While We're Apart (20 page)

‘Oh, Auntie Barbara.' Mary reached for her hand across the table. ‘I always knew you loved me, and I do appreciate everything you and Joseph have done for me over the years. This lovely home, and the warmth and love you've shown me, have given me more than you could ever know.'

Barbara cleared her throat. ‘It's no more than you deserve, and as far as I'm concerned, you'll always be my little girl,' she said gruffly. She blinked rapidly and bent her head to her sewing. ‘Tell me how you see your father now you've read some of his diaries.'

Warmed by her heartfelt words, Mary found it difficult to speak for a few moments. ‘I think he was always a quiet, thoughtful sort of man,' she said eventually. ‘But his experiences during the First World War, and the subsequent struggle to adapt to married life again and restore his faith, made him more solitary. I can understand now why he spent so many hours alone in his study, or reading through the night in the spare room.'

Mary paused as she remembered the last night when he'd been so tired, and yet had found the time to thank and bless her for her help with Gladys. ‘But he always had time for me,' she murmured, ‘and I never doubted for a minute that he loved me deeply.'

Barbara finished her sewing and pushed back from the table. ‘I think we've earned a cup of cocoa,' she said as she reached for a saucepan and poured in some milk. ‘We're getting far too gloomy, and there are other more exciting things to discuss.'

Mary's mood lightened immediately. ‘Is Jack coming home on leave? He didn't say anything in his last letter.'

‘Not as far as I know,' replied Barbara as she waited for the milk to warm through. Taking it off the heat, she stirred in the cocoa powder, added a spoonful of sugar and gave it a good stir. ‘Did he tell you about his volunteering to try out for the Commandos?'

Mary nodded. ‘I was rather hoping he'd come home for some leave before he went off to try and pass the course.'

Barbara placed the two steaming mugs of cocoa on the table and sat down. Lighting a cigarette, she stared into the glowing embers of the fire. ‘I don't know that I want him doing dangerous things like that,' she said, ‘but from what I hear it's the toughest course the army has, and very few make it into the Commandos at the end of it. I'm rather hoping he isn't successful.'

Mary grinned. ‘So am I,' she confessed, ‘though Jack would be horrified at our lack of support.'

Barbara smiled back. ‘It's a good thing Joseph's on fire watch tonight and can't hear us,' she said. ‘He's cock-a-hoop at the thought of his son being one of an elite fighting force, and is already crowing about it down at the pub.' She puffed on her cigarette. ‘Anyway, that wasn't what I wanted to talk about,' she went on, briskly dismissing her fears for her son. ‘Joseph has managed to sort out those insurance policies of yours, and there should be a cheque in the post quite soon for just under a hundred pounds.'

Mary was lost for words. A hundred pounds was an enormous sum of money.

‘I thought you'd be surprised,' said a smiling Barbara. ‘But that's a lot of money for a young girl, and I want you to promise to put it straight in the bank.'

‘I'd rather give some to you for my keep and put the rest towards going back to college to get my teaching certificate,' Mary replied breathlessly.

‘Yes, well, that's the other thing I wanted to talk to you about,' said Barbara. ‘Joseph and I have discussed it fully, and agree that we don't want any of your money, and that you should keep it for when you might really need it. A sum like that is a healthy backup if things should go wrong.'

‘But—'

‘No buts.' Barbara spoke firmly. ‘That money was left to you by your father so you would have something behind you. As for your teaching certificate, Joseph and I have some savings, and as Jack showed no signs of wanting to further his education, we've decided to use them to help you.'

Overwhelmed and tearful at her generosity, Mary pushed back from the table and flung her arms around Barbara. ‘Thank you, thank you,' she breathed, ‘but I can't take it, Auntie Barbara, really I can't. I have my own money now, and—'

‘And you'll do as you're told and let me and Barbara support you through college,' declared Joseph as he strode into the room in his Home Guard uniform. ‘Your money will come in useful when you and our Jack set up home together, and if you refuse to let us help you, then we'll both be very hurt.'

‘We will,' Barbara confirmed sternly.

