Who I Am With You (18 page)

“No, no, no.” He clutched the sides of his head. “I can’t stop the dirty, inappropriate comebacks begging to burst free. It’s too much.”

Olivia laughed. “When have you ever held anything back?”

Like flipping a switch, his mood sobered, but he still managed a wink. “Since I discovered you’re seeing someone.”

The admission swept through her in a hot flash. Olivia allowed herself a moment to enjoy it before locking it down.

“I should go. I’m going to be late.” She gave him a small wave, moving over to hail a cab. As the car pulled up, she felt Simon’s eyes on her. “And I know exactly what you were going to say about me peeling off your layers.”

His chuckle followed her as the taxi drove off and a smile tugged at her lips. Simon was trouble. Changing gears, Olivia concentrated instead on girding herself to meet Duncan’s kids.

F
eeling nosy, Duncan ambled through Olivia’s massive apartment. The place felt empty to begin with, but without her there, it reminded him of a tomb. Or maybe it was the sparse, open space he didn’t like. The hardwood floors warmed it some, but he preferred older homes, the kind with personality. Not to mention, she didn’t have any personal touches; no pictures or trinkets women were so fond of.

After lifting weights in the home gym, he showered and changed before snagging a few slices of banana bread from the kitchen. Jesus, the woman knew how to cook. He wished she’d do something with her talent instead of working for VDB. The place wasn’t good for her. Her anxiety was only increasing and, whenever they spent time together, she shared another story about something that happened at work, a random detail that had her on edge.

Being apart from Olivia screwed with his mind and he found himself wondering where she was, what she was doing, when he’d see her again. All because of how good he felt around her and how his cravings for pharmaceuticals lessened. He knew it bordered on an unhealthy dependence, but without her, the bleak reality of life tempted him to self-medicate once more. So, instead of dwelling, he ignored the fine line he walked with her and how dangerous it was, for him and for her. Problem was, the better he felt the more his past plagued him.

A memory surfaced, not of Olivia, but of Leslie and their first Thanksgiving as a married couple. Despite their high hopes, neither of them had known how to cook a turkey and the attempt had ended in a smoke-filled kitchen and a charbroiled bird. The smell had lingered for weeks afterwards. Leslie’s face danced before him, laughing, and his gut clenched so violently he had to grab onto the counter. They’d had so much love and promise back then, such innocence. He stumbled out of Olivia’s, unsteady and trailed by regret.

The feelings stayed with him the entire way to Leslie’s, mixing with his indecision over how to break the news about Olivia. He’d avoided it all week and now he had no choice, which turned it into a dick move on his part. She let him in the house, her hopeful smile making his insides to grind together.

“The kids are excited to spend the day with you,” she said.

“Amanda? Excited?”

Leslie laughed. “As much as a teenage girl can be.” She lowered her voice. “Her bark is worse than her bite.”

“They both suck.” Duncan cleared his throat. “Look, Les, there’s something I have to tell you. I, uh, won’t be the only one there today.”

“What do you mean?” The twinkle in her pretty hazel eyes never dimmed.

Seconds ticked by as he grasped desperately for words. Finally, he just blurted, “I met someone, a woman. She’ll be there.”

“What?” The outburst came from Amanda who’d chosen that exact moment to walk into the living room with her brother. She glanced back and forth between him and Leslie, her mouth agape. “Seriously? No. Nuh-uh. No way. I don’t want to meet Dad’s new piece of ass,” she declared before stomping to her room with red cheeks and hunched shoulders. Leslie threw him a veiled look and followed, leaving him in silence with Adam.

Duncan wracked his brain for anything to say to fix his blunder as he collapsed onto the couch. The announcement did not go as planned, he should have done it sooner, in private. Either way, someone got hurt. Tact had never been counted among his strengths. He didn’t have the slightest idea how to do this—introducing his kids to a woman who wasn’t their mother. Kind of like tiptoeing through a field of land mines.

Adam sat beside him, picking at the frayed hem of his shorts. “Yankees did pretty awesome last night.”

His son’s voice startled him, causing him to say, “I didn’t think you were into sports.”

“Just because I’m not good at them doesn’t mean I don’t like to watch,” Adam grumbled.

“Sorry. I’m nervous. Don’t you have an objection, or questions?” Duncan bounced his leg impatiently, growing restless under Adam’s scrutiny as he took in his hopping limb, even his freshly shaved face.

