Willoughby 03 - A Rogue's Deadly Redemption (16 page)

Then her hand wound around his neck, touched the edges of his hair and Robert felt nearly undone. He groaned. Her simple touches lit his skin on fire, which coursed through him with rampant demand.

He couldn’t think anymore. Tightening his grip around her waist, he lifted her, ignoring the objections in his muscles. Carried her to the couch under the window. Their lips never let go, pulling promise after promise.

“I need to touch you. Please, Lily, I need you,” he managed as he set her feet to the ground. He sunk her onto the couch. Her hands grabbed his shoulders, and he stilled. “Lily?”

Her eyes were wide, her gaze filled with need, with hope. “You want me.”

“God yes.” He groaned, kissed the soft curve of her neck. The same one that he’d stared at in the sketches, imagined the slope of it, imagined his tongue caressing it.

She held herself so still, so completely still, fear spiked inside that she was going to run again. He wasn’t sure he could take it if she did. He took her mouth again, running his tongue over her lips until they opened. Her tongue tentatively matched his. He dropped to his knees, urging her to lay back on the couch. His hands never leaving her softness, his lips made their way down her neck, to the curve of her shoulder. He brought his hand up and cupped her breast, feeling the weight in his hand. A little groan erupted from her, and he pressed more. Skimmed down her stomach, making a fist to grab the fabric that separated them.

“I want to touch you. Feel your skin. I want to love you,” he urged.

She opened her arms, welcoming him to her. He slid above her, settling himself over her body. He was hard as a rock, and as their bodies matched, he felt the heat from her core against him.

Robert pushed the sleeve of her dress off her shoulder, kissed the bare, exposed skin. He tried to push farther, only to hear a small giggle.

Frowning, he met her gaze.

“It will never come off that way,” she told him, at once sweet and enticing. But the heat in her eyes was all he needed to see.

He jumped up, pulled her with him. Surprise widened her eyes. “What are you doing?”

He whirled her around so he could loosen her ribbons. Peppering moves with kisses, he worked through the layers of clothing, taking pauses to reach around and cup her breasts, run his hand over her stomach and run light fingers over the core that he so needed to feel surrounding him.

Finally, her clothing lay billowed at her feet. He’d undressed and stood as naked as the day he was born, and he stepped forward, pressed his full length against her back.

She sucked in a breath. “Oh, Robert.” She leaned back, letting her head fall to the side on his shoulder. He wrapped an arm around her waist, held tight.

Robert pressed kisses down her neck, her shoulder, feeling her twitch and squirm and hold her breath every time he hit a sensitive spot.

And finally, he couldn’t take it anymore. He nudged her to the couch and laid her down.

Her sheer beauty made him pause, as he saw her glory from head to toe. She shifted. “Robert, I—”

“You are beautiful,” he told her. “Do not deny me the sight of you.”

But he needed to touch. He started at her feet, his hands and lips touching every inch. His hands moved upward, caressing her until every press of his fingers tensed her body. His fingers found her warmth, and Robert heard her gasp as he laid himself over her.

Their kiss was filled with need, the rhythm matching the circles he made inside of her. Her body arched, her breath hurried.

“What…Oh my God.” Lily’s hands dug into his shoulders. Her breath quickened, and with it the pace of his fingers until he felt her stiffen and release. A soft groan escaped her lips, and he wasted no time.

He positioned himself above her, opened her to welcome him and slid in. The heat that surrounded him was glorious, and he let out a groan of complete surrender. He moved, slowly at first to give her time to adjust.

But then she pulled him to her, her kiss urgent. “You feel…”

He gave her a hard kiss. “So do you.”

She rose again, and surrendered.

His pace quickened, in and out, feeling her surround him, feeling the heat rise in his body. It rose, and rose and then splintered him into pieces. The release grabbed hold of every limb, sending shockwaves of pleasure through him.

As his mind and body returned to functioning, he dropped down to his elbows and gathered her close. Pressed a kiss to her neck. “I love you.”

Lily ached. In the warmth—oh God, the warmth—of Robert’s arms, she wanted to let the waves of pleasure continue to melt through her. And yet, every place he touched, every breath that landed with a gentle whisper on her neck, hurt.

She wanted this. She wanted his love. She wanted his body inside of hers. Oh, how glorious that had felt.

Different.

It took her back to the early days of their marriage, before the miscarriage, before things had gone so wrong. When he’d made the passion slam into her body with a look, making her crazy for more.

Hearing he loved her… She had wanted that for so long. She had dreamed.

She wanted to cling to his words, to wrap them around her and convince herself they were real, that this was real. That anything they shared right now could ever be permanent.

But there was so much he didn’t know.

His arms tightened and he pressed a gentle kiss on her neck. Languid shivers rolled down her shoulders.

“Did you hear me?” he murmured.

She nodded, not trusting her voice. If she spoke, she would tell him what she’d longed for, dreamed about… and everything she had fought so hard to let go of.

