Who Are You Meant to Be? (5 page)

Suzanne, from our earlier example, knows that she’s not artistic, that she needs to be with her children, and that her time is very limited. Yet she agrees to a project that requires artistic ability, takes her away from her children, and uses time she can’t spare. In an attempt to protect herself from the disapproval of others, Suzanne acts from her feelings. She opts to protect herself, reacting to her primitive instincts and impulses that say there is danger in failing to please everyone. Suzanne (and many of us) will end up having the same frustrating experiences again and again, feeling helpless to do anything about it. We live so much of our lives trying to protect ourselves from the emotional discomfort that we feel when we don’t live up to our own or others’ expectations. We try to avoid feeling embarrassed or guilty when we can’t do it all, and we try to be what others want so they never get upset, angry, or disappointed with us. We end up trying to bypass emotional land mines on the landscape of our lives for fear of something blowing up.

When was the last time you let feelings stop you from doing or saying something? Think about it, because it happens all the time whether you are aware of it. It’s possible that you don’t register feeling afraid or you don’t want to admit when you feel this way. Instead, you probably tell yourself you don’t feel like doing an activity, or that people who do such things are crazy, stupid, or irresponsible. Many of us don’t want to admit how often we let fear define our lives. It can be something as simple as “I didn’t go to the movies with my friend last night because I was afraid I’d be tired today,” or something more significant, like “I didn’t apply for the position at work, even though I desperately want the job, because I was afraid I wouldn’t get it.” We rationalize and talk ourselves out of doing what we want to do or trying something different because it will make us feel uncomfortable. We let our fear govern our choices and how we live our lives. This means that we know what we want and know our potential but are afraid to take a risk. Some people fear that others will judge or envy them, and so they don’t try. Others are afraid of “living large,” so instead they just overeat and become physically large, underachieving and devaluing themselves, going along for the ride in life, and using fear to keep them in their “safe place.”

Although fear and anxiety are emotions that can impede living life to the fullest, the thing we seem most afraid of is thinking that we are “crazy,” that we have problems with the functioning of our emotions. This fear causes some of us to press the mute button on our feelings with a few glasses of wine a day, a shopping spree that gives us something “real” to feel anxious about because of how much money we spent, or a fight with a loved one so that we can “dump our emotional bucket.” Temporary relief? Yes. But the problem in our heads is still there the next day!

Our Problems Are All in Our Heads!

Feelings are not supposed to be logical.

Dangerous is the man who has rationalized his emotions.

—David Borenstein

People dread hearing that their problems are “all in their head.” After all, this is just another way of saying that problems are a result of the brain not functioning optimally. Emotional and relationship problems, lack of motivation, depression and anxiety disorders, inability to focus, poor impulse control, addictions—they all originate in the brain and are usually the result of obstructed development. When we don’t take the time to know and understand how our brain, mind, and emotions work, we remain vulnerable to the emotional distress that arises from living on autopilot.

When clients come to me for the first time, many say, “So, Doc. Am I crazy? I think my problem is all in my head and I shouldn’t even be here. It’s stupid.” They are often anxious and ashamed because they believe they are doing something wrong or that they should be able to control or stop how they feel. I always tell them, “Yes, it’s all in your head. Emotional problems stem from the brain.” Clearly, if it were their liver, they wouldn’t come to see me. We want to believe we can “cure” our emotional problems without letting anyone know about them, yet if it were the pancreas we were having trouble with, no one would suggest that we just put on a happy face, get over it, and move on with our life. Many receive this advice (sometimes even from health professionals) regarding difficulties that originate in our most complex organ: the brain.

When people come to therapy or for coaching, it usually isn’t because they want to get to know themselves; they come to try to fix what is wrong with them or simply to rid themselves of unpleasant feelings. Turning away from the mirror, they want to stay at the window, applying some cosmetics and disguises to give those outside a nicer view. Many believe that looking deeply at our own emotions is self-indulgent and a waste of time at best and a terrifying prospect at worst. Psychological theories of emotions and personality are often seen as “pseudoscience,” and our fear that there is something “wrong” with us inhibits us from exploring this unknown territory. It’s all too easy to see our emotions as a Pandora’s box that is better left closed. The truth is that we could be diverting this fearful energy to the constructive act of getting to know more about ourselves.

It’s time to change the way we think about our emotions, to make sure we develop our brains as nature intended, and to become who we are meant to be. Emotions are a part of our experience as humans. They are biochemical events that occur in the brain in response to a stimulus, causing a series of reactions throughout our body. We feel our way through life, either through our senses or through our emotions. Yet in our society, we remain squeamish and uncomfortable about discussing our emotions. We then pass this discomfort on to our children. And with the types of things we say to children about their emotions, is it any wonder they grow up confused about what they are feeling? For example, “What do you mean you’re afraid of going upstairs alone? Don’t be stupid. There is nothing to be afraid of.” “What are you crying for? For heaven’s sake, stop being so sensitive about everything.” “You should be able to control your temper, young lady. How many times do I have to tell you that it’s not nice to get angry at people?” Or “Don’t say you hate your sister because she kicked you. You bad boy! Apologize to her right now and tell her you love her.” These are all examples of how parents influence children’s experience of their emotions.

Ignoring or manipulating emotions leads only to greater mental distress and dysfunction. Ironically, today there is more information available about how to deal with problems related to emotions than ever before. In order to take care of our emotional health, we have to meet the problems head on, taking responsibility for the smooth and efficient functioning of our miraculous brains!

