Winter at the White Oaks Lodge (20 page)

“Camille, I wish I would have moved back home two years ago. When I was living in Minneapolis I was searching so hard for something I couldn't even explain to myself. I only understand it now that I'm back home, where I belong. I was searching for you without even knowing it, until it smacked me in the face when I saw you for the first time.”

I whispered, “I was such a mess two years ago. I was so hurt and struggling to parent a newborn. I never got a minute's peace or sleep, even with all of the help. I started to realize what my mom went through when she had me, back when she was only seventeen. I wasn't the same person then that I am now. I was so naïve and so angry all the time. You wouldn't have looked twice.”

He shifted us so that I could see his eyes and my heart throbbed hard.

“I could have met you at age four and known you were for me,” he said. “I would have looked twice no matter what.”

My heart soared up into the aurora at his words, even though I teased, “I was barely two when you were four.”

“I would still have known,” he said softly. “And I want to know everything about you. Will you tell me everything about you?”

“If you do the same,” I said, cupping his jaws and studying his eyes.

“Ask me anything,” he offered.

“Have you had lots of girlfriends?” popped out of my mouth. And then I writhed internally, not exactly wanting to know that answer to that.

He said, “Three, since high school. I dated Tess all through senior year and she was the first girl I ever had sex with. We broke up the summer after. I dated two girls in college. Not at the same time. Gina and Suzy were their names, and I dated each of them for about a half a year, Suzy a little longer. I'll bet you know her as the ‘poodle-girl,' since that's what Dad called her. To be fair, that's about a perfect description. She hated that I wasn't planning to live in Minneapolis and make tons of money. She thought I was nuts not to stay there. But I was so lonely there, even though I went out a lot. I hung out at downtown bars, especially with Suzy. But now that I'm home I can't believe I stayed away so long.”

I absorbed this news; my shoulders had tensed, expecting to hear about long lines of women who had been dying to date him. The thought of anyone other than me kissing his lips made my hands want to curl into cat claws. Probably those girls had been sophisticated and worldly, with far more experience. Not wanting to seem jealous, I said, “I'm glad you're back here too. I heard all about you from your sisters before I ever met you.”

He laughed at this, replying, “Jesus. I can imagine what they told you.”

“Mostly that they missed you,” I said again. “And that they worried for you.”

He stroked my hair and then rubbed his thumb against my cheek. He asked softly, “How about you? Although I have to admit, the thought of any other guy having the privilege of your attention is really…not great. And by that I mean I can hardly bear the thought of it.”

“Silly,” I told him softly, studying him at close range, his face just above mine, his eyes so serious. “It's not like there's been a bunch. Noah was the first and only person I've ever…” I could hardly even say the words.

“I knew I should have beaten him to pulp that night at the lodge,” he said, almost gritting his teeth.

“If anyone should be beating him to a pulp, it's me,” I said. “And although I appreciate the sentiment, he's not worth it. He's really not. I know that sounds like a terrible thing to say about my daughter's father.”

“Hey, it takes a lot more than starting a baby to be a father,” he reminded me. “Shit.”

I said, “I know. After I first found out that summer, all he could say was, ‘But I wore a condom every time,' like it was somehow my fault. That was his attitude from the first. I was so scared to tell him, but somehow it was worse to tell my mom. God, the night I told her I had just found out that she was having an affair with Blythe.” Mathias raised his eyebrows in surprise at this revelation, but kept listening. I went on, “But I had guessed before that night anyway, about both things. Oh God, Mathias, the worst thing was…you promise you won't threaten to drive to Noah's house and kill him?”

His eyebrows lowered at my question and he said with forced calm, “Let me hear before I decide.”

I pressed my forehead to his chin and breathed in, fortifying myself before I said, “Noah wanted me to get an abortion. It was the worst thing anyone has ever said to me.” Mathias held me tightly, resting his chin on my head, but he sensed that I would not appreciate any comments about killing Noah right now, even if that's exactly what he was thinking. I said, “But you know? It made me realize once and for all that I had no future with this guy. Up to that point, I still thought loved him, that I wanted to try and make it work with him. But that comment showed me his true colors. Showed me what he really was and for that I'm grateful. And I hope he thinks of saying that when he looks at Millie, that it haunts him for saying such a hateful thing. My beautiful little girl. I can't think of her as his child, Mathias, I really can't. She's mine.”

