Who Are You Meant to Be? (25 page)

How Socializers Satisfy Their Need to Be Connected

Working and Playing with Others

Socializers are people who need people. Fortunately for them, others are automatically drawn to the warmth and friendliness that Socializers radiate. Their affable and uncomplicated nature makes them popular without really trying. They have an affinity for working with groups and a tendency to enhance and enliven any group they belong to. They interact well with all types of people, regardless of age or background, provided they aren’t opposed or put down. Others want Socializers to be a part of whatever is going on because of their personality and energy; thus, they often attract opportunities for themselves. They see the world through rose-colored glasses and believe the world should be as they see it. They are optimistic and determined to live life in a positive fashion and to encourage others to feel the same way.

Self-Protective Socializers must have validation from others.
It’s not always apparent to others that Socializers need people to need them and that they are energized by the feedback and affirmation they get when they are needed. When SP Socializers don’t receive this affirmation or are left to work on their own, they feel rejected or devalued. They can appear “flighty” in their relationships as they go from person to person, looking for a place where they can be helpful and appreciated. Socializers can spend excessive amounts of time helping strangers at the expense of friends and family when they don’t get the appreciation they need from those relationships. Driven to gain this validation, SP Socializers are unable to say no to the demands of others. If they are forced to say no because they do not have time or energy, the guilt they feel is out of proportion to the reality of the situation.

Lucy: Do you think I’m a crabby person?

Charlie Brown: Yes, I think you’re a very crabby person.

Lucy: WELL WHO CARES WHAT YOU THINK?

—“Peanuts,” Charles M. Schulz

Self-Actualizing Socializers are helpful to others at work and to themselves at home.
They stop trying to be all things to all people. They know that juggling many activities and people satisfies their craving for relatedness and their need to be energized through others; however, they also realize that this behavior is depleting when done to excess. This insight allows SA Socializers to take the time they need to recharge their batteries by being alone. They no longer fear a loss of connection if they say no to the demands of others. They also recognize that they, too, need help from time to time, and they are willing to ask for it.

Creating Harmony

Socializers have a great need for harmony in relationships, and they work hard to make sure people get along and join wholeheartedly in activities with family and friends. At the backyard barbecue, the Socializer will be sure to have every variety of food and drink to please the crowd, won’t let anyone’s glass go empty, and won’t allow anyone to sit out of the festivities. “If you aren’t into lawn bowling, how about croquet, or a game of Yahtzee? And by the way, have you met your neighbor Penelope, who’s a flying trapeze artist? Did you know that she shares your love of bonsai gardening and steam locomotives?” Socializers often feel that it is their personal responsibility to eliminate or resolve any type of conflict or disharmony around them, whether they are involved in it or not.

Self-Protective Socializers take everything personally.
They are personally offended when people do not hold the same values or want the same things that they want. They take trends and fads seriously and can be furious when others don’t value these choices. Appearance is extremely important to them, as they believe it should be to everyone. Liking the same television shows, reading Oprah’s Book Club recommendations, even buying clothes from the same popular stores are all ways that SP Socializers affirm their connections to people. To SP Socializers, harmony means everyone is in agreement with them, and they feel personally rejected when others express tastes that are different from their own. They blame others for how they feel, rarely seeing that the problem has arisen because they have taken something personally, and they rarely apologize. They become upset and exaggerate the importance of minor breeches to social etiquette. The following scene from the TV program
Gilmore Girls
shows how Emily (Socializer) and Richard (Performer) react and take offense when someone in their neighborhood does not conform to the social norm. Their very confused daughter Lorelai (Adventurer) can’t quite figure out what the issue is.

Emily: It’s simply disgraceful.

Richard: For years, we’ve had peace in the neighborhood.

Emily: I knew the Richmonds were going to be trouble when they missed the block party last month.

Lorelai: I don’t understand. They gave out full-size candy bars for Halloween. So what?

Emily: Not full-size candy bars, Lorelai—king-size candy bars.

Richard: We’ve been giving out full-size candy bars for years now.

Emily: And then those people move in and throw the entire balance of the neighborhood off. They made everybody look ridiculous.

Richard: It’s very embarrassing.

Emily: I think we have to do something about this—maybe go to the homeowners’ association.

Self-Actualizing Socializers tolerate disharmony.
Although they continue to seek harmony, they stop demanding that others conform to their likes and dislikes. Self-Actualizing Socializers can tolerate differences of opinion without feeling devalued. They are able to learn from others and stop insisting that things be “their way or the highway.” They work at fostering independence in themselves and tolerating it in others. This is especially helpful when they need to move on in their work and relationships and when their children are maturing and getting on with their own lives.

Establishing Social Order

Socializers look outside of themselves—to their culture, their parents, their politicians, and educators—to tell them what their values are and how the world should operate. They then become champions of the “way things should be.” Like Miss Manners, they become leaders in their own right. Socializers believe in a social order and want to know where they are in the ranks, what their role is, and how they are connected to others. In new situations, they evaluate others to see where they stand, and they adapt their behavior so that they don’t offend or overstep their place. They do their best to rise to the top of the social hierarchy while maintaining their connections to others. Whether it is as a minister, the principal of a school, or the coach of the local skating team,the Socializer likes to be the queen bee or the king of the hill, with a busy hive of people following and swarming around him or her.

