Winter Blues (17 page)

God, I hope she knows it. I want to prove how good we are together, how despite the lust she may feel for someone else she will never be loved like I can love her.

I grind into her, slow and with purpose. I allow her to feel all of me as I feel all of her. My lips feast at her neck, breathing variations of compliments against her blazing skin as my hands caress her perfect curves. I have her sweet ass cupped and tilted to meet my thrusts in one hand and a full breast filling my other. Her melodic moans are coaxing me into an early release and so I still myself, wanting to prolong the pleasure for as long as I can. I need her to be wowed by our magic. I want our reunion to last all night until we are incapable of moving.

And even then, I’ll find a way.

Her heels are digging into my ass, pulling me deeper into her and her nails are clawing at my back. She’s as lost as I am. She’s a vision in the throes of pleasure. She’s so fucking hot that I can’t hold on much more.

I pull back, resting on my heels as I lift her to straddle me. “Lean back, baby, I’ve got you.”

She complies, rolling back until she is arched and supported with my arm. My other hand pulls at her nipple as we work together in perfect unison; our hips meshing together through her wetness, our breath coming in fast unity, our moans in harmony.

She’s made for
me
. She has to see that.

She tightens around me and I allow myself to ease the restraints of my control, pushing into her harder and faster as we ride out the release together. She comes undone in my hand, calling my name.
And with that I’m burying myself into her depth, shuddering with a guttural groan. She lifts herself, cradling me in my release with her dainty hands, stroking my hair from my forehead before kissing me so honestly that I want to take her again. I will.

“I’ve missed you so much,” she whispers. When I open my eyes I reali
ze that she has tears in her blues. I stroke them away as they fall against her cheek.

“No more tears. I’m here, you’re here. That was perfect and it’s not over. I’m goin
g to love you all night, Darl. You’re my wife, and for that I’m going to show you my gratitude.”

I’m already moving inside her again, needing no more coercion than her sweet words. She takes my jaw in her hands and empowers me with the sweetest smile. “I love you, Reid.”

I’m pierced with emotion and the pain ripples through my body. I work it out with each thrust as I tell her over and over again, show her over and over again, that I love her. I’ll always love her.    

25

Darlene

Lured from my sleep by the awareness of being alone, I reach across the bed and find Reid gone. In his place, a note.

My wife
,

I did
n’t want to wake you. You look too peaceful. I just wanted you to know that while I’m at work I will still be thinking of you, loving you. Last night was heaven. I love you, my darling.

Your husband.

I smile a face-aching smile as his words coincide with the raw after
effects of our marathon reunion. I’m surprised he managed to walk this morning let alone make it to work. I look at the clock and realize it is closer to noon than I’d like. Moving lazily from the bed, I head straight for the bath, needing to soak the post-sex aches.

In the heat of the bath I remember the heat of our passion. It was unmatched in ferocity, in depth. We’ve made love hundreds of times before and it’s always been amazing, but last night was epic. It was poetic. A million things that needed to be said were spoken through our bodies and the words consequently followed.

This outcome was a complete surprise. I could only imagine terrible things happening after Blue and Reid were forced into the same room as each other. I mean, Reid has no idea why he should hate Blue, but for some reason he does. And Blue, with his goddamn song. If he was trying to scare me, it worked. If he was trying to wound me, it worked. If he was completely genuine in his declaration then I am in far more trouble than I realized. Blue doesn’t strike me as someone who gives up easily. Last night proved that. But absence will make it easier, regardless of what his intentions were before.

I
don’t plan on going back there. Despite my arguing with Reid I had already decided on that before we left the bar. I just hate it when Reid tells me what to do. When anyone tells me what to do.

I wrap myself in a bathrobe and grab some cereal for breakfast
, or maybe lunch. When my phone starts vibrating to the tune of
Can’t Fight The Moonlight
I laugh and hurry to answer.

“You changed my ringtone.”

He chuckles. “Yes, yes I did. Do you like?”

