Winter (Four Seasons #1) (18 page)

“
Yeah?” He
looks at me, his eyes filled with an intensity that makes my
breathing sharp. I force myself not to look away.

“
Does this not
bother you anymore? If I just keep going, will it get
easier?”

Luke’s
expression falls flat. “No. It never gets easier.”

******

Noah: Hey,
where are you? Turns out Tate’s not been home since the party. The
cops are looking for him.

Noah’s text
comes as we’re headed over to Woodhull Hospital. I notice Luke’s
eyes flickering to my cell phone and decide I’d better respond or
it will seem weird.

Me: Shit. On
my way to the hospital right now. I’ll have to tell
Morgan.

Noah: Meet
you there…

“
That the
non-boyfriend boyfriend?” Luke asks casually.

“
Yeah. He said
Tate, the guy Morgan was with at that party, still hasn’t come
home. Morgan asked me to find him for her. She’s going to flip out
when I tell her that not only have I not found him, but no one else
has seen him in two days, either.”

“
Doesn’t sound
good.”

“
No. No it
does not.”

When we arrive
at the hospital, Luke gets out of the car and walks me to the
building, but then pauses at the sliding glass doors. The whole
world is covered in a layer of frosted glass today, stark and cold,
and Luke is the only vibrant thing in it. His cheeks have reddened
from the short walk across the lot, and his green scarf stands out
against the muted blues and variances of white and grey.

“
You want me
to come in with you?” he asks, bouncing on the balls of his feet to
keep warm. I don’t really know what to say. Luke and Noah in the
same place? That makes me feel all kinds of wrong. But I do want
him to stay. Probably more than I should. I open my mouth to speak
but wait a second too long; Luke’s easy smile doesn’t disappear
entirely so much as dim. He starts walking backwards and buries his
hands in the pockets of his leather jacket. “Because if you’ve got
people coming to meet you, that means I can go home and work
through that file. If you don’t need me.”

If you don’t
need me.
I bite down on the inside of my
cheek and nod. “Thanks, Luke. Thanks for running me around and for
dinner last night and, well, everything, I guess.

He pulls his
hood up, still backing away. “That’s what friends are for,
right?”

Something
impetuous makes me speak before I can stop myself. “Are we? Are we
friends, Luke?”

He pauses,
blowing out spirals of smoke on the cold morning air. “Of course we
are, Beautiful.” He gives me a small smile and then he is
gone.

Fifteen

A Little
Early

MORGAN TAKES
Tate’s missing person’s status about as well I’d hoped: explosive
tears and a lot of swearing. Noah arrived twenty minutes later and
Morgan’s mother veto’d our presence, saying we’d caused enough
drama for one morning. I’m really starting to see why Morgan hates
going home so much.

By the time
Noah and I have braved the subway, changing three times to get back
to Upper Manhattan, I’ve almost managed to put Luke out of my mind.
Almost.

Noah holds his
breath when he follows me into my apartment, and I know it’s
because he’s waiting to see if Leslie is around. She isn’t. We go
to my bedroom all the same, a dangerous thing to do. I fall back on
my bed and smile when I see Noah grinning.

“
You look like
you’re up to no good, Irish,” I tell him, toeing off my
shoes.

“
Ahh, God, not
you, too. It’s bad enough with Morgan and the rest of Columbia
calling me that. So unimaginative. If I were as limited as you all,
I’d be calling everyone I meet
American
.”

“
Good point,”
I concede. Noah peels off his coat to reveal a light grey sweater
that matches his eyes. He sits down on my bed and leans forward.
“Hat on or off, darlin’?

I try to hide
my small smile. It feels wrong to smile when Tate is missing and
I’m in the middle of a major meltdown regarding my dad’s serial
killer status, but with that accent it’s hard not to. “Off,” I tell
him, pulling the knitted beanie from his head. His hair is mussed
already, and he only makes it worse when he rakes his hands through
it. I reach up and twist my fingers through it carefully, waiting
to see if he cares that I’m touching him. He leans back against my
hand and closes his eyes, breathing out hard.

