Whiter Shades of Pale (12 page)

Vintage Volvo allows them to claim smaller carbon footprint.

Considering opening a microbrewery with friends.

Military surplus counts as a tour of duty in Madison.

“Works” as a graduate student, in tenth year of Ph.D.

Uses for long walks with daughter, writes down their conversations in Moleskine notebook.

Auditing class on cultural theory.

Jacket shows daughters that mothers can be smart but also attractive.

Lack of tuna, coffee, and alcohol is a sign that she is planning a child.

Allowed to read unrelated material at her very lax nonprofit organization.

Gifted prior to testing.

Scuffed elbow at public school from noncompetitive activity.

Before you begin hanging around with white people, you should know that all white humor comes from three sources:
The Simpsons
, Monty Python, and
The Onion
. If you are not presently familiar with
The Onion
, you should visit
TheOnion.com
immediately, as it is essential in your development and cultivation of white friendships. If you are not familiar with
The Onion
, your conversations with white people will be boring, humorless, and unlikely to lead anywhere productive.

Before moving on, it’s important to know exactly what
The Onion
is and where it came from.
The Onion
is a satirical newspaper and website that was founded in Madison, Wisconsin—a very popular location for white people. When the publication got more popular it moved to New York. Since then it has produced a body of work that includes audio, video, and thousands of articles that entertain white people every single day of the year.

It is so popular that every white person’s home contains at least one book from
The Onion
. If that home is occupied exclusively by white men, said book will be located in the bathroom. There are no exceptions.

At any given time a white person has 100–200
Onion
headlines memorized and ready for deployment in a conversation. In fact it is impossible to talk to a white person for more than one hour without hearing
“That reminds me of the
Onion
article.…” In order to remain a viable part of the conversation it is essential that you be able to quickly suggest a related, but different,
Onion
article on a similar subject. Doing so will show the white person that you are smart and have a good sense of humor.