“New clothes?”

Duncan glanced down at the cargo pants and scowled. “The pants are.”

“You must really like this woman.”

“Um,” Duncan cleared his throat, “I do, yeah.”

“How’d you meet her?”

Duncan searched for the right words, unsure of what to say. “It’s kind of hard to explain. I met her almost nine years ago, on September 11th.”

Leslie reappeared in the living room and must have heard the tail end of their conversation, but her expression remained impassive. He couldn’t lose the happy image he’d had of her earlier and found himself having a hard time meeting her stare, especially after the bomb he dropped about Olivia.

“Amanda will be ready in a minute.”

“She okay?” he asked.

The question caused her to cock her head. “She’ll be fine. It’s a bit of a shock.”

“I know, I’m sorry. I could have handled the news better than waltzing in and announcing it.” He stood. “She deserved a warning. You all did.”

“I’m a big girl, Dunc.” Sad lines bracketed her mouth. “Besides, we’re past surprising each other. It was bound to happen to one of us sooner or later. I just didn’t know you were looking.”

Damn. Leslie had already experienced a lifetime worth of pain thanks to him. There were so many things he needed to say to her, to apologize for, but Amanda sauntered into the room wearing shorts that looked more like underwear. To avoid another tantrum he bit his tongue. Hard.

“Ready?”

His daughter pinned him with a cool stare and nodded. Duncan ruffled Adam’s hair. “Why don’t you two wait in the truck? I’ll be out in a sec.”

Once they were gone, he turned to Leslie and opened his mouth to explain, but she beat him to it. “What did you mean when you told Adam you met this woman on 9/11? Is this the person you saw a couple weeks ago?”

“Yeah. The woman I saved.”

He didn’t need to say more. She knew the story, he’d told her during one of his blitzed nights, shouting the entire grisly experience to her. Until now, it had never been brought up again.

“After all this time you saw her? Is that even possible?” Doubt softened her tone.

“I entertained the idea it might be some kind of cruel mind trick. It’s not.” Pain danced through her expression and she focused on the empty space over his shoulder. “Look, Les, I don’t want to hurt you anymore. Just thought you’d appreciate honesty from me for once.”

“Why? So I can hear about the woman you’ve thought about for years?”

Her jab nailed him in the chest with a sharp pang. “If it helps, those thoughts were never romantic until I saw her again. It wasn’t like that. You were who I thought about, dreamt about.”

Leslie’s eyes widened in surprise. “Me?”

“Well, yeah.” He fumbled for the right words. “Know what I remembered this morning? Our first Thanksgiving. A burned beyond recognition turkey and smoke alarms blaring like crazy.”

“We ended up ordering Chinese and eating it in our coats because we had to open all the windows to the house,” Leslie said, her eyes moist.

“That’s a good memory.”

“We have a lot of history.”

“We do. I was a world-class jerk to you and you didn’t deserve it. No one should have to suffer the way you did, but that was all my fault. Problem is, I’m not the man you ruined a turkey with anymore, the one who cried with you when our children were born. I think he’s buried with the rest of the 343.”

“You’re not as gone as you might think.” She brushed impatiently at a tear. “I’ve waited to hear your apology for years, but I didn’t expect it come under these circumstances.”

“What circumstances?”

“You finding someone else.” Her simple words nearly undid him. Once again, he opened his mouth to try and put words to the longing and sadness swirling through him, but she was too quick. “The idea of either of us moving on rattled me.”

“You deserve a hell of a lot better than what I gave you.”

Those were the safest words he dared speak while staring at her sad, beautiful face. With his heart begging to stay behind, he walked out the door. A tentative bridge had formed between them, one that led towards healing. He’d never make up for his awful deeds, but Leslie should have closure. It was the greatest gift he could give her. Tucking Leslie, and the unsettling emotions trying to take over, aside, he concentrated on the kids. Today was about rebuilding his relationship with them. Duncan just hoped including Olivia didn’t do more damage than good.

He climbed into the truck and started it, a little annoyed when Amanda reached over and flipped the radio to a pop station. They rode in silence for a while, except for the whiny guy singing, before she asked her first question. Duncan hid a smirk. It was only a matter of time.

