Wings (25 page)

“It's not as simple as all that,” he said slowly, looking down at her. There was so much he wanted to say to her, so much he didn't dare. And maybe he never would. He just didn't have the answers.

They walked back to his truck hand in hand, and when they got to the airport he drove to the hangar where they kept the Jenny. It was the plane he had taught her in, and she knew without a word where they were going. She got into the front seat, out of deference to him, since the instructor always sat in the rear seat, and a few minutes later they had done all their checks, and were taxiing down the runway. Her father saw them take off and he didn't say anything. He knew Nick must have told her he was going.

They reached the old airstrip, and Nick let her land, and they sat beneath their familiar tree. She laid her head against him, and they sat in the soft grass, looking up at the sky. It was hard to believe that there was a war somewhere, and Nick was really going.

“Why?” she said miserably after a while, the tears rolling slowly down her cheeks, and then her eyes met his and he thought his heart would break as he touched her face, and gently wiped her tears away with his fingers. “Why do you have to go?” After all this time, he had told her he loved her, and now he was leaving, maybe even forever.

“Because I believe in what I'm doing. I believe in free men, and honor, and a safe world, and all those things I'm going to defend in the skies over England.”

“You did that once. Let someone else do it this time, Nick. It's not your problem.”

“Yes, it is. And I've got nothing important to do here. Even though that's my own fault.”

“So you're going because you're bored.” There was always a little bit of that in all men, that and the spirit of the hunter. But there were good motives there too, and she knew that. She just thought it was foolish of him to go now, and she didn't want him to get hurt. But he swore he wouldn't.

“I'm too good to get hurt,” he said, teasing her.

“You fly like shit when you're tired,” she said, not entirely believing it, but he laughed.

“I'll be sure to get lots of sleep. What about you?” he said, frowning. “You're flying those damn heavy planes over the desert, don't think I don't know the chances you take testing them. Plenty of guys have gotten killed doing it, and they probably flew better than you do.” It reminded her of Nancy's husband when he said it and she nodded. She couldn't deny the dangers of her job, but she was good at what she did, and there were no Germans shooting at her over Las Vegas.

“I'm careful.”

“We all are. Sometimes that's not enough. Sometimes you just have to be lucky.”

“Be lucky… please…” she whispered to him, and he looked at her for a long time, and then without a word, he did what he had wanted to for so long, and never dared. What he had never let himself do, and thought he never would. But now he knew he had to. He couldn't leave without letting her know how much he loved her. He leaned down ever so gently, and kissed her. And she kissed him back as she had kissed no man before him. There had been no man… only a boy… and now, Nick, the man she had loved since she was old enough to remember.

“I love you,” he whispered into her hair, breathlessly, wishing there could be more, but he knew there couldn't. “I always have… I always will… I want to give you so much, Cass… but I have nothing to give you…”

“How can you say that?” He broke her heart with his words. “I've been in love with you since I was five… I've always loved you. That's all we need. I don't want anything
else.”

“You should have lots more than that… you should have a house and kids… you should have a lot of things, like all the things they've given you in California. But they should come from your husband.”

“My parents never had fancy things, but they didn't care. They had each other, and they built my father's business from a pile of dirt. I don't care if we start with nothing.”

“I couldn't let you do that, Cass. And your father would kill me. I'm eighteen years older than you are.”

“So what?” She was unimpressed, all she could think of now was the fact that he loved her. And she didn't want to lose him. Not after all they'd been through.

“I'm an old man,” he tried to object unconvincingly, “compared to you at least. You should marry someone your age and have a mob of kids like your parents.”

“I'd probably go crazy if I did. And I don't want a mob of kids. I never did. Just one or two kids would be fine.” With Nick, even the prospect of children wasn't as daunting as she had once thought it.

He smiled down at her tenderly as he listened to her, trying to talk him into something impossible. He was going to war, and she had a contract to fly planes in California. But he had to admit, he liked the sound of what she was saying. Maybe someday though he doubted it. He'd never be that lucky or that foolish. She deserved so much more than he could ever give her. “I'd love to give you kids, Cassie… I'd love to give you everything I have to give. But I'm never going to have anything but a bunch of old planes, and a shack at the end of your father's airport.”

