Who Sings for Lu? (27 page)

When over her astonishment at seeing the photographs, her mother had more in store, explaining how they were acquired by a private detective, after her mother had
met
with this woman. Telling Anna the story, of the letter she got from this Lu character, this — this
thing
— and meeting her in Sydney. It was surreal.

Past her anger, crying in good old Straw’s arms, when it should have been her father’s embrace, Anna was finally able to look at the images and not feel fear of a relapse or that her head would explode.

At first the shock, at how good looking the woman was. Her old school mates would say common. All right, raw then. The kind who might have a brief burst of stardom on
Australian Idol,
never reach the finals as that type never does. But good looking regardless, and in a different way Anna could not put her finger on.

Taken back a hundred times to it being one and the same person as at the fish market, the one who glared at her with a disturbing malevolence, Anna wondering why. This was the girl whose profile shot she’d taken in the park, just before she’d gone to what she believed was the distressed girl’s — well, not rescue. But at least to offer her comfort. Only for Anna’s entire life to change.

That night, on seeing the girl in the dark, she did think to get a photo, didn’t know why, survival instinct she guessed. She had not
connected this person with the woman at the fish market back then. Yet when her mother showed the photographs Anna knew at once.

Staggered at her mother’s ingenuity, the fact she felt something was to be gained from meeting the perpetrator of a terrible crime against her daughter.

‘Why didn’t you just set her up for arrest?’ Anna so confused.

‘I could never have done that,’ her well-meaning mother replied. ‘She wrote in good faith.’

Dear, kind-hearted, love-the-world mother, being told by her daughter, ‘She wasn’t acting in good faith that night.’ But Anna also knew her mother had suffered almost as much as herself. Perhaps more so being the mother. Anna would no doubt be the same —
if
she would ever trust a man enough to have normal relations again.

But why meet this Lu person?

I might not have been able to come back from the state I’d been thrown into. And it was so dark and strange there. Like being stuck in a dream — no, like being dragged back into one, like driving in a vehicle at speed and being unable to keep your eyes open.

Her world had become like that and different too: as if she were walking in a forest, not like in the Wollemi National Park, but a deciduous forest out of a book, a scary movie, no bird sound, just echoes and sharp rustles of movement, a sound less immediate, a low howling, she could barely see yet could see
everything
, every leaf, twig, branch, bough, the standing forms of trunks like a vast army of men about to get her — take her — in that way of men not with the veneer of civilised people.

Thick branch-ends, one after the other, leapt like erections into her mouth, filled it, filled her mouth with cum. She gagged and heaved and still they thrust into her, and dragged like huge smooth slugs over her face, her every body part. Just when she couldn’t take a moment more, all fell quiet, the dark grew a little wan light, purple, from a winter sun unable to shift the colours to green. Sleep, a deep, un-dreaming unconsciousness claimed her; she only knew this in looking at the clock when she woke, looked out the bedroom window to know, unbelievably, a whole day or a large part of one had passed in sleeping.

Now, this Lu was standing there — in the good-looking flesh, no question, raw or not, saying, ‘Sorry.’ Sure
saying
sorry. What else would she say?

My mother put us up to this, not for your sake I’m here, not you, bitch.

‘Forgiveness is part of healing,’ her mother had said.

Thank you very much, Mother. Just what I wanted, to be face to face with her, to help heal me.

‘Anna, you must
forgive.
’ Straw in on the act. Bit underhand of Mum, to bring in Straw when she knew both daughters always listened to him because they knew that he was neutral —
well, on our side and blindly, in fact.
That if he said it was okay then it must be; he had no other motivation than love.

So Anna agreed — after days of heated discussion with both Straw and her mother. Where was her daddy when she needed him? Getting laid. Same as when her descent into Hell took place, her father was getting laid within hearing distance. Though she did think it was a nasty low blow the text she sent him. In retrospect.

Now she’s here. We meet again. For the third time. Well, hardly introduced the other times.

Through a wedged open door into the living room of a
thirty-eighth
-floor apartment, rather large, tastelessly furnished, not even nouveau riche, just plain garish.
The view to die for. That’s a joke: die for. Going to tell her it’s exactly what I felt. I wanted to die, just die.