“So, this chick, Adam said you met her on 9/11? I didn’t think you had time to run around asking for numbers.”

The image she created struck him as disturbingly funny and he forced himself not to laugh. In the rearview mirror, though, his son also tried to swallow his reaction. Another revelation hit him, like father, like son. Huh. This was the first time he’d found humor in that day. Must be a good sign.

He addressed his daughter. “Very funny, smartass. I saved her life. Spent a scary hour together. I always wondered about her, what happened to her. Then, a few days ago, I saw her again.”

“Wow. Sounds familiar. Like a dumb Hollywood romance movie,” she drawled out sarcastically.

“I guess it does.” He wiggled his eyebrows in her direction. “Never considered myself leading man material.”

Amanda rolled her eyes. “What’s her name?”

“Olivia Van den Berg.”

Duncan mentally kicked himself for saying the whole name. He had hoped the kids would get to know her first, without learning where she came from. Adam picked up on the significance right away.

“Van den Berg? Like VDB Enterprises? Their crane fell and crashed into the street. I saw it on the news.”

“That’s her. She only recently went back to work.”

He felt Amanda’s eyes on him and snuck a glance at her. Her face wore an incredulous expression. “Everyone knows who her family is. And she’s dating you? What’s wrong with her?”

“Hey, I can be charming when I want.” They rewarded him with two loud coughs. “Thanks for the vote of confidence, guys. Look, all I ask is for you to give her a chance, keep an open mind.”

No one said anything for a couple blocks and he fretted over whether he’d crossed a line. Maybe he shouldn’t have told them who she was, or that they were dating. Wiping a hand over his face, he felt Amanda staring again.

“What?”

“You’re smiling, Dad. It’s weird.

O
livia waited near the lake in Central Park, running a thumb over the tattoo on her wrist. Sitting still was impossible with the churning in her stomach and a fluttering heart. Glancing down at her cuffed jean capris and flowery tank top, she hoped it didn’t look like she was trying too hard, or too little.

Idly, she ran a hand over her hair, making sure the ponytail was straight. Ordering herself to stop freaking out about her appearance, she watched the commotion of the park instead. Children ran screaming among scattered picnic blankets. A toddler wobbled between his parents, chubby fingers clutching theirs in a death grip. Bicyclists pedaled past. Dogs barked and frolicked. There were even a couple of men with dreadlocks playing steel drums nearby. Midsummer brought Central Park to life with fresh green trees and the smell of cut grass, a true urban oasis.

Duncan arrived, followed by two teenagers with differing expressions and body language. The girl, tall and dark like her father, sported indecently short shorts and a scowl that distracted from her pretty features. The boy’s infectious grin stretched his soft, pre-teen face. He appeared to have just hit a growth spurt judging from his gangly arms and legs and feet that were too big for his body.

As they got closer, Olivia sucked in a fortifying breath.

“Hey, Liv.” Duncan cleared his throat, crossing and uncrossing his arms before stuffing his hands in his pockets. “This is Amanda and Adam.”

Fixing a bright smile on her face, she offered her hand. “I’ve heard a lot about you guys.”

The kids reacted in polar opposites. While Adam shook her hand and gazed up at his dad in wonder, Amanda regarded her with boredom.

“Funny, we haven’t heard about you until today,” the girl said.

“Amanda,” Duncan barked.

A few seconds of awkward silence passed until Olivia spoke in a jumbled rush. “You guys want ice cream? I forgot how hot it can be in the city. L.A. was more open. Here, the buildings trap the heat and block the breeze.”

Adam nodded eagerly so she acted on instinct and threaded her arm through his as they headed in the direction of a cart selling waffle cones. She half-expected him to put some distance between them, but he shot her a shy smile and whispered, “Dad did talk about you a little on the way here.”

“Thanks.”

“You just moved back?”

“I grew up here and left after 9/11. I went to Los Angeles for a few years.”

“And you met my dad at Ground Zero?”

“Yes.” She didn’t go into detail. The day was too beautiful for dark shadows.

“Is it really sunny every day of the year in L.A.?”

She waited until they gave the vendor their orders before answering. “It’s closer to ninety percent of the time. It might sound nice, but the sun got old pretty fast. You know how on a cold, rainy day you want to stay inside, snuggle and read or watch movies?” He nodded. “Constant sun made it impossible. And I missed snow.”

