Wilson Mooney Eighteen at Last (34 page)

“
I know, I am just scared
that I’ve destroyed everything,” I wallowed.

Joanie caught my hair in
her hands and leaned back to look me in the eyes to say, “What
happened in the past…is the past. Don’t let that define you.
Let
right now
be
the most important moment of your life.”

I knew Joanie was right, she always
knew what to say. Finally, I surrendered to my ugly cry and Joanie
was there to catch me.

I took a deep, cleansing
breath and thought about her words. I could feel the foundation
build under my feet. She was right: now
was
the most important moment of my
life.

There was a light knock at the
door.

“
Wilson? Are you okay?”
Nick’s voice carried softly.

I looked at Joanie and felt everything
she said; but the foundation she’d just created crumbled when I
heard his voice.

“
No—I don’t think I am,” I
cried. Joanie ran her hand down my shoulder and pressed against my
upper arm, hugging me.

“
You wanna open the door
and let me in? I think you should take something for your head,”
Nick spoke softly.

“
I don’t think that would
be a good idea,” I said as I walked over and pushed my forehead
against the door. “I feel like I got run over by a cement truck;
and besides, I’ve already screwed up enough for one day,” I
murmured.

“
You didn’t screw up
anything. It was me—I should have kept my distance. I knew you were
vulnerable, I shouldn’t have done what I did,” Nick’s voice pressed
through the wooden door and I could feel his words caress my
skin.

I shook my head and replied, “No,
Nick, I shouldn’t have used you like that.” I spun around and slid
down to sit. My shirt clung to the door and drifted up, causing my
lower back to be exposed to the cold air that crept in from the gap
between the floor and the bottom of the door.

“
Well, maybe we both felt
something more than lonely. God, I wish you’d open the door,”
Nick’s voice carried in a low whisper.

“
Joanie’s here with me,” I
said, hoping he would give up.

“
Oh, yeah, good.” He
murmured before I heard him whisper against the door, “If you need
anything, just tell me.”

I didn’t move. I kept my back against
the door and pulled my knees into my chest. I felt a wave of guilt
pummel me, and my body rippled with the pressure of being pulled in
so many directions.

Joanie swooshed over and her arms flew
around me, her eyes wet with sympathy. “Don’t worry, sweetheart,
we’ll figure it out,” she said.

I heard the front door slam and
Cindy’s booming voice bounce off the open-beam ceiling.

“
Nick—where were you? My
father
wanted
both
of us to represent the Browler
family at Mr. Goldstein’s funeral. Now it’s over; everything is
done and Frank’s already buried six feet under.
What the hell
?” she
bellowed.

“
Whatever…why would you
go? You don’t even know the Goldstein family,” Nick
spat.

“
What do you mean?
I
don’t know the Goldsteins? Max Goldstein
just happens to be one of my
favorite
teachers
at Wesley this year. And I
happened to be the one who had to hold him today while he wept,”
Cindy huffed.

“
Well then, I guess one
Browler was enough.”

“
You’re such a douche,”
Cindy grumbled.

Nick said something back
to her but I didn’t hear it. The only thing that rang in my ears
was her comment about Max weeping.
Oh my
God, I need to get to him.
My muscles
quivered like someone shot poison through my veins, and suddenly I
couldn’t catch my breath. I pushed my hands against the massive
hole in my chest, struggling to hold back the heartbreak that
poured brutally from my soul. My skin burned, like fire scorching
across every inch of my body. Suddenly, everything I ever thought
didn’t matter. I let Max down when he needed me most.

I struggled to stand up. My legs
wobbled weakly, my stomach twisted, and my heart thundered in my
chest. I had to get to him; I had to be there for him.

“
Joanie—” I screamed as I
struggled to grab the doorknob. I couldn’t find my feet; couldn’t
find my sight through the river of tears flooding my
eyes.

Joanie grabbed me and held me in a
tight, protective embrace. The heat emanating from my body grew,
causing me to suffocate. I couldn’t seem to find my
voice.

“
Wilson—stop, just stop.
It’s too late, sweetheart, just stop.”

“
Joanie, I gotta see him.
I want to make sure he’s okay. I love him, he’s everything to
me—
everything
,” I
cried.

Joanie let go of me and her soft hands
pushed against my face, cradling it, as she spoke calmly and
deliberately, “I know how much you love him, sweetheart, but you
can’t go over there like this. You’ve gotta pull yourself together.
You can’t help Max in this state.”

I could feel the muscles in my face
constrict, and the itchiness of the tears that collected between my
cheeks and Joanie’s fingers. She was right—I was a train wreck. I
couldn’t go over to Max’s cabin all falling to pieces. I inhaled a
deep breath and swiped the tears from my eyes. Joanie had always
been the level-headed one between us.

When my grandma died, it was Joanie
who kept me from losing my mind. She made sure I ate, made sure I
went to classes. And when my grandfather died several months ago,
she was the one who held me as I cried, reassuring me that I was
going to be okay. She was the one who made sure I knew we were
family through anything.

I plopped down on the bed, knee first.
My toes dragged against the white, furry rug. As long as I had one
foot on the floor it somehow made me feel grounded, like I could
pull through all this craziness. Joanie sat next to me. I watched
her jaw tighten—she was going to have words of wisdom for me,
something that would motivate me to pull myself
together.

“
I think—maybe it’s
best—if you gave him some time before you go over there—or call
him,” Joanie struggled with her words. Her fingers tangled with my
stray strands of hair and wedged them behind my ears. Her eyes
narrowed, pinned with concern.

“
Really? You think…he
needs some time?” I asked. I tried to swallow the leftover
agony.

