William Shakespeare: The Complete Works 2nd Edition (269 page)

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Authors: William Shakespeare

Tags: #Drama, #Literary Criticism, #Shakespeare

BOOK: William Shakespeare: The Complete Works 2nd Edition
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DON JOHN I will disparage her no farther till you are my witnesses. Bear it coldly but till midnight, and let the issue show itself.
DON PEDRO O day untowardly turned!
CLAUDIO O mischief strangely thwarting!
DON JOHN O plague right well prevented!—So will you say when you have seen the sequel.
Exeunt
3.3
Enter Dogberry and his compartner Verges, with the Watch
 
DOGBERRY Are you good men and true?
VERGES Yea, or else it were pity but they should suffer salvation, body and soul.
DOGBERRY Nay, that were a punishment too good for them if they should have any allegiance in them, being chosen for the Prince’s watch.
VERGES Well, give them their charge, neighbour Dogberry.
DOGBERRY First, who think you the most desertless man to be constable?
SECOND WATCHMAN Hugh Oatcake, sir, or George Seacoal, for they can write and read.
DOGBERRY Come hither, neighbour Seacoal, God hath blest you with a good name. To be a well-favoured man is the gift of fortune, but to write and read comes by nature.
FIRST WATCHMAN Both which, Master Constable—
DOGBERRY You have. I knew it would be your answer. Well, for your favour, sir, why, give God thanks, and make no boast of it. And for your writing and reading, let that appear when there is no need of such vanity. You are thought here to be the most senseless and fit man for the constable of the watch, therefore bear you the lantern. This is your charge: you shall comprehend all vagrom men. You are to bid any man stand, in the Prince’s name.
FIRST WATCHMAN How if a will not stand?
DOGBERRY Why then take no note of him, but let him go, and presently call the rest of the watch together, and thank God you are rid of a knave.
VERGES If he will not stand when he is bidden he is none of the Prince’s subjects.
DOGBERRY True, and they are to meddle with none but the Prince’s subjects.—You shall also make no noise in the streets, for for the watch to babble and to talk is most tolerable and not to be endured.
A WATCHMAN We will rather sleep than talk. We know what belongs to a watch.
DOGBERRY Why, you speak like an ancient and most quiet watchman, for I cannot see how sleeping should offend. Only have a care that your bills be not stolen. Well, you are to call at all the alehouses and bid those that are drunk get them to bed.
A WATCHMAN How if they will not?
DOGBERRY Why then, let them alone till they are sober. If they make you not then the better answer, you may say they are not the men you took them for.
A WATCHMAN Well, sir.
DOGBERRY If you meet a thief you may suspect him, by virtue of your office, to be no true man; and for such kind of men, the less you meddle or make with them why, the more is for your honesty.
A WATCHMAN If we know him to be a thief, shall we not lay hands on him?
DOGBERRY Truly, by your office you may, but I think they that touch pitch will be defiled. The most peaceable way for you if you do take a thief is to let him show himself what he is, and steal out of your company.
VERGES You have been always called a merciful man, partner.
DOGBERRY Truly, I would not hang a dog by my will, much more a man who hath any honesty in him.
VERGES If you hear a child cry in the night you must call to the nurse and bid her still it.
A WATCHMAN How if the nurse be asleep and will not hear us?
DOGBERRY Why then, depart in peace and let the child wake her with crying, for the ewe that will not hear her lamb when it baes will never answer a calf when he bleats.
VERGES ’Tis very true.
DOGBERRY This is the end of the charge. You, constable, are to present the Prince’s own person. If you meet the Prince in the night you may stay him.
VERGES Nay, by’r Lady, that I think a cannot.
DOGBERRY Five shillings to one on’t with any man that knows the statutes he may stay him. Marry, not without the Prince be willing, for indeed the watch ought to offend no man, and it is an offence to stay a man against his will.
VERGES By’r Lady, I think it be so.
DOGBERRY Ha ha ha! Well, masters, good night. An there be any matter of weight chances, call up me. Keep your fellows’ counsels, and your own, and good night. Come, neighbour.
⌈FIRST⌉ WATCHMAN Well, masters, we hear our charge. Let us go sit here upon the church bench till two, and then all to bed.
DOGBERRY One word more, honest neighbours. I pray you watch about Signor Leonato’s door, for the wedding being there tomorrow, there is a great coil tonight. Adieu. Be vigitant, I beseech you.
Exeunt Dogberry and Verges
. ⌈
The
Watch
sit
⌉
Enter Borachio and Conrad
 
