Why We Suck (23 page)

    And when it comes to baseball and racism-let's put the Barry Bonds bullshit to bed too. A reporter on the Tavis Smiley radio show delivered a diatribe a while back about how all the negative media coverage of Barry Bonds was due to the color of his skin. Nope. It was due to the fact that he was a huge, gimongous, steroid-popping, lying, thieving ASSHOLE.

    Like my dad said-they come in every color.

    Barry could have been chestnut, puce, magenta, aubergine, mauve, moss or all six mixed up all together-he would STILL be an asshole. And the more steroids and clear and flaxseed oil and other super-growth hormone chemicals he ingested-literally-he became an even BIGGER asshole.

    It's like Naomi Campbell snapping on a British Airways flight after being told one of her bags had been misplaced-she spit on one of the officers who decided to arrest her when she became physically and verbally abusive with them in the first-class cabin.

    Naomi claimed they were arresting her because she was black.

    No-they were arresting you because YOU SPIT ON SOMEONE AND PUNCHED THEM IN THE FACE.

    At that point you weren't a black asshole-you were just A RICH ASSHOLE ON A PLANE.

    Naomi claimed they hate her because she's a successful black woman.

    No-they hate you because you are a RIDICULOUS black woman who has a history of hitting your maids and your other service staff with cell phones and ashtrays and whatever else you can get your hands on and you've been convicted twice on these charges and served community service in New York a few years back where you had to pick up trash and you decided to do it while parading around in a different designer outfit each one of the whatever number of days it was you were court-ordered to do so. You make fifty grand every time you peel your panties off and slip on a slinky dress and pout-BLACK is the last thing people hate about you. Your legs, your cheekbones, your lifestyle, your money-all of these are way way higher up on the list.

    One of the white people involved in the British Airways NaomiGate incident tried to claim reverse racism because Naomi screamed "You white honky bitch!" at her. Sorry. Excuse the pun but-that ain't gonna fly either.

    I speak for all white people when I say this-honky don't mean shit to white people anymore. Bitch? Yeah-even I don't like being called a bitch. Nobody does. I'm sure Michael Vick hated that word within an hour of entering prison. He's probably heard every variation of it by now-Atlanta-assed Falcon Bitch, Pro Bowl Bitch, Let's Do It Doggy-Style Bitch.

    But honky? That hasn't been an insult to white people since Starsky and Hutch was still on TV.

    Personally-if you chose to call me a flat-assed stupid Mick, loudmouth honky dumb drunk Irish Donkey Red Sock-lovin' skinny puke? The part that would bother me most would be "flat-assed." I mean-skinny, yeah. Loudmouth-I hear ya. No ass? C'mon.

    All the racial and ethnic slurs we can sling all seem to have only the power they get from ourselves. Mick and Donkey and Paddy really don't mean anything to me. I call my other Irish friends stupid micks. I have Jewish friends who call me a donkey. I have one Jewish friend who calls himself Kikey Kikeman-in honor of everyone who knows him considering him to be The Ultimate Jew.

    I offer up an idea-let's list all the top ethnic and racial slurs-the ones most commonly used in this country-and see which "team" comes out on top. My research will consist of slurs that have been used against me and those I have overheard being used against other people either in real life or the movies and other slurs I looked up online (www.hateanyonewhoisdifferent.com). I would imagine the group with the most slurs against it would be the one most Americans hate more.

    Here we go-let's get them all out in the open now-in no particular order:

    Chink, mick, guinea, spick.

    Redskin, wop, frog, donkey.

    Wetback, polack, spaghetti-bender, coon.

    Canuck dago tarbaby jewboy zipperhead spook greaseball panface, bagel junglebunny paddy greaseback, slanty-eye honky dothead jewbag, limey ruskie round-eye kike, hebe gumbah nigger yellowface shylock raisin-head paleface injun porchmonkey and gook.

    Whew.

    Pretty long, huh.