In one day, she had abandoned all hope of letting go.

“Lily?”

Robert’s voice was tentative, unsure. That sent a pang deep in her heart.
This
Robert loved her. This Robert was uncertain about her.

This Robert couldn’t last.

She shifted slightly, nudging his arm so she could slide out. He tightened his grip again.

“Where do you think you’re going?”

“To put my clothes on.” Her voice was sharper than intended but his grip slackened enough for her to slide off the couch and stand up.

She was stark naked.

Lily grew conscious of every single flaw in her body.

“What happened?” Confusion laced his words, with an underscore of hurt. “Did I do something wrong? Lily, what is it?”

She held her dress up to her bare chest, realizing she couldn’t get dressed without his help. Tears pushed at her eyes, and the words she wanted to say sat in her throat like a lump of unrealized potential.

The need to run and the need for him took opposite positions on the battlefield inside of her, armed and willing to fight, wrapping her tighter and tighter until she struggled to draw a breath.

She had spent years walling herself away from this desire. She had read every gossip innuendo about Robert’s activities over and over again to smack her feelings down, to force herself to admit that her husband was never going to be the man she wanted him to be.

The scandal sheets had said he’d frolicked with other women. She’d so loved that word choice.

He was a criminal.

He’d left her alone to deal with the loss of their child.

You pushed him away.

He didn’t want me.

This
man does.

This
man isn’t real.

How do you know?

She heard the rustle behind her and seconds after that felt the heat of him behind her. Not touching, though, which made her ache more. She wanted—she wanted so much.

She wanted everything.

Right now, she wanted to
feel
. The joy spurting through her at his touch, his love, was like a drug—she craved it. She didn’t want to give it up.

Just one more day of that feeling. That was all right, wasn’t it? Just this minute. Tonight. One more day.

Tomorrow, she’d think. Today, she would feel.

Lily swirled around, dropped the dress at her feet and wrapped her arms around Robert. She stood on her toes, lifted her face and pressed her lips to his.

They became a tangle of arms, legs, kisses and sighs as they made their way back to the couch. Lily poured her heart and soul into every touch, let her body squeeze every single moment until they were once again one.

Her hands flattened against his back, feeling the sharp ridges of muscle and bone, loving the weight of him on top of her. Loving him.

She opened her eyes, discovered his right above her, filled with an emotion she had never seen in his face before. It softened the harsh contours, it made him someone else.

This Robert was
her
Robert.

“I love you,” she whispered.

Robert cocked his head. “Say that again.”

A smile tugged at her lips. “I love you.”

“Louder.”

She laughed. “I love you.”

She didn’t care if it made little sense. She didn’t care if their love was a cannon waiting to be lit.

He murmured an echo of her words, once, twice and a third time as they snuggled into each other. Curve matched curve, and Lily had never felt so complete.

Robert’s fingers caressed a soft line over her arm in a lazy pattern. “Would you tell me what our life was like? Our marriage?”

Lily flinched. She didn’t want to think about the past.

He nudged her with his nose. “I made the assumption it wasn’t happy, given you moved out. So it makes it sweeter that you tell me that part of our lives while in my arms, don’t you think?”

A kernel of fear popped inside. What if he remembered? What if talking about their marriage—such as it was—brought back his memories?

What would happen then? Who would he be?

“How did we meet?” he pushed lightly.

“You were at my house, paying a call,” she admitted.

“To you?”

“No.” She rushed to add, “We were introduced. You were visiting, and I was sitting in the corner reading.”

“I was so overcome by your beauty, I begged you to talk to me,” he teased. His fingers twined with hers and he held their joined hands up. Lily looked at them, the contrast of his ruddier skin to her light skin, his larger hand to her smaller one.

“You couldn’t take your eyes off me,” she found herself teasing in return. It wasn’t untrue.

Robert had been in the parlor that morning, one of several men calling upon Cordelia. Adam had coerced Lily to go into the room with him and introduced her before Lily escaped to her corner to write in her journal.

But she hadn’t been able to stop looking at Robert.

“We caught glances a few times,” she remembered. Her heart had raced. Her breath had caught, and she remembered the tingly way her body had felt.

“You winked at me.” When he had, she’d felt herself jump right off that cliff into the shocking waters of infatuation.

“I did?” he asked, sounding pleased. “At least I was smart enough to know to catch your eye.” He pressed a kiss against the crest of her shoulder, sending warmth through her. “Was it always this way between us?”

She stilled, even though the lazy circles of his fingers were driving her to madness. “What way?”

“This good. So comfortable.”

Lily couldn’t form an answer. In part because her brain wanted nothing more than to disappear and let her body revel, but also because anything she said would chance ruining the moment. How could she answer truthfully?

How could she not?

“Why did I let you leave?” he asked in a soft tease meant to keep the mood light.

But all it did was remind Lily of what was, what had been and what would be again, when Robert regained his memory.

