Willow (22 page)

Chapter 32

Haven led me to his room, which was at the end of a long hallway. I hesitated before entering, feeling like I was intruding into his personal space. The walls were painted in slate and furniture was minimal. In front of a large window--the only window in his room--stood a desk with several sketches on it. At the opposite end of the room was a black platform bed, low to the ground, perhaps queen sized and covered in dark fabrics and few pillows. Above his bed on a black shelf was something that took my breath away.

It wasn’t a painting. It was a black and white sketch of a girl standing in a field of wildflowers. The girl was wearing a long dress that seemed to tousle in the wind and her long fair hair, flowing free, blew in the same direction. She had an expectant expression on her face and her lips were slightly open. I looked down as I realized I was gazing at a likeness that resembled my own mother. But how was that possible? I looked at the sketch again but couldn’t bring myself to look at Haven who was standing near.

“I know what you must be thinking,” he confirmed.

“What is that?” I finally managed to ask, still not able to look at him.

“She looks like your mother,” he proclaimed. “She looks like you.”

I turned slowly and lifted my eyes to meet the acute sapphire glints gazing down at me. He took a step towards me and tilted his head. I averted his inquisitive gaze and looked to the side. I was pulling away from him physically and emotionally and I didn’t know what to say to him. I didn’t know what to do...All I could do was listen as he spoke.

“It’s true...it’s her. She loved no one but your father. I don’t care for you because you’re her daughter. I care about you for many reasons. When you’re around I feel a vitality I haven’t felt in a long time. It’s the most
human
I’ve felt in decades.”

Suddenly, where once the attention from more than one had placed a burden on me, it made sense. It wasn’t me he loved. It was the feeling he loved when he was with me.

“You,” I began in an oscillating tone. “You must not get out much.”

I couldn’t tell if he was amused or angry. A taut muscle rippled along his cheek and he appeared to be smirking.

“And,” he added darkly. “I’ve never met anyone more frustrating.”

Feeling that the time was right, I also felt emboldened. “I want to be fair to you...I’m -” And all too soon I realized just how powerful admitting the truth could be. “I’m in love with someone else.”

Haven’s face didn’t register a reaction but he looked from me to the sketch above his bed. “You’re more like your mother than you will ever realize.”

I said nothing but heard him chuckle. “You’re also a challenge – a willful, beautiful challenge.”

“It’s not a challenge if I’m decided. I can’t be with him, but if my heart is his, I can’t be yours either.”

Haven’s eyes flickered in shade and intensity as he listened to me.  “I could easily, and with great pleasure, eliminate the competition,” he declared with baneful relish. “Then you would be mine.” He shook his head in rueful amusement. “But I wouldn’t do that to you…or myself, because then you would resent me forever.”

He turned his back to me and hesitated before speaking. “Your honesty separates you from most. People are much too afraid to reveal what it is they really feel.” He laughed nefariously. “You know…ones like us are notorious for taking what we want. We are dominant and possessive. What’s to stop me from taking you?”

“Free will,” I answered softly. “You know that much about me…that without free will, love cannot be offered at all, and what you yearn for is to have it offered unconditionally.”

When he turned to face me a grin appeased the pain written across his features. I looked from his captivating blue eyes to his gleaming, sharp white teeth. I felt it was right to say goodbye, but before I could, Haven grasped my wrist with an iron grip and momentarily held me there. With careful deliberation he raised my hand to his mouth. His eyes were on fire and never left my own as his lips brushed against my hand in a kiss. The way he did it almost took my breath away. I could see why it was so important to avoid a situation where temptation could be so intoxicating.

“You’re branded to me now,” he said with a cunning grin.

“Do that again and I’ll bite you,” I retorted.

“I would welcome it,” he said with conviction. His grin morphed into one of expectation and I gently pulled away from him.

Breaking through my thoughts, Haven asked, “Do you believe that life has a way of drawing certain people together?”

“If you’re asking whether I believe in fate or coincidence, I must say that I believe in both.”

“What I meant was you’re being here, in this place, was no accident. You’re more girl than beast, and you feel lost because you have no link.”

