Willing Sacrifice (Knights of the Board Room) (33 page)

He nodded, a bleak look in his gray eyes. She put her lips to his temple, spreading her fingers between his shoulder blades. “In this situation, you can only love her,” she said softly. “Help keep the pieces together. That was the lesson I learned when I crossed paths with Matt, and he helped me pick up my pieces. If he hadn’t been there, it’s very likely I would be in a far worse place than I am now. Each of us has this sense that we’re somehow divinely touched, a chosen person, but the reality is we’re no different from any other creature struggling to survive. We try to find moments of peace and contentment, ways to enjoy the life we’ve been given, because this life is the only sure promise we have. You’ve given her the very best option she can have, and she has you.”

Janet touched his face, drawing his gaze up to hers. “I can tell you that if I was reduced to nothing, but you were a part of my life, I’d still feel blessed. The fact that girl’s eyes light up at the sight of you says she knows it too, even if she knows nothing else. You’re her peace and contentment, Max.”

He stared at her. She’d never been gladder for her hard-ass, no-nonsense bitch reputation, because it meant the sincere words had the power to startle him, shock him out of the dark place his mind had been trying to take him. And she did mean it. It even shook her up a little, given that her words weren’t much different from a declaration of love. Perhaps even more significant than that.

“Thank you.” His voice cracked a little. He cleared his throat. His arms had slipped down into a loose coil on her hips, his fingers curved over her buttocks. Not as a sexual tease, but more as a resting place from where they’d fallen, loose and tired. She kept her arm around his shoulders, stroked the hair at his nape, encouraging him to lay his head back down on her breast.
You can rest for a little while, Max
, she thought to herself.
I’ve got you
.

Even a warrior deserved a port in a storm. Maybe especially a warrior.

“My mom and I were really close,” he said, his breath warm on her flesh. “Like partners, as I got into my teens and could bring home some money. We were in such a crappy neighborhood, broke, barely making it. I wasn’t great at academics, but I had such self-discipline and determination, the school guidance counselor suggested I look at the SEAL program. Mom encouraged me in every way possible to do it, and kicked my ass if I even looked toward the riffraff in our neighborhood that wanted me to go a different way. She was so proud when I graduated from BUD/S, both her and Amanda.”

That was where he’d acquired his deep respect for women, Janet realized. He’d experienced firsthand the power of a tough, loving mother. “I was worried about leaving them in that neighborhood, but I sent them home money, which she could put away to get them into a better place eventually.” He swallowed. “There was this one op…I can’t tell you much about it, but basically for a short time we had our hands on a shitload of drug money, confiscated on a raid. It was just us six guys watching over it, guys who knew everything about one another.

“One of my buddies joked about grabbing a handful before the politicians had their hands on it. They even did the Mel Gibson impersonation. You know, from
Lethal Weapon II
, where Murtaugh is thinking about taking some drug money to put his kids through college, but then puts it back, saying it’s fucking drug money. And Riggs says, ‘So? Do some good with it’. That haunts me now. If I’d taken one fucking fistful of that money home, my mom and sister could have moved out of that neighborhood. That’s a stain I could have borne on my soul.”

She considered that. “But it would have been different, wouldn’t it? You wouldn’t have known then you were saving them from that fate. You would have been just some guy who did something immoral, going against everything the SEALs stand for. You would have taken the easy way out to give your mom and sister a better place to live, and if your mom’s the type of person you say she is, she wouldn’t have wanted you to do that. She would have donated the money to some charity, and kicked your ass seven different ways.”

His lips twisted. “Yeah, she would have. Dale—he’s a buddy of mine—says the same thing you do, that the only sure thing we know is that we have this life. That the code we live by says what and who we are. Nothing else matters, everything different is just an excuse. You’d like him. He’s a hard-ass like you. Metaphorically.” He gave her a discreet squeeze. “The actual ass feels pretty good.”

“Mine or Dale’s?”