BORACHIO What, Conrad!
⌈FIRST⌉ WATCHMAN (
aside
) Peace, stir not.
BORACHIO Conrad, I say.
CONRAD Here, man, I am at thy elbow.
BORACHIO Mass, an my elbow itched, I thought there would a scab follow.
CONRAD I will owe thee an answer for that. And now, forward with thy tale.
BORACHIO Stand thee close, then, under this penthouse, for it drizzles rain, and I will, like a true drunkard, utter all to thee.
A WATCHMAN (
aside
) Some treason, masters. Yet stand close.
BORACHIO Therefore, know I have earned of Don John a thousand ducats.
CONRAD Is it possible that any villainy should be so dear?
BORACHIO Thou shouldst rather ask if it were possible any villainy should be so rich. For when rich villains have need of poor ones, poor ones may make what price they will.
CONRAD I wonder at it.
BORACHIO That shows thou art unconfirmed. Thou knowest that the fashion of a doublet, or a hat, or a cloak is nothing to a man.
CONRAD Yes, it is apparel.
BORACHIO I mean the fashion.
CONRAD Yes, the fashion is the fashion.
BORACHIO Tush, I may as well say the fool’s the fool. But seest thou not what a deformed thief this fashion is ?
A WATCHMAN (
aside
) I know that Deformed. A has been a vile thief this seven year. A goes up and down like a gentleman. I remember his name.
BORACHIO Didst thou not hear somebody?
CONRAD No, ’twas the vane on the house.
BORACHIO Seest thou not, I say, what a deformed thief this fashion is, how giddily a turns about all the hot-bloods between fourteen and five-and-thirty, sometimes fashioning them like Pharaoh’s soldiers in the reechy painting, sometime like god Bel’s priests in the old church window, sometime like the shaven Hercules in the smirched, worm-eaten tapestry, where his codpiece seems as massy as his club?
CONRAD All this I see, and I see that the fashion wears out more apparel than the man. But art not thou thyself giddy with the fashion, too, that thou hast shifted out of thy tale into telling me of the fashion?
BORACHIO Not so, neither. But know that I have tonight wooed Margaret, the Lady Hero’s gentlewoman, by the name of Hero. She leans me out at her mistress’ chamber window, bids me a thousand times good night—I tell this tale vilely, I should first tell thee how the Prince, Claudio, and my master, planted and placed and possessed by my master, Don John, saw afar off in the orchard this amiable encounter.
CONRAD And thought they Margaret was Hero?
BORACHIO Two of them did, the Prince and Claudio, but the devil my master knew she was Margaret, and partly by his oaths, which first possessed them, partly by the dark night, which did deceive them, but chiefly by my villainy, which did confirm any slander that Don John had made, away went Claudio enraged, swore he would meet her as he was appointed next morning at the temple, and there, before the whole congregation, shame her with what he saw o’ernight, and send her home again without a husband.
⌈FIRST⌉ WATCHMAN (
coming forward
) We charge you in the Prince’s name. Stand.
⌈A WATCHMAN⌉ Call up the right Master Constable. We have here recovered the most dangerous piece of lechery that ever was known in the commonwealth.
⌈FIRST⌉ WATCHMAN And one Deformed is one of them. I know him—a wears a lock.
CONRAD Masters, masters!
⌈A WATCHMAN⌉ You’ll be made bring Deformed forth, I warrant you.
⌈CONRAD⌉ Masters—
⌈A WATCHMAN⌉ Never speak. We charge you. Let us obey you to go with us.
BORACHIO (
to Conrad
) We are like to prove a goodly commodity, being taken up of these men’s bills.
CONRAD A commodity in question, I warrant you. Come, we’ll obey you.
Exeunt
3.4
Enter Hero, Margaret, and Ursula
 