Faced with such determination from both of them, Mary knew she was defeated. ‘I'll pay you back every penny,' she promised after hugging them both.

‘You'll do no such blooming thing,' said a highly embarrassed Joseph, ‘and that's an end to it.' He turned to Barbara as he dug in his bag and pulled out two Thermos flasks. ‘It's brass monkeys out there and we've emptied both of these. Could you top them up, love?'

As Barbara warmed more milk and filled the flasks with cocoa, Mary sat in a daze of happiness at the kitchen table. She had never dared dream she could go back to college, or that Barbara and Joseph would willingly use their savings to fund it – and with the legacy of a hundred pounds to put away for the future, she was doubly blessed.

She looked down at Gideon's diary and ran her fingers across it, silently thanking him for his forethought. He'd known that because of their age, the time would soon come when Mary would be alone in the world, and he'd ensured that she had some financial security so she wouldn't be dependent on others.

Joseph's voice broke into her thoughts. ‘I'll say goodnight to you both, and see you in the morning.'

He kissed Barbara on the cheek and gave Mary a bashful hug. ‘Don't stay up too late plotting and planning,' he gently teased. ‘These things take time to organise, especially when there's a war on and hard-working farmers have to stay up all blooming night staring up at an empty blooming sky.' As he opened the back door a gust of cold air rushed into the warm kitchen before he slammed it behind him and tramped out into the blackness.

Barbara settled back at the table and sipped her cocoa. ‘I know he wants to do his bit, but these nights on fire watch leave him very tired, and I worry about him getting careless when he has to use all that heavy farm machinery.'

‘I'm sure he's experienced enough not to be careless,' soothed Mary as she drank her own cocoa. She looked across the table, unable to hide the excitement that was bubbling up inside her. ‘Tomorrow, first thing, I'll telephone the college in Lewes and see if they've got any places. I know it's a bit late in the term, but—'

‘I've already rung them,' said Barbara, ‘and all the places have gone. In fact there's a waiting list.'

The sharp disappointment dispelled Mary's excitement. ‘I suppose it's because the other college was bombed and Lewes was the nearest one they could relocate to.' She stared into the mug of cocoa, her thoughts whirling. ‘There are other colleges, of course, but it's probably a bit late to try and get in now.'

‘The administrator at Lewes suggested two other colleges which still have places,' said Barbara. ‘But one's in Sheffield and the other's in Wales.'

Mary shook her head. ‘I don't want to be that far from home. It would be much more sensible to apply for next year at Lewes, and find something else to do in the meantime.'

Barbara nodded. ‘I think that would be best in the circumstances. You can telephone them in the morning and ask them to send the application forms, then we can sit down and discuss the sort of job you might like to do while you wait.'

Mary finished her cocoa and took the empty mugs to the sink. ‘I'm feeling very positive about things now,' she said as she washed the mugs. ‘And as it'll only be for a year, I might see if there are still jobs going at the rope factory. Pat tells me the wages are very good, and it'll be a way of supporting myself and even perhaps putting a bit by for when I start the course next year.' She dried the mugs and put them away before turning to Barbara with a broad smile.

Barbara smiled back. ‘Let's just take one thing at a time for now,' she said gently. ‘I know you're excited, but it's late and well past both our bedtimes. Come on, you can conquer the world tomorrow.'

Mary threw her arms about her and kissed her cheek, revelling in the soft warmth of her and the love she radiated. ‘I'll make you so proud of me, Auntie Barbara,' she breathed.

‘I know you will, love.' Barbara kissed her and patted her cheek before she shooed her out of the kitchen. ‘And don't stay up all night reading,' she called up as Mary took the stairs two at a time. ‘We've got a busy day tomorrow.'

Mary was almost skipping along the landing as she headed for the bathroom. She hummed to herself as she washed and prepared for bed, and then drifted in a haze of euphoria back to her room. ‘I'm going to be a teacher,' she breathed in awe as she closed the door behind her. ‘And I'll be the very best teacher I can possibly be.'