‘I’m Lu,’ she said, this apparition stepping out of a bedroom.
Someone
, an associate, waiting there in case? In case what? This was a trap. A sting. Set-up.
God, this is bullshit. I am the just-turned-twenty rape
and
sodomy victim — the beating I could have taken, even for the first time of receiving physical violence in my short, protected life. Could have taken that, if the other was left out. And the forcing into my mouth.

What should she say?
Oh, hi there. I’m Anna. From Widden Valley. My sister used to call it Hidden Valley. As in hidden from the world she felt deprived of. Had no idea people like you were out there living in it.

Anna couldn’t even find a nod. Not the slightest inclination of head to get things started. Could only blink, and a little more rapidly than she wanted to show. The bitch’s mouth opening again to say something.

‘I’m not here because I wanted to come.’

Oh? And I am? Nothing I wanted less than to come all this way, on your territory, to walk in here, embarrassed, scared, nervous, in turmoil, to find what? She’s not here.

‘I’m sorry I was in the bedroom.’

What, bonking were you? Boyfriend at the keyhole listening? Is he one of them? Mother dropped me off. Deal is she would not hang around, this was just between us. Remind me again? To complete the healing process?

Awkward short cackle from the girl. ‘Too scared to come out.’ A pause. ‘Might’ve climbed out the window we weren’t so high up.’

Almost funny in another circumstance. ‘You think I’m any different?’

‘No.’
No, what?
‘No. Guess you’re not.’

Not as tall as Anna had thought. Amazing eyes — if they didn’t belong to such a wicked person — wicked. Bitch.
Fuck you. I’m not here because I want to be, either. Here only on the advice of the people I love, on blind faith in older people’s wisdom.

‘Why did you do it?’ Anna managed to get out.

‘I tried to explain to your mother. But …’

But what? You’re too inarticulate? Do they think you might relate better to me, same age group, in telling the life story you wrote my mother?

‘What if I’m not interested in your damn explanation at any rate?’

That snapped those lazy, half-stoned-looking eyes open. Striking eyes. Then, of all the things, her facial muscles tightened, she had the effrontery to be pissed off. Taken aback. Caught out by what she didn’t expect. Even though she said, ‘Don’t blame you. I wouldn’t be.’

‘Wouldn’t be what?’ Anna at the end of her patience, if she had any to start with.

‘Interested.’

So why hasn’t the expression changed? Or did you not expect this reaction, little Miss Cat’s Eyes?

‘I am sorry though.’

‘So am I.’
Too quick, Anna. Say it again to soften it.
‘So am I.’
But don’t give her a soft expression. Don’t.

‘I don’t know what your mother wanted us to say … why she wanted us to meet like …’

Like what? Criminal confronted by the victim? She hardly looks
that confronted.
‘Nor do I.’
Liar, liar, pants on fire.
‘They —’
No need to complicate it with Straw, or you’ll be telling your life story next.
‘She feels it will help my — healing.’ Sounded suddenly hollow, self-indulgent, if for a moment.

The woman only shrugged.

It was Straw’s voice came on like a summons in Anna’s head, told her to be cool, be patient.
All right, I will — for you only, Straw.
He loved her, loved Katie, loved their mother, loved her father no matter what he did and what he was doing that night, Straw adamant Anna must meet face to face with this woman ‘for closure. To get that door closed and the previous one open again.’

So, she was here. Saying to the woman, ‘In going to your assistance … I got raped.’
And then some.
Lu’s reaction going from peeved to a kind of fake sad. ‘I’m meant to be here and feeling — ’ Suddenly neither her mother’s nor Straw’s words meant the same. A healing process? Closure?
This will never heal, nor can I get closure. There is no reason to be here.

First the eyes narrowed. The girl sucked in air. So Anna was prepared for something to come out.

‘Me boyfriend …’ Another big intake of breath. Anna couldn’t help herself thinking: Me boyfriend?

Nice breasts. Guess boyfriend gets to fondle and nibble on them. If she has a sex life. Oh yes, much too gorgeous not to. Wonder what goes on in her head? Must be some pretty weird and heavy stuff going on. Unless with the story she wrote Mum, her sensibilities are totally dulled? Well, who cares?