    Kind of gets to sounding like a tone poem about halfway through. Okay-now tallying the final score, I'll break it down into what we should all find obvious.

    (I am applying only to the "White" group terms like round eye, honky and paleface. "Asians" will be a listing for all references to people with yellow skin and other physical attributes most racists apply equally to the Japanese, Korean, Chinese etc. "Puerto Ricans" will represent anyone of Latin or Spanish or Cuban or South American descent because-once again-most racists in this country cannot tell them apart, unless they play baseball for the hometown team and the program specifically lists where the guy is from AND the racist fan can read-which is asking a lot.)

    

    

    

    Greaseback is the only slur I came across that no source seemed to have an assignment for-which leads me to believe it is actually an anti-Irish thing and they were just too polite to tell me to my face.

    So-if there were such a thing as Racism Playoffs-the Blacks and the Jews would finish tied for first, with Blacks winning out in my book- which you happen to be reading-because Nigger will always trump Kike, Hebe or any of the other five negative names the Jews received.

    The Italians come in tied for the second spot with the Asian group, and the Irish trail by two but lead every other group-except white, which includes them-by a lot. Leaving the Puerto Ricans to feel left out one more time with only one blanket anti-Puerto Rican slur to be hurled after their long presence in this country-not to mention the Mexicans who had only "wetback" to show for all this hatred and fear supposedly surrounding them.

    One could make the argument that many racists use "Spick" to refer to Mexicans as well as Puerto Ricans, but that's just gonna make both groups even more pissed off so let's just let it stand the way it is.

    Based on this-I'd say the African and Jewish communities-along with the Italians, Irish and Asians-are still making the most headway in this country.

    Here's to hoping that-two decades from now when perhaps another twenty million Mexicans have settled in here and begun to legally prosper, vote, work and play-racists will have at least five or six more slurs to shout at them during an altercation. Then our Mexican friends will truly feel as if they are making some progress.

    Isn't that the American way?

    And listen-all those people on that list, no matter how many racial and ethnic barbs they may or may not have?

    Each and every one of them could be called an asshole.

    Depends what they're like when you meet them.

    And no matter how bad the names they call you might be-at least none of them translates into "pedophile."

    

    And not just because his annual budget for Prada Pope shoes is bigger than what many of his Mexican subjects earn in a year.

    Or how much money he spends on big, foofy hats and jewel-studded dresses each Easter-his tab for fancy rings alone would make The Queen Of England blush.

    No-imagine this scenario:

    You run an organization which is in the business of killing and stealing. When one of the guys who works for you gets caught killing and stealing-instead of going to jail or getting the death penalty-you get to send him to a new town where he can kill and steal some more.

    And you keep on doing that over and over again with a ton of guys who work for you until-finally-someone in one of these victimized towns decides to stand up and say-hey, who the hell told these guys they can just come in here and kill and steal? Then-and only then-do you submit to the basic laws of humankind and agree to prosecute the guys who work for you and turn them over to the authorities.

    Sound like the Mafia?

    No-the Mafia would LOVE to have that business plan.

    The very same business plan the Catholic Church has used for hundreds and hundreds of years.

    Priests have been allowed to kill the trust and faith of young boys and steal their innocence and their souls through rampant sexual abuse and the church's reaction-and the pope is the head of the church-has been to transfer each offending father to a different parish. That way he gets to abuse a whole new set of kids and the church gets to keep all its money.

    'Cause that's what it's all about, folks. Moolah.

    The Original Popes-good name for a band-were allowed to marry and have sex and produce children but eventually this led to affairs and then Bastard Children-let's call them the pope-arazzi-started showing up unannounced and demanding money and land. The church-realizing what a lousy system this was-decided to declare that all future priests and popes had to remain Celibate-thereby giving them the public rank of monks and thereby allowing the church to exist in a tax-free domain.

    So all the real estate and all the money the people gave to the church every time they passed the basket? Cold, hard cash baby.