“She's not his, just like you were never his,” he told me, his voice a little hoarse, as I had learned it was when his emotions were strong. He added, “And I'm glad that you realized what a bastard he was. I'm just sorry that he shattered your trust, that he hurt you that way.”

“Thank you for listening,” I told him. “And to be fair, I'd like to beat the crap out of Tess and those other girls. But really I should thank them for being so stupid as to let you go.”

“They never had me, not one bit,” he said softly, cradling me to him.

“You smell so good,” I whispered, breathing against the material of his sweater. “Can we just stay here like this? Until morning, at least?”

“Yes. You stay in my arms, and I'll be your love,” he said softly. “Nothing seems more right in the world.”

But necessity called me back long before
dawn; I had responsibilities beyond myself, and Mathias drove us back to Shore Leave beneath the velvety-black midnight sky, our hands clasped tightly on the seat between us. He walked me to the door, holding me against his side and then kissing me breathless outside the front door.

“Thank you for the picnic,” I told him, my lips brushing his with the words, as we were unwilling to stop touching and go our separate ways. I clung to him, my arms around his neck. He held me tightly around the waist, burying his face against my neck.

“You are so welcome,” he said, kissing my cheeks, one after the other, then resting his forehead against mine.

“Good-night,” I whispered.

“Good-night,” he said back. And then, with a glint in his eyes, “Tomorrow night I'll have your Christmas present ready for you too.”

“What is it?” I begged, stroking his hair with both hands.

“Nuh-uh, you're not getting it out of me yet,” he said, kissing me one last sweet time.

“Call me to let me know you got home,” I told him.

He squeezed me close and then brought my mittened hands to his lips, kissing them. He promised, “I will. Merry Christmas, Camille.”

He climbed back into the truck, which was still running, growling softly into the cold night. He rolled down his window to blow me a kiss. I watched until he was out of sight.

Ten minutes later I had checked on Millie Jo, kissing her round cheek as she slept soundly and was curled into bed, still wearing my coat because it smelled like Mathias. I was holding the sleeves to my nose and thinking about the evening when my phone, on the floor beside the bed, vibrated, startling me. I rolled and snatched it from the floor, my heart clanging already as I saw that the display screen was showing his name.

“Hey,” I answered in a whisper.

“My truck smells so damn good, it smells just like you,” he said in response, and my heart throbbed hard at his sweet soft words. I wrapped one arm around my bent knees, snuggling up with the sound of his voice.

“I was just lying here wearing my coat because it smells like you,” I told him.

“Camille,” he said then, and in his voice I heard everything that he wanted to say. Everything that I wanted to say right back.

“Thank you for the picnic,” I said again. “I had such a good time.”

“Tomorrow evening seems like a long time away,” he said.

“You want to have breakfast?” I asked, wanting to see him as soon as humanly possible too. Despite the fact that he had just dropped me off, I felt as though I hadn't laid eyes upon him in a week. On inspiration I said, “Come over, I'll cook for you and you can hang out with Millie Jo a little.”

“I would be honored,” he said, and his voice was a little husky, slightly deeper than normal. “What time? You should hear my thoughts, Camille, I'm sitting here thinking,
Please let it be early.
Because I already can't wait to see you. That's what I'm sitting here thinking in my truck that still smells like your hair.”

Mathias. Oh my God, I love you, I'm so in love with you.

My breath jammed in my throat as I acknowledged what my heart had already known.

“Mathias,” I said, and my voice was choked. “I just…I just…”
Love you so much
. But I couldn't speak those words, not yet.

“Are you crying?” he asked then, sounding appalled. “I'm turning this truck around. What's wrong? Camille, what's wrong?”

Even though I wanted to see him, I assured him, “No, no, I'm not crying. You just move me so much with your words. My coat smells like your skin and it's like you're here with me.”

“I'm coming to get you right now,” he said. “Dammit. I have to be near you when you say things like that.”

I giggled then, even as tears slid over the bridge of my nose and my right temple, as I was lying on that side. I whispered, “Come over as soon as you can in the morning. Dawn, if you want.”

“Ok, here's the plan. I'll sleep for a few hours and then I'm heading right back to your house. Will your grandma think I'm crazy?”

“She already does,” I assured him, giggling more. “I'll make you eggs and bacon. Or pancakes if you want. I'm good at breakfast.”