HERO Good Ursula, wake my cousin Beatrice, and desire her to rise.
URSULA I will, lady.
HERO And bid her come hither.
URSULA Well.
Exit
MARGARET Troth, I think your other rebato were better.
HERO No, pray thee, good Meg, I’ll wear this.
MARGARET By my troth, ’s not so good, and I warrant your cousin will say so.
HERO My cousin’s a fool, and thou art another: I’ll wear none but this.
MARGARET I like the new tire within excellently, if the hair were a thought browner. And your gown’s a most rare fashion, i‘faith. I saw the Duchess of Milan’s gown that they praise so.
HERO O, that exceeds, they say.
MARGARET By my troth, ’s but a night-gown in respect of yours—cloth o’ gold, and cuts, and laced with silver, set with pearls, down sleeves, side sleeves, and skirts round underborne with a bluish tinsel. But for a fine, quaint, graceful, and excellent fashion, yours is worth ten on’t.
HERO God give me joy to wear it, for my heart is exceeding heavy.
MARGARET ’Twill be heavier soon by the weight of a man.
HERO Fie upon thee, art not ashamed?
MARGARET Of what, lady? Of speaking honourably ? Is not marriage honourable in a beggar? Is not your lord honourable without marriage? I think you would have me say ‘saving your reverence, a husband’. An bad thinking do not wrest true speaking, I’ll offend nobody. Is there any harm in ‘the heavier for a husband’? None, I think, an it be the right husband and the right wife—otherwise ’tis light and not heavy. Ask my Lady Beatrice else. Here she comes.
Enter Beatrice
HERO Good morrow, coz.
BEATRICE Good morrow, sweet Hero.
HERO Why, how now? Do you speak in the sick tune? BEATRICE I am out of all other tune, methinks. MARGARET Clap ’s into ‘Light o’ love’. That goes without a burden. Do you sing it, and I’ll dance it.
BEATRICE Ye light o’ love with your heels. Then if your husband have stables enough, you’ll see he shall lack no barns.
MARGARET O illegitimate construction! I scorn that with my heels.
BEATRICE (
to Hero
) ‘Tis almost five o’clock, cousin. ’Tis time you were ready. By my troth, I am exceeding ill. Heigh-ho!
MARGARET For a hawk, a horse, or a husband?
BEATRICE For the letter that begins them all—h.
MARGARET Well, an you be not turned Turk, there’s no more sailing by the star.
BEATRICE What means the fool, trow?
MARGARET Nothing, I. But God send everyone their heart’s desire.
HERO These gloves the Count sent me, they are an excellent perfume.
BEATRICE I am stuffed, cousin. I cannot smell.
MARGARET A maid, and stuffed! There’s goodly catching of cold.
BEATRICE O, God help me, God help me. How long have you professed apprehension?
MARGARET Ever since you left it. Doth not my wit become me rarely?
BEATRICE It is not seen enough. You should wear it in your cap. By my troth, I am sick.
MARGARET Get you some of this distilled
carduus benedictus,
and lay it to your heart. It is the only thing for a qualm.
HERO There thou prickest her with a thistle.
BEATRICE Benedictus—why Benedictus? You have some moral in this Benedictus.
MARGARET Moral? No, by my troth, I have no moral meaning. I meant plain holy-thistle. You may think perchance that I think you are in love. Nay, by’r Lady, I am not such a fool to think what I list, nor I list not to think what I can, nor indeed I cannot think, if I would think my heart out of thinking, that you are in love, or that you will be in love, or that you can be in love. Yet Benedick was such another, and now is he become a man. He swore he would never marry, and yet now in despite of his heart he eats his meat without grudging. And how you may be converted I know not, but methinks you look with your eyes, as other women do.

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