    Priests weren't giving up sex to prove their devotion to God. They gave it up so the church could BUY stuff: more land, more gold, mo' dresses, mo' hats. Could there be a more hat-centric organization on the planet? The priesthood is like a giant army and all the rankings are based on headwear-the bigger the hat, the more important the guy. Regular priests get none, monsignors get nice magenta caps, bishops get bonnets, cardinals each sport a holy red skypiece and the pope's biggest fish-mouth-shaped chapeau is actually called The Tiara.

    Let me repeat that-The Tiara.

    It's like Tim Gunn went back in time to say-Your Holiness, nothing says Look At Me! more than a shiny crown.

    Once they had chosen the No Sex But Plenty Of Elaborate Outfits route, was it any wonder that men with a penchant for other men and free-flowing robes would sign up? And, of course, one thing led to another and one day some priest realized he had an attraction to little boys and-what a surprise-he happened to be in a job where he was SURROUNDED by the little fellas-WHAT A JACKPOT!

    And off to the sex abuse races they went.

    Until the charges started trickling in.

    The Catholic Church avoided cooperating in sex abuse investigations all over the earth until they absolutely had to start coughing up the cabbage. Meanwhile, thousands and thousands of young boys and young men had their lives forever forsaken by these Pedophiles On Parade. And then-to top it all off-they deign to tell young couples on the verge of marriage what it takes to form a long-lasting union or hormone-crazed teenage girls what form of birth control they can or cannot use.

    Well the jig is up, jokers.

    Two billion dollars in we're-so-sorry payments later on doesn't mean dick to the ex-altar boys who sought your counsel and confirmation but ended up instead committing suicide or sitting on a sofa four times a week spilling their guts out to a shrink-two billion barely cracks the bill for lifelong therapy. Especially in Manhattan. (Four billion might get you through the first two and a half years, not including Hanukkah gifts.)

    It's time to take the pontiff and his pontificates to task.

    Throw the old commandments out the back door because I proudly present to you:

    

    The NEW Ten Commandments.

    (I just got these from Jesus and MAN is he pissed)

    

    1. THOU SHALT NOT KILL-unless the priest is much bigger than you and somehow gets the upper hand, then hitting him with a lamp, a heavy gold chalice or even a handy statue of the Virgin Mother is totally allowed. (My suggestion? The statue of my mom will probably get the job done the quickest, plus it's got all kinds of symbolic value-once the story hits the papers.)

    2. DO NOT TAKE THE NAME OF THE LORD THY GOD IN VAIN- which I still don't like but if the priest quickly pinches your ass or makes googley eyes at you while other people are around, a loud "Jesus Christ, Father-what the hell are ya doin'?" will work wonders.

    3. HONOR THY FATHER AND THY MOTHER-meaning your ACTUAL father and mother, not the sterling-silver-crucifix-toting Barbra Streisand fan following you around like a gay cat in heat or the angry lesbian who instead of acting on her sexual urges decided to don religious garb and bust the balls of young bucks like you. Those two you can tell to go fuck themselves. Also-give them this personal message from me-Jesus will see you in hell. Where there are no Melissa Etheridge records or Sex and the City DVDs.

    4. THOU SHALT NOT COVET-any items any priests leave lying around. Like candy, cigarettes, roofies-believe me, these assholes will use anything they can to lure you into their nests. Ignore it all.

    5. THOU SHALT NOT WORSHIP FALSE GODS BEFORE ME-I should really re-title this one. By false Gods I mean Michael Jackson. Do not go to his house or hotel room or anywhere with this guy-I don't give a shit what Macaulay Culkin says-the guy's a weirdo. That nose? Whatever happened to the old saying "I am as God made me?" I talked to my old man-He don't make noses like that. Believe me when I tell you-Michael Jackson is a priest in pop star's clothing.

    6. THOU SHALT NOT STEAL-unless it's money from a priest. He leaves his wallet layin' around with a couple hun-gee hangin' out? Consider it yours. Rolex watches, antique clocks, Cuban cigars-hey, you heard about what I did with the merchants at the Temple? Same deal. Consider it all a down payment on the whole church's Big Bad Karma bill. Which I'm tabulating as we speak.