“I’ve never felt Dale’s. Never had the urge and he’d probably shoot me in the balls if I did, but my guess is yours feels better.”

“At least you didn’t say it was soft,” she sniffed.

“Only in the exact right way.”

“Good answer.” Janet sighed, put her head on top of his.

“There’s a part of me that knows it wasn’t in my control,” he continued. “Within a few years of me serving in the SEALs, Mom could have moved them out of there. But Amanda had graduated high school, was working a job. She’d been in ROTC, was thinking about enlisting, and they both…Mom had friends in the neighborhood, and so did Amanda. They ran a community watch, were trying to make things better. And they both had this attitude of ‘this is our home, and no one’s going to make us leave it’. The fucking irony is that’s why they were targeted. The bastards wanted to make an example out of the ones who stood up to the monsters, who refused to be broken by them.”

“The what-ifs can put you on a lifetime-numbing dose of Xanax, trust me. There’s what-is, and that’s that. You live your life based on the what-ifs, and you’ll never live.” She touched his cheek, trying to change the direction of his thoughts. “Tell me something wonderful you remember about being a SEAL.”

He shifted, propping his chin against her shoulder. “Underwater dives in tropical waters. It’s a different kind of garden, but still a garden. There are so many things that glitter at night. Particles, the trails that fish leave. You don’t expect it. In some ways, you want to stay down there forever.”

He remained silent in her arms for a while. “Dale was with me when I got home, had to identify my mom’s body and figure out what to do for Amanda. Mom was always so strong, and seeing her broken like that… I wanted to die. I couldn’t imagine anything worse. Dale got me through, he and a couple of the other guys. Matt was connected to them, and they introduced us. He helped me find this place for Amanda. The guy who founded it, he was a doctor who had a son in Vietnam. The kid came back with PTSD, killed himself. When Matt told him about my situation, he worked out a payment plan I could afford, probably a tenth of what it costs to be here. He died a year after that happened, but even left it in his will, that Amanda could always be here, no matter my income level.”

He shook his head. “It’s things like that which don’t make much sense. How some people can be so good, and others can be so bad. My SEAL buddies checked in on my mom when they were home and I wasn’t. One of them talked to me about moving them into the adjacent unit of his duplex when the renter’s lease was up. It wasn’t too far from where Mom and Amanda were living, but it was a better area, and would have been safer. And Eric’s wife and kids lived in that other side. Mom was killed two months before the renter moved out. Eric felt so bad about it, but I told him Mom wouldn’t put up with him feeling like that.”

She felt his lips curve against her, a painful grimace. “She always said she had her hammer and her pepper spray, bars on the windows, and I’d taught her to use a gun. But she wasn’t able to get to it, they cut her off. Everything was the wrong timing, too fucking late.”

Some things worked out perfectly, other things went so wrong it was hard to imagine how they could have been any worse. And like he’d said, it was good and bad. A person just had to learn how to appreciate the one and survive the other.

“How about I buy you some lunch, sailor?” she murmured. “That sandwich place off the highway looked pretty good.”

He chuckled against her, lifted his head. As he did, she put her hands on his face, her thumbs passing over the dried tear tracks, her heart twisting anew at the sight of them.

“That’s what my mom always said, if I came home upset about anything. There was nothing that a good meal couldn’t cure.”

“For a teenage boy, I expect that’s true. And even more so for a big, strapping man with a healthy appetite. Just keep in mind I have a secretary’s salary.”

Max squeezed her, then lifted her to her feet. “Can’t fool me, ma’am. You’re Matt Kensington’s secretary, and he pays his people what they’re worth.”

“So the truth comes out. You’re after my money.”

“Nope. Just the sex.” He looped an arm around her waist, gave her a smile with a few less shadows behind his eyes, making her own heart lighter.

“I’d like to come back here with you. Whenever you and Amanda would like my company. Maybe I can teach her some ballet. Does she like to dance?”