“Pancakes,” he said with certainty. “You're good at breakfast and I've got us covered for dinners. We'll be all set. Do you have chocolate chips?”

“Yes. See you in a few hours,” I told him, smiling, all trembling and thrilled at the prospect.

“You're on,” he said back.

I fell asleep with a smile, waking to the buzz of my phone, which was a foot from my head on the mattress. The room was silvery with dawn and I knew it was Mathias.

“Are you on the way?” I murmured to answer.

“Morning,” he said back softly. “I'm just heading out the door. Did you sleep all right?”

“I did. And hurry!”

I sat up and the second my feet touched the floor I was running, a smile on my face. I dashed in and out of the shower, toweling my hair with vigor as I brushed my teeth with the other hand. I pulled on jeans and an old sweatshirt, my warmest slipper socks, and then jogged down the steps just in time to see his truck come around the bend. My heart absolutely pulsated; I felt as glowy-pink as the sunrise that was just beginning to tint the sky. He parked and I opened both the front door and my arms. And in the next second he had me curled to his chest, where I snuggled close. He put his lips to my hair and inhaled, while I likewise breathed in his scent.

“It must be some sort of crazy primitive thing,” he murmured, kissing my temple. “I just crave how you smell.”

“I slept with my jacket pressed to my nose. So I know just what you mean,” I said, rubbing my cheek against his chest. “But it's much better in person.”

“Camille,” he said, drawing back to see my eyes. I studied him with absolute joy in the early morning light; he hadn't shaved since yesterday, though his hair was damp and curling, especially along his neck. His eyes were tender in their regard, his lips soft with a smile. He brushed his thumbs over my cheekbones, sending shivers all along my face and down my neck. He whispered, “I'm so happy to be here.”

I curled my fingers into his hair and he cupped my face with both hands, our eyes holding steady, acknowledging the wonder of what connected us. He brought my lips to his, kissing me with such sweetness, his tongue stroking mine, our heads slanting one way and then the other as we strove to deepen our kisses.

“If he's been here all night we need to have a talk, Camille,” Grandma said then, from the stairs.

I squeaked and buried my face for a moment against Mathias; he shouldered arms neatly and said cheerfully, “Good morning. Camille invited me for breakfast, I just got here, I promise. And we were just…we were just…” and he faltered a little, making me giggle against him. He rallied with, “We were just saying good morning.”

“I'm sure,” Grandma said drily. But I could tell she wasn't angry.

I turned to face her and said, “Breakfast is on me this morning.”

“I'll just make the coffee then,” Grandma said, giving us a wink as she headed for the kitchen.

Mathias hung his jacket in the entryway, stepping out of his boots to reveal mismatched socks, one gray and one white, making me smile.

“I haven't gone to get laundry done in a while,” he admitted when I poked the gray sock with my toes.

He was wearing his favorite faded jeans and an old hooded sweatshirt, navy blue to match his eyes. I couldn't stop smiling at him as he helped me make pancakes with chocolate chips. Grandma started the coffee and then went back upstairs; Millie Jo was still sleeping, leaving Mathias and I relatively alone. I found myself using this to my advantage, generating excuses to touch him every other second.

“Here, you get the griddle warming,” I said first, indicating it on the stovetop.

“Come here first,” he whispered, catching my arm lightly in his right hand, eyes glinting almost devilishly, and we kissed as though the world was ending directly after breakfast. He cupped my face and regarded me at close range in the glowing light of early morning that was peeking through the curtains, tracing a thumb over my bottom lip. He whispered, “Good morning again.”

I smiled and pulled him close for another kiss. I absolutely craved his lips on mine. I whispered back, “I'm so glad you're here. I missed you.”

His eyes lit at my words, the warmth of them flowing into me and I pressed myself even closer to him. He said, “I've been thinking about seeing you since the second I dropped you off.” He kissed my upper lip gently, skimming his tongue, and I shivered. He whispered, “You have a little scar or something here. I want to lick it every time I see you.”

“That's where Tish bit me once when she was one,” I said, feeling my pulse beating throughout my body as he gently licked me there again. “It's a bite mark.”

“It makes me crazy,” he said, licking it lightly once more, and I took his bottom lip into my mouth and closed my teeth around it; he cupped both hands around my ass and held me firmly against him as he kissed me so thoroughly that I was afraid I might just pull him down upon me on the kitchen floor.