“Yeah, but you could go to the beach and read,” Amanda added in a friendlier tone than before.

After Duncan paid, they crossed to the lake and settled on a wooden bench. “Very true and I did a little, but the beaches there can get crowded and it’s hard to concentrate on a book when you can people watch instead.”

“Ever meet any celebrities?” Amanda perked up even more and Olivia wished she had a better answer, one that didn’t involve Cammie.

“I saw some, no one too exciting. To be honest, I’ve seen more since I’ve been home. Jimmy Kimmel nearly knocked me over the other day. In L.A. everyone looks and acts famous, so it’s hard to tell.”

The girl’s face clouded over again, and Duncan jumped in. “Hey, we saw Derek Jeter that time.”

“Ew, he’s like, old.” Amanda’s nose wrinkled in distaste. “Who cares about baseball, anyway?”

“Ouch.” He clutched a hand over his chest and slumped on the bench. “You know exactly how to hurt a guy.”

His dramatic reaction drew a slight grin from his daughter before she smothered it again. Olivia caught Duncan’s eye and he shrugged.

“Dad told us your last name. Do you own the crane that crashed? I saw the video.” Adam’s question vibrated with curiosity.

“I don’t own it, the company does. I haven’t been involved with VDB for a long time, not until recently.”

“She’s an amazing baker,” Duncan supplied. “She needs to open her own place.”

“Can you make brownies?” Adam asked, but he was derailed by Amanda’s more personal inquiry.

“Are you rich?”

“Amanda,” Duncan warned her again. “Inappropriate.”

Olivia laid a hand on his arm. “It’s okay. I wasn’t for a while, but my parents left me some money. I forgot what it was like to be wealthy and had to hit rock bottom to appreciate it.” She returned her attention to Adam. “And yes, I can make you brownies. How about with salted caramel swirled in them?”

“Oh, wow. Yes!”

“Speaking of food, should we grab an early dinner?” Duncan asked.

Olivia stood and tossed her napkin in a trash can. “How about we go to Times Square and pretend to be obnoxious tourists? It’ll be crazy there, but it might be fun, too. Besides,” she bumped Adam with her elbow, “I hear there’s a pretty awesome Toys ‘R’ Us store. I’m never too old for toys. How ‘bout you?”

His face lit up. “I haven’t been there, but I bet they have a ton of Legos.”

“Legos are for little kids,” Amanda drawled. It lacked bite, though, and Olivia tried again, aiming for the teenager’s heart.

“As long as when we’re done with the toy store we can hit Sephora. I’m in desperate need of new lip gloss.”

Amanda had a harder time disguising her interest and as they walked over to catch a cab, Olivia prayed she was making headway by including them in things they might like. Staying active meant less time to dwell, for all four of them.

As predicted, Times Square turned out to be crowded and chaotic. Even in daylight the neon signs flickered, competing for the attention of visitors, and a jolt of excitement filled the air. Olivia normally hated places catering solely to tourists, but for some reason she got caught up in craning her neck in an effort to take in everything at once.

The giant toy store circled the block, exhausted parents and over-stimulated kids spilling onto the sidewalk. Olivia grinned at the tall giraffe guarding the entrance, confident in her suggestion, and Adam and Amanda wandered in as she stayed by Duncan’s side.

“I hope this is okay?”

He smiled at her contentedly and her stomach did a slow roll as he linked his fingers with hers. “I never would have thought of this.”

His voice trailed off as they entered the first section of the store and Olivia couldn’t help gawking. The place was massive. An endless sea of toys greeted them and, in the back, an actual working Ferris wheel for customers soared through three stories of glass walkways. The constant din of excited voices, electronic beeps, and laughter drifted throughout, mixed with the sweet scent of candy.

Amanda’s face held the most wonder. “This is nuts.”

“Let’s split up.” Olivia rolled with another idea. “I enjoy looking at dolls and teddy bears and pink, glittery things. I’m sure the boys aren’t interested in My Little Pony. Duncan, you take Adam to the boring, guy stuff. Amanda and I will go be girls. We can meet at the Ferris wheel in an hour.”

Hesitation flashed across Duncan’s face and she squeezed his hand in encouragement, hoping he agreed. He needed to spend time with his son, find some common ground. The kid was hungry for it. It showed in the way his eager eyes latched onto his father, thirsting for love and attention.