I shifted and ruffled my hair with one hand. “I have a hard time believing this,” I said ruefully. “Perhaps I am lost. I once had a family but death claimed them both. I knew a normal life once, a happy one even. I know nothing about this heritage I supposedly come from. It’s completely foreign to me and everyone else seems to know more about it than I do.”

“You fear what you don’t know,” he said.

“I fear many things…”

“You can’t love what you fear,” he stated. “You don’t even know who you are because – “

“But I know what love is,” I interrupted. I turned away from him and walked over to his bookshelf and examined his belongings, noting how impersonal they seemed. I knew he was near me but I didn’t look back at him. “You’ll find another,” I said softly.

“I could search a lifetime and not come across another one like you,” he breathed.

“And you shouldn’t. Everyone is different.’”

I turned towards the door. Before I could take a step, Haven was before me. “You’re always leaving.”

He searched for my eyes but I looked away from him, ashamed for getting myself into this situation to begin with. “Haven’t you learned?” He asked. “Running solves nothing. Instead of running away from others, maybe you should run to them.”

“There is no one,” I claimed with regret. “I will not be a burden.”

“Burdens are obligations. You are neither and you will never be free until you face your demons head on.”

“I don’t have to face them when they’re with me,” I stated.

“You’re right, but you need to let others in and when you do, you will find that they want to take care of you, not because you’re weak or can’t do for yourself, but because they want to.”

I shook my head in defeat. I walked towards the door and reached out for the handle. From where Haven stood I heard him say. “Their prize is your trust…”  

“Trust,” I repeated in a soft whisper. “It’s harder to feel than love.”

Chapter 33

Haven parked in front of Anne’s house. I was getting ready to exit the car when he touched me on the arm.

“I know it’s different between us. I felt it every moment I was with you this evening but you need to know that I don’t think it was a coincidence that we crossed paths. I don’t know what the future will bring, but I know you’re here for a reason and while I wish you were with me, I know you love someone else. I can’t say that it doesn’t cut me to the core, but I will give you space.” His hand dropped from where he touched me.

“I have to be truthful, as hard as it is to be so,” I explained. “I can’t be with him but there comes a time in life when you have to do the grown up thing instead of the romantic thing. It’s when you listen to your head and force the heart to wait…I’m going to wait, I’m going to do the right thing and I’m not going to hurt anyone else.”

Haven leaned towards me. “Be careful not to hurt yourself in the process.” He paused for a moment before exiting the car and came around to open my door. I stood on the sidewalk in front of him and took in the sight of him: The golden brown hair, the piercing blue eyes, and the dark shirt that hugged his smooth, chiseled body. He was handsome, but more than that, he was capable of deep emotion. In that moment, despite what I knew, I was certain I was making the right choice. Mutually we reached out and embraced one another. Haven’s steel arms went around me, holding me to him. My arms, frail in comparison, reached around his waist. I breathed him in, remembering how it was the first time I saw him. Even though my heart was set on Reece, I didn’t want this to be a goodbye, but I also knew it had to be.

Relaxing my hold, I pulled away and kept my eyes downcast as I ascended the porch steps. I turned to wave and Haven was still standing there with his hands in the pockets of his leather jacket. I felt a lump in my throat and was surprised to find that I was hurting. In my fear of hurting someone else I never thought that I would be the one to feel it. I raised my hand to wave goodbye and turned to unlock the door. I went to the window and looked outside but he was already gone.

The next three months trudged by in predictable monotony. I had seen little of Reece except for occasional smiles and obligatory waves walking through the halls at school. Little had changed at lunch. Amber and Reece, heads bent together, were always discussing something and every now and then I would catch an intermittent glance from Reece. Amber, to her credit, tried to include me and asked my opinions on issues they conferred over. She never came to lunch without offering something to everyone – so considerate, so Amber. Sometimes Reece would buy soda for everyone and would hand the last one to me where he would linger over the offering as he brushed my finger with one of his. In an attempt to not draw attention to myself I would quickly, and politely, tell him thank you. He never had much to say, which was so unlike him, but would nod or smile and return to Amber who looked at him with adoring eyes. I found that I missed Reece the more he was absent from my life, and the more I missed him, the more I loved him.