“She always wanted to take ballet and jazz. We never had the money. I bet she’d love it.” They’d reached the truck and Max opened the door for her, put his hands to her waist to lift her into the passenger seat rather than her having to use the step. Once there, he held on to her, putting the two of them eye to eye.

“I love you, Mistress.”

He hadn’t said anything else, just closed the door and crossed around to the other side. It had been an emotional afternoon, but Max didn’t strike her as the type that led with emotion for a declaration like that. He felt things strongly, that was clear, but he thought things through before he spoke. He hadn’t seemed to need her to say the words back, hadn’t followed up with her on it, but the words surrounded her heart, held them, made her feel…wonderful. Still, happy, flustered…anxious.

One of Gayle’s kids had come down with the flu and so they had to reschedule their visit with her for the next weekend. But Friday was still on the books. She had forty-eight hours to clear her mind and think about it, about him coming to Club Progeny as her guest.

Thursday she didn’t get to see him because he took Matt and Jon to Baton Rouge, but in the late afternoon she received an intriguing text, probably while he was out in the parking lot waiting on them.

Any special instructions for tomorrow?

Yes. Shave off all body hair and paint your nails hot pink. I’ve shipped an I Heart Justin Bieber T-shirt to your home. Wear that with jeans. No underwear of course.

Sorry. Urgent mission. All SEALs being recalled to active duty, Friday night only. Crisis in Tahiti involving a shortage of sunscreen on swimsuit models.

I’d rethink that mission, sailor. Doubt you’ll get out of that one alive. A not-so-friendly fire incident.

Love it when you’re possessive, Mistress.

That had made her smile. It wasn’t a bad feeling, thinking of Max as hers exclusively, especially when he seemed to reciprocate.

No special instructions. Just bring yourself. If you can find time to brush your teeth and put on deodorant, that would be appreciated.

Check. No sweaty man smell or spinach between my teeth.

No disagreement on the spinach, but she found she actually liked Max’s sweaty man smell. She’d prefer to cause that state, however, and planned on it for Friday.

Putting her cell phone away as the elevator opened, she was surprised to see Dana. Using her cane, the minister navigated her way efficiently to Janet’s desk.

“Janet, you wear the prettiest scents. Still making your own?”

“Always. I have a new honeysuckle and lemon verbena combination that’s lovely. I’ll send some home for you with Peter. Was he expecting you?”

“Not at all. With Max off in Baton Rouge, and everything wrapped up at the church early today, I had Wade bring me back here. Since I have some class tapes to review, I figured I could park in the back lounge area where I’ll be out of everyone’s way until the end of Peter’s work day. If that’s okay.”

“It’s a pleasure to have you here, as always. Can I get you a soda or snack?”

“No, I can check the break room. I’m not here to interrupt your work.”

Belying that, however, Dana lingered, parking a hip on the desk and fishing through Janet’s candy dish. She always knew which of the wrapped selections were chocolate. Of course, Peter’s wife had enhanced senses on many levels, as she proved now.

“So I hear you’re putting moves on my other man.”

Janet lifted a brow. “Surely you don’t mind sharing? Peter and Max are more blessings than any one woman deserves.”

“I’ve been so good, I deserve all the blessings that come my way.” Dipping her head so Janet could see her eyes over the edge of the sunglasses, Dana gave her a wicked wink. “Can I get raunchy? Are we all by ourselves?”

Janet chuckled. “Yes. Nearest occupied office is Lucas’, and he can’t hear us from here, unless we’re shouting. Plus he and his accounting team are working on quarterly taxes, which means he has his doors closed so I can’t hear him lavishing creative and vivid curses on the government.”

“Bless the incompetence and greed of our government then. Seriously, Max is a good man. I was delighted to hear the boy is getting some. I was beginning to worry he’d retired that dick altogether, and that would be a sin, with a body like that.”

“And being a minister-in-training, you are an authority on sin.”