    7. CHARLTON HESTON WAS ALRIGHT BY ME-this one has nothing to do with the pedophile priest thing, I just wanted to make it official-me and my dad thought Chuck was pretty swell. I mean, yer just not gonna find a better guy to play Moses-even Moses thinks so, and he originally wanted John Wayne to play the part. But Chuck pulled it off with panache. Even if they were gonna remake that picture right now-who could you get who'd be better? Matt Damon? Too wimpy. Clooney? Gimme a break. And I love DeNiro as much as the next prophet but method is the last thing you want in a biblical epic. Remember Harvey Keitel in Scorsese's Last Temptation of Me? Yikes. By the way-if Dafoe can play me-why can't Denis? Well-doesn't matter. They'll never let him do it now. P.S. SPEAKING OF CHARLTON HESTON- that whole Planet of the Apes thing? That was a message from Us. You guys don't shape up down there soon-poverty, war, Terrell Owens, etc.-we're turning the whole place over to West African Spider Monkeys. They're good with their hands and they're not easily mollified by the TV, unless Regis and Kelly are on. They love Regis.

    8. THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY-this one means the same thing it always did. Don't sleep with someone if you're married to someone else. It really sucks. Take my word for it, you get caught? Me and my old man are the least of your worries.

    9. THE MEEK SHALL INHERIT THE EARTH- what we mean by this is, payback's a bitch. We already said we love Charlton Heston, so you can imagine what our stand on gun control is. My dad waves his miter a couple of times-miter, cane, wand-same difference-and the next thing you know all the guns fall into the hands of the meek-which in the case of the Catholic Church means the kids the priests were abusing. That's right-when I said turn the other cheek I meant the ones above the neck, you sinbags. Praise my dad and pass the ammunition.

    10. GO SOX-yeah, that's right. We're all Red Sox fans up here. Everything you've heard is true-Evil Empire, Curse Of The Bambino, blah bibleddy blah. Satan controlled all of professional sports unimpeded by Us for the last couple of centuries. We were a little too busy fighting off the Black Plague, Hitler and eight years of Richard Nixon to answer any prayers of help being offered up by overpaid wide receivers and Rico Petrocelli. Until the Yankees got that three games to none lead over the Red Sox in the 2004 playoffs. That's when my dad and I decided to step in. I mean, we're not gonna go crazy about it-the Sox won't win EVERY season. But over the next decade or so? Let's just say Fenway Park might have a little invisible halo hanging above it.

    11. THAT'S RIGHT-JUST LIKE SPINAL TAP-the Ten Commandments now go all the way up to eleven. This one should already be crystal clear: don't send money to vain, hypocritical preachers you see on TV. The list of smarmy, con artist idiots in that occupation is so long and rife with humdingers-Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker, Jimmy Lee Swaggart-the names alone are supposed to give you a hint. Swaggart? Come on. Rhymes with Braggart? There's a cocky black televangelist currently invoking my name and my Father's presence as he flies across America from religious gig to religious gig in a five-million-dollar private jet. His name is Creflo Dollar. If I may take my own name in vain-Jesus H. Christ! What do I have to do-draw you a friggin' map? Stop giving your dollars to Dollar. Like I said-we're a little busy up here. Right now we got the whole Darfur thing, the crisis in the Middle East and whether or not to let Nicolas Cage continue to make movies. You guys gotta show a little common sense down there. Speaking of which-my dad wants to put this right out on the table-He does not now, nor has He ever, spoken to George W. Bush about his administration's policies. All He does is lean down and whisper once or twice a day-"Hmmm-a warm glass of whiskey sure would taste good right about now. Do it, Georgie, do it." Of course, Bush is such a moron he thinks my dad is the devil and ends up listening to the other guy. Who wants him to bomb everything. Go figure. See ya soon!

    Forever Yours,

    JHC.