Her excitement made her careless as she felt her way across the room to pull the blackout curtains, and she stubbed her little toe on the base of the chest of drawers. With a gasp of pain she hopped on one foot, shot out a hand to steady herself, and knocked everything off the top of the chest.

Breathing deeply to try and ease the pain in her toe, she limped to the window, closed the curtains and then turned on the bedside light. A quick examination of the injury proved there was no bleeding, and although it was throbbing a bit, there didn't appear to be anything much wrong with it. This was more than could be said for the appalling mess she'd made when she'd knocked everything to the floor.

She changed into the winceyette nightdress as she waited for the throbbing to ease, and then went to clear up. There were four diaries sprawled about the floor along with the tortoiseshell hair clip, her emergency clothing coupons and a tin of talcum powder which had burst open to dust everything in white.

With a cluck of annoyance, she picked up the tin and secured the lid before she shook the talc off the coupons and cleaned the hair clip with the hem of her nightdress. The powder had gone everywhere, but she could already hear Barbara moving about in the next room and it was far too late to go back downstairs for the brush and dustpan.

With a groan of distress, she carefully retrieved the diaries and sat on the bed to try and clean them off. Having given the first three a good rub with her nightdress hem, and a careful shake to get the powder from between the pages, she turned to the last. As she held on to the spine and cautiously wafted it back and forth, something drifted to the floor.

Horrified that she might have loosened one of the precious pages, she scooped it up. But it wasn't a page from the diary. It was a piece of paper that had been folded several times.

Mary set the diary aside and came to the conclusion that her father must have used the paper as a bookmark, and forgotten about it. But then she realised it had been formally sealed with wax. Whatever it was, it had to be very important, and she was suddenly afraid to open it. She stared at it, her curiosity battling with a deep uneasiness as she turned it over and over in her hands. But she knew that having discovered it, she had no option but to see what it said, and her fingers were clumsy as she broke the seal and tentatively flattened out the folds.

She had to read the document twice before she could fully absorb the awful words. But once she had, time stood still and she felt her world slowly and inexorably crumble to dust.

MARY STARED AND
stared at that piece of paper, unwilling to comprehend fully that it had anything to do with her. And yet, deep down, she knew it did, and there was no escape from it. The hurt was so deep and all-encompassing that she was numb, unable even to cry.

As the bedside clock ticked away the minutes she finally came out of her stupor and set the formal letter to one side. She reached for the diary it had fallen from and, after a shuddering breath for courage, began to read the entries for 1924.

Gideon was in turmoil, for although Emmaline had put on a brave face and appeared to have come to terms with the terrible loss of their babies, he knew how much she was suffering. She never said a word to him about the pain she carried so bravely, but he could sense it in her quietness, and in the way she looked at him and sighed so sadly, clinging to his arm as they walked, as if she needed his strength to help her put one foot in front of the other.

He became possessed by a terrible guilt, certain he had been the cause of her deep unhappiness, and it was at that point he'd decided to move out of their bedroom, not only to spare her from his all-too-human desires, but to suppress and control them in solitary prayer.

As the weeks went on and there was no improvement in Emmaline's silent anguish, he decided that a change of scenery might be good for them both. He'd written to the bishop explaining his deep concern for his wife's health, and asked to be sent to another parish where the memories of their lost children would not be so poignant. By the middle of October they were preparing to leave Carmine Bay for Harebridge Green, and to Gideon's delight and huge relief, Emmaline seemed to have found some of her old spirit.

Mary came to the end of the page and found she was shivering, not only from the cold, but from the fear of what she might find in those following pages, for they would describe events around the time of her birth. However, she'd gone so far and knew she had to carry on no matter how painful it became, for it was vital to discover what had led to that signed and sealed document. She fearfully turned the page and began to read.

October 29th 1924

I have had the most extraordinary day, and it all began with a very difficult conversation with an infrequent member of my congregation. As I sit here, surrounded by packing cases waiting for Emmaline to come home from her women's Bible group, I am overwhelmed by the power of God, and how He can miraculously provide the answers I have so earnestly been seeking these past years.