“He'd give you half of everything, and you know it. You've earned it. You built the business with him. You know he's always wanted you to be his partner.”

“It's funny, I was so young when I started out that I never wanted to be more than a hired hand, and now I'm sorry. Maybe you're doing the right thing with that crazy job of yours, Cass. Make a bunch of money, save it up, and come back where you belong with something to show for it. I don't have zip, and I never cared… until you grew up, and I realized everything I didn't have to give you. That and the fact that I'm almost twice your age, and your father would probably kill me for this.”

“I doubt it,” Cassie said wisely. She was smarter than he was about her father. “I've always thought he wouldn't be surprised. I think he'd rather I was happy than married to the wrong man and miserable.”

“You should be married to a man like Desmond Williams,” he said unhappily and she laughed at him. He hated the thought of it, but Williams had so much to give her.

“And you should be married to the Queen of England. Don't be stupid, Nick. Who cares?” She smiled at him, but he was unconvinced.

“You'll care, when you're older. You're just a kid. You think your sisters are so happy being poor, or your mother?”

“My mother never complains about anything, and I think she is happy. And maybe if my sisters stopped having babies every year they wouldn't be quite as poor.” Cassie had always thought they had too many children. One or two seemed sensible to her. But Glynnis was expecting her sixth, and Colleen and Megan their fifth, respectively. To Cassie it had always seemed excessive and a little scary.

He kissed her again then, thinking of the babies he would have liked to have with her, and never would. He would never allow himself the self-indulgence or the selfishness of marrying Cassie. No matter how much he loved her, or maybe because he did. She deserved so much better.

“I love you, Nick Galvin. I'm not going to run away. Or let you run away from me. I'll come over and find you, if I have to.” And she would too. He knew it.

“Don't you dare. I'll have you kicked right out of England if I have to. And don't you dare let Williams talk you into some goddamn world tour. I just smell that's what he has in mind for later. Just like Earhart. But with the war in Europe now, you won't be safe anywhere, not in the Pacific, and not in Europe. Stay home, Cass. Promise me…” He looked desperately worried and she nodded.

“You too,” she said softly, and then kissed him, and he had to control himself as he felt her passion meeting his own. He lay on the ground next to her, holding her, wishing he could have her forever. “When are you going?” she finally asked him hoarsely, as he lay next to her and held her.

He hesitated for a long time and then he answered. “In four days.”

“Does Dad know?” She knew it would be hard on her father, and she was sorry now that she wouldn't be there to help him.

“He does. Billy said he'd take care of things. He's a good kid and a tremendous pilot. I think he just needed to get away from his father. Old flying aces sometimes make life difficult for their kids, but I guess you wouldn't know about that, would you?” She smiled, thinking of how impossible her father had been, but lately he seemed to have mellowed.

She sat up and looked down at Nick then, wanting to know where things stood between them. “What does all this mean, Nick? We find out we love each other, and now you go? Now what? Now what am I supposed to do without you?”

“Same thing you did before,” he said firmly; “go out and smile pretty for the cameras.”

“What does that mean?”

“Exactly what it sounds like. Nothing's changed. You're free. And I'm going to England.”

“Bullshit.” She raged at him. “That's it? I love you, you love me, and nothing, so long, good-bye, I'm going to war, have a nice life, and see you when I get back. Maybe.”

“You got it.” He looked suddenly hardened, but he had made up his mind a long time ago, and he was not going to change it. For her sake.

“And then what? You come home, and if we're lucky we find each other again and start over?”

“Nope,” he said sadly. “If you're lucky, we find each other again, and you introduce me to your husband and kids, if I'm gone that long, and if I'm not, then you just introduce me to your husband.”

“What are you? Crazy, or sick?” She looked outraged as she stared at him, suddenly wanting to hit him. What kind of game was this? But this was no game to him. Nick Galvin had promised himself years before that he wasn't going to let himself ruin Cassie's life just because he loved her.