“
Well, actually,
maybe
you
need
some time to deal with your issues
here
before you go to see Max. Maybe
you need to clear up how you feel about Nick,” Joanie said. Her
eyes widened as she nodded her head. She ran her palms across my
arms and grabbed my balmy hands.

“
What?” I sputtered. I
couldn’t believe she thought I had
those
types of feelings for
Nick.

“
Wilson, come on, you need
to talk to Nick about what happened. You can’t just think it’s
over; that type of kiss doesn’t just go away. There’s a reason it
happened, and you can’t just say it was the booze.”

“
No, but I’d say the booze
contributed, plus the fact that Max and I are broken up. Come on,
Jay. Obviously I care about Nick, but he understands that I love
Max, and we both know what we did was a total mistake.” I stared
down at our hands.

“
Yeah, but Wil, you owe
him that conversation face to face, not just through the door. And
if he didn’t think he’d have a chance to be with you, he wouldn’t
have come back to console you. Come on, Sis, you’ve gotta clear
this up before it goes too far and someone gets really hurt,”
Joanie’s tone became heavy.

“
Well isn’t this how it
all started? I can’t seem to do anything without hurting somebody,”
I whined.

“
Knock it off, Wilson! Put
on your big girl panties, suck it up, and deal with the situation
here. Nick is a sweet guy—give him that. Respect him enough to
clear the sails,” Joanie snapped.

I crossed my arms, locking them across
my chest. I didn’t want to listen. I didn’t want to face the
fucked-up situation I’d created with Nick.

“
Fine! I’ll do it. But you
have to stay here with me. And the minute everything is cleared up,
I’m goin’ to see Max.”

“
Fine. God, you can
be—urrghh!” Joanie growled.

“
Difficult?” I
interjected.

“
No, such a pain in the
ass!”

“
Yeah, but you’re stuck
with me,” I said before I pulled the bedroom door open.

I didn’t expect Nick to be sitting on
the floor across the hall. He had his head resting low in his
hands, his palms rotating back and forth against his eyes, and his
fingers anchored just above his forehead, mingled with his hair.
His arms flexed with every motion. He looked up at me, his eyes
lost with what to say. He bolted up, standing far enough away to
ask if he could come closer.

“
Nick, can we talk?” I
offered. My hand twisted the knob and let it go, over and over
again, anything to keep rhythm to something other than the rapid
beat of my heart.

Nick didn’t know what to do with his
hands; he slid them up and down his jeans before pushing them into
his front pockets as he waited to be invited in.

“
Oh—hey there, Joanie,” he
sang as he ambled into the bedroom, tossing a wave toward
her.

“
Hi, Nick,” Joanie
answered.

Nick took a couple of fast breaths
before he planted his sights on me. He looked concerned and
forlorn.

“
Everything okay? I
mean—well, umm, as far as—umm, everything?” Nick asked, pressing
his hands together before pushing them into his hair.

“
Why didn’t you go to
Frank’s funeral?” I interrupted his question with my
own.

“
Umm, well, I was here
with you,” he breathed.

“
Yeah, but Calvin texted
you and wanted you to be there.”

“
Calvin knew I wasn’t
going to go, he was the one who suggested that I stay here with
you.”

“
Calvin told you to stay
with me? Why?” I asked.

“
He’s worried about you.
He feels like total shit for what he did,” Nick said
determinedly.

“
Well I totally feel like
shit too—I’m still a little freaked out that Cindy walked in on us
making out,” I told him as I looked at the floor.

“
Yeah, me too,” Nick
sighed before he turned to Joanie. “I assume you know about—” he
said as he swung his pointer finger back and forth between himself
and me.

“
Yeah, Wilson told
me—everything,” Joanie said. She pulled her legs up, adjusting
herself to sit cross-legged on my bed.

Nick’s cheeks, right below his eyes,
burnt red while his ears followed suit. He didn’t have to tell me
he was embarrassed by Joanie knowing about us kissing; it was
written all over his face.

“
She’s the only person
I’ve told. I am not a kiss-and-tell type of person. Well, except
with Joanie,” I claimed, trying to justify a reason for telling
her.

“
I don’t have a problem
with kiss-and-tell; you don’t have to justify anything to me,” he
said, low. His smoldering eyes traced me with an intrinsic
passion.

Fuuuckkk—knock it off,
Nick. Stop staring at me like that. I love
Max
; he is everything to
me.

“
Well, Nick, actually
that’s what I want to talk about. I don’t think either of
us—
need
—umm,
want
to have to justify
ourselves—
or what we
did
—to other people,” I fumbled for the
right words as I grabbed at my forehead. “I mean, it would
hurt
a lot
of
people—”

“
I get it, Wilson. You
don’t want Max or his family to know… what happened last
night.”

“
Well, yeah, they’ve been
through so much. I don’t want to hurt him even more. It was a
mistake, a drunken mistake,” I said. It felt like a huge steel
weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

I looked back at Joanie, her face
white, as if the words I’d spoken were calloused and
cold.

WHAT?
I mouthed to her.

She mouthed something back but I
couldn’t make it out. Her eyes narrowed and her face pinched
red.

“
Yeah, a mistake—look, I
gotta go,” Nick mumbled before he turned away and left the
room

.

“
Whoa, Wilson, that was so
brutal, what you just said to Nick. I know I told you to clear the
air between you, but I didn’t tell you to rip the guy’s heart out,”
Joanie said as she walked up behind me and slapped me across my
shoulder blade.

“
Ouch! Geez, J. I thought
I was supposed to be honest,” I replied as I tried to rub out the
sting on my shoulder.