Footsteps thumped upstairs like a herd of miniature deer. We drew slightly apart, though he kept me in his arms. I kissed him quick on the lips, a stamp of possession, before he grinned at me and said, “I'm sorry, I have no self control. Seriously, none.”

We turned no more than ten seconds later to see Millie Jo come scampering into the kitchen, eyes bright and hair a tangled mess, just like mine always was when I first rolled out of bed. She stopped and planted both hands on her hips and gave us a smile.

“Morning, Millie Jo-Jo,” I told her, bending to scoop her into my arms.

“Morning Mama,” she chirped. “Morning Mathias!”

“You remember my name?” he asked, patting her back, giving her a smile.

“Well her mama does talk about you a fair amount,” Grandma said, breezing in behind Millie. “Have the two of you made any progress on those pancakes?”

I set Millie Jo on the counter near the griddle, where Mathias proceeded to help her help me.

“Watch, I can crack eggs with one hand,” he told her, displaying this delicate talent for us.

Millie clapped delightedly. “Now me!”

“It'll be easier when you're bigger,” he told her. “It's not easy for little hands.”

Aunt Ellen came and joined Grandma at the table with her coffee, and the background cadence of their voices was as comforting as a warm bath. I tilted the bowl towards the eggs that Millie was in the process of whisking, very deliberately, her tongue between her lips as she worked with concentration. Mathias sent me a wink and then said, “Kiddo, your mama needs those eggs. You want help pouring?”

She nodded and allowed him to assist her.

“What's your favorite Christmas song?” Mathias asked Millie.

“
Rudolph
!” she belted. “I know all their names.”

“Hey, me too,” he said. “Should we sing it?”

“Yes!”

And they did.

***

After breakfast
Mathias and I did all the dishes; he dried them as Millie colored on the floor at our feet. It was so easy to pretend that he was her daddy, but I couldn't let myself fall into this yet, not yet.

Too late, way too late not to fall
, I reminded myself. By the time we finished the dishes, the sky was brightening with day and Mathias had to get to work.

“I'll pick you up at about 7:00,” he said, as we stole a few good-bye kisses in the entryway. “And dress warm.”

“Ice house?” I whispered. And then, “Your lips are so beautiful,” as I pulled him back and he opened them at once over mine, kissing me until stars exploded behind my eyelids.

“No, much better,” he promised.

***

I dressed
in thermal underwear and a heavy sweater, two pairs of socks. He texted to tell me he would be there in an hour and then again to tell me he was on the way, at about ten to 7:00.

“What are you two doing this evening?” Grandma asked as I danced around the kitchen, too excited to sit still.

“Grandma, thank you for watching Millie all of these nights for me,” I said then, my feet stalling.

“You see her all day, it's nothing to feel guilty about,” Grandma said. “Don't you want your daughter to see her mother happy, instead of moping around the house in dirty clothes?”

I couldn't even contradict her. I said, “I'm sorry I've worried you.”

“I just love you so much,” Grandma said, hugging me close. She smelled like lemon soap and the spaghetti sauce she had cooked for dinner. I clung to her and she patted my back. She added, “To see you happy is a blessing for all of us.”

“Mama! I see his truck!” Millie shouted then, all excited. She was perched on one of the old recliner chairs near the front windows, her newest doll baby in her arms.

I ran to open the door, glad I'd bundled so well; Mathias was decked in his full winter gear. He came near and hugged me and then said, “One more layer at least.”

“Are you going to be walking?” Grandma asked, coming up behind me.

“Not exactly,” Mathias said. “But we'll be outside for a little while.”

“This sounds so mysterious,” I said, smiling at him as I rummaged for my ski pants.

“Please don't freeze,” Grandma said to both of us; I didn't tell her that the fire that burned between us was so hot that there was no danger of that.

“Don't worry, I would never let Camille freeze,” Mathias assured Grandma and I felt a heated rush low in my belly at his words.

“Lift me!” Millie commanded Mathias, tugging his coat to get his attention and then reaching up. He obliged her at once, settling her onto his forearm and giving her a bounce. She reached and patted his cheeks and his eyebrows lifted. I saw the tenderness that came over his face at this unexpected affection from my daughter. She patted him again and then said, “Can I come with you and Mama?”