No. She didn’t want to think that way. He wouldn’t forget these moments. When his memory flooded, this pull, this need to be with each other wouldn’t fade. It couldn’t.

It would devastate her if it did.

But doubt had a way of seeping in, burrowing deep. Lily could feel the walls begin to form around her, like a shroud.

“Lily,” Robert urged, turning her around. “Don’t do that. Don’t hide from me. I didn’t mean to remind you of things I can’t recall, memories you have I can’t share, that I can’t fix.” His hand came to rest on her cheek. “I can promise—”

“You can’t promise anything,” she interrupted. This time, she got back up, found her clothes. She couldn’t have this conversation naked. “Robert, you cannot make promises you can’t keep. Once your memory comes back—and it will, it has to—we’ll—”

“What?” He grabbed his pants from the floor, stabbed a leg in. “What will happen? What are you expecting?” He stood, pants secured and came over to stand next to her as she pulled her undergarments on, played maid to help her with her gown. Once the last button was latched, he turned her around slowly. “What if I never remember, Lily? Have you considered that?”

Lily bent her head.
Yes.
She had. She was ashamed to admit a part of her yearned for that outcome. It was foolish and crazy.

Robert had to remember. He had to, or those men wouldn’t stop.

But maybe, if he didn’t remember…they could leave. They could go to America together. Start over together.

“I want you to tell me about our marriage. Tell me why you left.”

She paused, and he pressed. “Please.”

She struggled to find the words.

“Were we ever happy?”

She looked up, met his gaze and in an instant saw a resignation that echoed hers. He frowned, confusion drawing his brows together. “Did you ever love me?”

“Yes.” Her answer was swift, and sure.

“And I loved you,” he replied. “So it couldn’t have been all bad.”

“You didn’t—It’s complicated.”

“I didn’t what? Stop prevaricating, damn it. Something must have changed. Start there.”

Her hands fluttered down to her stomach and pressed in, as if she could stop the past from happening.

Robert missed nothing. He placed a hand over hers. “Lily?”

Tears she had thought long dried flooded her eyes, spilled like a waterfall of agony.

“Were you pregnant?” he asked.

She nodded. His arms came around her, drawing her in. “I’m so sorry. I am so sorry, my love.”

His gentleness undid her. The deep ache from inside tore out in a sob. She clung to him, like a child starved for affection. Her nerves spiked until her entire body vibrated with the grief. The years faded away, her sorrow rose to the surface, but different this time. She wasn’t alone.

“You…you blamed me.” She needed him to know, needed him to tell her he’d been wrong, that he’d forgiven her.

She hadn’t realized how much she wanted his forgiveness.

His body tensed. “No, I couldn’t have. I wouldn’t.” His hand came to cup her chin. “I would never blame you, Lily.”

“You asked me what happened. That’s when it changed. That’s when you turned away from me. What else could it have been?”

His jaw clenched, but his anger wasn’t directed at her. “God, I hate that I can’t remember my bloody life. But it had to be something else. It had to be—” He pulled away from her. “Lily, the love I feel for you, it’s too strong, too deep-set. It’s a part of me. I married you. I wanted you. Why would I have let that go?”

Her heart shook in her chest at his questions. Why would he ask that?

“What? We
were
married.”

“Of course.”

She ducked her head again. “But it was…coerced.”

“What do you mean?”

“We were found together.”

“And…”

“Alone.”

“Ah.”

Thoughts of that night, of the joy she’d felt when he had answered her letter.

Or had he? The question that Cordelia had flung at her burned. Lily hadn’t asked Robert why he’d come that night. She had assumed it had been because she’d asked. They’d had so little time before Cordelia had discovered them.

Here he stood, wanting to talk and unable to provide the answer. She didn’t know why it was so important. Perhaps because then at least the marriage, however dismal it had been, had been built from their combined mistake.
Theirs
.

Not hers.

If he’d come at Cordelia’s request that night, then everything she had been through was
her
failure. Her utter, complete failure to be enough for the man she’d wanted to be everything for.

“If I was willing to be caught with you, I must have known what I was doing.”

Fear clamped her throat. Every part of her tensed to flee. She had to stop this. He would
remember
. Guilt weighed her down, but she couldn’t open her mouth, admit the rest. Even say Cordelia’s name. Somehow, she worried that even a mention would change course, shift his attention.

“What happened to make you leave?”

She slipped out of his reach, walked to the window. The street outside seemed another world, separate from their cocoon inside. She felt like the moth that had hidden for months, but now, Robert was by her side instead of out there.

This time, he stood right behind her.

“You stopped seeing me.” The words were painful to say, to admit out loud. They seemed so small, such a minor thing, really. “The days you were here at all, you walked past me as if I wasn’t in the house. I often wondered if you realized I was there.” She turned back into the room and paced. “You have to understand. When I chose to move out of this house, it had no bearing on your day to day life, or mine really.”