“
You have this
amazing ability to make me feel like there’s nothing else going on
in the world, you know that?” he whispers.

“
Really?” That
surprises me. Noah sinks down slowly beside me on the bed, his eyes
never leaving mine.

“
I’m gonna
kiss you now, Avery. I’m gonna make you want me. You okay with
that?”

Luke’s face
instantly springs to mind. I squirm on the bed, awkward and
irritated. I can’t keep doing this to myself. Seriously, letting
him invade my thoughts every second of every waking day is ruining
everything. I can’t do it anymore. Maybe doing this, being with
Noah, will change things. I stare up at him, feeling suddenly like
a little girl. The look in his eyes is a hungry one, and I can feel
myself buckling, needing contact, needing someone to hold me and
make me feel something other than worry and fear for more than five
minutes. “Okay,” I whisper.

He doesn’t
hold back. In a second his hands are on my waist, tugging at my
clothes. I gasp in a deep breath when he tips my head back with his
own and starts kissing my neck, grazing his teeth over my skin. The
shudder that runs through my body penetrates down to my bones, half
arousal, half panic. Can I do this with him? Can I really do this?
There’s only one way to find out.

I scramble
with Noah’s sweater, trying to get my hands underneath to feel his
skin. A low growl rumbles in his throat and he quickly leans back
so he can tear it over his head. His t-shirt goes with it, and I
slip my hands over his sides and upwards to grip onto his naked
back. He’s leaner than Luke but still muscled, still beautiful to
look at. I sit up and press my lips slowly to his chest, gently
running my tongue over his skin.

“
Ahhh fuck,
Avery. You shouldn’t have done that.” Noah grabs hold of my hips
and pulls me up so that our chests press together, and his left
hand buries itself into my hair. His other hand hurriedly pulls at
my cotton shirt, lifting it up over my bra. That’s as far as this
adventure can go without one of us breaking away from kissing each
other to lift my shirt over my head. Noah is as incapable of making
that happen as I am. He cups my breast over my bra, pinching and
rolling my nipple hard through the material so that a sharp twist
of pain relays around my body. My back arches away from the bed,
pressing me even closer to him, and Noah groans. He rolls me onto
my back and throws one leg over mine so that he’s hovering above
me. His eyes wander greedily over my bare stomach and up over my
bra. Devouring every inch of me, he shakes his head and lets out a
ragged breath.

“
You’re
amazing, Avery. You’re so fucking beautiful. I wanna make you feel
so good.” He dips his head and lets his weight rest over me so he
can tug the lace of my bra cup out of the way, and then his mouth
is hot on my skin, licking and kissing. A desperate keening sound
catches in my throat when he carefully bites my nipple, the pain
even sweeter than when he pinched me.

“
Noah!
” I dig my fingernails into his
back and he growls again, sending a low wave of pleasure through my
body. He reaches down and shoves my legs apart so he can climb in
between them, and I hitch my knees up so he can get closer. We both
shiver when he pushes down, rocking against me so that I can feel
how hard he is. A demanding throb burns between my legs, insisting
that I do something about it, and I run through the scenario in my
head. Pulling off my jeans, tearing Noah’s off, too. The very
thought of it sends me running in two different directions. My eyes
start to sting, but I ignore that. Ignore Luke’s face and the
sinking pit in my gut. Suddenly this doesn’t seem so easy after
all. Noah reaches down and strokes his hand lightly over my jeans
between my legs, and I tremble involuntarily.

“
Do you want
me, Avery?” Noah breathes into my mouth. His tongue runs over my
lips, teasing me.

“
I—,” I pant,
unable to finish. Unable to give him an answer either way. Noah
takes my shortness of breath as a yes.

