Will You Remember Me? (26 page)

Poppy could hear a single note ringing in her ears. But she knew she had to keep calm – no one close to her at that point deserved to witness the rage that boiled inside her.

‘I didn’t want to go home yet, Mummy! I haven’t danced enough and I didn’t have any of that special cake!’ Peg whined.

‘I’ve got some cake at home,’ Poppy croaked.

‘But I wanted that chocolate cake with the pictures on and the chocolate ribbons, and Max did too, didn’t you, Maxy?’

Max’s head lolled on his chest. He was shattered.

‘Well, I’m sure it will turn up at the house and you can have some when it does.’ She spoke into the back of her knuckles, which were stuffed into her mouth, her elbow propped on the door.

‘Maybe Aunty Jo can bring—’

‘Shut up, Peg! For God’s sake, just shut up! Christ, it’s incessant. I just need a moment of bloody quiet. It’s only a cake and she is not your aunty, just an old next-door neighbour!’

With that one statement, Poppy had managed to make her daughter cry and Claudia gasp – it was so much more than just a cake.

‘Don’t cry, darling.’ Claudia spoke to Peg, who whimpered on the back seat.

Poppy looked out of the window and despite trying to focus on the hedgerows and houses that whizzed by, she could only see Jo’s splayed hands, her fingers arched into Mart’s jacket, their heads twisted at opposite angles. She couldn’t make the picture go away.

Poppy walked straight through the house and into the back garden. She wanted some fresh air. She ran her hand over the trampoline and thought of the times they had bounced on it as a family. She heard his words as if he had spoken them yesterday: ‘There is nowhere on earth that I would rather be than right here, right now. It’s going to be the best year, Poppy. I just know it.’

Poppy looked up into the dark windows of the house next door. What was going on? What had she missed? Were they seeing each other? And if so, for how long? Her stomach constricted without warning and she vomited where she stood. The watery release splashed from the edge of the trampoline and hit the front of her pretty dress – not that she cared. She didn’t care about much as she wiped her mouth with the back of her hand.

Shivering despite the warm summer evening, Poppy trod the stairs and lay on the bed in her clothes. Her tears when they came beat a steady path, a tiny river that flowed over her nose and across her chin and pooled onto her water-silk frock, leaving a damp stain.

Claudia crept in and hovered by the bed. She removed Poppy’s sparkly heels and lifted the bottom of the duvet to cover her toes and calves. ‘You stay here. I’ll get Max to bed and see to Peg. They’ll be fine. Do you need anything, darling?’

Poppy shook her head. The image of the two of them reappeared at every blink of her eyelids.

Claudia dug deep to find a smile as she traipsed down the stairs. Max had fallen asleep on the sofa, still in his finery, and Peg was kneeling beside Toffee’s cage.

‘It’s okay, Toffee. Come on, let’s have a cuddle. She doesn’t mean to shout at us. Daddy said it’s because she’s feeling poorly and we have to be as good as we can.’ Peg held her squeaking guinea pig under her chin and stroked his fur across her skin. She whispered into his chubby belly. ‘I liked the old Mummy that wasn’t poorly. I think this new Mummy can be a bit of a meanie.’

‘How about I see if I can find us some cake and I whip us up a mug of hot chocolate?’ Claudia offered.

Peg shook her head. She wasn’t in the mood.

Once Peg was tucked up and Max was sound asleep, Claudia checked again on Poppy, who hadn’t moved. She crept down the stairs and sat on the sofa. ‘What a bloody mess.’ She sighed, trying to think of a solution to this most horrible of situations.

She must have dozed off, because a key in the lock woke her. She sat up straight and faced Martin, who stood in the doorway. He looked terrible: his hair was dishevelled, his jacket hung over his shoulder and his face was twisted in the ugly grimace of someone who’d been crying. It was hard to recognise the beaming man who had given the heartfelt speech earlier.

‘I was worried about you,’ Claudia blurted out, truthful and neutral as ever.

‘Is she okay?’ he asked, blinking his red-rimmed eyes.

‘Not really, no.’

Martin sat on the edge of the sofa. ‘It’s like a nightmare. I can’t believe it!’ His tears welled up again.

‘What happened?’ Claudia’s voice was soft.

Martin shook his head. ‘I left the stage and I felt ten feet tall, so happy.’ He swallowed. ‘I kind of grabbed at Poppy – it seemed like a good idea, I just wanted my wife, no one else.’ He shook his head. ‘But of course it wasn’t. I’d had too much to drink and I was heading for the loo. I went into the cloakroom, got the wrong door and Jo was standing there.’ He pinched his nose and closed his eyes. ‘She said something about my speech, said it was moving, I can’t remember what. She came towards me and I thought she was going to give me a hug, but she kissed me and I kissed her back and it just happened.’

