Wildcat Fireflies (20 page)

T
here wasn’t a good way or a good time to tell Tens, but my gut feeling said I needed to go see Juliet alone. “I think I should go by myself.”

“Where?” he asked.

“To meet Juliet.”

Tens straightened. “Uh, no. Hell, no.”

I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply. “Hear me out?”

“Why? It’s moronic. Stupid idea.”

I tried to remind myself that Tens was simply watching out for me. Trying to keep me safe. That he didn’t
mean to be bossy and dogmatic. “You don’t need to be rude.”

“Clearly I do if you’re even contemplating this.”

Licks of hot anger flickered at my heart. “I’m not stupid.”

“No, you’re very smart, but this idea, this plan, is really, really dumb.”

I hate confrontation. I hate arguing.
I am right
. “Tens. We have to talk about this.”

“No, we don’t.” He stoked my distress and frustration with his own.

I held my ground. “Yes, we do, but if you won’t talk about it, then you can listen.”

My expression, or my tone, shut him up.

“I need to go by myself because we’ll intimidate her together—it’s like ganging up on her.” It’s how I had felt with Auntie and Tens knowing more about me than I knew about myself. “I know what I’m talking about.”

He swallowed but didn’t answer, just continued whittling a chunk of wood to sawdust instead of the usual animal.

I tried again. “We tried waiting out there together and we didn’t see her.”

“No, we met Minerva and Bodie. You don’t think that was important?” He shook his head like I’d told him I believed the sky was orange, not blue.

I pressed. “I’m not saying that. Of course they’re important. I’m saying that I want to try alone.”

Silence stretched.

He wouldn’t give. He wasn’t going to hear me. He’d shut down so completely that I wouldn’t get through to him. I felt it.

“Are you finished?” he asked eventually.

I nodded, crossing my arms.

“I’m your Protector. Right?”

“Yes.”

“I protect you.”

“Right.” I bit off my agreement.

“So, why would going anywhere by yourself be a good idea?”

“Oh, come on. You don’t know what that means. You’re not a ninja and I’m not incapable. You’re my boyfriend, not my boss.”

“Your boss?”

“That’s what you’re acting like. Like you know better and more, instead of working with me and figuring it out together.”

“Maybe I do know more.”

I rolled my eyes. “Care to share?” I wanted to throw a chunk of wood at him.

“You’re being so immature right now.”

“And you’re being sanctimonious and arrogant.”

He shrugged. “You go by yourself and I’ll follow you.”

“That’s not going by myself.”

“That’s the deal.”

Just because we’re soul mates doesn’t mean we have to be inseparable
. “Minerva will be there,” I said.

“Yes, the cat. What’s she going to do, hiss at a Nocti?”

“As opposed to what? What is your special power? Besides sometimes knowing what I’m feeling, or where I am, or what I’m doing?”

“And why do you think I can do that, Merry? To aggravate you? Or maybe there’s a bigger reason.”

“Do you know what the reason is?” I parried.

He stuttered.

I pointed at him in triumph. “See, you don’t know why either! Just because you can, doesn’t mean you know more about me than I do.”

“We’re getting nowhere. I’ll follow you. I’m not going to leave you alone to get killed.”

“Why do you assume something bad is going to happen?”

“Why do you assume it won’t? We have no evidence to suggest it won’t.”

“Tens, stop. Fine, come with me. But if it doesn’t work, I’m going alone and you can hide in the bushes or up your own ass.” I slammed into the bathroom.

“Nice!” He yelled through the door, and then I heard the front door crash. Custos howled.

He made me so mad. I scrubbed my face until it was raw and blazed irritation.

I knew I could count on him no matter what. And part of me rebelled. I was waiting for him to decide it wasn’t fun, that he’d be better off walking away and pretending to be normal. I was waiting for him to hand me a bus ticket and pass me off.

Because he could. He could walk away and I couldn’t.

It didn’t matter where I went, I couldn’t leave my
Fenestra self behind. But he could stop being my Protector. If he got tired of the death, and the threats from Nocti, and the constant state of not knowing what was happening around us, he could get far away from me. And so what if he occasionally knew I was sad, or happy, or scared? He could ignore that. My mother had managed to ignore the corpses that gathered around me—feelings should be no problem for him. Way harder to ignore the dead bodies and the souls crashing into me. Why couldn’t I simply explain that to him? Why did I have to pick a fight and hope he got the point? I sank to the tiled floor. The adrenaline finally petered out and I saw myself with perspective.