Amanda shrugged a shoulder, followed by a barely audible nervous sigh.

After the guys wandered in the direction of a giant dinosaur and the escalator, Olivia led Amanda towards a huge pink dollhouse, which turned out to be a display filled with every kind of Barbie accessory and doll imaginable. Her heart, a restless beast in her chest, beat furiously and her mouth dried up. Alone with the teenage girl, she scrambled for something to talk about as they browsed.

“What was your favorite toy growing up?” she asked Amanda.

“Barbie. She had the best clothes.” She slid a sly look in Olivia’s direction. “You kind of remind me of her.”

Olivia laughed and fidgeted with her ponytail. “Is that good or bad?”

“It’s not bad. I like your outfit,” she admitted before blurting, “Dad’s different with you. He gets all nervous and smiles. It’s totally weird.”

“It goes both ways. He helps me, too.”

“Yeah.” Amanda frowned. “He’s really good at helping other people.”

Her unsaid words hung in the air, meaning Duncan took care of everyone except his family. Olivia sighed, wishing for some words of wisdom.

“Tragedy changes a person, more than you can ever imagine. I’ve learned to enjoy the good days, like today, and not dwell on the hurt.” Olivia lightened her tone. “Come on, there’s a lot more to explore.”

She and Amanda got waylaid in an area called Candy Land, loading up on fudge and gummy bears and chocolate. Even for an adult, Olivia found new wonders around every corner while they ventured into other levels, towards where Duncan and Adam disappeared, the themes flowing from Star Wars to Hot Wheels to sports.

“Oh my gosh,” Amanda gasped.

Olivia followed her gaze and spotted Duncan and his son in front of a giant television playing a video game version of football. Both wore matching grins and Duncan’s relaxed, easy stance spoke volumes. After all the time he spent complaining about Adam’s gaming and lack of interest in sports, they may have found some common ground. Leaning over to joke with Amanda, she stopped short of speaking when she saw tears glistening in the girl’s eyes. Words failed her, so she settled on a one-armed hug. Then she ambled towards Duncan and Adam.

“Here I thought you didn’t like video games,” she said in greeting.

Duncan flashed her a killer smile, softening the rough edges of his face. “I never knew they were so realistic. Figured I was too old for them. I guess not, based on how well I’m dominating.”

“You
are
too old, Dad. And you suck. You keep forgetting which team you’re on!” Adam glanced at Olivia. “We’re already planning a tournament for one weekend.” Amanda joined them and Adam spied the treats she carried, abandoning his game. “Where’d you find candy?”

“Don’t worry, dweeb. I got your favorite.” She shoved him playfully in the arm.

“Awesome. I’m starving.”

“You’re always starving.”

Duncan watched them with bright eyes and a look of love that reminded Olivia of her father and the connection she missed in her own life. She clenched her teeth together, locking down the lump of grief forming in her chest.

Duncan cleared his throat and said, “Let’s eat.”

“What about the Ferris wheel?” Adam asked. “It’s
Toy Story
-themed.”

“Well, if it’s Toy Story, how can I refuse? I can’t ride with you, though. Not after you called me old. I have to sit with my beautiful daughter.” Duncan rushed towards Amanda and picked her up, slinging her over his shoulder like the fireman he was. The girl’s annoyed squeals became giggles as they passed out of sight.

“Thank you,” Adam whispered.

Olivia peered over at him, uncomfortable with his misplaced gratitude. “For what?”

“Making him happy. This is how I wished he would be. He’s my dad again, even if it’s only for the day.” He sniffed.

“I haven’t done anything, Adam.”

“You’re the only difference, so it has to be you.”

“It’s not me.” She stared at him hard. “He’s always been there, deep down. He just needed a nudge, a fun place to come and not dwell on the other stuff. You father loves you, even when it might seem like he’s forgotten.”

Adam nodded solemnly. “I hope it lasts.”

“Me too, sweetie. Come on. Let’s catch up. You can ride with me.”

Though she was touched both Adam and Amanda considered her partly responsible for Duncan’s transformation, a tremor of fright rippled through her and the weight of it dangled over her head. If something happened and she and Duncan stopped dating, would he fall into old habits and the kids suffer again? The pressure it put on her was daunting.