“I love.”

“I love you.”

“So you said.”

“I wanted to say it again, and again and again and…”

“There’s no need,” I interrupt through a laugh.
“I can still feel how much you love me,” I say as I uncross my legs.

He hesitates. “Are you sore?”

“A little,” I admit, but I don’t care. The pain in no way deducts from how phenomenal last night was.

“I’m sorry.”

“No, you’re not.”

“No, you’re right,” he laughs quietly. “I’ll have to take it easy on you tonight though. Did
you want to do anything?”

“Yeah, f
ood and a movie.”

“I like that plan.”

We manage to talk a little more before he has to work some. He says goodbye with an obvious smile and I match it.

Would you believe that after all the hesitance I have shown I actually chose to go running on my own today? No, me either, but I did. It was actually quite nice not having to match Reid’s eager pace. It was a lazy jog but a jog nonetheless. Reid is proud when I text him to tell him.

After I have showered and vegged out I head to the nearest store and pick up the ingredients for homemade pizza. I can control the calorie intake this way. I stop on the way back to get a coffee. Ordinarily
, I would delight in the instant warmth it would bring to my hands but I’m surprised to find that I’m not suffering in the cold today. I look to the sky and see blue, bright with the sun rather than heavy with clouds. I feel a trace of heat on my face and I close my eyes to savor the moment. It’s been so long since I have been graced with the sun that I briefly wonder if my neglected skin will crack in its return.

Not willing to let go of the warmth just yet, I find a bench in the park and s
it, watching the fountain as it too rejoices in the beams. It’s not particularly warm, in fact there’s a bitter breeze, but when it breaks I can at least pretend. How coincidental that the sun should return along with the warmth in my marriage.

Is winter behind us?

I can only hope so. I stretch my legs and close my eyes again, wishing I had my iPod with me to throw on some Sheryl Crow.

It takes me several minutes to reali
ze that someone is sitting next to me. I hear a long exhale and when I turn to look I see Blue blowing out sheer smoke.

“How long have you been
sitting there?”             

“How long have you had your eyes closed?”

I sigh, annoyed. I guess when we live almost opposite we are bound to run into each other occasionally. I suppose complete avoidance isn’t going to be possible after all.

“You and hubby looked cozy last night,” he continues, rolling his cigarette between his thumb and finger.

“No thanks to you. You think you’re funny singing shit like that?”

“I wasn’t trying to be funny. I was trying to tell you how I feel the only way I know how.” He turns to look at me, his eyes wide and honest.

“You cannot be serious?”

He shrugs his heavy shoulders and looks away, taking a long drag on the last of his smoke.

“What happened with Zach?” I ask, needing so desperately to change the subject.

“Last night?” h
e affirms. I nod. “He had an opinion on something that had nothing to do with him, and I didn’t like it.”

“Had an opinion on what?”

“On us.”

“There is no us.”

“Ouch,” he winces.

“What did he say?”

“He’s been bugging me about you,” he shrugs again and I curse his nonchalance. No wonder Reid hates mine so much.

“He knows?”

“He knows how much I like you. How much I’m falling in...”

“Don’t you dare,
” I interrupt and stand, tossing my coffee into a nearby trashcan and smoothing down my clothes. “You can’t turn this into something that it wasn’t, Blue. And you have got to stop trying to compete with my husband. He will
always
win. This, whatever it was, is over.”

I walk away with my head held high and my heart in my throat. I know I don’t have anything other than lust for Blue but that doesn’t make turning my back on him any easier. He’s a good guy, misguided, but good. There is evident chemistry between us but it doesn’t transcend any further than the stage or
the bedroom. And even then, he doesn’t compare to what Reid can offer me.

Sex is always better when there is love involved.

After prepping the piz
za and putting together a salad I sit and wait for Reid to come home. I wait much longer than I’d like before I get a text to say that he’s running late and to eat without him. I don’t. Instead I put everything in the fridge and curl up on my chair. I force back the belief that after just a couple of days with my Reid he is slipping again.