“Haven't you been listening to me?” He was shouting at her in their secret place, but there was no one to hear them. They were safe here. “I have nothing to give you, Cass. That's not going to change while I'm gone, and it's not likely to improve when I get back, unless I rob a bank or hit it lucky in Las Vegas. You're a lot likelier to make some money than I am.”

“Then go work for Desmond Williams,” she said angrily. How could he be so stupid!

“My legs aren't good enough. Look, you're a commodity to him. You're a genius in the air, and look good. You're a dolly who can fly; you're gold in the bank for him, Cass. I'm just another flyboy.”

“Why is that my fault?” she said angrily. “Why are you taking it out on me? What did I do, aside from get lucky?” She was crying now, and shaking with rage and frustration. Why were men so unfair sometimes? It was exhausting being a woman.

“You didn't do anything. The trouble is neither did I for the last twenty years, except fly a bunch of old planes and hang out with your father. I had a good time, we did some good things, the best of which was teach you how to fly, or teach you not to crash may be more like it, you taught yourself to fly. But that's not enough, Cass. I'm not going to marry you with nothing in the bank and empty pockets.”

“You're a jerk!” She shouted at him through her tears. “You own three planes, and you built my father a goddamn airport.”

“I may never come back, Cass,” he said quietly. That was part of it too. He was not leaving her hanging there, waiting for him. It wasn't fair, not at her age. “That's a fact. I may be gone for five years. I may be gone forever. You gonna wait for that? With the life you have now, and the opportunities, that's what you want? To wait for a guy twice your age, who may leave you a penniless widow before you start? Forget it. This is my life, Cass. This is what I've made of it. This is what I want. I want to fly. No strings. No promises. That's it… forget it…”

“How can you say that?” she raged at him, but he looked at her very calmly.

“Easy. Because I love you so damn much. I want you to go out there and hit the jackpot. I want you to get everything you can get, fly everything you can lay your hands on, as long as you're safe, and I want you to be happy forever. I don't want to worry about your doing that, when I'm flying my tail off after some Kraut over the English Channel.”

“You're incredibly selfish,” she said angrily.

“So are most people, Cass,” he said honestly, “especially fliers. If they weren't, they wouldn't do it. They wouldn't scare the hell out of the people they love, risking their lives every day, and killing themselves right under their loved ones’ noses at air shows. Think of that. Think of what we do to the people we love.”

“I have. A lot. But you and I both know that, that's an advantage right there. We're even.”

“No we're not. “You're twenty years old, for chrissake. You have a whole life ahead of you, and a great one. But I don't want you waiting for me. If I get back, and I win the Irish sweepstakes while I'm there, I'll call you.”

“I hate you,” she stormed, unable to move him or change his mind. Nick was as stubborn as she was.

“I figured that. I especially figured that when I kissed you.” He kissed her again then, and all her fury and her rage and her sorrow exploded through her in a wave of passion that he felt with equal flame. He would have wanted to change a lot of things, but he knew he couldn't. He wanted to hold her and make love
to
her till they both died of pleasure. But he forced himself to let go of her before it was too late to stop. And for both of them, that moment was coming closer.

“Will you write to me?” she asked breathlessly, a little while later.

“If I can. But don't count on it. Don't worry if you don't hear from me. That's just what I don't want. I don't want you waiting for me. It's the shortest love story in the world. I love you. The End. That's it. I probably should never have told you.”

“Then why did you?” she asked unhappily.

“Because I'm a selfish sonofabitch and I couldn't stand not saying it anymore. I had to fight myself not to say it each time we came here. And it almost killed me when I left you in California. I've needed to tell you for a long time. But it doesn't change anything, Cass. It's nice to know. Maybe for both of us. But I'm still going.”

They went round and round about it for a long time, but she couldn't convince him not to go. And eventually, they flew back to the airport after kissing each other for a long time and nearly tearing each other's clothes off.