When I exited the cottage, Tens sat in the truck; Custos lay in the bed of it, waiting. She wagged her tail at me, which gave me the strength to walk over and open the passenger door. I climbed in.

“Ready?” Tens asked. Tension smoldered between us.

I nodded. I opened my mouth but could force none of my truth out.

We drove the truck to the boat ramp and walked in, startling a covey of quail who ran like cartoons away from us until they could fly into a cover of brush. These woods were beginning to be very familiar to me; I felt like I could almost call out the names of the white-tailed deer we passed. The scent of sun on the plowed fields smelled like spring. Our pace was fast, since Tens’s legs were twice the length of mine and his anger carried him forward briskly.

I jogged to keep up, refusing to ask him to slow down. Ground squirrels chastised us for bothering them.
Cardinals, grackles, and chickadees, still in their winter colors, occupied the canopy branches above us. Tiny yellow pansy-type flowers and purple crocus bloomed underfoot and several kinds of fern unfurled their tentacles for the sun as if they, too, were tired of winter.

As we neared Dunklebarger, my fingertips tingled and my legs felt like I had walked waist-deep into the ocean. A current of energy, and something else, rolled around me, threatening to overwhelm me and lift me spiritually out of my body. It required huge amounts of concentration to stay focused.

“Tens?” I whispered

I felt woogy. Odd. Not bad, but not pleasant.

“What? What’s going on?” Tens grabbed my hand. “You’re burning up.” In that moment, we both forgot our fight and focused on the here and now.

“I don’t know. I feel weird.” I felt like I was shouting at him, but the words came out barely audible even to my own ears.

“How weird? We’re coming up toward the house. Do you want to turn around? Go back?”

My arm wrapped around Tens’s waist. I felt the cold bump of steel at the small of his back.
When did he add a firearm to his wardrobe?

I felt like I was swimming in a bathtub. Like the world wasn’t quite big enough.

“Turn around?” he asked. Concern and confusion had him reaching for me.

“No, keep going.” But I wasn’t sure.

He made encouraging sounds but seemed as if he was
battling the instinct to pick me up and take me home. “We’re almost there. Someone’s up ahead. You see?”

My gaze was focused on the ground in front of me, but I lifted my head to see. I nodded. Not Bodie, and not a cat.

“Hello?” Tens tucked me against his side, as we approached a girl looking out onto the creek.

She startled and poised herself to leave. Tall, a good foot of sturdy height on me. Thick blond hair escaped a braid down her back. Bronzed eyes full of panic and sadness and something I couldn’t place. She stepped back, away from us. But not before I noted the bruising beneath her eyes and the welts on her forearms.

I didn’t need Rumi to tell me this was our Fenestra. I knew it, felt a kinship immediately that spoke to my soul in a way only Auntie did. It felt like a piece of me was back in my heart. Like I’d woken from a really great nap, full of energy and ready for anything.

“Please don’t go,” Tens said. “Are you—”

“Juliet?” I asked, shaking off the fog.

She paled, with fear widening her eyes.

I stretched my open hands out in front of me. I entreated, “We’re friends. We won’t hurt you.”

“We only want to talk.” Tens helped me sit on a log. We didn’t move any closer to her, afraid she’d spook.

She didn’t leave, but didn’t come closer either. “I—I—”

She seemed unable to pull words or form sentences. I wondered if she could talk, if it was fear that made her mute. It truly didn’t matter. There were things she needed to know. To hear. Quickly, before she ran.

This is my one chance
. I swallowed down urgency,
excitement. Tried to make my voice sound calm and patient. “My name is Meridian. This is Tens.”
God, how the hell do you do this? Without sounding like a freak? Or a lunatic? Or a serial killer?

My ears popped like we were climbing a mountain or descending one too fast.

She stumbled a little further away, but stayed close enough that I could still talk at a normal volume. “Please, you don’t need to be afraid. We’ve been looking for you.”