‘Just happened?’

They both looked towards the door. Neither of them had heard Poppy come down the stairs.

‘Poppy, I—’ He stuttered.

‘Don’t speak to me!’ Poppy’s voice shook with emotion. ‘Are you having an affair with her?’ Her hands were so tightly clenched that her nails drew half moons of blood on her palms.

‘What? No! No.’

Poppy didn’t know what to believe. Everything she’d thought she could rely on, everything she thought she knew had been erased with one tilt of the head.

Neither she nor Martin noticed Claudia slide off the sofa, go into the kitchen and shut the door.

‘Do you love her?’ Poppy whispered

‘No! Of course I don’t, no! It wasn’t love, just a bit of comfort, someone familiar that wanted me.’ He looked at the floor.

‘There is no “of course” about any of this.’ Her chest heaved. ‘I waited my whole life for tonight, my whole fucking life for a party, my wedding reception! How could you do that to me, to Peg and Max?’ Her voice was shrill, her vocal chords taut with emotion.

He shook his head.

‘When I think about the sacrifices I made to get you home…’ Poppy bent and wept as the words left her mouth. Martin stood and placed his hand on her back, feeling the knobbles of her spine under the thin covering of skin. She flinched as if she’d been struck. ‘Don’t you touch me! Don’t you dare touch me!’

He stood back and twisted his palms together. ‘I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry. It was the first time someone had been nice to me in a long time. I don’t know what to say to make it better. Tell me what to say!’

Martin put his fist to his mouth to try and stop his shakes.

Poppy sat on the sofa and took off her plastic diamond. ‘The first time someone had been nice to you? You poor old thing, Mart. Well, I hope it made you feel better.’ The sarcasm dripped from her lips. ‘I can’t believe I sat here a few hours ago and you got down on one knee and proposed to me! Proposed to me in front of the kids – and then you did that? With Jo, my friend – she
was
my friend.’ Poppy’s whole body shook at the admission. ‘I’ll fucking kill her!’

‘I’m sorry. I had too much to drink and I felt good and then it just happened.’ He spoke to the floor.

‘Stop saying it just happened! That doesn’t
just
happen, you make it happen or you let it happen! Sticking your tongue down someone else’s neck and letting them hold you doesn’t just happen!’ As soon as the words left her mouth, she retched and then vomited, like she had earlier. This time it landed on the floor. Neither of them made any attempt to clear it up. ‘I
saw
you… I saw you, Mart.’

‘Poppy, please…’

‘We are done, Mart. We are done.’ Poppy stood up and pulled away the hair that was stuck to her chin with vomit. ‘Get a bag together and get out. Just go.’

‘Where?’ he asked.

‘As if I fucking care!’ she screamed. ‘I bet if you head off now, you can make Marlborough within the hour.’

‘I don’t want to go to Marlborough,’ Martin retorted, his voice shaky. ‘I don’t want to go anywhere. I want to be with you. Supposing you are ill? I need to be here for the kids.’

Poppy stood on the bottom stair. ‘Well I don’t want to be with you. And we’ve got Claudia here – the kids don’t need you.’

‘You are my whole world, Poppy. You and the kids are everything… and I’m losing you.’ He sniffed and gulped. ‘Maybe… maybe I felt a bit relieved to know that there… there might be some kind of life for me, after…’

Poppy felt her chest cave. ‘Are you kidding me? Are you saying you have a future with Jo after I’m dead?’

‘No!’ he shouted. ‘That is absolutely
not
what I’m saying. But the feeling of happiness, for one second, that filled my gut… For once it wasn’t about you or the kids, and that… that… gave me some hope.’ He sighed heavily, rubbed his hand through his hair and mumbled at the floor. ‘I’m not explaining this very well.’

‘You’re bloody right you’re not!’ Poppy shouted back. ‘And if you think you are coming out to St Lucia, you’ve got another thing coming. I’m going on my own and I’ll be gone for ten days, so you’ll have plenty of time to practise that feeling of happiness in your gut that is nothing to do with me or the kids!’

‘Poppy that’s not what I meant, please…’

‘Save it, Mart!’ She was adamant.

She took another couple of stairs before turning back and addressing him again.

‘Do you remember Mr Collins who ran the chippy in the precinct?’

Martin gave a small nod. Of course he did. Mr Collins had served him his tea at least four nights a week throughout his childhood.