“
I’m gonna
take off your jeans now.” His hands move up, slowly unbuttoning my
jeans, and he watches me writhe underneath him the whole time,
daring me to stop him. I want to. I definitely want to stop him. Or
at least I think I do. I’m balancing on a knife’s edge, fighting to
maintain control. Luke’s brown eyes are burned into my mind and I
just can’t seem to shake them. A sob wells at the back of my
throat. That’s when I start to feel pathetic. Noah’s a good guy.
He’s been patient with me; he’s sexy as hell and funny. Why
shouldn’t I want this? I swallow hard, forcing that sob to remain
unvoiced. I have to do this.

Once he’s
unzipped my pants and I’ve eased them off my hips, Noah sits back
and tugs frantically at the material while I help by kicking out of
them. When he lays back down on top of me I can feel a whole lot
more of him. He is so hard, rigid through his jeans. His breathing
quickens when he rocks his hips against me and I let out a startled
cry. It feels so good. This is what I’ve needed. I’ve needed it
more than anything, which makes shame flood through me.

“
Do you want
me?” Noah repeats again, his voice low and hoarse. I can’t speak.
No matter how badly I’m fighting with myself internally, pushing
myself to just do this so I can get over a person I can never
possibly hope to have a future with, I still can’t make myself tell
Noah I want him. The noise that comes out of me is close to a
whimper. He looks up at me with a heavy, greedy expression in his
eyes and slips his hand downwards over the sensitive skin of my
stomach. My back arches again as he keeps reaching down, and when
his fingers brush over the thin material of my panties I let my
knees drop to the side and moan.

“
Fuck, Avery,
you’re so perfect.”

I don’t feel
perfect, though. I feel flawed and vulnerable. I don’t want to feel
that way. This should be amazing and fun. I shrug out of my
embarrassment and meet Noah’s awed gaze to see that he really means
it. There’s a hunger burning in the way he’s looking at me, which
makes my skin flush. He keeps working his fingers over the material
of my panties, gradually increasing the pressure each time until I
can’t take it anymore.

Avery, just
do it, damnit. Take control. Just do it!

I reach down
and fumble with Noah’s pants, unzipping them and thrusting my hand
inside before he can object. My hand curves around him and his
whole body jerks.

“
Shit! Avery,
don’t, I’m gonna…” A visible judder runs through his body and he
shoves away from me, hunching over himself. He pulls his arms into
his side and goes absolutely still. It’s fairly obvious what just
happened, and by the way Noah has stopped breathing and is staring
at the floor, he’s mortified. My heart is still jack-hammering in
my chest, five seconds behind the change of atmosphere in the room.
In the time it takes for my body to catch up, Noah has stood up and
put his t-shirt and sweater back on. He’s working on his shoes when
I sit up and pull my knees up to my chest.

“
What are you
doing?” I whisper.

“
I have
assignments to complete,” he says flatly. I reach forward and place
my hand on his back but he inches away from the contact, stooping
down to tie his laces. “I’ll see you in class tomorrow?”

I just gaze up
at him, knowing the expression on my face makes me look simple.
“Sure. Uh…”

“
Okay. We’ll
catch up soon.” Noah snatches up his coat and bolts out of the room
before I can say anything else. And that’s it. He just leaves. I
stare at the door he’s slammed closed and try to get my head around
it. Sure, he was embarrassed, but
what the
fuck?
It happens. Guys come a little
quicker than anticipated on occasion. He needn’t have fled the
apartment like it was the very worst thing that had ever happened.
There are far worse things reserved for that particular
title.

Sixteen

Outed

MORGAN’S MOM
lets me pick her up the next day, after she signed a contract that
Mr. and Mrs. Kepler actually had notarized by a lawyer stating she
would attend counseling and rehabilitation sessions at Seabrook
House without fail. If she misses one appointment, she’ll no longer
be allowed to stay in school and she’ll have to go back to fulltime
rehab.

We arrive back
at Columbia in time for me to drop her at her apartment before I
leave for class, promising to come by as soon as I’m done. In truth
I’m seconds away from skipping; it would mean spending more time
with Morgan and making sure she’s okay, and it would also mean
avoiding Noah. And I want to avoid Noah like I want to avoid the
plague.