“Who?” Again, she moved steps away from us. Prepared to flee.

“We’re staying at Helios, down in Carmel. We can help you. We were sent to help you. Are you okay?”

She laughed a bit maniacally but didn’t answer the question. She backed up further.

“We’re going to come here. We’ll wait here. When you’re ready to talk to us, we’ll be here. Or you can find us at Helios. We’ll help. We have answers.” The desperation I felt was evident in my voice. I don’t know what I had expected, but I thought she’d see me, know me, and we’d skip along like friends.
Moronic and dumb
.

She ran from us, her French braid bouncing between her shoulder blades—my mother called them angel wings and now I knew why.

“That went well.” Tens spoke the obvious.

“What the hell do we do now?” I asked, sinking against him.

“M
eridian, Tens!” Joi bolted out Helios’s kitchen door when we pulled up. She waved her hands and jogged over.

“What’s wrong?” I asked, racing out of the truck. Were Nocti here? Had something happened to Rumi? Had the store been robbed?

Tens, on edge like me, didn’t even take the keys out of the ignition before launching himself around the side of the truck. “What happened?”

She stutter-stepped, puzzlement filling her face. She
glanced from me to Tens and back again. “Nothing. Nothing. Who said anything about there being something wrong?”

“You were frantic,” I accused, sharper than I intended.

She shook her head. “Excited. Are you okay? Do you need to sit down? Let’s go inside.” Joi tried to carefully shepherd me toward the cottage, clucking all the while.

“No, I’m okay. Sorry. It seemed like you … like something was wrong.” I wasn’t okay, but I tried to make my face calm and healthy.

“What’s going on?” Tens stepped up behind me in support and comfort. My back fit snugly against his front.

“I remember hearing about your Father Anthony. He retired from the northern part of the state, where my cousin lives; her in-laws were in his parish. He was traveling in Africa. I don’t know if he’s still there or moved back to the States. I’ve put some calls out to find out where he is. I should know soon. That’s all. I remembered and I wanted you to know before I left. It seemed important to you.”

I sagged. I couldn’t help it. Good news, yes, but so good that it was worth my anxiety attack? Not so much. “Thank you. Thank you,” I repeated myself, hugging Joi, trying to push calm energy at her so she’d stop looking at me like I was going to faint or keel over right there.

“Get her inside and make her lie down. I’ll let you know when I hear more. I’ll walk slowly and smile.” Joi spoke to Tens as if I weren’t standing there. I didn’t blame her. She thought I was a desperately ill patient.

“Sure thing.” Tens led me back inside the cottage like I was fragile.

“Stop acting like I’m an invalid,” I snapped.

Tens dropped my arm immediately. “Sorry.”

I sighed. “No, I’m wrong. I’m sorry.” I’d crossed the yellow bitch line too many times this week.

“Forget it.” He pawed through the kitchen while I kicked my shoes off.

“What do we do now?”

He shook his head.

I crossed the room and laid my forehead on his back. I hugged his waist. “Look, I’m sorry about earlier. I hate fighting.”

He turned into my arms. “You had a point.”

“What?” I wasn’t going to assume that he saw the point of the fight the same way I did and start a whole new one. I kept my head down, not making eye contact on purpose.

“We don’t have to be codependent. Not all the time.”

Is that what I was talking about? “Sometimes, I just—”

He lifted my chin, forcing my eyes up. I drowned in his.

I shook my head, trying to find the words. “I want us to be exponentially stronger together because we’re solid individuals. I don’t want us to be just the sum of our parts.”

He nodded. “I only want you to be the best you. How cheesy is that?”

“It’s not. I am, with you. I love you. You’re the first person in my life to see me and love me unconditionally, but it scares me too.”

“Scares you?” he questioned.

“Terrifies me.” I nodded, desperate to make him understand.

“Oh.” He didn’t seem to know how to react to that and pulled away.

I had to get us back on track. “Tens, can I sense you, too? Does it work both ways?”

“I don’t know.” He shrugged.

“Well, how do you do it? I want to try it.” I followed him and sat next to him on the couch.

“It’s not like it’s a switch I throw, or a trick or anything.” He huffed and leaned back against the couch, resting his hands over his face.