and wage valiant battle with the insurance company over.) Apparently, my husband and I told her she could have anything she wanted if she graduated middle school with straight A’s. The straight A’s have arrived—or should I say straight S’s, because Galer Street is one of those liberal, grades-erode-self-esteem-type schools (let’s hope you don’t have them in India)—and so what does Bee want? To take a family trip to Antarctica!

Of the million reasons I don’t want to go to Antarctica, the main one is that it will require me to leave the house. You might have figured out by now that’s something I don’t much like to do. But I can’t argue with Bee. She’s a good kid. She has more character than Elgie and I and the next ten guys combined. Plus she’s applying to boarding school for next fall, which she’ll of course get into because of said A’s. Whoops, S’s! So it would be in pretty bad taste to deny Buzzy this.

The only way to get to Antarctica is by cruise ship. Even the smallest one has 150 passengers, which translates into me being trapped with 149 other people who will uniquely annoy the hell out of me with their rudeness, waste, idiotic questions, incessant yammering, creepy food requests, boring small talk, etc. Or worse, they might turn their curiosity toward me, and expect pleasantry in return. I’m getting a panic attack just thinking about it. A little social anxiety never hurt anyone, am I right?

If I give you the info, could you pretty please take over the paperwork, visas, plane tickets, everything involved with getting we three from Seattle to the White Continent? Is this something you have time for?

Oh! You already have credit card numbers to pay for airfare, trip, and accoutrements. But in terms of your salary, I’d like you to take it directly out of my personal account. When Elgie saw the Visa charge for your work last month—even though it wasn’t much money—he wasn’t thrilled that I’d hired a virtual assistant from India. I told him I wouldn’t be using you anymore. So, if we could, Manjula, let’s keep our romance an illicit one.

*

From: Manjula Kapoor

To: Bernadette Fox

Dear Ms. Fox,

It would be my pleasure to assist you with your family travel plans to Antarctica. Attached please find the contract for moving forward on a full-time basis. Where indicated, please include your bank routing number. I look forward to our continued collaboration.

*

Invoice Number: BFB39382

Associate: Manjula Kapoor

40 hours a week at $0.75 USD/hr.

TOTAL:

$30.00 USD

Invoice Due in Full upon Receipt

CONFIDENTIAL:

TO GALER STREET SCHOOL PARENT ASSOCIATION

Dear Parents,

It was terrific to meet you last week. I’m thrilled to have been brought in to consult for the wonderful Galer Street School. Head of School Goodyear promised a motivated Parent Association, and you didn’t disappoint.

Let’s
talk turkey
: in three years you’re losing your lease on your current location. Our goal is to
launch a capital campaign
so you will be able to purchase a larger, more suitable campus. For those of you who couldn’t attend the meeting, here’s the
drill-down
:

I conducted an off-site consisting of 25 parents in the Seattle area with an income of $200K+ and whose children are entering kindergarten. The
headline
is that Galer Street is considered a
second-tier school
, a fallback option for those who don’t get accepted to their first-choice school.

Our objective is to
move the needle
on Galer Street and kick it up into the
First-Choice Cluster (FCC)
for Seattle’s elite. How do we achieve this? What is the
secret sauce
?

Your mission statement says Galer Street is based on global “connectitude.” (You people don’t just think
outside the box
, you think
outside the dictionary
!) You received some impressive
big-media
coverage for the cows you bought for the Guatemalans and the solar cookstoves you sent to the African villagers. While raising
small sums of money
for people you’ve never met is commendable, you need to start raising
large sums of money
for your own children’s private school. To
do this, you must emancipate yourselves from what I am calling
Subaru Parent
mentality and start thinking more like
Mercedes Parents
. How do Mercedes Parents think? My research indicates the following:

1. The choice of private schools is both
fear-based
and
aspirational
. Mercedes Parents are afraid their children won’t get “the best education possible,” which has nothing to do with actual education and everything to do with the number of other Mercedes Parents at a school.

2. When applying to kindergarten, Mercedes Parents have their
eyes on the prize
. And that prize is
Lakeside School
, alma mater of Bill Gates, Paul Allen, et al. Lakeside is considered
the
feeder school to the Ivy League. Let me rock it straight: the first stop on this
crazy train
is
Kindergarten Junction
, and nobody gets off until it pulls into
Harvard Station
.