Anne and Jericho were still an item, a serious one at that. Some evenings she wouldn’t come home and there were times I perceived, even though they tried to keep it covert, Jericho sneaking out of the house before I came down for breakfast. Thankfully that’s all I heard.

Anne began paying me to work in her bakery part-time and every moment was an uplifting one because of the time spent with Ben. In the spare time we had he taught me how to pipe and decorate. He would usually pat me on the back and on a few occasions would leave me a custom made treat with a sticky note telling me to smile more. I began leaving him notes as well, usually telling him through handwriting what I couldn’t say in person. He never made me feel awkward or insecure. He just accepted me as a real friend would. We also talked and I listened with eager interest to his childhood stories and the love he shared with his beloved Jamaican wife, and the sadness he had because she was no longer with him. He said he kept things just as they were when she had been living and that someday, when and if he was ready, he would date again. In this way he reminded me of my own father.

I had not seen Tristan and I was thankful for that as he was a reminder of things I didn’t want to think about, discuss, or be a part of. All I wanted was to be able to keep and nurture my friendship with Amber and to also be with Reece, but how could I do that when Amber and I wanted the same thing?

It would have to stay as it was…

Chapter 34

On a warm day in May, Anne opened some windows to let the fresh air blow through, bringing with it the invigorating scent of Anne’s lavender Petunia’s. She was particularly cheerful and took me along to pick up some things in town. Before heading to the supermarket she stopped at a home improvement store and asked my opinion on some paint colors. I shrugged my shoulders and told her she had better taste than I did. She insisted I choose so I picked out an earthy shade of taupe. Next, we walked across the street to a department store where she steered me towards the bedding department. I immediately protested, not wanting her to spend any more money on me. Anne shook her head boldly.

“Willow, it’s been months since you moved in with me and you have yet to make this your home. You treat your room like it’s one of my guest rooms. I’ve seen that stunning painting of Ben’s but even that is resting against the wall. This is your home now, for as long as you desire. I want you to treat it as such.”

Surprised, I removed my hand from a comforter and looked at Anne. I hadn’t been aware of it, but she was right. I was living more like a guest than a member of her family. I looked down briefly, trying to find the right words.

“Since dad’s death I see things as temporary. I knew that when I turned eighteen you had no legal obligation to me and I didn’t want to change your room too much since I thought I wouldn’t stay for over a year.”

Anne’s chocolate brown eyes softened and her lips turned up in a half smile. “I care for you because you’re family, not because I have to. You’ve had so much loss in your life, too much, and I want you to feel like the home you live in is
our
home. You will always have a place here. Because of that, I want you to pick out things for your room that make you happy.”

Anne picked up a small throw pillow and tossed it to me. “Pink,” she teased with a wink. “But, it’s not you.”

Laughing, I told her I didn’t need anything since what I had in my room sufficed, but I did say I would enjoy painting later.

Later
came that very afternoon. I pulled my hair into a high ponytail and donned an old white t-shirt over a pair of faded jeans. Anne had helped me move the smaller things from my room into hers and I began taping the edges of my window when Anne came in.

“You’re having company today while I head over to Jericho’s for dinner.”

“Oh?” I asked.

“I invited Reece over to help you. It will go that much faster with a friend.”

I froze and stared at the wall. “You didn’t…”

“Of course I did,” she laughed. “Don’t think I haven’t noticed the tension between you two. Besides, Reece is a good friend to have. I want you to patch things up and he was more than willing to come over. In fact, he seemed relieved by the invite.”

“Did he now?” I murmured. I couldn’t help but feel some excitement over seeing him alone again. It had been so long but I feared being with him knowing how I felt and maybe, how he felt as well. Doing the right thing was not easy and I willed myself to win the battle…for a friend that was worth it.

“Is there anything to eat?” I asked. “I’m sure we’ll work up an appetite.”

“I left you some money on the table. You can call for pizza when you’re ready.”

“Thank you. What time will he be here?”