Wilson Mooney Eighteen at Last (29 page)

I set the empty glass of my
finger-licking drink on the dresser before I flopped down on the
bed and stretched across to grab my phone off the nightstand. I
needed to do something to take my mind off Nick and what had just
happened between us. I didn’t expect him to be so forward. But at
the same time, I didn’t think my body would react the way it did.
Part of me, deep down, liked how he made me feel—the way his mouth
closed and sucked the flavor from my skin, how his eyes caught mine
and pulled me in, and how sexy it was to feel his mouth tighten on
my finger as he pulled it out across his lips.

Stop thinking about it!
You just miss Max. Check your phone, maybe he called.
I had to talk myself back from the ledge I was
standing on, ready to leap into a fantasy I know I shouldn’t have.
Besides, I really was hoping the time and space I had given my
phone would result in a text or call from Max. Maybe he was able to
find a moment, in all his grief, to say he still loves me and that
he’ll fight to get me back.

I looked at the screen and my heart
somersaulted in my chest: I had missed a call. My arms flushed cold
and my hands flooded with damp as I pushed the button to unlock the
phone. I struggled to hold back the bubbles from speeding up into
my throat and making me gasp for a breath. I knew he loved me and
wanted me more than anything.

I looked at the screen, my
eyes slightly blurred from the tears that flooded over my lids,
pushed okay, and noticed it was a 702 number. My heart crumbled as
I dropped the phone on the nightstand. I didn’t know anyone with a
702 area code and I sure as hell wasn’t going to call it back to
find out what they wanted.
Damn it!
I wanted to curl up and dissolve into a dark
cave, away from everything.

Where’s Joanie?

I snatched my phone back and texted
Joanie. I wanted to know where she was; wanted to know how much
longer I had to hold myself together until she was here to sweep me
up when I shattered.

J-RU ON UR WAY? I typed the text and
pressed send before I dropped the phone next to me. I knew it was
safe to text Joanie. I’d be able to communicate with her this way
and not crumble into a billion pieces of loss. Just as long as I
didn’t hear the tone of her voice or her commiserative inflection
when she was trying to make me feel better.

I ran my hands through the back of my
hair and pulled out the rubber band that held it off my face. I
dragged my fingers through my scalp and caught every tight tangle
and loose knot, pulling the hair around the edges of my face. God,
it felt so grimy, like my tears had plastered every strand together
with my pain. My face was tight with reminiscences of my anguish
and my body felt sticky with remorse.

Why couldn’t it have been
Max who called me? I wanted him to tell me that we were going to be
okay, that we would make it through, and that his mom would find a
way to trust me.

My thoughts sailed off into a fantasy
of Max fighting for me. I saw Nancy standing in front of him with
her arms folded tight across her chest, her green eyes glazed with
tears, her chest rising with each shallow breath. I visualized him
bending down close to her and whispering through broken words that
he needed me, that I was the one he’s been waiting for. He was
tired of hurting, tired of living for everyone else’s dream. He
told her that he was going to ask me to marry him in June. I saw
his muscles tighten as he stretched and shoved his hand into his
pocket.

I played the “what if” scenarios in my
fantasy. What if she disowns him or turns him into Dean McCallous
at Wesley? What if she questions my integrity? My morals? Can he
look her in the face and tell her I am worthy of him? That I
deserve to be with him?

I felt my phone vibrate by my hip;
again my heart somersaulted. It was Joanie, she’d texted me
back.

I’M N PALM SPRINGS, NO DIRECT FLIGHTS
2 ASPEN! ABOUT 2 BOARD PLANE. I’LL B THERE SOON! HOW R U
DOIN?

Joanie was going to be here sooner
than I thought. I felt a building need for her to be with me. I
wanted her to save me, make me feel okay, and tell me I’d done the
right thing.

NOT GR8, BUT BETR KNOWIN U R ON UR
WAY, I texted to her.

GOTTA GO, BOARDING NOW…C U SOON! LUV
YA, Joanie texted back.

K LUV U 2, I answered.

I decided to pull myself up by my boot
straps and take a shower before Joanie showed up. Maybe it would
make me feel better. Truthfully, I needed to get rid of the day, to
rinse off the ick that clung and seeped into every cell of my
body.

I collected some clothes from my
suitcase—my pink, scoop neck cotton t-shirt and a pair of old, dark
blue jeans ripped across the thighs. I balled them up under my arm
and snatched my makeup bag.

I can do this, stay
strong, suck it up.
I chanted different
words that built the strength in my mind to go back into
our
bathroom across from
the guest bedroom.

I had to shut myself down. I couldn’t
think about Max or even Nick. I had to go to the space I know
exists within my soul that doesn’t let me feel love or joy, the
space that doesn’t burn with sadness or regret. It was the space I
found when my mother drove away, the same space I revisited when my
grandparents died, and now the same void I felt beginning to occupy
me until Joanie got here.

I pushed open the bathroom
door and walked through it, avoiding the mirror, sinks, and huge
leather sofa. I pushed open the inner door that led to the shower
when I realized I was holding my breath. The last time I was in
this shower, Max was with me—over a month ago, his lips against my
skin, his body cocooned in the water with mine…
Stop it! Find the vault and go there. Don’t let
go…

I dropped my eyes and focused on the
granite floor. Without warning, images of me lying on the huge
leather couch, crying, ambushed my thoughts. I wasn’t supposed to
be here; I was stronger than this.

I pulled on the oak cabinet and
snatched a couple of towels, tossing them on the velvety-taupe
chair next to the wraparound entry of the enormous shower. I tugged
off my clothes and tossed them in a pile on the floor. I was
slipping off my panties and bra when I felt the necklace Max gave
me separate and dangle away from my skin. I unclasped it and slid
it into the pocket of my makeup bag along with the watch he gave me
for my birthday. Immediately, I felt the slight chill in the air
caress my skin, as if giving me permission to finally let the
bondage of my day melt away.

