Who Moved My Blackberry? (15 page)

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
All Staff

Hi—co-colleagues may have been as surprised as I was re an e-mail sent out this afternoon under my name to all staff. This message mentioned the children's characters, Pinky and Perky. I'm mystified as to the meaning of this and can only assume that some prankster was at my terminal. If anyone has any light to throw on the matter, please contact myself, or my PA, Keri Tartt.

Best, Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
IT Director

Hi, can you get one of your team to investigate the issue of security. I have just had someone else sending out e-mails apparently from me. In this department alone we have much intellectual capital with untold value. It is IMPERATIVE that we have adequate fire walls in place.

Martin

From:
Keith Buxton

To:
All Staff

Hi!

The first ABC workshops have been exceeding expectations. I was privileged to attend the London one—where everyone got a lot closer to each other. In the course of the day Roger Wright shared the interesting fact that he collects first world war helmets, Jenny Withers told us that her ambition is to write a novel, and Faith Preston told us about her gold medal in salsa dancing.

The power of the role play exercise to unleash the spirit was phenomenal. It would be invidious to single out the performance of any individual, but Christo Weinberg as Frank Zappa for creovation was inspired. Jenny Withers was a fabulous Pollyanna, and Martin Lukes' Gandhi was unforgettable—as was his Indian accent!

It is now time to move on to the next plank of the project, which is a 360 degree exercise. I would like everybody to ask three colleagues to grade them on a scale of one to 10 on the six behaviors, and then e-mail the grades to me. Choose one person who reports to you, one who you report to, and one who is a peer. And then I will ask you to assess yourselves, before embarking on a thorough scientific assessment of all team members.

Keith

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Pandora@CoachworX!

I'm a bit down because it's my birthday today. At the end of the day, I don't want to be 44. I hate birthdays at the best of times, but this year I got no cards at all. I asked Jens for a juicer, so that I could make celery and fennel pick-me-up, but she got me something that squeezes oranges, which is hopeless, as Donna says citrus is much too acidic for me.

Martin

From:
Pandora@CoachworX!

To:
Martin Lukes

Hi Martin

Where's the positive headset?? The passing of another year is a HUGE celebration, not something to be depressed about.

Did you know you have three ages, Martin? Your chronological age, your biological age, and your mental age. Only by the first measure are you getting older. The other two measures are much more important, and if you focus on them you can get younger, as young as you like. By self care you can roll back your biological age. You can also turn back your psychological age by surrounding yourself with younger people. By rethinking your wardrobe. Martin you are not 44. You are whatever age you want to be!!

Happy Birthday!

Strive and thrive!

Pandora

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jake Lukes

Hi Jake

Good to get your message, though can I remind you that the traditional way of celebrating someone's birthday is to give them a present, not to ask them for more money. The answer is no, your allowance must last till the end of the month. But once your exams are out of the way, I may give you a little extra.

Love Dad

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Keri Tartt

Dearest Pinky. Thank you so much. I've never worn combat trousers before, but it's going to be my new look—Pandora says that by being with you and wearing younger clothes I am making the clock go backwards. Can't be bad! Don't sulk at me about this evening—Jens has invited friends round for a not very surprising surprise party. Can't we celebrate at lunchtime?

M xx

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Graham Wallace

Graham—

Ha, ha very funny. Actually Keri thinks they look great on me. Just because I'm 41, doesn't mean I have to dress it.

Am assuming that you and I are doing each other's ABC forms? Let's agree on a marking system: no marks lower than 7 and an average of about 8.5. Are you going to get Rog to do it as your boss? As I've completely blown it with him, I may have to ask Keith.

M

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Keith Buxton

Hi Keith

I just wanted to touch base to say what a sensational job we all think you are doing with Project ABC. Btw, I wondered if you could do my behaviors rating for me? I feel that you know my strengths (and weaknesses!!!) better than anyone—I'd be delighted to return the favor.

All my very bestest

Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Keri Tartt

Pinky—Boring horrible evening, and cost me an arm and a leg. I thought about you all the time. This mate of mine from Goldmans went on and on about how much money he's making, and Jens was tired and bad tempered.

I'm filling in your ABC form—can u do mine??

Love you

Perky

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Faith Preston

Hi Faith—I don't understand your message. I haven't got a daughter, and she hasn't had an accident … ???

Cheers Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jenny Withers

Darling—

That's fantastic! OF COURSE you should go. West Midlands CBI is a fantastic forum for you! Don't worry about me—I can hold the fort and make sure Jake is prepared for his GCSEs. It's only one night. Go and show them what you're made of!

Love you

Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Keri Tartt

Kinky Pinky—

Perky's got some fantastic news! J is off to Birmingham tomorrow night to keynote to some boring midlands businessmen about pushing the communications envelope, or something.

I need to pop into the hospital to see mum, then will meet you at One Aldwych. The au pair knows I'm going to be out … so long as I'm back by 2am … should be ok … we can have 7 whole hours together … can't wait … Corporal v excited.