I don’t want to believe it.

I don’t believe it.

As the clock strikes nine I begin to believe
it just a little.

A glass of wine eases my anger a touch but it does nothing to limit the upset. As if sensing my thinning resolve, Blue chooses this moment to text me.

-
I know you said we were over but I can’t accept that.

I miss you, way more than I should. B-

-You have to
. I miss you too, but your inability to accept it’s over

is what is keeping us apart-

-I’m trying-

-You sure are ;-)-

-Haha. Am I going to see you in The Nest again?-

-No. I can’t-

He doesn’t text back and I’m grateful. I don’t know where that conversation could have gone. I turn my phone off and head for bed. I don’t want to fall asleep out here and give Reid ammo for an argument. Not when I’m the one with the reason to be pissed off.

My eyes have barely closed when I hear our apartment door click shut. Soft padding feet line the hall and then our door is opened. I hear shuffling of clothes before the bed is jostled under a weight. One warm hand slips around my waist and hot lips brush against my shoulder. My annoyance is melting away but I hold on with cold fingers.

“You said I would never have to miss you again. I missed you,” I whisper with as much attitude as my thawing tenacity will allow.

“I’m sorry, baby, but I’m only partly sorry. I like to hear that you’ve missed me. It means that I’m not alone in my desire to be with you all the time.”

“Hmm.”

“And besides, I worked late so that I could work from home tomorrow.”

I turn at his announcement. “Really?”

He nods before hovering over me, trailing his nose down mine and stroking my lips with his for just a second. “After last night and tonight I think we’ll need to recuperate, right?” His lips find mine again, but with more ferocity, an apology.

I accept all night.

26

Darlene

I can’t remember the last time we had such a perfect morning together. Mornings lately have either been spent rushed and silent, or alone. Today we enjoyed a lazy morning. We ate, we ran, we bathed together. It’s been wonderful. Reid is attentive and I’m open and we are everything we haven’t been and everything I have missed.

Reid has regretfully taken up in his office
this afternoon to race through the manuscripts before his work dinner tonight, and so I am left picking at my guitar on the sofa. I’m going to miss performing at
The Nest
. Performing in general. It’s such a part of who I am and while I don’t wish for it to be a career I can’t imagine not having it in my life. It’ll be easier when I’m teaching again though. I get the same buzz from teaching as I do when I am singing in front of an audience. But I worry that since it is not my choice to quit performing like it was the last time, maybe the need won’t surrender so easily.

I’m strumming my own arrangement, something without words
, but the melody speaks for itself. The tempo is lazy but happy with an undeniable country influence. It reminds me of our honeymoon. We already lived in LA with a coastline of white beaches so we wanted something different. We drove through Arizona and stayed at a ranch with endless rolling hills at our disposal. We rode horses and trekked and rejoiced in sharing the experience and more importantly, our time. Our busy lives were already beginning to pull us apart and so this unreserved time together in our own little nirvana was perfection. If ever I need reminding of how amazing we can be, I only have to cast my mind back to that vacation.

I’m not aware that I have an audience until I look up to see Reid smiling at me, his glasses lifted onto his head as he leans casually against the wall.

“Sing for me,” he says, his green eyes bright and pleading.

“What do you want me to sing?”

“Our wedding song,
Songbird
,” he responds with no hesitation. A smile flickers on his face and I wonder briefly if he can read my mind.

“I was just thinking about our honeymoon.”

“You were?” His grin widens. “We’ll have to go back some day. We can drive to LA and see my grandparents too.” I nod, unwilling to declare just how much I’d like that for fear that speaking my wish would break it. “So you gonna sing?”

Narrowing my eyes in the pretence that I’m only considering it, I linger over the strings for several seconds before beginning the delicate arrangement. I love this song but it arouses such emotion in me, and it’s so difficult to try and replicate Eva Cassidy’s effortlessly angelic voice. 