Self-Protective Socializers insist everyone do things their way, or else.
They want to be connected at all costs and have the attitude “you are either with me or against me.” They can police friends and family members to make sure that they are doing things according to their advice. An SP Socializer might even call up a friend and say, “I’ve been thinking about your problem, and here’s what you need to do.” Needless to say, the advice can come as quite a surprise to a friend who hasn’t asked for it. But SP Socializers are fiercely protective of their position as problem solvers, and when their advice isn’t heeded, they can undermine people by making belittling, disparaging remarks. “Can you believe how Sara acted when…?” or “Who does Dave think he is, talking to me that way?” are the type of statements you will hear from rebuffed Socializers, along with some defaming evidence that they have created about poor Sara or Dave. Socializers are pros at laying guilt trips when others don’t go along with their agendas.

Socializer hostess: I can’t believe that George didn’t come to my party. What an insult. He didn’t come to your party last month either. How rude! Does he think he’s too good for us? What a snob, blowing us off like that!

Friend: Actually, George had to go visit his dad in the hospital. He had surgery yesterday, and George wanted to go and cheer him up.

Socializer hostess: A likely story. Don’t tell me you believe him! George is great at spinning yarns. I wouldn’t be surprised if he skipped the party because he got a better offer at the last minute. I’m so mad at him!

Self-Actualizing Socializers shift their focus from others onto themselves.
They no longer have to be the queen bee or the king of the hill, and they recognize when they are covertly manipulating others as a way to reduce their own anxiety. They have come to terms with how their inner “martyr” can hijack them. They consistently work to break the habit of manipulating others. They no longer believe in using their idealized, dehumanized self as a tool to get them through life, and they work to give and take in relationships. They are able to find legitimate ways of feeling loved and cared for without the compromise of “I will help you if you will love me and be grateful for all I do.”

Helping Others

Socializers meet their need to be connected by being with people, building networks, and getting involved with the lives of others. Socializers’ compassion and interest in others draws people to them, and they are privy to confidential information from those who seek their counsel. They are dependable and responsive to the needs of those around them. Socializers are like cheerleaders when it comes to supporting others and will lavish praise on people when they succeed. They try to make everyone feel like they can do whatever they want to, even though it may be unrealistic. Their special gifts of caring for and serving others, their genuine interest in humankind, and their exceptional intuitive awareness of people make everyone feel comfortable and included.

Self-Protective Socializers have an image of themselves as all-giving, selfless, benevolent, and ever-helpful human beings.
They flatter people, thinking that others want praise as much as they do, and they are easily hurt when others don’t reciprocate. Because they are so focused on their idealized selves, they have difficulty seeing themselves for who they actually are. Their value is in helping or serving others, which makes Socializers dependent on feedback and gratitude for affirmation. In this episode of the TV series
Desperate Housewives
, we see how Socializer Bree Van de Kamp tries so hard to provide her family with the very best, for their own good.

(The VAN DE KAMP family is seated, eating silently.)

Danielle: Why can’t we ever have normal soup?

Bree: Danielle, there is nothing abnormal about basil puree.

Danielle: Just once, can we have a soup that people have heard of? Like French onion or navy bean?

Bree: First of all, your father can’t eat onions; he’s deadly allergic. And I won’t even dignify your navy bean suggestion. So. How’s the osso bucco?

Andrew: It’s OK.

Bree: It’s OK? Andrew, I spent three hours cooking this meal. How do you think it makes me feel when you say it’s OK, in that sullen tone?

Andrew: Who asked you to spend three hours on dinner?

Bree: Excuse me?

Andrew: Tim Harper’s mom gets home from work, pops open a can of pork and beans, and boom, they’re eating, everyone’s happy.

Bree: You’d rather I serve pork and beans?

Danielle: Apologize now, I am begging.

Andrew: I’m just saying, do you always have to serve cuisine? Can’t we ever just have food?

Bree: Are you doing drugs?

Andrew: What!?

Bree: (angry) Change in behavior is one of the warning signs, and you have been as fresh as paint for the last six months. That certainly would explain why you’re always locked in the bathroom.

Danielle: (grinning) Trust me, that is not what he is doing.

Andrew: Mom, I’m not the one with the problem here, alright? You’re the one always acting like she’s running for mayor of Stepford.

In their minds, Socializers exaggerate how helpful they are and how much more capable they are than other people. By inflating their own value, they can ignore or deny the human qualities that make them feel vulnerable, and even ignore or repress their physical and emotional needs. They work hard to make sure the feedback they get supports their image, ultimately mistaking this imagined self for their authentic self.

Self-Actualizing Socializers stop being martyrs.
The biggest challenge for Socializers is to shift away from their habit of becoming martyrs in order to feel needed and valued. Although they still genuinely want to help people, they are more aware of their own needs and they ensure that they are not compromising themselves to get appreciation from others. Their desire to help is rooted in their capacity for unconditional love, of both themselves and others. They no longer try to impose what they think people need just so they can look helpful. They wait to be asked and don’t get upset when people refuse their help. Because they are connected to their own emotions and aware of their motives, they can help others in a true spirit of generosity, without expecting to be taken care of in return. Their relationships no longer come with strings attached.

Activators of the Self-Protective System

With their need to be connected and have a network of people around them to help, advise, and otherwise be involved with, Socializers are activated by people and situations that cause them to feel alone, abandoned, and devalued. Their need to be in the know about what’s going on with people causes them to feel anxious, worthless, or cast aside when they can’t play this role. This feeling is what they fear most, so they will do whatever they can to protect themselves from it.

Time Alone

Without anyone to help, Socializers feel alone and abandoned. Cut off from the perceived source of their power, they often feel incapable of dealing with things. For example, they may want to upgrade their computer skills but can’t make a decision about what course to take. They’d rather take the course with a friend because they are anxious about not knowing anyone. No one wants to do it with them, so they join a friend’s book club instead.