Porky Perky xxx

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jake Lukes

Hi Jake

How was your history GCSE today? Hope not too horrendous.

Fraid something has come up at work … probably won't be back till late. Svetlana will make supper, make sure you get to bed at a reasonable time … and are fresh for your maths exam tomorrow.

Dad

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jake Lukes

WHAT THE BLOODY HELL DID YOU THINK YOU Were DOING LAST NIGHT????? SVETLANA SAYS YOU WENT OUT DRINKING, GOT HOME DRUNK AFTER MIDNIGHT, THREW UP AND Were LATE FOR YOUR EXAM THIS MORNING. THIS WAS UNBELIEVABLY STUPID, EVEN BY YOUR RECENT STANDARDS.

DAD

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jenny Withers

Hi Darling—hope your speech went well last night, was keeping my fingers crossed. Sorry I wasn't at home when you called … I had to pop out for a swift half with Peter next door. Everything fine this end. See you later.

Love you M xxx

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jake Lukes

I don't like the tone of your message—it is not your business where I was last night, though if you must know I was out with Graham and some clients, missed the last train so stayed at his place.

Can I suggest a deal? Your mother is going to go absolutely ballistic when she finds out about your GCSE. So I suggest that we do not tell her. In return I would be grateful if you did not mention that I was out all night. Your mother doesn't approve of Graham, so it might make life easier if she didn't know.

Is that a deal?

Dad

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jake Lukes

What do you mean “whatever”? This matters. Do we have a deal?

Text message to Svetlana. Sent 10:42

Best not to mention anything about yesterday to Jens. I know nothing was your fault, but she might blame you … Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Keri Tartt

Pinky—Probably best if we cancel our afternoon assignment. I'm meant to be writing my own assessment so I need to give it some serious headspace … Don't put any calls through to me, and if any team members try to see me, tell them to go away.

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Keri Tartt

Kinky pinky, don't be silly. You of all people should understand how important being an A is to me. The corporal is sulking, but I've told him he'll see some action tomorrow.

Love you
(still) porky perky

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jenny Withers

Darling—how are you going to approach this self assessment thing? If I give myself 10 for everything, do you think they might smell a rat? But if I give less I might lose out to people like Graham and Christo who are so boastful … how are you going to play it? M

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Jenny Withers

What do you mean: “just be honest”????? That's no help at all.

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
DonnaAdonis@Bodybuild

Hi, Donna.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to cancel tonight. I'm totally snowed under here, but will work out at home tonight.

See you tomorrow. Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Graham Wallace

Jesus, I've just seen the ABC forms we're meant to fill in for our teams. They are 62 pages long and I've got 37 people to do! Don't these consultants realize we have work to do?? Mart

Shall we have a large drink?

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
DonnaAdonis@Bodybuild

Hi Donna—really sorry am going to have to cancel again. Rest assured, I'm working hard on my machines at home. This week I'm concentrating on the isolation, definition intensity and focus of my abdominals.

Will do Tuesday without fail.

Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Bettina Schmidt

Hi Bettina

In reply to your message, yes I shall be doing an assessment of you. I know that you have only been on my team a short while, but don't worry about that—I'll talk to your line manager in Düsseldorf … and we can build up a behavior profile of you together. If you want to talk, my door is always open.

Cheers, Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Bettina Schmidt

Sorry, can't do now—make an appointment with Keri.

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Christo Weinberg

Christo—Thanks for sending me the reminder of all your wins in the last year. I shall of course take them all into account.

Martin

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
All Marketing

Team—Various members of the team have expressed concern at the ABC procedure. I appreciate that this is an uncertain time for everybody. However, I hope I don't need to tell you that I shall be thinking long and hard about each of the forms. I suggest that for the time being you channel your concerns into your work. We don't want to let anyone accuse this team of taking its eye off the ball!

Best, Martin

From:
Pandora@CoachworX!

To:
Martin Lukes

Martin,

Congratulations! You have reached the halfway mark of Executive Bronze. This is always a moving moment. Half the program in the past, and the other half still in the future! I feel that you have come such a very long way. Your body is stronger and more grounded. You are getting younger. When I first met you, you were someone who used the word can't. I haven't heard you say that in ages.

I want you to give yourself a treat or a present. You deserve it, Martin. And when you give it to yourself I want you to say: I love me. I love my body. I look and feel fantastic, over and over.

Strive and thrive!

Pandora

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Keri Tartt

Pinky—I've booked us the bridal suite at the Canning Town Novotel for the afternoon. Champagne, rich chocolate fudge cake, the works. Pandora says I deserve it.

Perky

From:
Martin Lukes

To:
Keri Tartt

Pinky—Yes, I am cheesed off. It was meant to be a treat for me, and after the grim evening on my birthday I felt I deserved it. Frankly I didn't appreciate you rushing off in a huff. To say that I am “self-obsessed” was really below the belt. I spend my entire life thinking about others, whether it is you, Jens, mum, the boys, my team, etc etc. The reason I was whispering that to myself was part of Exec Bronze. Of course I love you, and your body too. You are fantastic. Goes without saying.