Our Brain (Mental Health) Is Our Responsibility

Whatever any man does he first must do in his mind, whose machinery is the brain. The mind can do only what the brain is equipped to do, and so man must find out what kind of brain he has before he can understand his own behavior.

—Gay Gaer Luce and Julius Segal (from
Sleep,
1966)

Many of us don’t consider our mental health to be our responsibility, or even as something we can influence. Even when we do, the stigma of mental health problems can be a powerful disincentive for people seeking help. According to a 2010 report by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), the majority of Americans who experience some form of mental disorder do not seek professional help. The SAMHSA report states that while one in five American adults (45.9 million) experienced some form of mental illness in 2010, only about 39 percent of these individuals received some form of treatment. Among those who do access treatment, most turn to prescription drugs to try to eliminate the symptoms rather than look for the cause of their mental illness.

Statistics also indicate that there is a dramatic rise in the rate of depression and anxiety among young people in America. Today, high school and college students are five to eight times more likely to meet the criteria for diagnosis of major depression and/or an anxiety disorder than students were a half a century or more ago. Fear continues to stop people from reaching out and getting the help they need. In fact, statistics also show that the number of people who opt to commit suicide rather than get help is on the rise. That’s because most of us grow up without a realistic understanding of mental illness—not knowing how normal and natural it is to experience emotional distress or that seeking professional help is the wise choice in the same way as going to a doctor for an irritable bowel.

Repressing emotions or pretending they don’t exist is like having an eccentric relative living in our basement. We find her outrageous and amusing but embarrassing, and we don’t want to talk about her or let anyone else know she’s there. The more we pretend she’s not there, the more energy we expend hiding her and devising stories about why people can’t come over. Because she’s not allowed in our lives, she’s gets more outrageous and demanding, yet we still pretend she doesn’t exist because we’re afraid of what people will think about us if they meet her or know she’s there. What we really need to do is bring her upstairs, give her a room in the house, and bring her into our life.

As you can see, our conditioned beliefs and the way we relate to our emotions and mental health are a primary impediment to our development because they keep us in survival mode. Until now, there has been no systematic approach to creating mental health that could be used to help people understand the mechanics of their mind, their needs, and their emotions. In the next chapter, we introduce the Striving Styles Personality System and examine how psychological needs have to be satisfied in order for us to develop our brains and escape from survival mode.

C
HAPTER
T
WO

STRIVING STYLES PERSONALITY SYSTEM

I am here for a purpose and that purpose is to grow into a mountain, not to shrink to a grain of sand. Henceforth will I apply all my efforts to become the highest mountain of all and I will strain my potential until it cries for mercy.

—Og Mandino

T
HE
S
TRIVING
S
TYLES
P
ERSONALITY
S
YSTEM
(SSPS) is a neuro-psychological approach to understanding the mechanics of the mind. It is a comprehensive “user manual” for people. It shows how our brain is organized, how our needs and emotions influence our behavior, and how we can strengthen our authentic self to become who we are meant to be. It provides an approach to development based on the satisfaction of psychological needs.

What Are Striving Styles?

Our personality has a style that includes the way we think and process information, our attitudes, the way we express our feelings, our needs and strivings, our behavior and actions, and our manner of interacting with others. Our Striving Style is expressed in a predictable and dynamic fashion.

Based on neuroscience and a seamless integration of the work of leading theorists in the area of brain dominance and specialization, such as Carl Jung, Roger Sperry, Ned Hermann, and Katherine Benziger, to name a few, the SSPS provides a way for us to understand and integrate the functioning of our brain. Jung’s work is particularly important to the development of the SSPS, as he was the first to capture the four functions of the brain into a theory of psychological type. He believed that people operate from different psychological frameworks and orientations that are identifiable through observation.

For the past century, Jung’s psychological type theory has strongly influenced the way we understand mental functions and their roles in our personalities. Jung also believed that humans are driven by a need for individuation, which we can think of as a sense of wholeness or full understanding of ourselves. He saw emotions as agents that could cause us to act in psychologically healthy or unhealthy ways. His careful observations over the years resulted in significant advances in understanding and predicting behavior, particularly with respect to differences in people’s ideas, responses, and actions.

We have built the SSPS on Jung’s psychological type theory, incorporating recent developments in neuroscience that show that Jung’s proposed mental functions correspond to the brain’s physiology. Brain scanning technologies such as positron-emission tomography (PET) and magnetic resonance imaging (MRI) have connected Jung’s theory with those of prominent brain scientists by showing that there is a specialized area of the brain for each of the eight Striving Styles.

The following is an overview of the key components of the Striving Styles. It sets out how the brain is organized to do the work it has to do in our personalities. It introduces the basic physiology of the brain and the functions that reside in the different brain areas. As well, this section introduces the Striving Styles, what they are called, and where they reside in the brain.

We have four quadrants in our brain
. The brain has two hemispheres, each with a front and back section, for a total of four quadrants. The front of each hemisphere is called the prefrontal cortex, the most highly evolved part of the brain and the one that synthesizes experiences and information to try to make sense of them. The two back sections of each hemisphere have more neural connections to the limbic system or primitive brain, which is more involved with our emotions and pure sensations. Each quadrant has a specific function that it performs in our personality, which you will learn more about later in this chapter.

Each quadrant performs its function in the external and the internal world
. Each brain quadrant or functional region is divided into two distinct areas of operation: one that focuses its efforts on the external world and the other that favors the internal world. Each of the eight functional areas is purposeful and has its own biological mandate that it must fulfill. We call each of these eight areas of brainpower or intelligence Striving Styles.