I adjusted the faucet temperature as
hot as I could stand it, and pushed into the jetted streams. The
showerheads up and down the brown and tan braided stone walls still
sprayed across my body exactly where I remembered them, pulsating
everywhere they felt best—across my thighs, stomach, lower back,
shoulders, and down my head. The huge, glass brick walls of the
shower still rolled and curved, making me feel like I was eons away
from any problems.

I let the water find the spaces in my
body that needed extra care. The tension in my shoulders began to
dissolve, and my thighs rippled with every stream that found a
place to belong. The water cascaded down my hair across every bend
and curvature of my skin, like hands wiping away the worst of the
day, while paying extra attention to the places that needed help
awakening the butterflies in my gut.

Urgghh—what am I doing
with Nick? He puts his finger in my mouth, and I feel something for
him? What’s that all about? Is it okay to feel something for Nick
while being in love with someone else? I’ve crossed the line.
Things have become too blurry with Nick. What am I going to do now?
I don’t do fucking drama. This is the crap other girls do. I never
asked for this drama, never. Goddamn it! I want Max here with me.
Why did I leave him? What in the hell was I thinking?

My heart began to thump,
hard. It was loud in my ears as tears spilled emphatically from my
eyes and I felt my knees weaken.
Max and I
lied to his family together, and I wasn’t strong enough to be there
for him. His father died and I just walked away; left him. I left.
But why did he let me leave? He let me just walk away.

I lost my breath and
started to sob. The rain of the shower mixed with my tears and I
became lost.
Who have I become?
I pushed the back of my legs against the granite
bench and slid down to sit. I bent forward and pushed the top of my
head in the pulsating stream of water, hoping it would wash away
everything I couldn’t get out of my mind.

I don’t know why I thought I could
take a shower in this bathroom and not think about Max. Was I
really strong enough to keep every feeling regarding him at bay? I
guess not. So much for the vault. I somehow found the strength to
switch off the water and wrap myself in the towels I had waiting. I
gathered all my clothes and hurried across the hall. I just wanted
to get back to my room.

I peered out the bathroom door, making
sure the coast was clear, before I darted across to the guest
bedroom wrapped in a towel. I shoved the door open and tossed my
clothes on the bed. I adjusted my towel and was just beginning to
dry off when I heard someone clear his throat. I spun toward the
window in time to see his eyes bounce to the floor.

“
Oh my God, what are you
doing in here Nick?” I demanded as I tightened the towel around my
torso. “Shit, you scared me half to death.” My heart thrashed in my
chest. Chills rippled down the flesh of my arms and legs, and I
felt my knees wobble.

“
I’m sorry, I just came in
here to check on you and I heard your phone ringing,” Nick
explained.

“
Well, ahh, I’m fine…and
totally naked. But I guess you can see that. I just thought I’d
take a shower. I texted Joanie earlier and…well, ummm…she’s on her
way from Southern California. That’s where her parents live, you
know.” Words tumbled awkwardly out of my mouth as I readjusted the
towel around my body.

“
I know, I just talked to
her,” he said holding up my phone, his eyes fixed. He was working
hard not to drop his stare lower than my chin.

“
What are you doing with
my phone?” I reached out while trying to hold the towel up with my
other hand.

“
Well, when I came up to
check on you, I heard it ringing. I was going to ignore it, but it
wouldn’t stop ringing. When I walked over and checked it, I saw
that it was Joanie, so I answered it,” he said, almost in a
whisper.

“
Nick—”

“
I’m sorry, Wilson. I just
thought, if she was calling you that many times, maybe she had
something really important she needed to tell you. Thought maybe
she’d have some advice for me, so I could help you. I really didn’t
mean to upset you,” he said as he inched closer to me, holding out
my phone.

“
I’m not upset, just a
little shocked that you’re in here…and you just saw me totally
naked and all,” I answered him before I snatched my
phone.

“
I’m sorry, Wilson,” Nick
repeated a couple of times before he started walking
out.

“
Hold on. What did Joanie
have to say?” I asked.

Nick stopped, his hand on the knob and
his face toward the door, as he answered, “Nothin’ much, just that
she was delayed in Palm Springs and she wanted to check in on you,
so I filled her in on what happened.”

“
Nick, wait a minute, what
do you mean? What did you fill her in on? That I passed out?” I
rolled the top of my towel down, tightening it across my chest.
Nick stopped, still staring at the door. “Look at me!” I
demanded.

Nick turned around slowly. His eyes
narrowed as they cased the carpet before catching my feet and
scaling up my legs, across the curves of my towel to my bare
shoulders and neck, then finally seizing my eyes.

“
I told her you passed
out
and
I told
her about you and Max.”

“
What do you know about
us, I mean, Max and me?” I asked.

“
I called Calvin when you
were passed out earlier. He told me everything.”

“
What
everything
did he tell
you?”

“
Everything—Frank, Calvin,
Nancy, you and Max breaking up; I know everything, Wilson,” he said
before he turned to the door.

Calvin told him we broke
up. Broke up?
Max thinks we’re broken
up.
I was floored. Of all the things Nick
said, of all of the things that gyrated through my head, those
words damaged me the most.

“
What else do you know?” I
whispered, hoping his words wouldn’t destroy me any
further.

“
Well, I know if I was
Max, I’d fight for you. I’d do whatever it took to get you
back.
Nothing
would stop me,” he said with conviction before he turned and
walked out the door.

I felt my heart tumble down into my
stomach and my head spin. Suddenly it didn’t matter that Nick saw
me naked. What mattered was that Max wasn’t fighting for
me.