Reid watches me from a distance as I sing about everything being alright as long as I’m with him. I watch him back. His eyes twinkle wistfully and his smile is slight. My chest feels heavy as I remember dancing with him to this very song. Lanterns hung over our heads and rose petals layered the floor beneath our feet. Our friends and family circled around us but the only thing, the only person that I was aware of was the man before me. The man I was gladly going to spend the rest of my life with.

His eyes, a brilliant green and alive with youth, glistened with unashamed tears as we sang this to each other. We sang it with as much heart as we said our vows, perhaps more so. I sing these words now and regret that they are just as tarnished as our marital promise. The thought brings tears to my eyes, and a lump to my throat that makes my voice raw and tense.

I continue to sing with hoarseness and cling to the words, trying to renew their meaning, wanting to attribute them to our lives now, this second, rather than the weeks that have passed and the mistakes that both Reid and I have made. He must sense the atmosphere shift because Reid crosses the room to sit behind me on the couch. Closing the space between us, he leans into my back and presses his lips gently to my shoulder. I don’t stop for him. He doesn’t want me to.

I struggle through the final chorus with hot tears lining my cheeks and a weight against my chest. Reid’s kisses linger at my shoulder while his hands sit at my waist, hi
s thumbs tracing circles over the skin under my shirt.

When the last note fades Reid reaches around for my hand and brings it to his comforting lips. I’m attempting to hide the tears, but I think he knows of their presence.

“I forgot how much I love that song, and you singing it. It means so much more now, doesn’t it?” he says, speaking gently. I nod, still with my back to him.

I feel tickling over my wrist and when I turn to look I see a bracelet fastened around it. I narrow my eyes at Reid before inspecting the jewelry. It’s silver in color with a thin, delicate chain that is joined together by the silhouetted wings of a bird.
A songbird? It’s beautiful, just the outline of the creature. It’s perfect. Simple and elegant, and more importantly, relevant.

My tears come again but they fall from a happy place. I loo
k at Reid and offer a smile. Twisting in my seat with the guitar still on my lap, I place my hand against his cheek, guiding him to my lips. His compliance is soft, and when he pulls away he rests his forehead against mine.

“Thank you, it’s beautiful
,” I gush. “What’s it for?”

“Darlene, I don’t need a reason to show you I love you. We don’t need reasons. We aren’t one of those couples.”

“No, we’re not.”

“I’m going to show you every day, in one way or the other, that I love you. Add that to our vows because I
mean it as much as I meant those.” His voice is as tender as mine and I can only assume that he is holding back the emotion that I have let out. He seals his promise with a tender kiss to my temple.

“You’re beautiful to me. I don’t deserve you.”

“No, you deserve more. You should be with someone who showers you in effortless affection and worships you. You have no idea how perfect you are and how grateful I am that you have chosen to spend your life with me. I can only hope that I’m enough for you.”

My heart is squeezed so tight I fear that it’s going to burst. How can he conceive his words to be true? It is me who doesn’t deserve him. He puts me on a pedestal at the time I deserve it the least. I will spend the rest of my life assuring that I am worthy of his love and counteracting the wrong that I have done.

“Don’t talk like that. You don’t have to be grateful. The love is felt both ways, Reid.” Our lips meet again with increased strength, spurred on by our spoken devotions.

“Sing it again, baby,” Reid whispers low against my parted lips.

I open my eyes in surprise. “Again?” He nods while a smile widens over his flush face. A wicked, lopsided smile.

What’s he up to?

Turning myself back into position, I take Cash in my hand and start
Songbird
again. The words flow easier now that some emotion has fallen from the lyrics but it’s no less difficult to get through. Reid’s lips have returned to my shoulder, but his mouth is suckling rather than kissing, and the feel of his hot tongue against my skin is increasingly distracting. After sweeping my hair away from my neck his lips ascend, breathing goosebumps over my hypersensitive skin. When his mouth reaches my ear and he takes my earlobe into his mouth I gasp and the music stops.