‘… he’d say,’ Lu continued, ‘“So go build a bridge.”’

And get over it?
Anna’s mind finishing the insulting remark, in the circumstances it was. Taken aback, if not shocked, at this encounter suddenly soured and therefore over as far as Anna was concerned. To hell with this.

Her own facial muscles obeyed the brain’s next command. ‘Sure …’ Never had Anna tried to put so much meaning into one word.
Meeting over.
Whole face on stone cold.

‘If I can still love … after what’s happened to me …’ Lu kept going.

Meaning what? That Anna had no excuse? The person responsible and that’s all she had to say?

Randolph! Don’t settle in for a long day yet, I’m out of here.
‘Excuse me.’ Anna took a step to go round the woman — the thing. The heartless creature that had zero remorse,
and nor will I in turning her in. Only have to hand over the photographs Mum had Randolph take, the police will do the rest.

‘I’m not finished yet —’

‘Tough,’ said Anna. ‘I am.’

‘You cop a bad thing once, and what, you want a fuckin’ orchestra playing sad music, the chorus all to be singing, “Our poor Anna, how she suffered so”? While the real world has to suffer the exact same just about daily — in silence?’

What a nerve.
‘I came here in good faith.’

‘I’m here too.’

‘Yes. And I’m not.’ Anna made to push past, or step around her.

The thing patted her stomach. ‘I’m pregnant.’

‘Good for you.’
Shall I say it?
‘Another criminal for the future? Who’s the father? Isn’t he the one who you work with, not long out of jail?’ Had all the information from one private detective right outside this building, he might even be armed. Anna could get nasty too.

‘You better be careful,’ Lu said with a sneer barely in check. ‘One day the same bloke might turn up and buy you out.’

Anna had barely grasped the concept than Lu was strengthening her point, some American saying she must have picked up from television, about never being rude to the bellhop because one day he might own the hotel. Implying her boyfriend. A jailbird?

Now it was about to turn into a row, a shouting match.
Not if you’re not here to tango, Anna. Just walk.

So Anna did; marched to the door.

‘My man said when he was in jail and the screws used to pull them up on something, they’d say, “What you gonna do — put me in jail?”’

Sighing, Anna did deign to turn around and face the woman, if just to get a final word in. But the girl wasn’t needing her to deliver the final blow. She was instead a picture of naked vulnerability, as if pleading with Anna to hear her out.

‘If you get the cops, I can take that,’ Lu said. ‘Do my time, have the baby, the state will claim it. It’ll get fostered out, a dad with a record won’t get custody. I’ll get released, have another baby. They won’t be able to stop me, just delay the process. Right?’

Why would she need confirmation of the bloody obvious? Anna’s heart unmoved.

‘And if my man is still keen, we’ll fight to get our first child back while getting on with raising our other one. And you know what?’

I’m listening. Just.

‘That child will be raised like you are. You know? Loved, even spoiled.’

I was not spoilt. What ignorant conceit to assume I was.

‘Loved to bits,’ Lu continued. ‘She won’t suffer what her father and I did. He won’t suffer like my mates who hurt you did. Not excusing them. Nor myself. Just saying, as shit does happen why let it happen to your own kid?’

‘You came here to tell me that?’

‘No. Except I just did.’

‘Been some healing session.’

‘My man healed me,’ she said. ‘Once I gave myself permission to let him.’

‘Who heals me?’

Lu looked close to chortling. ‘You got a whole army of people to do that. Still starts with you.’

Trembling in almost outrage, Anna said, ‘Even a single experience of what I went through is to be — respected.’ Not sure that was the word she sought. Maybe it was
understood
.

‘Sure. But you’re asking the wrong person, aren’t you? I lost count before my thirteenth birthday.’

‘Oh, that’s right. Yet you can still love.’ Sarcasm syrup.

‘Something all the semen and humping and arse-fuckin’ can’t destroy. Not love.’

‘Tell your daughter that in twenty years’ time when she has the bad fortune to run into it. Or her inevitable destiny.’ Anna couldn’t help herself.