‘Do you remember when he got married to Marcia who worked in the café, just three months after Mrs Collins died? There was uproar, it was all people on the estate talked about. “Bit soon, isn’t it? Do you think they’ve been carrying on for long?” Well I tell you what, Mart, you take the biscuit – at least Mr Collins waited until his wife was actually dead.’

‘I only want you. I’ve only ever wanted you.’

‘Well you’ve a very funny way of showing it. Fuck off, Mart, and close the door on your way out.’

Poppy spent the next day in bed, mentally and physically exhausted.

Claudia ferried cups of tea up and down the stairs, followed by mugs of soup; anything that she thought might tempt her to eat. She drew the curtains and cracked open the small window. ‘Bit of a breeze might make you feel better.’

‘Kids okay?’

‘Oh they’re great. Resilient little creatures at the best of times.’

‘This feels like the worst of times.’ Poppy sat up, propped against her pillows.

‘It probably does,’ Claudia agreed.

Poppy liked that she didn’t try to sugar-coat their situation. ‘I keep seeing them together. There was a second or two when they didn’t know I was there.’

‘You have to try and not keep picturing it. It’s only torturing yourself.’ Claudia folded a clean towel and placed it on the shelf in the wardrobe.

‘I wish I could switch it off, but I can’t. I keep wondering what would have happened if I hadn’t walked in, how far they would have gone. Or worse, supposing Peg had walked in?’

‘She didn’t though.’

Poppy swallowed another wave of sickness. ‘I never ever thought this could happen to us. I thought we were solid, rock solid.’

Claudia sat on the mattress. ‘Poppy, I love you, you know that. And I think Martin is an idiot, but—’

‘I don’t want to hear the but!’ Poppy sighed.

‘But,’ Claudia continued as if she hadn’t spoken, ‘this cancer has come along like a sledgehammer and smashed everything you used to be able to rely on to pieces. You said he wasn’t very good at talking about it – goodness, he only cried for the first time when you went back to Walthamstow, isn’t that what you told me?’

Poppy nodded.

‘He had a moment of madness and even though it’s nothing to do with me, I think it would be a huge mistake to throw away your entire family life for the sake of a silly second or two. Especially for Peg and Maxy, who have a lot of heartache ahead of them.’ She let this linger.

‘I know you are right about Peg and Max. But I don’t know that it
was
just a moment of madness. It might have been going on for a while, behind my back.’

Jo’s words echoed in Poppy’s head: ‘You’re so lucky, you know. Mart’s one in a million.’

‘I feel like an idiot, and the worst thing is, I’m not in a position to fight her, Claudia. I’m not in a position to fight anyone.’

‘Then don’t, Poppy. Make it easy for everyone.’

Peg bounded into the room. ‘You’ve got a visitor!’

Poppy felt her stomach flip. Had Jo turned up?

‘It’s Toffee!’ Peg pulled the plump guinea pig from behind her back. ‘Here he is.’

Poppy sat up and Peg placed the furry little puffball on the duvet. ‘Hello, Toffee, thank you for coming to visit me.’

Peg gave him a little nudge until he was closer to Poppy. She stroked him as he sat still, trembling. Poppy wasn’t sure if he was afraid or delighted to be there.

‘Hey, Toffee, did Peg tell you I shouted at her last night?’

Peg nodded.

‘The thing is, Toffee, sometimes when you get grumpy or angry you shout at someone because you are feeling mad, even though the person you are shouting at hasn’t done anything wrong. And that’s what happened. Peg’s mum is very sorry for shouting at the wrong person.’

‘Toffee says he understands that, Mum.’

‘Well thank you, Toffee, for being so grown-up and gorgeous.’

‘Is Daddy the person you wanted to shout at? Is that why he’s not here?’

‘Yes,’ Poppy answered.

‘I don’t like you and Daddy fighting.’ Peg looked tearful.

Poppy sighed. ‘I know. It’s just sometimes it feels like that’s the only way to get something sorted out.’

Peg retrieved her pet and nuzzled him under her chin. ‘Couldn’t you just write to each other or sort it all out nicely over a cup of tea?’

Claudia smiled. ‘Out of the mouths of babes…’

‘Mummy, your phone is buzzing.’ Peg handed the vibrating phone to Poppy.

It was a text, from Jo.

Poppy pictured her and Mart again as she opened the message and read her friend’s apology and request for contact. She switched off the phone and placed it face down on the bedside table. She was torn between not wanting to see her ever again and relishing the prospect of telling her what she thought of her face to face, venting all the words that swirled around her head and interrupted her sleep at three in the morning.