“Don’t stop,” he croons.

“I can’t concentrate, Reid.”

“Then try harder.”

I sigh in frustration but rise to the challenge, picking up on the chorus. His hand leaves my hip and dips further under my shirt. I falter when I realize his intentions. His fingers walk over my ribs and squeeze between my chest and the guitar. He cups my braless breast in his hand and rolls his palm leisurely over the plumpness. I have to work harder to control my breathing, but when he takes a nipple in his fingers and tugs gently I moan.

“That’s not part of the song,” he says teasingly into my ear. I like this challenge. I like it even more when his other hand settles on my thigh, massaging menacingly as his fingers creep closer to my
center.

My singing is failing miserably. It’s breathy like Marilyn with moaning like Britney. My fingers are sloppy as I fight the urge to stop playing. Reid knows this and s
miles against my neck when I mess up.

When his fingers stretch against my sex the fabric of my jeans may as well not be there. The pleasure is immediate and I grind my hips in response.

“Reid, please. I can’t...”

“Oka
y, baby, turn around,” he happily relents.

I slide my guitar onto the floor and twist round to continue this game face to face. He doesn’t stop the sweet, sweet torture. My hands begin working on undressing him, lifting his shirt over his head, as the impatience in me grows. I’m trembling with need and without an outlet I’m going to burst.

“That was so hot,” he says between sharp kisses. “One day, I’m going to record you singing and we’ll make love to it. I want to make love to your voice so much.”

“What would you have me sing?” 

“Anything, anything sexy,” he answers, his erratic fingers working on the buttons of my pants. I work on his and within seconds I am stripped from the waist down, Reid completely naked. He leans back into the couch and I waste no time in straddling him. My shirt is thrown to the floor leaving my breasts to fall free. They are immediately gathered in Reid’s eager hands.

Bringing my lips to his neck
, I deviate from my one track mind, scrolling through the millions of songs that sit in wait. I pick the sexiest song that I know.

Fever
.

I sing softly against the prickled skin of his neck, pulling up slowly to breathe purposefully into his ear. I’m grinding against him to the rhythm of my voice, my seduction, and I can feel him twitching underneath my wetness. I’m already struggling, my words being sung between moans and sharp breathes, but I’m enjoying the effect I’m having on him. He is so hard beneath me, his fingers so rough and unreserved. His skin puckers under my touch and his hips are grinding with greed.

“More,” he pants as his mouth joins his hands and he teases my nipples with his talented tongue.

Singing through my escalating desire
, I rise to the challenge, the competition that Reid knows how to incite in me. I’m rubbing my wetness over him, finding immense pleasure in the slick maneuver of him against me.

My voice rises on the last note as he impales me
harshly. He’s buried to the hilt within a split second and I cry out at the sudden fullness. The sensation is all encompassing and unleashes a ripple of tightening throughout my entire body.

Reid guides my hips, up and down, slow but deep. “More,” he demands again and I don’t know if I can.

I push through the verse, demoralizing the beautiful song with groans and gasps. Reid’s mouth is relentless at my breast as his free hand moves down between us. My voice cuts out as his fingers press the button that propels forth my orgasm. The melody is then replaced with an uncontrolled cry as I scream Reid’s name. His pace quickens and his thrusts harden in response, piercing me repeatedly with cries of his own. With his final push he bites down on my shoulder, an echo of my name grating from his abused lips.

“I don’t know what’s sweeter, your singing or your screaming,” he says as his breath evens out, cheek to cheek with me as we float down from our united orgasms.

“I’m less embarrassed by my singing,” I laugh, lazily. “Although, that was terrible.

“No, that was hot.
The hottest. I couldn’t love you anymore than I do at this moment.”

“Well, looks like I’ll still be performing after all.”

He bites his lip as his smile swells. “To your biggest, most adoring fan.”

“Best fan ever. He shows his appreciat
ion with more than just applause.”

“Damn straight.”